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Everything posted by Phoenix1

  1. My depression/anxiety issues tell me I don't need medication, it won't work, the side effects will be too much...which is absurd considering how life limiting depression and anxiety are..talk about side effects: poor sleep, over eating, consuming alcohol to relax, irritability, crying jags..the list goes on. I have been on medication in the past with success..I need to be on it now..but I resist..is it a shame factor? Pride? I have no idea..it's almost like the depression tells people they deserve to be in pain. Not making sense but good for you for taking the medication even though the damn disease it trying to convince you otherwise. You should be proud of yourself, you are able to show people that medication works and life can be livable. No shame in that.
  2. He is telling you the truth as far as it not being about you or his feelings for you..antidepressants as well as other medications can and often do effect the libido. That is one of the reasons some decide to go off of them because of the sexual side effects..what you need to think about is the big picture - his ability to cope, live life, function off of the medication that seems to have helped him a great deal. When one is depressed, anxious, angry, etc interest in sex is also diminished or non-existent. It's a catch 22 of sorts. His libido should return once off the medication but unfortunately the other issues he was experience are likely too resurface as well. You are right in that you would not be able to understand as you have not walked the road he is on so your are not being selfish.. you just don't understand how the medications work/can effect people and are actually being proactive in trying to learn. There are also other medications that have less sexual side effects so switching to something else may be helpful and allow balance for both him and you. Effexor is one that seems to have less of an impact on libido/ability to engage in sexual activity. He may want to speak to his doctor about changing medications.
  3. It never occurred to me CoolCat7 to shift my focus to just finding peace. It never occurred to me there would be a middle ground to this..whatever it is. I took your suggestion and ordered the book. I also purchase another one entitled Resisting Happiness by Matthew Kelly. I also attended Mass this morning...something I have not done in..forever..it's not that I am a devote..anything..but I do like the peacefulness of a church. I also made the decision to take the more challenging of two job offers that have come my way..the one that would be easier would end up in the long run I think making my lack of motivation much worse..that is not something I can afford to risk right now - financially or otherwise. Here's to another throwing of the lasso, hoping to rope something more than what has been for far too long.
  4. Like many on here, I struggle with severe depression and anxiety..mine worsened as time went on and personal losses stacked up. Poor decision making born out of grief, depression, anxiety and low self esteem further added to the hole in which I found myself and continue to find myself. A thought occurred to me recently..when death nor happiness are options..what options are there? Existence is all I could think of because that is all I feel like 99.9% of the time, like I'm just..here..there is either overwhelming sadness, debilitating anxiety, irritability and/or anger..but never, and I mean never, a sense of happiness. I can't recall the last time I left happy, joyful, content..even "ok" - so again, when death is not an option and happiness is no where to be found..what then?
  5. I understand about feeling broken 10 years later...I too went through a divorce in 2005..something I never thought I would experience as I was sure, like you, my marriage would last a life time, in reality it lasted just shy of 15 years...he moved on very quickly with the coworker he had been having the affair with. Like you, there was no screaming/shouting/violence..when I found out, I simply asked him what he wanted..he said to stay married but continued this other relationship..rumors were she wasn't the first. Was I a dumb housewife for trusting him? No. You marry someone - or most people do - based on respect and trust to name a few things..so the one who wasn't trustworthy was her. All too often those of us who are "wronged" - like yourself - blame ourselves for some shortcoming we think we have - but how could you have fixed anything w/your marriage when you had no idea anything was wrong? And, honestly, I'm not sure anything you did would've made a difference and it sounds as though she made up her mind what she wanted and had really divorced your marriage long before the actual divorced occurred. In my case, I wasn't willing to continue to live w/someone who was living 2 lives or possible more, letting my imagination, self esteem and overall health decline over trying to make someone happy/content who obviously wanted to go a different route - though interesting he did NOT want to divorce. I did divorce him, gave him everything so there would be no hold up. But I do still have some anger, sadness that life didn't go the way I thought it would. His life, I would like to say, turned out crappy, that karma bit him..but the truth is, he never really missed a beat and seems, from what little I know, to be living a wonderful life. Is that fair? No. It is reality? Yes. You can second guess yourself a million times about what you could/would/should've done but it sounds like you weren't afforded that chance w/your ex..so the blame is on her. You sound depressed and it sounds as though it's not just because of the holidays - but overall it sounds like you haven't really moved on. All I can offer for advice sound trite but it is not meant to be..if you can see a therapist, please see one. If you have been, find another one since you are still struggling..medication for depression may help if you haven't tried that. 10 years, a decade, is a long time to suffer - especially for someone who was obviously not the person you though she was. Good luck.
  6. I genuinely appreciate all the responses...I would like to say I am feeling better but I'm not. I did start on Effexor (generic) a few days ago - I know it takes some time I am glad you all found that seed of hope and strength somewhere inside to make the changes - the effort - to see your value and make it work - maybe in a few days, the medication will kick in and I will be able to find that as well - but right now..I just want out.
  7. I'm going to figure out a way to get out of this so called life. I'm just not going to go through existing anymore.
  8. I want to go home but I can't because home - at least my definition of it - doesn't exist any longer. Death destroyed some of it, life took the rest. I'm tired. Not " I didn't have enough sleep last night tired" but bone weary, DONE with life tired. This time, by far, the depression that I have battled for decades, is the worst. I'm in it's stranglehold with anxiety cheering it on. I wish this damn disease coupled with the monotony of life without LIFE would just finish the job. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm tired of the physical, spiritual, psychological suffering this illness besets on myself (and millions of others). I have spent years going to therapy/not going, taking various medications/not taking them, taking herbal remedies/not taking them, exercising/diet changes...all the ****ing things every expert recommends and yes, I've prayed..alot and often..for short periods of time these things helped, but time they helped became shorter, more like bursts of relief..now..there is none. I have come out the other side an angry person...financially close to destroyed, physically a mess, psychologically there is little left, spiritually crushed..mentally..done. I read about people in the obituaries - all ages - who had families, successful lives and wonder why life chose them to exit this world instead of me? Those people contributed, those people could continue to make a difference, spend the upcoming dreaded holiday season with people they loved and those that loved them back. I don't have that. I have a spouse that I don't love, who, I think loves me but I think it's more out of no other options than anything else. I don't trust my spouse, I don't even like my spouse most of the time but I also know that my spouse is not responsible for much of what is wrong in my life. I use to think the companionship of the marriage was better than nothing at all..I don't think that anymore because I think in many ways the companionship has turned to a soft form of punishment for us both. I don't have children and that's ok. I sometimes wonder what life would've been like with a child but then when I see my inability to fully care for myself on a daily basis I realize I would've failed the child as well. I have come to realize too there is nothing that is going to assuage the defeat, the guilt, the condemnation I feel about all the opportunities I have blown because of the fear/anxiety/depression that has ridden my back since childhood. I'm not talking just professional, I'm talking personal ones too. So many, many regrets. And, no, there is no way to return to any of those people and make anything "right" I live with the non-healing wounds that I alone created. Victories of mental illness - the victims of my life - myself included. I just want out. I don't want to continue to be ungrateful for the life I do have, I don't want to go through another ****ing holiday season with the commercials, made for tv movies and forced "secret santa" crap at work. I want to stop pretending, even at the risk of being the Grinch. I want to be able to drive over to my parents house, hang out with them, I want to see/talk to my ex spouse, I want to stop crying. I want to STOP. There is song by Eddie Money " I want to go back" and another by Blue Oyster Cult " Don't fear the reaper" - the sum of my life, the dichotomy that I currently exist on. I just want to go home. One way or the other.
  9. I have no advice other than to say a lot of what you written I could have also...I have come to accept though..that the person I was before depression got such a hold of me, the losses that have stacked up over the years - personally and professionally - have taken a permanent toll..I am not, nor will I ever be, the person I was before. That causes me pain because, like you, I was once much happier, much more confident, much more successful..much more...everything...but that is no more. I know, now, there is only a certain level of happiness/contentment/peace I will ever feel for the duration of my life. I too struggle w/wanting out yet hoping for something more/better/happier than the present. Like you, I had to face some facts about my profession...I am still in the same business but a different flavor as the one in the past that brought me pride, sense of accomplishment, has just become too difficult for me..mentally and physically, because of this Barsteward disease of anxiety and depression. I feel robbed of a lot because of this illness and isolated as well. I tell myself that it's a miracle I am still able to function and there must be a reason yet left discovered why I am still here, still trying, even in the face of dark thoughts and unbearably painful moments/memories. I hope you find your way out of the hell hole. The fact you have hope and can see ANY possibility for a future is enough of a seed to hold onto.
  10. You sounds smart and capable..you also sound like anxiety has taken over your decision making..at your age lack of employment is not uncommon..apply to food joints, grocery stores, dollar stores..try to work only day hours when not going to school. Besides the income a job will provide, it will also help elevated your self esteem which in turn will help you cope better with school, depression and getting out of living in poverty down the line. You've got this - you can do it.
  11. Being in a relationship takes energy, interest and time...all of which are woefully lacking when one is clinically depressed. Depression also causes people to make decisions out of fear, desperation, loneliness or just not caring..so the fact you aren't with the love of your life is really not surprising. Many people, myself included, feel they have wasted/are wasting time, can't hold a job, compare self's to others..which only makes the cycle of mental illness worse - yet we do it anyway...I have no advice on how to stop that but I can tell you that millions of people are getting their education well over the age of 30 - some graduating college in their 80's and 90's...so the fact its taking you a little longer or maybe a lot longer is ok. Any progress is still progress.
  12. Depending on the day, all of the things you mentioned..some days I'm stronger emotionally and am able to "pull myself up by the boot straps" and get some things done..other times, I think, think and think more (over think) and do nothing but spin inside, then there are days that I just don't give a crap and do nothing..right or wrong, I am learning to just accept what the particular day brings in order for me to function or not so much function. I am also learning what what may have worked in the past to bring my mood up/get me motivated, changes over time. My only advice is if you start tipping into a few weeks of getting worse/staying the same w/o some up beat time, then you may want to reach out to your doctor if nothing you use to do to help break the cycle of depression is helping.
  13. Sleep deprivation or poor sleep, as I'm sure you know already, is a symptom of depression but also exacerbates depression and the negative thoughts that consume our waking hours. While mediation may work for some, for me personally, my mind won't quite down enough w/the anxiety I also face nor will it allow me to sit still for more than 10 min so for me, for sleep, I use melatoin or Unisom but not the one w/the benadryl ingredient. While not perfect, they help - I don't use them at the same time of course. There are also other herbs to try but maybe going to a general practitioner to get something short term for sleep would help break the cycle. I understand and identify completely w/the rest of your post..feeling like a waste of space, the weighting down, not caring about cleaning the house..all of it. I'm sorry you are feeling like this today..I hope you are able to find some relief - even for a little while.
  14. You are grieving a loss..relationships that end that don't have to do with someone dying can and often are experienced as though someone did - and in a way there was a death..a death of the relationship and all it meant for you. Out of death usually comes some hard earned regrets and guilt, second guessing, etc. You are making progress in that you aren't stalking him and are moving through the pain. Him not contacting you is for his protection I'd think as well as respect for the new relationship he is in..as it should be. If he is committed to the person he is dating, having a relationship w/you, even platonic, would be a gray area. You don't know what the future holds but right now you are doing the right thing by leaving him a lone and moving forward - even the small steps - in the future - whether it be with him or someone else - you will think twice about trying to juggling one relationship with another. I know the heart break you are feeling. I know the regret, the guilt...millions of people do - you aren't alone and I hope that in the coming weeks you find peace and are able to let go a little more of him - for your sake in feeling better soon.
  15. I have no advice, no words of wisdom...but I can related. I ruminate on past mistakes..the past in general..how if I hadn't done/said/acted a certain way how much different (better) I think my life would be now. Even sleep, what little I get, brings no relief because I usually dream about the situation/person. Maybe it is the depressed mind echoing false sentiments but it sure as hell feels real in the shame and regret that eats at me 24/7.
  16. If she isn't your direct supervisor, I'd suggest going to whoever is and saying " It doesn't seem (whatever her name is) and I are able to get a good working "groove"..I seem to be creating some stress for her which, as a new employee, is increasing my stress but I am still new and need advice/guidance/support..is there some suggestion you can offer or someone else who may be more of a match for me at this time in my learning/adjustment process? You will be getting your point across that she, for whatever reason, isn't open to helping you while at the same time sticking up for yourself. Remember too, coworkers are just that..coworkers, not friends. Maybe down the line friendships will form but at the beginning, keep it professional and try not to let Biotchy behavior like her acting like a high school child by excluding for you lunch get to you - next time, if possible, in front of others when lunch is being ordered say "Wow, I'm glad I'm here to get lunch too, I must've missed it last time since (use her name) was gone and back before I knew it with everyone else's!"
  17. What a handsome baby..I am so sorry for your loss.
  18. I have no interest in having a huge circle of friends or a bustling social life..it drains me and stresses me out - for a variety of reasons. Regardless of what tv shows like Friends/Seinfeld/Sex in the City and whatever others ones you can think of or the alcohol commercials etc would like people to think, the majority of people aren't out w/the perfect group of people, with the perfect clothes/perfect job/perfect anything..most are hanging out w/family or a few close friends. As far as being "weird" - I can understand that..I too feel that way but it's because a LOT of my interests are not the same as many of the others around me..I don't have kids so that is not a topic for me, I'm not into shopping or the latest "app", you get the idea..so while I don't judge those who are into those things it makes having a connection difficult - that doesn't mean I'm weird or they are - just means we are different. So be it. You sound like you are on & have been on the right track in getting your life back together - don't give up over a couple of bad days - you have all those interests so focus on them & socializing w/people w/in those interests if you want.
  19. You are depressed and sound defeated - the guilt, the I care/I don't care, the cancel of plans, feeling worse after therapy (which is normal by the way)..not being close to anyone, lack of trust, all you have written are actually normal responses to someone who has been depressed/cut off for a long time. Your mother doesn't sound helpful or compassionate for where you are right now in life..that is sadly also not unusual for those who have never truly been effected by a mental health issue. I hope you will continue w/the therapy - a few sessions really aren't enough time - and just know in the beginning you are going to feel most likely nothing and/or worse & that is ok - I also hope you will consider/follow through w/the appt for medication - meds can help very much - they too take time & adjustment but if you will hang in there - 6 months from now your life will be better.
  20. I had to stop taking this medication because of what you are experiencing...the longer I was on it, the more volatile I became, extreme anger, outburst, almost at times difficult to control. Very much not like me. I had never reacted to a medication like this..once I stopped it, those issue went away shortly. I would not go on this med again because of what I experienced.
  21. Depression and anxiety are medical conditions..just like diabetes or heart disease..simply telling someone to eat a certain food, take a certain vitamin, pray, etc. is like telling someone who depends on insulin to live to just stop eating food w/sugar. It's not helpful and frankly dangerous. If your doctor isn't taking you seriously, find another one. If you have the ability to see a therapist or better yet a psychiatrist please go - consider seeing someone who specialize in what is going on with you - you wouldn't go to a dentist for a broken are so stop going to others who may be trying to be helpful but can't really help. The good thing is you see something isn't right..you can't control it..the harder to try the worse its going to become. True depression/anxiety don't just "go away" - read on here, read other sites that are reputable..it sounds like you have been experiencing these symptoms for awhile and they are worsening.. see a mental health professional and don't be so quick to dismiss medication. Time to get your life back.
  22. I COMPLETELY understand about being paralyzed to do anything other than "nothing" ... but I also know depression is sly and clouds our judgement about everything from how we look, to what other people think of us..your therapist sounds unprofessional and flippant..if you haven't already, find another one. Also, you don't indicate if you are on medication..if not, it sounds like it may be of great help to you..yes, there are side effects, usually at the beginning, but think about the side effects of the life you are living now - not going out, not working, not socializing..you are 38, you have a lot of time left to make the life you want..easier said than done I know..trust me..I know...you say a woman wouldn't be interested but if you never go out, never meet people - how do you? Again, this is something you assume based out of loneliness and depression..find another therapist, get on medication if you can, if not, maybe consider something natural like St Johns Wort - it takes while but many find it helpful if prescription medication isn't an option. If you can break the hold this disease has on you, just a little, you WILL find your freedom from it. Good luck.
  23. Are you still taking this? If so, are you feeling better?
  24. I don't have children but identify with the anger/irritability and work issues..(see my other posts for details if you'd like). I too have snapped at a family member or the general noise of life has gotten on my last nerve. Frayed, as you stated, makes one less able to handle everyday activity. And apologizing, yes, is good, but I also understand feeling like an a-- afterwards. You are human and you are a human battling an illness that you are trying to manage while trying to manage being a father, husband, employee, provider and everything else that comes with normalcy in life - except for us who struggle, normalcy has a very different definition. I realized today that whether I like it or not, I am better able to cope when I take medication (very low dose generic Effexor). I am not able to afford therapy or CBT or anything along those lines right now. It has to been the minimal and on medication I am less stressed, less self abusive, less irritable and less hopeless. It's not perfect but it does provide some support in one sense and allows a small space to breath in while I get my s--- together for the millionth time. I haven't been on medication in months and this afternoon made the self care decision to begin taking my meds because I have failed to miserably in so many areas in my life over the past few months that, like you, my options were nil. Why I stopped was mostly to save money..but if I'm unable to hold a steady job, go out of the house without wanting to smack someone or be overwhelmed with anxiety, etc. then other than giving into this monster in my life, the choice for self care is clear. If you aren't taking medication maybe consider it, short term. If you are and it isn't working, please consider talking to your doctor and changing meds. But mostly, please, try not to give up. I KNOW that's easier said than done.. We tend to think in such black and white terms w/this illness and focus on the one day that sucks out of 5 that may have been ok or even good. You need to try to be kind to yourself as well. Not just those you love because you deserve kindness and understanding from yourself too.
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