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MrJoeyP

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  1. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  2. It's the hardest thing I've come across before... I just feel like I don't know where to turn, what to do with myself, and worst of all whether the thought of death seems like the only way out. It's cowardly, but I don't know how much more I can - it never stops.
  3. To give a brief history of myself to "set the scene", I grew up with my Mum, Dad and brother for 14 years living together down the road from my grandparents. When I hit the age of 14, my Dad couldn't stand living around his parents any longer, and my Mum, Dad and brother moved abroad to Spain. My Mum and Dad feel that they are correct in giving me the option to stay or go. I chose to stay in England, since I hated everything about Spain - the heat, the language barrier, everything. To be completely honest, I don't remember much that happened from the age of 14 to 16, it seems like there was a huge gap in my memory and I simply can't remember much at all about the first two years of my parents moving away, and adjusting to living with my grandparents. Since I was 16 I went to Sixth form and met my current best friend, who's been the most influential person in my life; she's taught me how to be more open and how to feel comfortable with myself, and after two years of knowing her I felt like the most secure person I know. Nothing would be a challenge to me, and I was extremely confident and open to help people that were feeling insecure. People often asked me how I dealt with my parents moving away so easily and how I was so fine to talk to about it - I'd always pass it off as it not being such a big deal to me. Now I'm 18, and I've been at University for three months, and I feel like a completely different person. Compared to the individual who once said that he was so secure he couldn't imagine going back to getting upset about insignificant things, I find myself battling a panic attack every evening before I go to sleep. I will often find it hard to breathe, and break out in crying and feelings of sheer anxiety. This anxiety is only eased once I've been talking to someone on the phone for a couple of hours, while they re-assure me that there are people out there that care about me. It feels like I have almost more than one personality - one person that will sit there and be the secure & independant person I have been for the past two years, and then there's the depressing person that will break out in tears because he has no notifications on facebook or because no-one's texted him. The feeling that there is no-one out there I can't deal with at the moment, the feeling that I really am alone. When I'm playing the role of the secure person I have been for the past couple of years, I can look at this depressive role I take and wonder why I think that way, yet when I'm taking the role of the depressive person it feels like there is no way out, ever. That is the history so far. One detail that I haven't included is that the panic attacks only started happening once I got out of a horrible relationship that lasted the best part of two months (from the beginning of University), I had awful panic attacks every day for two weeks, and I would cry at the sight of my brother and his girlfriend cuddling, kissing, anything. I even had to fall asleep with my brother's girlfriend hugging me so that I felt wanted. To get over the pain of feeling alone, I got into another relationship, and that lasted a month, and now I'm back to feeling how I did before. Panics, all through the night, not sleeping. Then sleeping throughout the day because I feel like getting out of a bed is either too much of a challenge, or like there's no reason to get out of bed. Sometimes it even feels like I don't feel safe getting out of bed. I do not want 2009 to be like this all the way through. My question here is whether or not these panic attacks are related to someone I consider close or intimate with me, leaving? Could it be that when someone close to me leaves even now, I relive the feelings I had when my parents left? The feelings that I cannot recall? Or is it normal to feel how I feel now, after a one-month relationship? To me, something is definitely wrong here. And I can't take it much longer - some days I feel like the only way out is to put an end to my own life. But I'm not stupid enough to do it, yet. Any advice at all, is greatly appreciated, I need a way out, I really really do. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, and I'm sorry to waste your time.
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