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Posts posted by John_in_SF

  1. 5 hours ago, monicott17 said:

    Feeling overwhelmed by hopelessness yet again. Been a rough stretch of late and not really doing well but I am getting worse since I had an “a-ha” moment recently when I realized nothing I do or say will do any good or help me out of this miserable situation (on a number of levels) that I am stuck in. Pretty sure I knew this all along but for some reason recently it hit me hard.

    This sounds more like the second of the terrible triplets, helplessness. Depression lies to me and tells me there is nothing I can do, that nothing will help. When depression abates, I can see that it is a ridiculous lie. But at the time, when it happens, I am totally convinced. And it happens pretty much every day.

  2. If you really want to take a chance on seeing Dad, you will have to set boundaries in advance and enforce them. Tell him there will be no discussion of your meds. Tell him you will not be mowing the lawn (unless he is paying!) If he agrees, then you should have a Plan B for somewhere else to go when he breaks his word and becomes abusive again. This is how adults act with each other; you can honor him by showing him that he raised an adult human being who can take care of themself.

  3. Unwanted thoughts of harming yourself or others can be a sign of obsessive-compulsive disorder. You said you already have an anxiety problem and this could be another facet of it. A lot of people have trouble like this with OCD; you definitely aren't alone.

  4. It sounds like you are angry that she is not interested in the film or the book you recommended. That's not a great reason to end your friendship if you have other interests in common. But maybe it means that you don't, or that this other person is not very interested in keeping your friendship. You should find out by talking to her. Maybe she is too polite to say "those things don't interest me."

  5. I was 32 years old when I got a call from the manager at my parents' apartment complex saying that my Dad was in the hospital and they needed help. I had been estranged for about 3 years because of my mother's toxic personality and behavior. In my Dad's case, it wasn't alcohol, but Parkinson's Disease. Similar situation with finding a nursing home; none of them are nice places. I will say that Mom turned into the nicest person in the world when I came back! I did feel some guilt about leaving her alone to deal with my Dad and his failing health, not to mention her own substance abuse and mental problems, but in retrospect, it was the best thing for me and for them. I got on with my life and my mother found the humility she was in desperate need of.

  6. Whenever I get in the "Nobody cares about me" mood, I ask myself, "Who do I care about?" I don't generally come up with a stellar answer, but it reminds me that energy flows both ways.

    It's 9 o'clock, my best time of day. Problems seem manageable and the future, while uncertain, does not weigh down on me. I wish I could feel like this more through the day.

  7. 6:30 pm nadir is approaching. Everything seems bleak now. I know it will slowly pass and I will feel kind of normal around 9 pm. It goes this way most days. I wonder if it is related to caffeine withdrawal. I drink a single mug every morning around 7 am. Used to be two mugs, but that keeps me awake at night these days.

  8. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. This pandemic is like wartime. Danger all around and the best we can do is to soldier on. I rushed out to get the vaccine and booster as soon as I was allowed, but I still feel under siege whenever I go about in public.

  9. I'm sorry to hear about the bad things that have happened to you since 2018, Kenneth. You've probably read that rumination is a hallmark of clinical depression — going over all the bad stuff in your head over and over again. I know I certainly do it and I have to struggle to get away from the negativity.

    But you do have to get away from it if you are to have any chance of moving forward. I don't mean to come off like Mr. Fixit, but reading your posts, I wonder if there is any chance of you taking the exam again? My understanding is that professional exams can be taken more than once. I've heard of quite a few lawyers who didn't pass the bar exam on the first try. Your school sounds really harsh if they just kicked you out and didn't even let you try. Or did you decide not to try?

    I work with a woman who has cerebral palsy and severe strabismus. She acts like it's not there and after a while, no one even notices it anymore.

  10. So, did you send the greeting? How did it make you feel? Anything come of it?

    I once estranged myself from my mother for nearly three years. It was one of the best things I ever did. Forced me to get ahead with my own life and stop playing her manipulative games. For the record, she was an abusive, angry drunk/BPD type person. I disposed of all her letters and phone messages during this time and never had any desire to know their contents.

  11. I was pretty busy and connected right up until Christmas Eve. Then I got left behind while everyone went to do their family things. Spent the week from Christmas to New Year's in my usual isolation, knowing that I would be homeless again after the holiday. January and February are actually the worst time of the year for me, far worse than the holidays; perhaps it's because the festivity is over and there is nothing but winter ahead.

  12. It sounds like your manager is laying groundwork to get rid of you one way or another. From what you said, you are doing neither yourself nor the company any favor by hanging around. I wonder if you have more choices about what to do next than you think. Black/white all/nothing thinking is a hallmark of depression. Isn't it possible you could find another position that made good use of your abilities and which you would find gratifying?

  13. Hitting a depression peak (valley?) right about now. I've had a living situation for about three months but it ended and now I'm back to sleeping in the car. Still avoiding people and not getting on with my life. I have a couple of measly jobs that keep me from starving but still way underemployed, seriously in debt, disconnected from the world and a future. I don't know how to get out of this pit.

  14. Blah. And awkward. I apartment/dog-sat for my pastor for a few days, then she said I could stay here longer and sleep on an air mattress in the kitchen. I'm grateful for the opportunity to not sleep in my car in an industrial parking lot, but I feel like an intruder, despite being as cheerful and helpful around the house as I can be. I don't think this is going to last very long.

    I am catching on to a new facet of my depression, and that is anhedonia. I'm not motivated to improve my lot because nothing is enticing or promising or rewarding to me. This is sort of the flip side of hopelessness.

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