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About John_in_SF

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    Advanced Member

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  • Location
    San Francisco, California
  • Interests
    Computers, science, piano, singing, country-western dancing, movies on my killer AV system

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798 profile views
  1. Very low. I have ruined my life. I don't know why I go on day after day. Nothing changes. I am forever alone. You can write "You're not alone!" but those are just chirpy words on a computer screen, a whistle in my graveyard.
  2. I'm having a caffeinated drink and feeling better on a simple xanthine high. 🤩
  3. I'm having a sugary drink and feeling better on a simple carbo high. 😊
  4. And I am encouraged to see that Mr. Checkout is still among the quick.
  5. I was pretty busy and connected right up until Christmas Eve. Then I got left behind while everyone went to do their family things. Spent the week from Christmas to New Year's in my usual isolation, knowing that I would be homeless again after the holiday. January and February are actually the worst time of the year for me, far worse than the holidays; perhaps it's because the festivity is over and there is nothing but winter ahead.
  6. It sounds like your manager is laying groundwork to get rid of you one way or another. From what you said, you are doing neither yourself nor the company any favor by hanging around. I wonder if you have more choices about what to do next than you think. Black/white all/nothing thinking is a hallmark of depression. Isn't it possible you could find another position that made good use of your abilities and which you would find gratifying?
  7. Hitting a depression peak (valley?) right about now. I've had a living situation for about three months but it ended and now I'm back to sleeping in the car. Still avoiding people and not getting on with my life. I have a couple of measly jobs that keep me from starving but still way underemployed, seriously in debt, disconnected from the world and a future. I don't know how to get out of this pit.
  8. Blah. And awkward. I apartment/dog-sat for my pastor for a few days, then she said I could stay here longer and sleep on an air mattress in the kitchen. I'm grateful for the opportunity to not sleep in my car in an industrial parking lot, but I feel like an intruder, despite being as cheerful and helpful around the house as I can be. I don't think this is going to last very long. I am catching on to a new facet of my depression, and that is anhedonia. I'm not motivated to improve my lot because nothing is enticing or promising or rewarding to me. This is sort of the flip side of hopelessness.
  9. Pretty good this morning. I am experiencing fewer and shallower low moods. Doing the PowerPoint slides for my church's services this month so that gives me creative work to take me out of my head.
  10. I hear that. For a while, gabapentin seemed like the only thing giving me proper sleep. Then I realized it had zombified me and was rapidly increasing my depression. Into the trash it went!
  11. Oddly good, maybe hypomanic. I have moderated the coffee and avoided sugary food, which seem to keep my mood from swinging. Even though I woke up too early as usual, I wasn't depressed as usual. I got a little creative work done this morning, which also helps. I am beginning to see that my days have long been filled with an empty, computer-obsessed routine. It's starkly clear now that I am out of my familiar environs. Now I need to set some goals and start planning, which has been hard to do when I don't have hope for the future.
  12. I am going through this, too, Kenneth. Hopelessness ("things will never get better") is the signature symptom of major depression. Coming in second and third are helplessness ("there's nothing I can do about it") and worthlessness ("I'm no good to anybody"). These are all lies. The problem is that depression is a convincing liar. While in its throes, I firmly believe these things and it's a terrible feeling. I am convinced that there is nothing to live for. One thing you can do is, when you are feeling better, write a letter to your depressed self to remind you that these thoughts and feelings can pass.
  13. Have you shared your unhappiness with your wife, who appears to have made this decision for you, and if so, what does she say?
  14. Like I'm seriously past my expiration date. My body is sore from a week of sleeping in a reclined bucket seat. I went to church today, which was nice, but then it's over and everyone disperses and I'm back out here alone again.
  15. I am envious. I don't have any friends. Acquaintances and people who help me from time to time, but no one to go hang out with. Something is wrong with me in that department. I don't like being alone all the time.
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