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anon22ae

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    anon22ae reacted to MaepleSyrup for a blog entry, Such a blur   
    It’s honestly amazing how fast this year has passed. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that I’ve been here for over a year.
    A lot has changed and yet the same things still weigh me down here and there. Progress is still meant to made, but even then I struggle to accomplish that sometimes.
    I’ve been feeling so lonely lately. Not like the need to be in a relationship with someone, but a close friend to spend time with outside of here. A friend that I could buy gifts for and go on shopping sprees with. To stay up all night with and have fun. A mutual bond with someone.
    I don’t know. I guess the main reason why I came here was because I was alone. Or lonely, rather. The feeling is still there when I leave this community but I’ve been doing a lot better since my first post.
     
    I guess I finally came to a realization that I want to mean something to someone. Not just by a daughter or a sister, but rather a good friend. A best friend even. In the real world, I want to matter to at least one person.
    Just a shame it’s so hard to connect with people.
  2. Like
    anon22ae reacted to MaepleSyrup for a blog entry, Improvement   
    Things have been getting better. I haven't been feeling down as much lately and I'm actually getting plans straightened out for both work and career wise. There's still things that make me worry and stress quite a bit, but I've been doing what I can to keep my mind busy. I need to find new alternatives to not let my intrusive thoughts get to me so much, though I'm sure I'll find plenty through the forums and looking them up.
    One of my trigger days is coming up and I'm really dreading it. I feel stressed the more the day grows near. Though surely, I'll have plans to keep me from thinking about too much. If I don't, I guess I'll have to book the day for something I can do
    Ive had limited time for drawing and other sorts of deals, but they'll be done soon. The weather has been improving quite a bit, though I sure hope more rainstorms come near. They seem to help the most, compared to sunny days
    I hope the rest of the forums have been doing better. I know some folks have a hard time with Mother's Day-- but I hope some comfort or peace is with them that day. Some days are really tough for us all. I know one of my tough ones is coming up, though I need to something to cope with in the mean time
    I wish the best for you all
  3. Like
    anon22ae reacted to Atra for a blog entry, Fifth Ketamine Infusion – 7/18/2017, 69mg, 1:45pm Part 2   
    Tactile distortion
    At some point at the beginning of the dissociative experience I became distracted by a sensation on my cheek which my brain translated as an itch. My mind returned to my body so that I could lift my right hand to my face and scratch it. My arm seemed to move very slowly and it felt like I didn't have full articulation in either my elbow or wrist. To make this strange state even weirder, my mind told me that my arm from shoulder to hand was made of inflexible blocks of wood. When I touch my cheek to scratch, my fingers and cheek had the texture and firmness of wood. As with previous distortions and hallucinations, I accepted this by thinking, as a matter of interest, that becoming a piece of wood might be a unique perspective.
    Using my breaths to guide mind back into my body, I noticed the music playing through my earbuds. My breathing was gentle and my pulse a steady pounding that I both heard and felt. 
    I spent some time trying to evoke that uncomfortable “twang” feeling in an attempt to explore it but was unable to.
    Mental Imagery – My Inner Self
    With mind and body back together, I felt like I ought to try and get some therapeutic work done through self-exploration by traveling deep within myself. A simple representation of a door appeared before me and I moved towards it. As I reached the door, it opened revealing a hatch and then another portal after that, hundreds of layers represented by different types of portals flung open until finally I reached what might have been a representation of my innermost self. It's closed and was covered by an object. I felt a sort of warning, a sense of caution that arrests my forward movement. I tried to peer around the perimeter but the object covering it sprouted wings that shielded all four edges of the portal. I felt I could transgress this barrier but then a very clear voice inside me said, “Don't”. 
    That warning sounded firm and final and I will confide, it caused me to completely chicken out! Bok bok B'gok! 
    Take-Aways
    The wooden god dissociative experience makes me wonder if the Ketamine stimulated the part of the brain which under imaging, shows activity during a religious experience. In retrospect it doesn't seem as much of a religious experience as a near-death one. I didn't receive any great news for us all or a message from dead loved ones or some insights about the infinite known to cultures around the world as That Which Is. No prophecies, either. So if it was a religious experience, I would rate as a pretty poor one in comparison to other experiences of my own and those told to me. 
    That threshold I came upon where I had a choice to remain or quit being connected to everyone definitely felt like a very real choice to live or die. I choose to regard my decision as an affirmation of my desire to live in spite of the struggles and difficulties of living with mental illness. Similar to suicidal ideation, it's a sort of comfort to have the choice. I wonder what it'd be like if I opted to remain.
    The memory of feeling every type of fear in everyone remains but it has faded. I wish I had named all the fears I felt, it might've been useful to bring up in analysis. As a concept, everyone can understand that there's fear in every animal and person but it's quite another thing to have been in a state where one fancies one can feel it all. Sometimes, I'll call upon this memory when I'm in some group of people feeling anxious, self-conscious and insecure to remind myself that everyone in attendance is feeling at least a little fearful about something and this understanding assures and soothes me. 
    Regarding the deep introspection I sought through the portals, I have so many questions. Why was I afraid to continue, what was that voice telling me not to? Would there have been yet another door beyond what I thought was the final portal? (Years of therapy has shown me that every time I think I've come upon the final level of all my basement floors, there's yet another right below it. Always another issue beneath the one I thought was the most telling. Ha.) Is there always a “something” covering something else and is that the very definition of personal safety? Is what I perceive as covering my innermost core shielding me from harm or from scrutiny? Discussing this in therapy, I realized that in addition to wariness and fear I also felt vulnerable confronting that last layer. I'm unsure if that feeling was a genuine reaction to my introspection or due to a general feeling of vulnerability one has while conscious under anesthetic. 
    Post-infusion
    Outlier vitals reading: 103/68
    I spoke with the doctor and his colleague about what I remembered of the experience, noting that the bump in dosage seemed to make a difference. I also met with a clinical psychologist whose practice includes Ketamine assisted psychotherapy. She was keen to know about the music I chose and it's effects on the Ketamine experience. I felt lucid and cognizant during our conversation.
     
    In the next entry, I'll detail the sixth and final infusion of the initial protocol I received back in 2017. 
     
  4. Sad
    anon22ae reacted to MaepleSyrup for a blog entry, Lately.   
    How do I put this?
    Things come and go left and right. It's been like this for months now, especially with work and family matters. People quit or choose not to do their part and it screws everybody over. Family events, surgeries, etc. Yknow, all the fun things.
    I can't get over how my bonds with people have been changing. I'll start talking to a group of people in real life, and once I find that we don't necessarily work well together, I avoid them to the point where they hardly see me. I've left people before without a word, even without a specific reason. Sometimes I feel like karma has caught up to me, since there have been people who I was really close to seemingly leave and I end up not seeing them for a long time. There's still people who I really cared about that I haven't seen in months. And yet, I have not heard a word from them. I worry. And I stress endlessly.
    On top of that, dealing with people on personal circumstances (so not through work/coworkers) is a difficult thing for me. Even trying to cut ties with a friendship is difficult. Thus, I play along and dish out the excuses. Excuses I so irritabley hate just so I can't see them.
    But once I get here, it's a whole different story. I don't know if it's sad for the fact I bond better with people from different sides of a screen than face to face. Though, making eye contact with people is something I have never been able to do. Sometimes I stutter when I talk because my anxiety will kick in, and I end up just sounding plain stupid. Keeping up a conversation is challenging in itself.
    Social anxiety I tell you. It's gotten much better over the years though.
     
    Ah, enough about socializing.
    I will say that my back has been giving me problems off and on. It's never been great to begin with, and I'm already at a high risk of back problems since it seems to run in my family (though I can't go to a doctor to get it looked at because I just can't trust them). I still push myself to lift heavy bags of litter and trash at work- while I may not feel a thing, I'm sure my back feels every pound. I don't know when the breaking point will be in the future, and I don't know if there's anything else that's going on (possible scoliosis), but I sure as hell cant find out anytime soon. It probably doesn't help for the fact my back never has constant support-- so even after sitting and slouching, it will give it a good pop within five minutes once I sit up straight. Hell, even I feel short of breath at times for no reason.
    Lightheadness is something I keep experiencing too. Despite the fact I drink plenty of water-- but the only thing I get is dehydration when I looked at what it's a symptom of. I went on a bad habit for about a year on drinking nearly a gallon of water a day. Maybe my body is used to a higher amount? I don't know. But if that's the case, then I guess it'll have to deal with not getting that excessive amount constantly.
    These are things I can't find the best solutions for. I'm not sure what I could do to fix these problems. Whatever the case, I hope everything turns out good in the end. It would be nice to know I was stressing over nothing.
     
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