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enclear

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About enclear

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  1. I agree with Spiritual_Wanderer above, this is major manipulation from them. Because I grew up with similar manipulation, my comments will be colored heavily by that - they come from my experience only, not from any training. I am not a professional of any kind. They are using you to avoid taking responsibility for their own lives and circumstances and they will continue to do so until you're bled dry. Your disabled brother might be the exception, as he is disabled, but he should be able to receive disability benefits in that case. Your mom is using guilt on you to keep the status quo going - of you being responsible for everything - and that is WAY out of line and abusive because she is your mother. It's not your job to be everyone's mother, it's her job and she doesn't want it and sees you bringing in money and so she is maneuvering to make you the mother of everyone. Quitting her job because of cut hours is not a valid reason to quit a job the household depends on. Fewer hours is always better than no hours when you're trying to survive. She shouldn't be quitting any job unless she has another one ready to go. That's all obvious, but what isn't as obvious is that she and your non-disabled brother are doing this on purpose (if subconsciously) to keep you there, to keep things as they are. It's not an accident that your brother has all this spare time and is waiting for the "perfect" job. This is a dysfunctional and co-dependent, emotionally abusive type situation. Your instinct is to leave, in order for you yourself to survive. Leaving family to fend for themselves can be hard, but IMO you are not the mother and are not responsible for them. They are "making" you responsible for them, with your "permission." By permission I mean the guilt you feel to stay. They rely on that guilt to keep you there, hence the sob stories and crying and blame toward you for doing anything for yourself. They aren't seeing you as a person, with her own needs and life, but as a vehicle to get their own needs met. Anything you do for yourself is a threat to them getting their needs met, so they are going to resist and blame and sob and so forth at anything you do for yourself. They'll kick and scream and then get jobs because they have to when you're gone, and blame and throw guilt on you the whole way. Someday they'll "forgive" you, or maybe they won't, but that's their problem not yours, because it's not a real problem, but one they created. Your gut instinct is already saying this situation and what they're doing is wrong and intolerable - you've said it and feel it and already know what you need to do. What you're looking for here is the courage to follow your instinct and leave a dysfunctional dynamic that is getting worse for you. It's the courage all abused seek in order to overcome their guilt and leave. Good luck gathering that courage.
  2. I'm 33 and never had a real relationship/girlfriend, but not for lack of interest or trying. That's about all I have tried to do since my teens, and it never works. That's one of the biggest reasons i'm in therapy, aside from lifelong depression itself, because it's what feels the most painful. I can't say I've ever felt used to being alone. Loneliness never gets easier for me; it's just as painful today as it was at 15. I'm no better off now than I was back then. I should have been in therapy then, but family let me rot with it in a room for 12 years before i had a chance to get out and get help. I'm getting help now but it feels so far away, the "place" of being better enough to have a healthy normal relationship and partner with someone. If I weren't in therapy I would have no hope of changing these things, because I spent my entire 20's trying to and didn't change an inch of it. If you feel there is something about yourself, your personality or identity or feelings, that is keeping you from entering relationships, there probably is and it needs professional help of a therapist to sort out. These things don't sort themselves out because they are deeply ingrained and thus "hidden" in a sense. A good therapist will hold up a 'mirror' so you can see it, first of all, and then work through changing it.
  3. Hi. No he is licensed counselor (his degree says Masters of Counseling or somesuch) at an agency that deals a lot with addictions and such, and thus offer individual and group therapy. The agency policy is to take into account and respect the religious or cultural needs of the client/patient. I have none to account for, and stated this at my intake (conducted by my current therapist). I guess having none means they are inclined to suggest adopting some, though I think that is just my therapist and not company therapeutic policy. It is frustrating indeed, because it is not helping and wastes my session time. I see him again tomorrow and will tell him all of this. If "get spiritual" is all he's got then it is time to find another therapist who can help me.
  4. All good points that align with how I feel about it. I already told him before that I can't adopt beliefs to change how I think and feel because I can see myself doing it and it's not real to me and that's why spirituality and religion are not for me. Your last sentence is my main problem with it too. It's a one-way 'relationship', spirituality/religion, and that doesn't suit me. If it/he/she is there as a higher power, with the power to help solve my problems, then I need it to be a two-way street of communication. That's why faith doesn't work for me.
  5. I'm going to bring all of this up tomorrow when I see him again. It's really bugging me that half of the last 3 (of hour-long) sessions have been about spirituality when I said at my intake that I had no religious or other beliefs that need to be brought into my therapy, and that it is a subject that doesn't seem to concern me. Right now I am concerned with the most basic of survival, on the scale of human needs, and the hierarchy puts spirituality LAST, after all other human needs are met. I'm going to tell him flat out that I don't want to discuss spirituality topics anymore in my sessions, that I feel it is a waste of my time right now where I am. I just don't have room to debate or wonder how the universe came to be. I don't need that answered right now; right now I need to know where my rent is coming from and whether my meds are ever going to start working because I feel I'm getting worse since I've been thinking about suicide again daily for the past few weeks. Maybe he's just trying to abort that rapid decline by reaching for whatever sticks, but obviously the spirituality stuff isn't sticking and meanwhile I keep sliding.
  6. In my intake interview I did state that I had no religious or spiritual needs to be considered/included in the course of therapy. Other than this spirituality thing, he's a great therapist, really gung-ho on helping me but is having trouble doing so. We were making progress up until I found out about my back problems (that it may not be fixable because of my weight) and on the same day losing medical coverage this coming fall. I became suicidal again and the things we were previously working on just fell flat, so I'm wondering if he's just reaching for something to prop me up with in the meantime to re-stabilize me. He's not suggesting or recommending religion, at least not at this point. He just wants me to think about spirituality, what it means, and go looking for it, read a book, or whatever. So I picked up "How To See Yourself As You Really Are" by the Dalai Lama. It should suffice as my "homework" to look into spirituality. It'll have to do, because I'm not one to adopt a belief system arbitrarily just to have one. I just don't see the point in that, it doesn't seem "true" to me to just fill in the blanks with something others accept as true but have no means of testing. Again, I don't mean to offend anyone of faith here, I only speak for myself and my own beliefs or lack thereof and want to know how others deal with this topic with their therapists.
  7. Those who are not religious nor "spiritual" nor "of faith" - do such topics brought up on your therapy sessions make you uncomfortable? My therapist is insisting that he is not talking about my needing a religion specifically, but he stresses that part of recovery is having a spirituality, and that all people are religious even if they do not adopt/believe what organized religions put forth as truth. I'm trying not to resist what he's talking about, but I can't help but be confused by the subject. For me there is no difference between believing in God and believing in Santa Claus (please do not take offense to this, I do not say this as an attack on YOUR faith in God, just communicating my own perspective of it here). I am just having trouble understanding the point of spirituality in the way he is talking about it being a part of recovery from depression. I understand it is a part of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, but I am way down on the bottom where my daily concerns are for food and shelter. I rely on others to pay my rent right now, being unable to work and applying for disability for both severe emotional and physical problems. The last thing on my mind is how the universe was created or happened. I am indeed intellectual and philosophical in thought - I am fully capable of reasoning and discussing such things intellectually - but I don't understand why he's making such a big deal of that stuff right now while I'm most concerned with the most basic of survival needs right now. I'm just wondering if sometimes his own personal faith and religious leanings may be influencing his methods with me. I would consider that inappropriate if he said I needed religion and started talking about his church/beleifs/etc, but he hasn't done any of that. For the last 3 sessions he has commented that he "loses me" when he starts in on the spirituality discussion and my needing it. I just don't understand it, it doesn't appeal to me emotionally and my brain takes it as an intellectual exercise. What are your experiences in this area? Does this come up in your therapy sessions?
  8. I recently read an article about dating and social networking and all that. The article interviewed various types of people for perspective. One interviewee was a young woman, mid-20's or so, who said that when she meets a guy she checks out his Facebook before anything else, to see how many FB friends he has. She said "Any man with less than 100 Facebook friends is a loser I wouldn't date!" That's a pretty rigid judgement considering studies indicate that most FB "friends" aren't really friends at all and are not an active contact in a person's life. Many are there only because of games (the shared prizes/awards/etc from things like Farmville).
  9. I don't actively participate in FB anymore no, just piddle here and there, maybe add some likes to movies and music i enjoyed recently but that's about it. If I were to remove those who never say anything to me on FB, I'd have only 1-2 FB friends, one of which died recently and neither of which I've ever met in person. So if I did that cleaning-house of "friends" I'd have you beat on FB friendlessness heh. I may do that, and see who notices. I'm guessing maybe 2 will notice eventually.
  10. Yeah I experience this too, and have struggled with whether I am imagining it or if people really don't like me. I don't have any real normal healthy friendships right now, and never a real/normal romantic relationship. Always quiet socially when around a group. I remember seeing someone working at a bookstore I had a college class with. We never spoke until that day in the bookstore. She said she wouldn't have guessed I'd be reading about Leonardo Da Vinci, and from there the conversation went into her saying she misjudged me by thinking I would be "mean," because I never talked to anyone from class, never smiled, etc. So some of it IS partly their perceptions of our behavior and personality, as well as body-language and other cues. A quiet person leaves much to assumption because they don't fill in the void of information we all seek to fill when sizing up someone's character and personality (and potential for threat). They could think anything about you, and it's all based on their assumptions moderated only by their biases and past experience. Most people tend to think I'm unpleasant and "mean" and keep their distance from me until I talk to them. But even when they get to know me some, they still keep a distance because of my mood and emotional state and hiding from them gives them a sense of "something's not right with him, better keep my guard up" kind of feeling intuitively. I don't actively think all people are evil and are going to hurt me in some way, but I act that way emotionally. In school, I felt actively hated by kids and teachers alike. Most of my teachers taught my older brothers, who were borderline sociopathic and violent on top of uncooperative and disruptive. My teachers had the look of cursing in their eyes when they saw my last name, and for the first half of the year they treated me with that disdain and contempt, after which they began to see that while I was disturbed emotionally and had problems with my school work, I wasn't like my brothers. Kids either bullied me, or made fun of me. Until I was in high school I never had a real friend, which I define as someone who is at all times friendly and respectful of my feelings and friendship. All my "friends" made fun of me with others, I was the fat kid so most jokes were at my expense and that seemed to be why they tolerated me tagging along. Through Junior High those same "friends" got even meaner, adding their own angst to the mix of things socially. They'd come over to my house on my birthday, eat pizza and sleep over, then the next monday try to embarrass me in front of the girls to make themselves look better, betraying to everyone in the courtyard things I confided in private. This is pretty much how my whole childhood went. Between this at school and abuse and severe neglect at home, I was totally alone and depressed and had PTSD-level anxiety and panic attacks by 10 years old. I'd go to school daily in Junior High and throw up every morning from the social anxiety. I never once felt at functional ease in school, not a single day in all the years between Kindergarten and dropping out in 10th grade (to take GED). I'm still angry at those kids and hurting from what they did to me, even though we are all adults today. That part of me is still a child inside emotionally and has never grown up and beyond those childhood traumas. I've got about a dozen "friends" on my Facebook, probably fewer than anyone else on the planet with a FB profile. A few of them are people I went to school with who never bullied or made fun of me but still weren't really *friends*. I don't know why they added me though, they never say anything and never comment on even bad news like my MRI reports showing I may never be able to work again. Not a single person said anything to that. It's things like this that make me feel like nobody in the world really likes me, that I'm unlikeable - and my dysfunctional experience with relationships (including parental abuse/neglect) makes me feel like I'm unlovable. My experience, itself, reinforces this belief and feeling. It's "logical" that, since I've never been loved and have never been in love (for real) with someone with warmth and affection and care, and that human beings universally need to love and feel loved, then it "follows" that it means I am not a human being, nor lovable.
  11. My therapist is the first one I've ever been to and he jumps right in, and also did my initial intake at the agency and volunteered to be my therapist rather than leave it to assignment. We kind of clicked during the intake and he said he's helped a lot of people just like me specifically. I was surprised to hear of "a lot," always feeling like I was a lone freak of nature. He's never short of words and does most of the talking (though he says I'll be talking more than him later on as things progress). He usually starts, as we're sitting down, with some variation of "How's it going?" On really bad weeks though he can read me at first sight. He's very perceptive of minute clues and has a good memory. I can't hide my emotional state very well so it gives him a lot of promptings. Only once has he tried out going silent and said I needed to talk about whatever I needed or wanted to. I froze up and my mind went blank for the rest of the session. He likes to make jokes and do monologues, partly because he's humorous by nature but also I think he's measuring where my mood really is compared to what I'm saying (I'm very self-deceptive about my Self, so he has to do a lot of challenging of perceptions and that takes up most our time). Sometimes I laugh, and those are the days I'm receptive to challenge (intellectually anyway), but other times I can't even tell there's a joke going on and those are the days nothing gets through, like our last session when I became suicidal after two huge bad-news (MRI reports and losing medical coverage later) hit me. He tried everything under the sun to get through it but I couldn't stop the forcefulness of the emotional pain and was bawling. He had to call Crisis and get me into a tx center that day. I felt like I let him down and that he wouldn't want to see me anymore, especially since our appt. for today didn't get into the system and that triggered my rejection sensitivity bigtime. But then today he called and apologized for that mixup and rescheduled and assured me he looked forward to our next session. I guess I'm lucky in that he's patient with me even while demanding that work be done every session. He's very enthusiastic for my recovery and gung ho about helping me. He won't let me get away with BS-ing him, or "getting in the box" with him as he puts it. We haven't talked much about my childhood but he seems to already know a lot about what happened to me, which makes me feel more at ease and trusting. Looks like I've rambled past the topic of this thread, so I'll end here. Usually I don't talk to anyone, online or offline, but the therapy I think is opening up some things that want to breathe.
  12. For many, changing brands is as unsettling as changing or starting meds for the first time. Everyone reacts differently to the 'inert' fillers in the pills and find that, for whatever reason, the brand they first started on is the only one that works. When I first started Wellbutrin, it took 3.5 weeks just to *start* noticing a reduction in side-effects. I started on Watson brand, and at first they were ok but never really stabilized. Then after a few months i felt really bad again, and the pills stunk, so I talked to my doc when I found that Walmart carried a discounted brand of it. For me it works much better than the brand I started on. If you feel depression spiraling out of control definitely talk to your doctor and/or pharmacist. Personally I would give it 1-2 more weeks if I could tolerate it, but that's me.
  13. Walmart has the generic Wellbutrin 150mg SR tabs, 60-count/30-day supply, for $27 a month. If you take 150mg/day, your cost will be $13.50/month. If you were on brand Wellbutrin and switching to a generic, you'll likely be going through some "Startup" side-effects all over again, which is counter-intuitive to someone who has been on Wellbutrin for ages. Many people experience some side-effects from changing med manufacturers, even when the active ingredient is exactly the same. Manufacturer's use different fillers/binders and release mechanisms, which is probably what accounts for the differing experiences on generics. Some people may have an allergy to a binder one generic manufacturer uses, but is perfectly fine with a generic from a different manufacturer. If Wellbutrin works for you, it's worth giving the cheaper generic a try, but give it a few weeks before deciding the generic doesn't work for you - that should be enough time to let your body fully adjust to the new chemistry and release mechanism of that generic pill.
  14. In January I started taking bupropion and within 6 weeks my depression was very well treated, but something else was still hanging over me and kept me from going back to work or leaving the house. I figured out it was an Avoidant flavor of anxiety and talked to the doc about adding prozac as I read it plays well with wellbutrin. After a couple weeks of hell and an INCREASE of anxiety, and then two more weeks of uncertainty, I went back to the doc and he said I looked like a new man. Went back to work and all with no anxiety whatsoever. No experience with Buspar, but prozac with wellbutrin is a great combo for me, very activating (my depression was the sleep-15-hours-a-day type) and calming of anxiety once the initial adjustment period is over (didn't pass too soon either.. startup on both was really bad for me but I hung in there). Speaking as a male, wellbutrin didn't have much effect on my libido either way. After prozac was added I have urges less often,but I'm still normally responsive/reactive/functional in every way, with the added benefit of delaying/controlling orgasm. Generally speaking, the wellbutrin counters the negative sexual side-effects of the SSRI, or at least a good deal of it. At 200mg of wellbutrin and 20mg of prozac, reaching orgasm was difficult, but returned to normal when my dose was raised to 300mg/day.
  15. Hi Bogie, the Actavis brand is still working great for me - when I remember to take my doses on time. I'm bad about that, taking the morning dose late and the evening dose early. After a week or two of that, I start feeling like the meds are not working, but then I realize that I'm going 17-18 hours between doses sometimes and the blood levels of the meds are inconsistent. I start feeling better again though once I get back on schedule.
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