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Everything posted by out_of_step

  1. I've had depression for 15+ years now and it hasn't seemed to improve in that time, although there are times when it's been worse. I have no life at this point in time and I don't know how to start to get better. I rarely leave the house, I have next to no friends and I don't enjoy doing anything. I spend most of my time trying to distract myself until I can go to sleep again (generally with the internet, tv or drinking/food). Everyone I talk to seems to think that I just need to do more and I'd be happier, but I don't have the energy to even try. It feels like it would only be for other people's benefit anyway. I feel so bored with life and I used to be actively suicidal, but now I can't even be bothered to try that. I don't know how to get better. I've been going to therapy this year but it hasn't helped at all, if anything I've felt worse. I don't know what to do :(
  2. So I've been on fluoxetine for 2 weeks (have tried it before but this is my 3rd time) and it's already making me feel like i don't care about anything. I feel so lacking in motivation that I don't want to leave my flat or go anywhere. Does this generally get better on this med or is it just not right for me? Is there anything I can suggest to my psych that would help? Thanks in advance!
  3. I'm struggling to keep my eating in check at the moment. I think it's being fuelled by my depression (lethargy, boredom, low mood) and I don't know how to feel positive about eating in a healthier way, or putting some limits on my eating. Background: I used to restrict for the majority of my teen years, but lost all control towards the end and have had problems with binging and overeating since. Food is on my brain the majority of the time, even when I'm trying to avoid it or cut down. I know how to loose weight - I've put myself through it enough times, but I associate it with a lot of pain and so seem to be burying my head in the sand somewhat, and just letting myself carry on my unhealthy habits. I wish I could stick to a healthy diet, but I have no motivation and food is always there, taunting me. Sometimes it feels like all I have to numb out my dissatisfaction with life. I hate it... I feel so weak but what can I do? I berate myself enough for not being good enough. It never makes any difference... Does anyone else have the same problem? Any advice?
  4. I'm trying so hard to keep my depression symptoms in check but I don't know if I want to be well if I have to deal with so much boredom! Every day I get up the same time, have the same routine: cup of tea, breakfast, sit around on the computer, maybe try to go out if I need anything from the shops, lunch, dawdle around some more, maybe get a walk, watch tv, dinner, more tv, more tea, eventually forcing myself to bed. I can't stand it. I need some kind of project that I can apply myself to, but I never seem to feel like I have the energy or concentration, nor the will. I feel like I'm missing the essence of being human. That one thing that drives you forward, to achieve or to simply enjoy doing anything. People keep saying to me to try this, or that, or the other, but it all falls flat. I can't see the point. Every time I try to humour the well intentioned suggestions I never feel like I get anything out of it. I end up staying home all the time, aside from going to the shops or for a walk (which I only do to shake up the monotony). Every action feels empty. How am I supposed to feel again?!
  5. Thanks for your replies and support everyone x I'm not sure how to move forward with this particular issue right now. I'm just trying to concentrate on getting better/more stable health wise, and maybe the motivation will follow... I don't know. Will think about trying some of the suggestions, if I can. It's hard to break a lifetime habit though!
  6. I don't know if this is bpd related or not, but I have a lot of problems making and keeping friends which is bothering me right now. I flip constantly from needing company and, I guess, the validation that it brings (that I am an 'ok' person or 'likeable'), to hating everyone around me, feeling rejected and like it's not worth making the effort - I'm better off alone etc. I practically idolise other people's social skills and feel quite jealous of their ability to have others appreciation and care. Many times when I've reached out to people, I find that my efforts have either been ignored or I've been hurt by them in some way. I feel quite bitter about most of my past friendships and have few friendships left that have lasted longer than a couple of years. I feel like everyone is judging me all the time, so I rarely feel able to leave the house and when I do I make sure not to stand out from the crowd and keep my head down, don't interact with people around and so on. I don't know how to get over my paranoia, and I end up trapped in my isolating behaviours which 'protect' me. I can't even face starting a college course, volunteering or getting a job as other people cause me such anxiety. Even if people are being nice to my face, I think that they secretly hate me or are picking me apart in their head. It makes dating especially difficult and I've always been shy anyway. I feel sad that I never have the courage to speak to anyone that I fancy, and every person I've dated has been someone that I didn't feel that strongly about because they were the only people I had the confidence to talk to. I feel ashamed that I lie to people and pretend that I feel the same way as they do, all because I am too scared of losing them and not having anyone else. I always end up feeling like I've 'settled' with people, friends or partners, and end up resenting their company, even though they haven't done anything wrong, and I'm the horrible one. I feel like I've said too much, and it's so shameful, all of it. But I needed to get it out somewhere. I have nowhere else to go...
  7. I can definitely relate. I feel like my family just try to ignore my conditions for the most part, however bad I get. I've lost a lot of friends through my social anxiety and then from a particularly bad patch in my depression last year. People just don't seem to want to be around those who are having a hard time, or so it seems to me. There are a few people who have stuck by me no matter though, and those are the ones that matter most to me now. It hurts when people you thought cared about you turn out so willing to drop you the moment you show any unhappiness or distress that is beyond what they consider 'normal'. I wish it wasn't so.
  8. I've struggled with binge eating ever since my 'recovery' from anorexia nearly 10 years ago now. I know that I'm in a healthier state weight wise than I was and since I'm not (currently) overweight I should be happy enough, but my eating habits distress me greatly and stop me from going out, looking after myself, socialising and countless other things. My life revolves around food and trying not to eat it (and usually failing). Every day is a struggle not to go to bed in pain, and I am living in fear of every pound of weight gain. I'm constantly torn between the urge to starve myself again and the desire to just give up and give in when it comes to food. The trouble is, neither gives me any solace. No amount of food is enough, just as I know that no amount of control I put on food would satisfy my anorexic brain. I'm at a loss as to what to do. There is no support for people in a healthy weight range who have an eating disorder (at least not in my area). My binge eating has been a major driver in my depression and suicidal thoughts, as well as leading me to self harm on many occassions. I'm trying to get better and pull myself out of my depression but my eating keeps dragging me back. I feel lonely without it, but I hate it so much. I want to go back to when I felt more in control and something in me doesn't have the strength anymore. So I can only fail more and more. Can anyone give me any advice or comfort? Thanks in advance.
  9. Thanks both. I've been thinking of asking the dr to up my dose after a couple of weeks, just because I've always been on a fairly high dose when I've taken it before (30/40) so I know 10mg isn't going to be enough. I'm trying to be patient but I hope it will give me more energy like you say. I wish it wasn't such a wait to see if they work but oh well...
  10. *trigger warning* So I had a bit of a tough year last year with my depression, in that it got a little too dramatic and I was cycling up and down, with terrible lows and manic highs. I seem to have pulled myself through it all and although I am no longer actively suicidal I feel like I have no enjoyment in life at all. Everything bores me, I can't concentrate (or maybe just don't want to), I can't focus or complete any tasks because I just don't care. I feel ambivalent about surviving, not because I feel miserable, but because I feel nothing. I almost miss the lows I got to last year, purely because life felt exciting and meaningful, even as I was chucking it away. I very much romanticise how things were because for once I actually felt overwhelmed with emotion, whereas now I feel like I am actually dead inside - without trying to sound too trite. I have bpd and when I feel too 'normal' I feel bored but I don't really know what to do about it. I don't have any interest in doing anything anymore, not even anything self destructive (although I wish that I did because at least that would be something). I don't know if anyone else can share their thoughts with me? I feel so lost, like I'm just treading water. This isn't living :(
  11. I've recently started taking citalopram 10mg (on day 5 now) but unsure whether I'll get any benefit from it... When I've taken it before I have felt less depressed, in the sense that my feelings have been dulled, but part of why I wanted to go back on AD's this time was because of my flat mood.. I'm worried it's only going to get flatter. Has anyone found it helpful for lack of motivation/enjoyment, low energy, low mood, low concentration? I'm also a bit concerned about it causing weight gain, because I've started night eating since being on it due in part to insomnia. At the same time, it is ******* my appetite, I'm just eating out of boredom now. I don't really know what I expected from going back on this med, but I'm so frustrated with how I feel right now. Everything is dull and pointless. I can't even lose myself in a tv show or a book... I hope someone can give me some faith in this medication.
  12. I've recently started taking citalopram 10mg (on day 5 now) but unsure whether I'll get any benefit from it... When I've taken it before I have felt less depressed, in the sense that my feelings have been dulled, but part of why I wanted to go back on AD's this time was because of my flat mood.. I'm worried it's only going to get flatter. Has anyone found it helpful for lack of motivation/enjoyment, low energy, low mood, low concentration? I'm also a bit concerned about it causing weight gain, because I've started night eating since being on it due in part to insomnia. At the same time, it is ******* my appetite, I'm just eating out of boredom now. I don't really know what I expected from going back on this med, but I'm so frustrated with how I feel right now. Everything is dull and pointless. I can't even lose myself in a tv show or a book... I hope someone can give me some faith in this medication.
  13. Hi Fizzle, Thanks for your reply. I wasn't aware you could have BN without purging, I assumed that was the definition of BED (perhaps wrongly?). I shall have to research it a little. I'm currently trying to find a therapist or dietician but it's really difficult. There isn't much choice locally and I can't afford much. Do you have regular therapy? I have read 'Fat is a Feminist Issue', admittedly a long time ago. I also found 'Overcoming Overeating' quite a helpful book, but maybe more in theory than practice. I think the problem is so deep seated that it's hard to eradicate the fear, no matter how much I tell myself that I'm helping myself...
  14. Hiya, I'm glad that you feel you've moved such a way in your recovery :) It's so hard to change these behaviours and thought patterns. What do you think is the difference coming from a starting point of AN? Just interested on your point of view as I don't meet many who have come a similar pathway as me. Part of what stops me, to certain degree, from letting it take over is the fact that AN still scares the hell out of me. I will never forget how I felt during those years. It was not only a physical supression but a mental one that stopped all enjoyment... It truly is a black hole, as you say. I still get flashbacks and memories whenever I feel that hunger in the pit of my stomach and that ultimately is what drives me back to the cupboards...and then again. It's almost like I have AN based PTSD if that makes any sense. I genuinely believe if I hadn't had AN then I would not have BED now. And that hurts. Bad. I don't know if I feel strong enough to involve a dietician at this point. I mean, I would feel too ashamed to tell them the extent of my binges when they happen. I'm currently in the process of finding a new T since moving to a different area but will be discussing this with them. I know it's a dangerous path, but I just want rid of the BED so bad (and the excess weight) that I feel like I'm willing to do anything...
  15. I feel like I'm in a battle lately between my anorexic thoughts and my binge behaviours. I guess a big thing that drives binges is always the desire to lose weight anyway, but these thoughts seem even more potent lately. All I want with every fibre is to starve and restrict, and I am occasionally trying and even succeeding for a brief spell, but I always end up binging at the end of the day and ready to start the diet tomorrow. Ok, so classic BED thinking, but I'm starting to try and engineer my restriction to a greater degree and with more drive than before. I'm not so sure that in a month's time I'll be binging as much. I can see the seasons changing in my mind, and although for now the binges are winning I think that their days are numbered :( This is kinda unusual for me as I've been struggling mostly with binge eating for about five or six years (after being anorexic for four or five) but now I feel like I've had enough. I loathe food so much and I just want to lose weight. I've found myself trying to look up tips to make things easier and also skipping meals. Ok, so I'm a little out of practice but I'm starting to isolate more and more and I fear that if I keep on this road I'm soon going to be afraid of every bite again. I already feel guilty for every bite so I'm halfway there... Part of me wants to encourage and nurture this desire, because I'm fed up of feeling 'fat' and bloated, but another part is silently crying. I know there's only one place I'll end up if I do this right and I don't want to be there. Treatment. Meal plans. Forced eating. I couldn't deal with that. Not again... I remember being on the cusp of switching from anorexic behaviours to binge eating ones and being aware of what I was doing and doing it anyway, not thinking how quickly these things can become ingrained and controlling and dangerous. I don't want to be so stupid this time around and let more bad habits form, even if I prefer their result. I don't know how to be healthy, and I don't seem to want to be - which scares me more. I'm sorry to be negative and triggering but I need to talk to someone about this and I don't know who...
  16. Hi Poetic Fail, thanks for your reply. Maybe I am letting my worries or personal hang ups get in the way of my relationships with women...I went to an all girls school and still have bad associations from that time which influence me, I think, even if subconsciously. For one, I feel more judged and afraid of other women and I just assume that they won't like me. I didn't have many friends in school and used to skip it or go off on my own at break time whenever I could. This probably affects how I interact with them and maybe I give off 'stay away' vibes...I don't know. One other thing that may be stopping me from giving women a chance is that I always had closer friendships with guys growing up, and felt safer around them, but then when they started getting interested in dating they stopped hanging out with me and chose to spend time with the girls they fancied - so therefore maybe I see being in a relationship with them as a way to maintain a close friendship with a guy without the risk of losing them to another girl. Which I know is ridiculous. Whoever faked being straight to keep a friend?? Still, I don't know what I want (male, female, no one?), just that I'm miserable and I feel like my life is lacking because of my relationship/sexual issues. I'd be willing to talk more to you about things if you think it might help...at the moment I just feel lost.
  17. I'm currently feeling a lot of unease surrounding my sexuality (or lack there of). I thought for a long time I was asexual, but then found I wanted more (at least psychologically) when I went out with a fellow asexual female. We broke up over it and then I ended up dating a guy instead. I found myself playing the part I thought I was supposed to play, and finding the attention vaguely affirming so carried on regardless of my own feelings. I didn't dislike them, but neither was I head over heels and I blamed myself for any lack of love I felt. Now I'm more or less at breaking up point with them, as I just feel disconnected and empty, and anything intimate just induces feeling of disappointment and regret, not closeness or anything resembling happiness. I have a lot of trouble having any sexual feelings towards them, and find myself getting angry because they seem to get so much more out of the relationship, even when I'm barely trying or just going through the motions of 'being a girlfriend'. I hate myself for being so weak and shallow that I try to please them, just so I can feel like I mean something to someone, even though it simultaneously confirms how little I feel towards them. I've always been more physically attracted to women, but more emotionally attracted to guys, so I feel stuck. I don't really know how to connect with women in any way other than on a superficial level - pleasantries and small talk. I find it much easier to have honest conversations with guys and build friendships with them, I even appreciate silly things like them being stronger and having that sense of comfort, but I have to admit that maybe I admire them more from a friend's perspective than a lover's. I don't know if my lack of sexual feeling towards my current partner is because I'm really gay or if I would feel the same with a woman and that really I'm asexual. I don't want to be asexual. I feel depressed about my lack of attraction and the fact that I don't 'work'. I keep hoping that it is as simple as just being with the wrong person, but I don't know. I'm also worried about pursuing the gay thing, because it seems like too much effort. I find it incredibly hard to meet any women, let alone any I would date, or who would date me - believe me, I've tried. I don't suppose anyone has any advice on what I should do? I'm in the middle of breaking up with the guy I'm seeing, and not sure if it's a good idea or not. It seems like I would feel less broken if I wasn't trying to force myself to continue with something that isn't working....? Regardless of the reason... But then, where would I go from there...and am I just supposed to be alone. I feel like I'm not even human, as if I'm dead inside. I don't know how to feel anything.
  18. Hi everyone, thanks for the replies. I'm no further ahead with this one. I'm snacking more and more on unhealthy foods and finding the motivation for self care impossible. I guess I'll have to ask the doctor again if I can change anti-d but regardless of the Mirtazapine I struggle with food :( There are no easy answers it seems...
  19. I've been progressively putting on weight due to feeling depressed and not having the motivation to eat healthy/snacking too much and it's making me feel really bad about myself. Most of my clothes now don't fit or cling in all the wrong places, and it's just sending my mood lower and lower. I don't know how to deal with my weight gain without taking it out on myself. I don't want to crash diet and I have a history of eating disorders so diets in general scare the life out of me. I know I'm using food to sedate myself but I can't stop. I feel out of control. No one I know seems to be able to help me...when they try to tell me to not have certain things it just makes me want them more, regardless of the consequences. I've also had my self-injuring behaviours taken away from me (in the sense that I feel I can no longer do it due to the hurt it has recently caused those around me) so I've fallen even deeper into my food behaviours (namely binge eating or overeating constantly). I don't know how to cope. Any advice from someone in a similar position would be great. I've also recently started Mirtazapine and taking the combined contraceptive pill which may have had an effect, although I can't tell personally, as I've always had bad cravings and used food in a harmful way. Any help out there? xx
  20. Not so good :/ Was up till 5am crying. Do you get on with your therapist then? It doesn't sound like it's very helpful for you... I don't know Skillet...I mainly listen to folk/punk or rock.
  21. Yeah, music is a big passion of mine. It's a shame when the depression can drain it of colour and meaning somewhat, but when you find the right song it can really bring you back. Do you have a favourite genre/band/artist? Glad to hear you're getting some therapy, but it can bring a lot of pressure and stress with it as well. Sounds like life's being a bit heavy for you now...feel free to bend my ear if it'll help any. I'm still white-knuckling it to some degree but getting by.
  22. *hugs* Just sent a long email to a friend I miss back home and am listening to music turned up on my headphones to tune out the outside. Currently feeling adequately distracted, although still restless and agitated. How are you today?
  23. Hi lp44, thanks for replying. I've got a flight booked back in a week but I don't think I can get on it. My social anxiety is feeling too much of burden right now, and coupled with my current state, I just don't want to be alone in scary situations for long periods of time. I don't know who to talk to about these things...I don't want to tell friends back home because they'll worry and that'll make me more stressed. I try to distract myself with the internet, watching tv, playing guitar...it doesn't always work. It's working less and less :( My main hobbies are music and photography, but I haven't been able to get out of the house to take any pictures. I could try and look locally for a private therapist but it may be expensive. Don't know if I can incur any more costs... Thanks again, I don't know how I'm going to manage all of this, but it helps to know someone else is listening. x
  24. Hi, thanks for your reply. I am entitled to medical care, but I haven't registered yet. Been putting it off because I haven't felt like leaving the flat....Really need to get on it tomorrow though if I can... I tried putting it off tonight, and ended up overeating to try and distract myself (bad coping mechanism, but going on the internet and watching things didn't work). Then ended up cutting anyway. I feel like a failure but I don't know what else to do. I know it works better than any other options I have right now.. I know I'm just trying to justify something unhealthy though, and don't mistake my excuses for anything but. I hope I get the cover sorted tomorrow. I just feel so awful...I have a constant sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction with everything. I keep searching for some way to fill the gap. I only want to feel some intensity of emotion...everything feels deflated and dull. I can't help thinking all they'll be able to do is give me meds though. I've never found one that worked for me - only made me more numb. Thanks for listening
  25. Hi, I was going to post this in the SI forum but you need a password and I wasn't sure how you went about getting that....There's probably an obvious pointer to it somewhere here, but I haven't really got the focus to find it. Also, there are other issues at play so I hope I don't bore you to tears and that someone will manage to read through all this. I'm really in need of support/advice/whatever you can offer. x Brief bit of background: Depression - 12 years, with social anxiety, self harm, occasional mania, and anorexia that has now turned into binge eating disorder for about the last 6 years. Ok, here goes. So, I was back on Citalopram for a short while, to medicate my ongoing depression and anxiety, but due to feeling numbed out by it - emotionally and physically, I tapered off. I've now been 'clean' for a month ish (?) but I'm left feeling just as bad as before, but with more tears. *may trigger* I've been self harming more (still on an infrequent basis, due to social constraints) and my thoughts have been consumed with SI urges, although I manage to resist most of the time. It worries me that my urges are getting more severe in nature and that I am resenting the controls I put on myself to keep it to a minimum and in places that are hidden. I also have an issue in that when I do harm myself, the person closest to me (the only one who knows of my current relapse) doesn't seem to view the wounds as that bad - which I know they aren't if you compare with any number of people, but also I take care that they only see them once I have put pressure on them enough to close them up to some degree and stop the flow. I feel like if they saw them straight after they would be more shocked or worried, but I don't want to feel as if I have to 'prove' how much of a mess I am. It fuels my desire to cut deeper, but I can't blame it all on them, because I want to regardless. I think because of their friendship groups/past relationships (we're both somewhat into counter-culture, punk, radical politics etc) they are used to depressive behaviour and I don't think it has the same impact or invokes the same worry that it would in a person who is more mainstream. Objectively, I feel ashamed of my behaviour, and I know that it is becoming more problematic in its motivations and nature, even if I don't want to accept this in the moments I feel dominated by urges. All I think about it how to get away with more. More cuts, deeper cuts, more obvious places etc. etc. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I have no one else to talk to about this. I am currently binge eating excessively as well, and putting on weight which is bringing up a lot of body hate, on top of my 'regular' depressive self hate. I'm also abroad at the moment, due to personal circumstances, not choice. This means I currently have no medical support, or support from friends and family (at least not beyond the occasional Skype call and I'm not being honest about my current state with them). I'm staying with my boyfriend and his housemate, and have no personal space to speak of, apart from when they are out at work. I'm not sure what I'm asking for here...just calling out for something.... x
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