s_frye

Thank you for your response, @sober4life. I think you hit the nail on the head there. It is so easy for things to fall apart, mentally, for seemingly no reason. Limitless, obsessive passion and optimism for a new hobby or career can disintegrate overnight for no rhyme or reason. Whole years of hard work can become moot in an instant. One step forward and two steps back. I have a lot to think about. Thanks again.

Hi Depression Forums, It's been years since I've posted here, but I'm starting to wonder if my struggle with depression all these years has actually been a struggle with bipolar disorder or something of that ilk. My first depressive episodes occurred in junior high or high school. I'm just about 40 now. I've tried the gamut of antidepressants over the years. Without fail, after a very short honeymoon phase, each one made me irritable and impulsive and stopped doing anything positive. Sometimes, they made me mean and self-destructive. I have often had these irritable, impulsive phases outside antidepressant use as well. They either came before or after a depressive episode, although I struggle to remember past timelines exactly. Regardless, all paths led to a protracted depressive episode. I never had boundless, manic energy from these irritable episodes, so I thought that probably excluded me from bipolar spectrum disorders. I would, though, have boundless optimism over cockamamie schemes that, during more level-headed moments, seemed nonsensical. Before I ever had a chance to act on these schemes, I tumbled into a depressive episode for seemingly no reason. Now, at 40, I have enough "life data" to see these cyclical patterns. I'll be stable enough to do positive things, like hold down a good job where I excel, or graduate from uni summa cum laude. But then I inevitably fall down into extreme fatigue and brain fog, or become irritable, distractible, and confused for no reason. It's not just "life's ups and downs" anymore. It's destroying my life. And overall, I'm losing all optimism as well as the energy to dust myself off and start again. This is incredibly embarrassing for me. I am disappointing myself as well as others. I had so much potential. I try to do positive things for myself, like do more yoga and meditation, stop drinking alcohol, stop smoking weed... But I'm so off-kilter in my head that the improvements these changes give don't even register to me. I've now lost all of my friends because I do not keep in touch. I dare not reach out or respond, because I have no idea what kind of mood I'll be in if they want to meet up or chat. Instead, I isolate. Does this sound at all like something more than MDD, or is it just atypical depression? I feel like mood stabilizers are the only class of meds I haven't tried at this point. Any guidance would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Hi L00kingUp, Yes, I know how you feel. My appetite has been very low. In fact, it still is. I've lost 8-10 pounds in 1 month. Smoothies and protein shakes have been key in not completely shriveling up to nothing. :) Stick with it, and keep up with your running. It helps! Keeping busy and not doing too much sitting around alone is the way to go.

Dear DF, As there are so few posts on this forum that indicate much success with Prozac, I'd like to add one. At least, I hope it can provide some inspiration for those going through the start-up side-effects that can be disheartening to say the least. I've been taking Prozac for 5 weeks and 3 days. I started at 10mg for 5 days then stepped the dose up to 20mg. The side-effects at the beginning were the same as shared by a plurality of people new to the medication: daytime fatigue, insomnia, loss of appetite, feelings of depersonalization and hopelessness, anxiety. Essentially, an increase of all of the symptoms that one would start taking Prozac for in the first place! This is not new information. You can find any number of posts on this forum with identical complaints, and I can commiserate with them all. When you're trying to recover from a depressive episode, this intermediary stage, a depression purgatory, can seem endless and hopeless. We think, "how long do I have to wait, to bear these horrible feelings before I feel an improvement? Will I ever feel an improvement?" And rightly so. Not all medications work for all people. However, for me, things started to look up after 5 weeks. After the initial feelings of fatigue (the first couple of weeks), all I felt was a steady bluntness, a mental neutrality with neither the ability to feel happiness of sadness. This sensation is disturbing to say the least, even for those of us looking for respite from negative thoughts. I wondered if this was it, if this was what Prozac "does." It numbs you permanently so you don't have to feel the wildly undulating sea of emotions that life brings. But I'm starting to feel that sensation lift slightly more each day. I'm also feeling my body adapt to the decrease in sadness. At first, it manifested itself as increased anxiety, which caused me to essentially isolate myself for the last month, just barely getting through work and coming home each day numb and exhausted. Ativan would calm the panicky feeling, but it turned me into even more of a zombie. I've been taking the Ativan later and later in the day, and at decreased doses. Within the last week, I've been able to get through the entire day and evening without taking it. I take .5mg at night before bed, but I'm planning to reduce and eliminate the benzo altogether. I'm now adapting and embracing the new energy, and I'm learning how to channel it away from anxiety and towards happiness. For example, there's an organization I belong to and feel very strongly about. However, I had missed the last two weekly meetings as stress from work and feelings of sadness and anxiety prevented me from attending these highly charged and often mentally exhausting political debates. This week's meeting was last night, and I thought of the myriad ways in which to cop out of going. But I told myself to stop running from these engagements, that it's time to embrace being more social again. So I went. And you know what? I had a great time and was not too anxious either, and this was without Ativan. I was talkative and glad to hang around after the meeting to chat with people and make future plans. I almost could not believe it! This was not possible for me to do even a week ago. I see this as extreme progress, and I'm sure the Prozac is helping. Or at least it's no longer hindering. Perhaps this feeling won't last forever, and I know it will change over the next few weeks as the medication settles in my system. But for those of you going through the startup process of Prozac, I hope this can provide some hope that things will get better. -S Frye P.S. - In addition to the Prozac, I've been doing Astanga yoga most every day for about an hour, and 2 mile runs 3 times a week. I think the yoga has been as important, if not more so, than the Prozac. It's allowed me to focus on myself through breathing and meditation, and my breath is at least twice as long now as it was a month ago. The length of the breath creates such a calm in me. Once you start paying attention to your breath, you realize how shallow you breathe when stressed or anxious, and that you can use your breathing to calm you down anytime, anywhere. Be well.

Hi Shyboots, I've not used chlorpromazine (thorazine) before, but I've been using ambien to combat the insomniac effects of the prozac, and it's been working well for me. I don't always stay sound asleep all night, but it always allows me to fall asleep within 30 minutes of taking it, which alleviates my anxiety about bedtime, which can exacerbate my sleep troubles. Of course, with anything that works this well (for me), one has to be careful not to become dependent on it, lest you have a negative habit on your hands. When I take it, I do feel a bit groggy in the morning, which is motivation enough to try to take it as infrequently and in as small a dose as possible. But still, I can get asleep at a good time at night and I've been waking up at a consistent time in the morning, so it's doing its job. So, if chlorpromazine is not doing the trick for you, perhaps try ambien.

I was honored to have been at Liliah's reading on Sunday, and I have to tell everyone how impressed I am at her writing! The scene: a small but nice alcohol and tapas bar, quite packed. Liliah's reading came after several boisterous and loud writers read their pieces. As soon as Liliah started reading her story, the room became completely silent, with the audience listening with rapt attention. Her writing was most definitely unlike the other writers that read that evening, and it caught me off guard in a way that I can't quite explain. Liliah owns her viewpoint in her story, and she read with such conviction and understanding that I was, for the duration of the read (and perhaps for a while after) transported into the world that she had masterfully created through her keen observations of the psych ward. The writing was so effortless and natural that I could envision the story playing out as she read. By miles, the best writer presenting that night. She performed so beautifully and is such a stunning and smart woman to boot. -S Frye

I'm into my third week now, and starting to feel a little more normal, but still fairly neutral in mood. My sleep is better but I keep waking up too early and not being able to fall back asleep. Before, I would be able to sleep forever, so in some ways this is a good thing! I haven't lost my libido, which is also a good thing, but I hear that this can wane over time while on Prozac. I will be keeping a close eye on it for sure! Overall, I'm feeling a lot less stressed out and more calm, but almost too calm. I hope I can get back my passion for certain things. Time will tell... S Frye