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skblue

Senior Member
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About skblue

  • Rank
    Senior Member
  • Birthday 06/28/1975

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Northeast US
  • Interests
    Travelling, anything to do with the ocean, reading sci-fi/fantasy/romance/psychology/sociology, dancing

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  1. A coping strategy (sort of).

    I don't know that it's positivity, exactly, just giving a brief acknowledgement that my brain is having this thought without giving it more focus or weight than it's worth. Like you might with a grandparent who tells you to take a sweater when it's 80 degrees out - they're coming from a good place and it's not something to push back on but it's also not useful advice. The book is called the Happiness Trap. I don't know if there's a PDF of it, but you could probably find an e-book version on Amazon.
  2. fantasizing about having a physical illness

    I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that at all!! I definitely understand where you're coming from, I was just thinking more about how so many people suck in general when someone is isn't "normal". And wanted to recommend the website because I've found a lot of the articles there helpful, from people going through all kinds of health problems.
  3. I feel like I'm not going to say any of this clearly, so I apologize in advance... reading your posts, it sounds like you're struggling with two related issues. The first being him commenting in a way that makes you uncomfortable/upset and the second being you struggling with being/feeling compared to other women. I think asking him to stop commenting on actresses in the way he was is totally reasonable. I wouldn't say it's censoring him, just giving a reasonable boundary that those types of comments hurt you and since there's no need for him to make them it's not hardship for him to stop. Just because you're in a relationship and he's comfortable doesn't mean he has to vocalize every thought that goes through his head. But with the second part, I think maybe there is some work that you need to do to deal with your own insecurities and anxiety and it isn't fair to have him be responsible for managing that for you. I say that because it seems like his comments on the actresses are pretty clearly just about their physical beauty, whereas I could easily see the comments on the art being more about appreciating the art itself instead of more like him objectifying the subjects of the art. I don't know if that make sense, but I guess to me it would make a difference exactly what he was saying about the art and how he was saying it.
  4. I'm sorry that happened, it sounds like a really hurtful, confusing situation. There were a couple of things in your post that worried me: that he was first most concerned with you forgiving him, not with understanding how what he said & did upset you, and you asking how to make him more comfortable, which in my view isn't necessarily your responsibility. Sure, in any relationship people are going to want to make the other person comfortable, but I worry that you are doing this at your own expense and when he's not making an equal effort to make you comfortable. I wish I had advice on how to handle it, but I do want to give a recommendation on another place you might want to look for support - The Captain Awkward blog (advice column) and the Friends of Captain Awkward forums. I think you could get a lot of really good advice and scripts for how to talk to him from the blog archives & comments, and the "I Need Help" thread on the forums. There are many people over there who have experienced similar things to you and who have a lot of wisdom to share on how to learn good communication skills in relationships (which I think few of us have, especially when there's trauma/abuse in the past and self-protection had to take priority). Good luck and hugs if you want them!
  5. A coping strategy (sort of).

    This sounds very similar to something I've been learning about in a book I'm reading that's based on Acceptance and Commitment Theory. Basically, this therapy tries to help people from becoming "fused" with their thoughts. One way that a lot of people with depression and anxiety do this is by believing every thought we have is true (I know I do this so much!), so there are techniques for helping to accept that the thought is there, but then dismiss it as not true and/or not worthy of consideration. I don't know that I could make myself believe that it was some outside person telling me those things, but whatever works for you. I've had most success for myself with just saying 'thanks brain', like I would to anyone who gave me advice that is obviously stupid and not worth listening to.
  6. Ruined my career and maybe my family

    I agree with LF that 3 years at each job isn't bad; actually I'd say that it's very normal and expected these days. In my last job I was a career coach, so I read and follow a lot of research and advice on career trends (in the U.S.) - many seem to say that it's a negative to stay in the same job for more than 2 or 3 years, without any sort of promotion or title change.
  7. fantasizing about having a physical illness

    I've felt the same, and also wished that there were at least some definitive blood test or something that diagnoses depression or other mental illnesses, so I could point to that and say "See, it's real". But at the same time, I know that people *aren't* necessarily more understanding and supportive of physical illnesses, especially chronic and/or disabiling ones. Or if people are 'supportive' of a physical illness or disability, a lot of times they can be condescendingly supportive, which is problematic in a different way. There's a great website, The Mighty, that publishes articles about and by people who have serious health problems.
  8. I don't know that I've been bullied at work, exactly, but there have been plenty of jobs where I've been walked on a bit or handled things in a bad/unproductive way. While things weren't perfect at my most recent job, I feel like I was able to deal with any problems better because I've learned more about how to stand up for myself, but not necessarily to be confrontational about it, if that makes sense. I think most of what I've learned has come from the Ask A Manager advice blog - I highly recommend it!
  9. Good Pets for Depression?

    But then they might try to take over the world! (Sorry, couldn't resist the Pinky & the Brain reference )
  10. Good Pets for Depression?

    If you're in the U.S., you could talk to a doctor/therapist about prescribing you an emotional support animal (ESA). ESAs aren't allowed to go everywhere in public like a service dog, but through the American's with Disabilities Act (ADA), they should be allowed in any housing as they're considered a reasonable accommodation. So even if your apartment doesn't allow cats or dogs, if a doctor says one would help you with your depression, your apartment can't really say no. They'd have to prove that it would be an unreasonable burden for them to not allow it. I started looking into this before I lost my health insurance, trying to find the right person to write a letter for me. Hopefully I'll be able to follow through with it once my new insurance kicks in.
  11. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    How do I feel right now? Like I'm flying a plane that was crashing, but after a lot of work I was able to get to level out... and I was really enjoying the relief that knowing I wasn't going to crash into the ground brought and starting to look forward to where I want to go now, with a full tank of gas, many possibilities.... Only to realize that suddenly there's a mountain dead ahead and I don't know if I have the time or the strength to swerve or pull myself up more.
  12. Find some new friends (new family might be more difficult)? Sorry, I know that's not helpful, but really.... I also have ADD and know what you mean about medication. I've tried a couple for that, but they never worked for me. I never had a bad withdrawal, but I've heard the daily crash for those who experience it can be awful. The only thing I can seriously suggest is maybe talking to a couple of people that you're closest to and asking for specific behaviors that make them not want to be around you when you're not on medication. And then seeing if you can work with a therapist or coach to try to curb or adjust those specific behaviors? Not to the point that you're changing yourself, but finding ways to compromise so that they know you're making an effort? And if you haven't already, check out the ADDForums website! It's similar to this, but, well, specifically for those with ADD. I bet if you posted this over there, you'd get some good advice. And like here, they have separate forums for the main ADD medications, so someone might have advice on dealing with the withdrawal.
  13. There's nothing for you to apologize for - you didn't write it! And it was interesting to hear it from a doctor's perspective. He probably did mean it in that way, and I get that, it just seemed to me like he could also do a little more work on his own attitude of, "I'm a doctor, so I'm more important than you, no matter what".
  14. Interesting article, but the first two in the list of advice on dealing with doctors he gives (don't come on too strong and show respect) *really* P***** me off. Few doctors want to be greeted with the fact that a patient doesn't see them as a god (but you can ease into it)? Too freaking bad! I think instead he should be writing for all doctors and medical school faculty to talk about how to stop medical students and doctors from starting to think they're god-like in the first place, and to really learn how to see their patients as whole people who have something to contribute to their own healthcare, whether they have a chronic illness or not. And "show respect"??? Seriously??? Of course, both patient and doctor should be respectful of each other, but demanding that a patient "show respect" is over and above that. I can't even think of how to describe why that is so wrong, the phrase made me too angry. The rest are some interesting points, and I think some of it has to do more with the difficulties with healthcare systems in many places than doctor/patient relationships. Like not coming into an appointment after a long absence with a long list of things to talk about - yes, I can see where that would be a problem because appointment slots are limited, but at the same time, sometimes it's impossible to get appointments so there's no choice about the long absence. Or sticking with only a main primary care doctor and a few specialists and building relationships with your doctors over years - in some healthcare systems, you have to see whoever is available, there's no option to stay with the same doctor all the time.
  15. Oh, one more thing, though - if you do go to the clinic, I wouldn't lead with the idea that you think you should take time off of work. I think that's where I went wrong. Instead, I should have described my symptoms and how they were interfering with all parts of my life and how work was making them worse, especially my physical reactions to being at work or thinking of going to work (uncontrollable sobbing, shaking, sweating, shortness of breath, etc.) And good luck! I hope it works out for you and you're able to take the time you need to get better!