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Everything posted by John_in_SF

  1. Emotional abuse in particular can make you oversensitive to rejection. That's what happened to me. When I get friendly with someone, it quickly turns into suspicion that they are trying to manipulate me and I am constantly looking for signs of rejection. I inevitably find them (or imagine them) and things cool off. I am also hypervigilant about boundaries and react with tremendous anger if I think they are being crossed. It seldom happens because I am so avoidant but it surprises me when it does, and needless to say, turns people away from me.
  2. I don't remember where I saw it, maybe on YouTube, but a fellow who had been on benzos for years went cold turkey and had his friend make a video of him twitching and shuddering. It was quite horrible.
  3. I have a different take. You owe it to yourself and your mother to read what she wrote back since you started the conversation. You might find that it's not all nastiness, or maybe you could even learn something new about her. If it is the predictable raging response of a narcissist, then at least you are prepared for it and you can choose to end things right there. But I would be uncomfortable cutting her out of my life forever without knowing.
  4. Have you tried the psychedelic treatments (ketamine and now psilocybin)?
  5. Cognitive-behavioral therapy has a good track record with OCD. It takes a lot of commitment, though. Sometimes you can put your obsessive side to work on it. Anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications can also help if you need the extra kick to interrupt the cycle.
  6. Let us know how your visit with the doctor turns out. It sounds like you may have had a panic attack. Feeling like you are going to die is a common symptom.
  7. This sounds more like the second of the terrible triplets, helplessness. Depression lies to me and tells me there is nothing I can do, that nothing will help. When depression abates, I can see that it is a ridiculous lie. But at the time, when it happens, I am totally convinced. And it happens pretty much every day.
  8. Is there something in the air today? I became very anxious last night and woke up this morning with the worst depression I've had in months. It's improved enough that I feel like writing now.
  9. If you really want to take a chance on seeing Dad, you will have to set boundaries in advance and enforce them. Tell him there will be no discussion of your meds. Tell him you will not be mowing the lawn (unless he is paying!) If he agrees, then you should have a Plan B for somewhere else to go when he breaks his word and becomes abusive again. This is how adults act with each other; you can honor him by showing him that he raised an adult human being who can take care of themself.
  10. Unwanted thoughts of harming yourself or others can be a sign of obsessive-compulsive disorder. You said you already have an anxiety problem and this could be another facet of it. A lot of people have trouble like this with OCD; you definitely aren't alone.
  11. It sounds like you are angry that she is not interested in the film or the book you recommended. That's not a great reason to end your friendship if you have other interests in common. But maybe it means that you don't, or that this other person is not very interested in keeping your friendship. You should find out by talking to her. Maybe she is too polite to say "those things don't interest me."
  12. This is a question for your medical practitioner. None of us know about your particular situation. But it sounds like you are on the right path. Nine months is a long time to taper and I expect you haven't had too much trouble so far.
  13. I was 32 years old when I got a call from the manager at my parents' apartment complex saying that my Dad was in the hospital and they needed help. I had been estranged for about 3 years because of my mother's toxic personality and behavior. In my Dad's case, it wasn't alcohol, but Parkinson's Disease. Similar situation with finding a nursing home; none of them are nice places. I will say that Mom turned into the nicest person in the world when I came back! I did feel some guilt about leaving her alone to deal with my Dad and his failing health, not to mention her own substance abuse and mental problems, but in retrospect, it was the best thing for me and for them. I got on with my life and my mother found the humility she was in desperate need of.
  14. Whenever I get in the "Nobody cares about me" mood, I ask myself, "Who do I care about?" I don't generally come up with a stellar answer, but it reminds me that energy flows both ways. It's 9 o'clock, my best time of day. Problems seem manageable and the future, while uncertain, does not weigh down on me. I wish I could feel like this more through the day.
  15. 6:30 pm nadir is approaching. Everything seems bleak now. I know it will slowly pass and I will feel kind of normal around 9 pm. It goes this way most days. I wonder if it is related to caffeine withdrawal. I drink a single mug every morning around 7 am. Used to be two mugs, but that keeps me awake at night these days.
  16. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. This pandemic is like wartime. Danger all around and the best we can do is to soldier on. I rushed out to get the vaccine and booster as soon as I was allowed, but I still feel under siege whenever I go about in public.
  17. I'm not reading any condescension into John's post. I hear the voice of someone who is excited to find something that worked so well he wants to evangelize it.
  18. A little nervous but the anxiety is not running away this time, which is a victory. My living situation may be changing in a few weeks and the future is uncertain. I guess it's always uncertain, right? Except for the sun coming up. . .
  19. I'm sorry to hear about the bad things that have happened to you since 2018, Kenneth. You've probably read that rumination is a hallmark of clinical depression — going over all the bad stuff in your head over and over again. I know I certainly do it and I have to struggle to get away from the negativity. But you do have to get away from it if you are to have any chance of moving forward. I don't mean to come off like Mr. Fixit, but reading your posts, I wonder if there is any chance of you taking the exam again? My understanding is that professional exams can be taken more than once. I've heard of quite a few lawyers who didn't pass the bar exam on the first try. Your school sounds really harsh if they just kicked you out and didn't even let you try. Or did you decide not to try? I work with a woman who has cerebral palsy and severe strabismus. She acts like it's not there and after a while, no one even notices it anymore.
  20. So, did you send the greeting? How did it make you feel? Anything come of it? I once estranged myself from my mother for nearly three years. It was one of the best things I ever did. Forced me to get ahead with my own life and stop playing her manipulative games. For the record, she was an abusive, angry drunk/BPD type person. I disposed of all her letters and phone messages during this time and never had any desire to know their contents.
  21. Anxious with a large dose of ashamed. I kind of lashed out at someone last night and got them into trouble. Now I feel like I am the one in trouble. I am disappointed in myself.
  22. Very low. I have ruined my life. I don't know why I go on day after day. Nothing changes. I am forever alone. You can write "You're not alone!" but those are just chirpy words on a computer screen, a whistle in my graveyard.
  23. I'm having a caffeinated drink and feeling better on a simple xanthine high.
  24. I'm having a sugary drink and feeling better on a simple carbo high.
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