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out_of_step

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  1. I've had depression for 15+ years now and it hasn't seemed to improve in that time, although there are times when it's been worse. I have no life at this point in time and I don't know how to start to get better. I rarely leave the house, I have next to no friends and I don't enjoy doing anything. I spend most of my time trying to distract myself until I can go to sleep again (generally with the internet, tv or drinking/food). Everyone I talk to seems to think that I just need to do more and I'd be happier, but I don't have the energy to even try. It feels like it would only be for other people's benefit anyway. I feel so bored with life and I used to be actively suicidal, but now I can't even be bothered to try that. I don't know how to get better. I've been going to therapy this year but it hasn't helped at all, if anything I've felt worse. I don't know what to do :(
  2. So I've been on fluoxetine for 2 weeks (have tried it before but this is my 3rd time) and it's already making me feel like i don't care about anything. I feel so lacking in motivation that I don't want to leave my flat or go anywhere. Does this generally get better on this med or is it just not right for me? Is there anything I can suggest to my psych that would help? Thanks in advance!
  3. I'm struggling to keep my eating in check at the moment. I think it's being fuelled by my depression (lethargy, boredom, low mood) and I don't know how to feel positive about eating in a healthier way, or putting some limits on my eating. Background: I used to restrict for the majority of my teen years, but lost all control towards the end and have had problems with binging and overeating since. Food is on my brain the majority of the time, even when I'm trying to avoid it or cut down. I know how to loose weight - I've put myself through it enough times, but I associate it with a lot of pain and so seem to be burying my head in the sand somewhat, and just letting myself carry on my unhealthy habits. I wish I could stick to a healthy diet, but I have no motivation and food is always there, taunting me. Sometimes it feels like all I have to numb out my dissatisfaction with life. I hate it... I feel so weak but what can I do? I berate myself enough for not being good enough. It never makes any difference... Does anyone else have the same problem? Any advice?
  4. I'm trying so hard to keep my depression symptoms in check but I don't know if I want to be well if I have to deal with so much boredom! Every day I get up the same time, have the same routine: cup of tea, breakfast, sit around on the computer, maybe try to go out if I need anything from the shops, lunch, dawdle around some more, maybe get a walk, watch tv, dinner, more tv, more tea, eventually forcing myself to bed. I can't stand it. I need some kind of project that I can apply myself to, but I never seem to feel like I have the energy or concentration, nor the will. I feel like I'm missing the essence of being human. That one thing that drives you forward, to achieve or to simply enjoy doing anything. People keep saying to me to try this, or that, or the other, but it all falls flat. I can't see the point. Every time I try to humour the well intentioned suggestions I never feel like I get anything out of it. I end up staying home all the time, aside from going to the shops or for a walk (which I only do to shake up the monotony). Every action feels empty. How am I supposed to feel again?!
  5. Thanks for your replies and support everyone x I'm not sure how to move forward with this particular issue right now. I'm just trying to concentrate on getting better/more stable health wise, and maybe the motivation will follow... I don't know. Will think about trying some of the suggestions, if I can. It's hard to break a lifetime habit though!
  6. I don't know if this is bpd related or not, but I have a lot of problems making and keeping friends which is bothering me right now. I flip constantly from needing company and, I guess, the validation that it brings (that I am an 'ok' person or 'likeable'), to hating everyone around me, feeling rejected and like it's not worth making the effort - I'm better off alone etc. I practically idolise other people's social skills and feel quite jealous of their ability to have others appreciation and care. Many times when I've reached out to people, I find that my efforts have either been ignored or I've been hurt by them in some way. I feel quite bitter about most of my past friendships and have few friendships left that have lasted longer than a couple of years. I feel like everyone is judging me all the time, so I rarely feel able to leave the house and when I do I make sure not to stand out from the crowd and keep my head down, don't interact with people around and so on. I don't know how to get over my paranoia, and I end up trapped in my isolating behaviours which 'protect' me. I can't even face starting a college course, volunteering or getting a job as other people cause me such anxiety. Even if people are being nice to my face, I think that they secretly hate me or are picking me apart in their head. It makes dating especially difficult and I've always been shy anyway. I feel sad that I never have the courage to speak to anyone that I fancy, and every person I've dated has been someone that I didn't feel that strongly about because they were the only people I had the confidence to talk to. I feel ashamed that I lie to people and pretend that I feel the same way as they do, all because I am too scared of losing them and not having anyone else. I always end up feeling like I've 'settled' with people, friends or partners, and end up resenting their company, even though they haven't done anything wrong, and I'm the horrible one. I feel like I've said too much, and it's so shameful, all of it. But I needed to get it out somewhere. I have nowhere else to go...
  7. I can definitely relate. I feel like my family just try to ignore my conditions for the most part, however bad I get. I've lost a lot of friends through my social anxiety and then from a particularly bad patch in my depression last year. People just don't seem to want to be around those who are having a hard time, or so it seems to me. There are a few people who have stuck by me no matter though, and those are the ones that matter most to me now. It hurts when people you thought cared about you turn out so willing to drop you the moment you show any unhappiness or distress that is beyond what they consider 'normal'. I wish it wasn't so.
  8. I've struggled with binge eating ever since my 'recovery' from anorexia nearly 10 years ago now. I know that I'm in a healthier state weight wise than I was and since I'm not (currently) overweight I should be happy enough, but my eating habits distress me greatly and stop me from going out, looking after myself, socialising and countless other things. My life revolves around food and trying not to eat it (and usually failing). Every day is a struggle not to go to bed in pain, and I am living in fear of every pound of weight gain. I'm constantly torn between the urge to starve myself again and the desire to just give up and give in when it comes to food. The trouble is, neither gives me any solace. No amount of food is enough, just as I know that no amount of control I put on food would satisfy my anorexic brain. I'm at a loss as to what to do. There is no support for people in a healthy weight range who have an eating disorder (at least not in my area). My binge eating has been a major driver in my depression and suicidal thoughts, as well as leading me to self harm on many occassions. I'm trying to get better and pull myself out of my depression but my eating keeps dragging me back. I feel lonely without it, but I hate it so much. I want to go back to when I felt more in control and something in me doesn't have the strength anymore. So I can only fail more and more. Can anyone give me any advice or comfort? Thanks in advance.
  9. Thanks both. I've been thinking of asking the dr to up my dose after a couple of weeks, just because I've always been on a fairly high dose when I've taken it before (30/40) so I know 10mg isn't going to be enough. I'm trying to be patient but I hope it will give me more energy like you say. I wish it wasn't such a wait to see if they work but oh well...
  10. *trigger warning* So I had a bit of a tough year last year with my depression, in that it got a little too dramatic and I was cycling up and down, with terrible lows and manic highs. I seem to have pulled myself through it all and although I am no longer actively suicidal I feel like I have no enjoyment in life at all. Everything bores me, I can't concentrate (or maybe just don't want to), I can't focus or complete any tasks because I just don't care. I feel ambivalent about surviving, not because I feel miserable, but because I feel nothing. I almost miss the lows I got to last year, purely because life felt exciting and meaningful, even as I was chucking it away. I very much romanticise how things were because for once I actually felt overwhelmed with emotion, whereas now I feel like I am actually dead inside - without trying to sound too trite. I have bpd and when I feel too 'normal' I feel bored but I don't really know what to do about it. I don't have any interest in doing anything anymore, not even anything self destructive (although I wish that I did because at least that would be something). I don't know if anyone else can share their thoughts with me? I feel so lost, like I'm just treading water. This isn't living :(
  11. I've recently started taking citalopram 10mg (on day 5 now) but unsure whether I'll get any benefit from it... When I've taken it before I have felt less depressed, in the sense that my feelings have been dulled, but part of why I wanted to go back on AD's this time was because of my flat mood.. I'm worried it's only going to get flatter. Has anyone found it helpful for lack of motivation/enjoyment, low energy, low mood, low concentration? I'm also a bit concerned about it causing weight gain, because I've started night eating since being on it due in part to insomnia. At the same time, it is ******* my appetite, I'm just eating out of boredom now. I don't really know what I expected from going back on this med, but I'm so frustrated with how I feel right now. Everything is dull and pointless. I can't even lose myself in a tv show or a book... I hope someone can give me some faith in this medication.
  12. I've recently started taking citalopram 10mg (on day 5 now) but unsure whether I'll get any benefit from it... When I've taken it before I have felt less depressed, in the sense that my feelings have been dulled, but part of why I wanted to go back on AD's this time was because of my flat mood.. I'm worried it's only going to get flatter. Has anyone found it helpful for lack of motivation/enjoyment, low energy, low mood, low concentration? I'm also a bit concerned about it causing weight gain, because I've started night eating since being on it due in part to insomnia. At the same time, it is ******* my appetite, I'm just eating out of boredom now. I don't really know what I expected from going back on this med, but I'm so frustrated with how I feel right now. Everything is dull and pointless. I can't even lose myself in a tv show or a book... I hope someone can give me some faith in this medication.
  13. Hi Fizzle, Thanks for your reply. I wasn't aware you could have BN without purging, I assumed that was the definition of BED (perhaps wrongly?). I shall have to research it a little. I'm currently trying to find a therapist or dietician but it's really difficult. There isn't much choice locally and I can't afford much. Do you have regular therapy? I have read 'Fat is a Feminist Issue', admittedly a long time ago. I also found 'Overcoming Overeating' quite a helpful book, but maybe more in theory than practice. I think the problem is so deep seated that it's hard to eradicate the fear, no matter how much I tell myself that I'm helping myself...
  14. Hiya, I'm glad that you feel you've moved such a way in your recovery :) It's so hard to change these behaviours and thought patterns. What do you think is the difference coming from a starting point of AN? Just interested on your point of view as I don't meet many who have come a similar pathway as me. Part of what stops me, to certain degree, from letting it take over is the fact that AN still scares the hell out of me. I will never forget how I felt during those years. It was not only a physical supression but a mental one that stopped all enjoyment... It truly is a black hole, as you say. I still get flashbacks and memories whenever I feel that hunger in the pit of my stomach and that ultimately is what drives me back to the cupboards...and then again. It's almost like I have AN based PTSD if that makes any sense. I genuinely believe if I hadn't had AN then I would not have BED now. And that hurts. Bad. I don't know if I feel strong enough to involve a dietician at this point. I mean, I would feel too ashamed to tell them the extent of my binges when they happen. I'm currently in the process of finding a new T since moving to a different area but will be discussing this with them. I know it's a dangerous path, but I just want rid of the BED so bad (and the excess weight) that I feel like I'm willing to do anything...
  15. I feel like I'm in a battle lately between my anorexic thoughts and my binge behaviours. I guess a big thing that drives binges is always the desire to lose weight anyway, but these thoughts seem even more potent lately. All I want with every fibre is to starve and restrict, and I am occasionally trying and even succeeding for a brief spell, but I always end up binging at the end of the day and ready to start the diet tomorrow. Ok, so classic BED thinking, but I'm starting to try and engineer my restriction to a greater degree and with more drive than before. I'm not so sure that in a month's time I'll be binging as much. I can see the seasons changing in my mind, and although for now the binges are winning I think that their days are numbered :( This is kinda unusual for me as I've been struggling mostly with binge eating for about five or six years (after being anorexic for four or five) but now I feel like I've had enough. I loathe food so much and I just want to lose weight. I've found myself trying to look up tips to make things easier and also skipping meals. Ok, so I'm a little out of practice but I'm starting to isolate more and more and I fear that if I keep on this road I'm soon going to be afraid of every bite again. I already feel guilty for every bite so I'm halfway there... Part of me wants to encourage and nurture this desire, because I'm fed up of feeling 'fat' and bloated, but another part is silently crying. I know there's only one place I'll end up if I do this right and I don't want to be there. Treatment. Meal plans. Forced eating. I couldn't deal with that. Not again... I remember being on the cusp of switching from anorexic behaviours to binge eating ones and being aware of what I was doing and doing it anyway, not thinking how quickly these things can become ingrained and controlling and dangerous. I don't want to be so stupid this time around and let more bad habits form, even if I prefer their result. I don't know how to be healthy, and I don't seem to want to be - which scares me more. I'm sorry to be negative and triggering but I need to talk to someone about this and I don't know who...
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