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John_in_SF

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Everything posted by John_in_SF

  1. I was 32 years old when I got a call from the manager at my parents' apartment complex saying that my Dad was in the hospital and they needed help. I had been estranged for about 3 years because of my mother's toxic personality and behavior. In my Dad's case, it wasn't alcohol, but Parkinson's Disease. Similar situation with finding a nursing home; none of them are nice places. I will say that Mom turned into the nicest person in the world when I came back! I did feel some guilt about leaving her alone to deal with my Dad and his failing health, not to mention her own substance abuse and mental problems, but in retrospect, it was the best thing for me and for them. I got on with my life and my mother found the humility she was in desperate need of.
  2. Whenever I get in the "Nobody cares about me" mood, I ask myself, "Who do I care about?" I don't generally come up with a stellar answer, but it reminds me that energy flows both ways. It's 9 o'clock, my best time of day. Problems seem manageable and the future, while uncertain, does not weigh down on me. I wish I could feel like this more through the day.
  3. 6:30 pm nadir is approaching. Everything seems bleak now. I know it will slowly pass and I will feel kind of normal around 9 pm. It goes this way most days. I wonder if it is related to caffeine withdrawal. I drink a single mug every morning around 7 am. Used to be two mugs, but that keeps me awake at night these days.
  4. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. This pandemic is like wartime. Danger all around and the best we can do is to soldier on. I rushed out to get the vaccine and booster as soon as I was allowed, but I still feel under siege whenever I go about in public.
  5. I'm not reading any condescension into John's post. I hear the voice of someone who is excited to find something that worked so well he wants to evangelize it.
  6. A little nervous but the anxiety is not running away this time, which is a victory. My living situation may be changing in a few weeks and the future is uncertain. I guess it's always uncertain, right? Except for the sun coming up. . .
  7. I'm sorry to hear about the bad things that have happened to you since 2018, Kenneth. You've probably read that rumination is a hallmark of clinical depression — going over all the bad stuff in your head over and over again. I know I certainly do it and I have to struggle to get away from the negativity. But you do have to get away from it if you are to have any chance of moving forward. I don't mean to come off like Mr. Fixit, but reading your posts, I wonder if there is any chance of you taking the exam again? My understanding is that professional exams can be taken more than once. I've heard of quite a few lawyers who didn't pass the bar exam on the first try. Your school sounds really harsh if they just kicked you out and didn't even let you try. Or did you decide not to try? I work with a woman who has cerebral palsy and severe strabismus. She acts like it's not there and after a while, no one even notices it anymore.
  8. So, did you send the greeting? How did it make you feel? Anything come of it? I once estranged myself from my mother for nearly three years. It was one of the best things I ever did. Forced me to get ahead with my own life and stop playing her manipulative games. For the record, she was an abusive, angry drunk/BPD type person. I disposed of all her letters and phone messages during this time and never had any desire to know their contents.
  9. Anxious with a large dose of ashamed. I kind of lashed out at someone last night and got them into trouble. Now I feel like I am the one in trouble. I am disappointed in myself.
  10. Very low. I have ruined my life. I don't know why I go on day after day. Nothing changes. I am forever alone. You can write "You're not alone!" but those are just chirpy words on a computer screen, a whistle in my graveyard.
  11. I'm having a caffeinated drink and feeling better on a simple xanthine high.
  12. I'm having a sugary drink and feeling better on a simple carbo high.
  13. And I am encouraged to see that Mr. Checkout is still among the quick.
  14. I was pretty busy and connected right up until Christmas Eve. Then I got left behind while everyone went to do their family things. Spent the week from Christmas to New Year's in my usual isolation, knowing that I would be homeless again after the holiday. January and February are actually the worst time of the year for me, far worse than the holidays; perhaps it's because the festivity is over and there is nothing but winter ahead.
  15. It sounds like your manager is laying groundwork to get rid of you one way or another. From what you said, you are doing neither yourself nor the company any favor by hanging around. I wonder if you have more choices about what to do next than you think. Black/white all/nothing thinking is a hallmark of depression. Isn't it possible you could find another position that made good use of your abilities and which you would find gratifying?
  16. Hitting a depression peak (valley?) right about now. I've had a living situation for about three months but it ended and now I'm back to sleeping in the car. Still avoiding people and not getting on with my life. I have a couple of measly jobs that keep me from starving but still way underemployed, seriously in debt, disconnected from the world and a future. I don't know how to get out of this pit.
  17. Blah. And awkward. I apartment/dog-sat for my pastor for a few days, then she said I could stay here longer and sleep on an air mattress in the kitchen. I'm grateful for the opportunity to not sleep in my car in an industrial parking lot, but I feel like an intruder, despite being as cheerful and helpful around the house as I can be. I don't think this is going to last very long. I am catching on to a new facet of my depression, and that is anhedonia. I'm not motivated to improve my lot because nothing is enticing or promising or rewarding to me. This is sort of the flip side of hopelessness.
  18. Pretty good this morning. I am experiencing fewer and shallower low moods. Doing the PowerPoint slides for my church's services this month so that gives me creative work to take me out of my head.
  19. I hear that. For a while, gabapentin seemed like the only thing giving me proper sleep. Then I realized it had zombified me and was rapidly increasing my depression. Into the trash it went!
  20. Oddly good, maybe hypomanic. I have moderated the coffee and avoided sugary food, which seem to keep my mood from swinging. Even though I woke up too early as usual, I wasn't depressed as usual. I got a little creative work done this morning, which also helps. I am beginning to see that my days have long been filled with an empty, computer-obsessed routine. It's starkly clear now that I am out of my familiar environs. Now I need to set some goals and start planning, which has been hard to do when I don't have hope for the future.
  21. I am going through this, too, Kenneth. Hopelessness ("things will never get better") is the signature symptom of major depression. Coming in second and third are helplessness ("there's nothing I can do about it") and worthlessness ("I'm no good to anybody"). These are all lies. The problem is that depression is a convincing liar. While in its throes, I firmly believe these things and it's a terrible feeling. I am convinced that there is nothing to live for. One thing you can do is, when you are feeling better, write a letter to your depressed self to remind you that these thoughts and feelings can pass.
  22. Have you shared your unhappiness with your wife, who appears to have made this decision for you, and if so, what does she say?
  23. Like I'm seriously past my expiration date. My body is sore from a week of sleeping in a reclined bucket seat. I went to church today, which was nice, but then it's over and everyone disperses and I'm back out here alone again.
  24. I am envious. I don't have any friends. Acquaintances and people who help me from time to time, but no one to go hang out with. Something is wrong with me in that department. I don't like being alone all the time.
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