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Everything posted by John_in_SF

  1. Back when I was on citalopram, I went up to 40 mg for a while. I think that is supposed to be similar to 20 mg of escitalopram. It really took down my anxiety. It was like a new experience of the world for me. The jitters I always felt about leaving the house were completely gone. But it clobbered my sex drive and left me feeling a little too distant from things . . . I don't know, maybe I was accustomed to the anxiety as my "reality." I tapered back down to 30 mg without any trouble.
  2. Someone once told me you have to find a therapist who is smarter than you are. I know it sounds kind of conceited, but it is a practical reality. If you therapist can't get ahead of your tricks, then it's a waste of time.
  3. Irritability is a common symptom of depression. It is also common to project one's self-loathing onto other people. Perhaps hating other people distracts you from hating yourself.
  4. Not great. I guess it's too early for my 9 p.m. boost. Waking up too early lately with anxious and depressing thoughts. It's like every time I think about anyone else in the world I wonder why I am so worthless compared to them. It's an awful sinking feeling and I guess that's why they call it "depression." I lost a contract job last month and I'm down to pennies again and can only pay a small part of October rent. My landlord is my friend but she has given me a lot already and I feel like s**t treating her this way. She knows I lost the job but doesn't know my situation is dire while I scramble to find more work. I have been putting off telling her and that's getting to be as bad or worse than how I imagine it will go.
  5. Have you sought medical treatment? Hearing voices is a serious symptom. Many people have experienced it and received help.
  6. There is no apology here. "No more arguments" sounds like she is not interested in what you have to say unless you are agreeing with her. That's not a level playing field. If you wanted to probe a bit, you could ask her what she think you have to apologize for. I suppose it will be that you abandoned her, which is the greatest fear of the narcissistic personality. If you went away to protect yourself, you certainly owe no apology and should tell her so.
  7. I know you mean well but this advice is fairly close to "just snap out of it." That doesn't happen for a person experiencing panic attacks and clinical depression. Whether it's talk therapy, medications, or medical treatments, it takes time and a lot of effort to turn that ship around.
  8. Emotional abuse in particular can make you oversensitive to rejection. That's what happened to me. When I get friendly with someone, it quickly turns into suspicion that they are trying to manipulate me and I am constantly looking for signs of rejection. I inevitably find them (or imagine them) and things cool off. I am also hypervigilant about boundaries and react with tremendous anger if I think they are being crossed. It seldom happens because I am so avoidant but it surprises me when it does, and needless to say, turns people away from me.
  9. I don't remember where I saw it, maybe on YouTube, but a fellow who had been on benzos for years went cold turkey and had his friend make a video of him twitching and shuddering. It was quite horrible.
  10. I have a different take. You owe it to yourself and your mother to read what she wrote back since you started the conversation. You might find that it's not all nastiness, or maybe you could even learn something new about her. If it is the predictable raging response of a narcissist, then at least you are prepared for it and you can choose to end things right there. But I would be uncomfortable cutting her out of my life forever without knowing.
  11. Have you tried the psychedelic treatments (ketamine and now psilocybin)?
  12. Cognitive-behavioral therapy has a good track record with OCD. It takes a lot of commitment, though. Sometimes you can put your obsessive side to work on it. Anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications can also help if you need the extra kick to interrupt the cycle.
  13. Let us know how your visit with the doctor turns out. It sounds like you may have had a panic attack. Feeling like you are going to die is a common symptom.
  14. This sounds more like the second of the terrible triplets, helplessness. Depression lies to me and tells me there is nothing I can do, that nothing will help. When depression abates, I can see that it is a ridiculous lie. But at the time, when it happens, I am totally convinced. And it happens pretty much every day.
  15. Is there something in the air today? I became very anxious last night and woke up this morning with the worst depression I've had in months. It's improved enough that I feel like writing now.
  16. If you really want to take a chance on seeing Dad, you will have to set boundaries in advance and enforce them. Tell him there will be no discussion of your meds. Tell him you will not be mowing the lawn (unless he is paying!) If he agrees, then you should have a Plan B for somewhere else to go when he breaks his word and becomes abusive again. This is how adults act with each other; you can honor him by showing him that he raised an adult human being who can take care of themself.
  17. Unwanted thoughts of harming yourself or others can be a sign of obsessive-compulsive disorder. You said you already have an anxiety problem and this could be another facet of it. A lot of people have trouble like this with OCD; you definitely aren't alone.
  18. It sounds like you are angry that she is not interested in the film or the book you recommended. That's not a great reason to end your friendship if you have other interests in common. But maybe it means that you don't, or that this other person is not very interested in keeping your friendship. You should find out by talking to her. Maybe she is too polite to say "those things don't interest me."
  19. This is a question for your medical practitioner. None of us know about your particular situation. But it sounds like you are on the right path. Nine months is a long time to taper and I expect you haven't had too much trouble so far.
  20. I was 32 years old when I got a call from the manager at my parents' apartment complex saying that my Dad was in the hospital and they needed help. I had been estranged for about 3 years because of my mother's toxic personality and behavior. In my Dad's case, it wasn't alcohol, but Parkinson's Disease. Similar situation with finding a nursing home; none of them are nice places. I will say that Mom turned into the nicest person in the world when I came back! I did feel some guilt about leaving her alone to deal with my Dad and his failing health, not to mention her own substance abuse and mental problems, but in retrospect, it was the best thing for me and for them. I got on with my life and my mother found the humility she was in desperate need of.
  21. Whenever I get in the "Nobody cares about me" mood, I ask myself, "Who do I care about?" I don't generally come up with a stellar answer, but it reminds me that energy flows both ways. It's 9 o'clock, my best time of day. Problems seem manageable and the future, while uncertain, does not weigh down on me. I wish I could feel like this more through the day.
  22. 6:30 pm nadir is approaching. Everything seems bleak now. I know it will slowly pass and I will feel kind of normal around 9 pm. It goes this way most days. I wonder if it is related to caffeine withdrawal. I drink a single mug every morning around 7 am. Used to be two mugs, but that keeps me awake at night these days.
  23. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. This pandemic is like wartime. Danger all around and the best we can do is to soldier on. I rushed out to get the vaccine and booster as soon as I was allowed, but I still feel under siege whenever I go about in public.
  24. I'm not reading any condescension into John's post. I hear the voice of someone who is excited to find something that worked so well he wants to evangelize it.
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