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Everything posted by John_in_SF

  1. Pretty good this morning. I am experiencing fewer and shallower low moods. Doing the PowerPoint slides for my church's services this month so that gives me creative work to take me out of my head.
  2. I hear that. For a while, gabapentin seemed like the only thing giving me proper sleep. Then I realized it had zombified me and was rapidly increasing my depression. Into the trash it went!
  3. Oddly good, maybe hypomanic. I have moderated the coffee and avoided sugary food, which seem to keep my mood from swinging. Even though I woke up too early as usual, I wasn't depressed as usual. I got a little creative work done this morning, which also helps. I am beginning to see that my days have long been filled with an empty, computer-obsessed routine. It's starkly clear now that I am out of my familiar environs. Now I need to set some goals and start planning, which has been hard to do when I don't have hope for the future.
  4. I am going through this, too, Kenneth. Hopelessness ("things will never get better") is the signature symptom of major depression. Coming in second and third are helplessness ("there's nothing I can do about it") and worthlessness ("I'm no good to anybody"). These are all lies. The problem is that depression is a convincing liar. While in its throes, I firmly believe these things and it's a terrible feeling. I am convinced that there is nothing to live for. One thing you can do is, when you are feeling better, write a letter to your depressed self to remind you that these thoughts and feelings can pass.
  5. Have you shared your unhappiness with your wife, who appears to have made this decision for you, and if so, what does she say?
  6. Like I'm seriously past my expiration date. My body is sore from a week of sleeping in a reclined bucket seat. I went to church today, which was nice, but then it's over and everyone disperses and I'm back out here alone again.
  7. I am envious. I don't have any friends. Acquaintances and people who help me from time to time, but no one to go hang out with. Something is wrong with me in that department. I don't like being alone all the time.
  8. Kinda bored and definitely hungry. I'm trying a bit of a fast today to save money and see how it affects my mood. I've only had two coffees so far and am about to go have my one large meal for the day. I can say that so far, I have avoided low moods. I expect that will change after I eat but oh well. Really wish I had a safe place to go for a nap.
  9. Thanks for the hug. I got assertive and they are going to pay me on Monday. (Should have been yesterday by state law.)
  10. Put the alarm on the other side of the room so you have to get out of bed.
  11. Twitchy this morning. It's because I broke down and ate some caramel M&Ms last night. Sugar is as bad as alcohol for me right now. Also feeling angry that it's been 30 days and I haven't been paid for the part-time job I took last month. It took them two weeks from my verbal start date to do the paperwork so I expect them to be lazy about everything else. I need get past the anger and go into assertive mode.
  12. And the good news is that your cholesterol is now really, really low, right?
  13. Yes, hope is a fantasy because it addresses things which aren't (yet) real. But I can't agree that it is useless, even considering the desperation of my present predicament. Psychological research has proven that the happiest people lie to themselves. They exaggerate the good and minimize the bad. So the question is what's more important: happiness or truth? I think I'd rather not die on the altar of Truth, which may well be an illusion in itself.
  14. Trying to keep my mood positive. Had some scary mail from creditors which I opened this morning. Bankruptcy is looming as my only option and then there will still be taxes that I cannot discharge. It is very hard to get out there and confidently market myself with this shame and self-hatred raining down on me each day. I am beginning to understand what the poverty cycle is about.
  15. Yeah, I sure know that feeling. Wish I had a therapist but I can't afford a good one.
  16. Getting weary of these mood swings. Had a big crash after morning coffee and now I'm on the upswing again. I think it may have been the multivitamins I took with my croissant. Hiding out again at Peet's (with air conditioning) while temps soar past 90 again today.
  17. Go live with someone who does not abuse you emotionally?
  18. Not bad at the moment. I'm back at my Peet's where I start every day at 7ish after getting kicked out of the overnight parking lot. I bought a little travel pillow yesterday and that made the car a lot more comfortable. Only two of us there last night. It reinforces my thoughts of failure: the economy is buzzing and everyone is making out except me! What the heck has happened to me?? It seems that I was committing slow suicide by withdrawing, bit by bit, from everything. In fact, ending my life was part of the grand plan born in an alcoholic brain about 10 years ago. Now I'm here and it doesn't seem like such a good idea, but I am still in an emotional and motivational limbo. I need to reconnect with people and world, and most of all, with my own alien heart.
  19. My evening positive mood swing is beginning. But I am exhausted. My apartment-sitting gig ended yesterday and I didn't sleep well the last couple of nights I was there. Last night was my first time sleeping in the car. Not as bad as I thought it would be, but not much fun, either. There is a local program for people living out of their cars to stay overnight in church parking lots with a locked gate and a guard and a portable toilet. Thank goodness for this small safety net! Today has been a challenge figuring out what to do with my time. Turns out to be a blessing that I took a very small part-time job at a local private college — it's a safe place to hang out and I can use the fitness center and the showers! This is a huge change in lifestyle for me as I have been a homebody all my life. But I am not falling apart (yet). It's just weird to find myself in the same area I've lived in for years but not really knowing it at all.
  20. That was one stupid trick I have not repeated, I am happy to say. An alcohol-and-haloperidol hangover is not something I would wish on an enemy.
  21. The only time I had Haldol was when I fell down drunk and woke up in the hospital. They had given it to me because I was intoxicated and hit my head and kept trying to get out of "bed" (a gurney parked in the hallway during a busy night at Emergency). The whole experience was so horrible I don't really know how much of the horror was caused by my chemical restraint.
  22. Yes, it plays nightly in my head starting around 3 am. There are brief intermissions of sleep and the reels become more intense toward dawn.
  23. Hotlines don't do therapy. The only reason they exist is keep you from doing "it." If your life continues to be miserable, they don't care, just so long as your life continues.
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