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  1. I'll be sure to ask my doctor about "California Rocket Fuel" it sounds like it has a lot of potential of working. I'll look into the pharmacogenetic anaysis as well. Are there any effective antidepressants that don't cause sexual side effects? The ones that I have founds so far are Bupropion, Mirtazapine, Vilazodone and Vortioxetine.
  2. In the past three years I've been on a varying combination of the following medications: Lithium 600mg, Lamictal 400mg, Wellbutrin 300mg, Zoloft 100mg, Prozac 60mg, Abilify 20mg, busPIRone 10mg, Duloxetine 60mg, Citalopram 40mg, Clonazepam 0.5mg. I've been on so many different ones because nothing has worked. I am posting here because I have a visit with a new psychiatrist and want to know if anyone here has similar symptoms as me and found a medication that worked, this way I can talk to them about the possibility of it working for me too. This endless loop of medications is making me even more depressed and just want to find something that works. When I first went to a therapist and psychiatrist three years ago I just told them that I had depression and anxiety, but now I realize the reason for my depression and anxiety and hope I can find a medication that will be more specific to my issues rather than just one for general depression and anxiety. Here is my main issue... =I am unable to have meaningful interactions with people because I hyper focus on everything that people say to me and I usually find something that upsets me as I feel bullied or made fun of. (I do not know if medication can do anything for this, or if this has to do with things that happened to me in the past. I tell myself not to let something somebody said to me get to me but I truly cannot help it, it could be a form of irrational thinking or OCD?) =Because of this issue I fear interacting with people because they might say something or do something to upset me, so I avoid interactions if possible. As a side note, when someone does make a comment that upsets me I never say anything back, this is either because it's not until later when I think about it that it makes me upset or because I was just simply too afraid to. Could it be that it's only in my mind that a person was being mean to me? As an adult I wish I was able to defend myself when I feel someone disrespects me or hurts my feelings but because I hyper focus on every action and word somebody says I pretty much take everything as disrespectful or hurtful so it's hard to know when to speak up.
  3. I've been in therapy for three years, my main issues are past upsetting memories and I have never been able to let them go. I was doing some research and I just realized why I've never been able to let them go, it's because I never want something like that to happen again so I keep the memories stored as a warning to stop myself from making the same mistake again. Some people might see this as a good thing, but I have so many bad memories that I literally can't do anything in life and I pretty much stay home all of the time because I am scared something upsetting will happen and it will be another bad memory and another thing I can't do. One of bad memories is being made fun of by grocery store clerks for what I was buying (i like to stock up and they would make fun of how much i was buying, this happened 3 times with different stores), so I never go to clerks now and only use the self checkout. The issue is if I get rid of the bad memory I still won't go to a clerk and the reasoning will be what happened in the past because I don't want it to happen again thus making me remember what happened and the memory is brought back to life again and again every time I go to the store. The only way that I would go to a clerk is if I completely forgot about the incidents and I literally had zero recollection of them, which seems near impossible but that is what I would like. It seems to be a catch-22. Is there really a way to get rid of a bad memory if a person uses it to protect themselves from being hurt emotionally so it doesn't happen again or do you keep them to learn from the past?
  4. Something else I just remembered, before I saw her I filled out a questionnaire where I wrote down all of my issues and it took over 2 hours, but then session after session she kept asking me things that I already gave the answer to in the questionnaire and I became suspicious that she never read it, so at our fourth session I asked if she had a chance to read it and she said "I think I did, I probably did, I don't remember, I mean usually I'll make a note if there is something I want to talk about further or that is important" So basically she said with that statement that nothing was notable and nothing was important, even though I wrote in detail about horrible things that happened to me and I needed help with. I'm not sure if she has helped me or not because she causes me anxiety because I don't think she is taking my issues seriously and is not really interested in helping me, only in getting my money. The reason why I haven't got a different therapist yet is because I'm not sure if her dis-interest is in my mind or real.
  5. I've been seeing my therapist for about 5 months. The other day when I was describing one of my issues I noticed she looked down at her nails and started playing with them for about 20 seconds, I just kept talking, but now that I think about it I'm wondering if I was droning on too long or I wasn't interesting enough to keep her attention. If she does this again I think I'm going to stop seeing her because I think it's rude and unprofessional. Seems like a therapist should listen intently and not play with their nails. Should I be upset about this and find a new therapist? One of my issues is self confidence because I feel like people don't like me and this makes matters worse because she makes me feel like I am doing something wrong and am so boring that she can't help but play with her nails. Also, three weeks ago she promised to find someone who could do EMDR but every time I see her she says she hasn't got around to doing that. I like her, but these two issues make me doubt my importance to her and she is just using me for a paycheck.
  6. I have one certain bad memory that runs through my mind at least 100 times a day, the incident happened 10 years ago but it feels like it happened yesterday. I've been in therapy for 3 years and am on 5 medications for depression and anxiety, mostly because of this one single incident, but none of that has worked and the memory is as vivid as it was when it first happened. This is really driving me crazy and I want to get rid of it forever because it's controlling me and holding me down. I think one reason why this memory haunts me so much is because it was life changing and I could have prevented it, I wish so much it never happened because I wouldn't be the mess that I am today. Any suggestions on how to get rid of a past memory that is ruining your life?
  7. When I was talking with my psychiatrist today he said that I was "painfully articulate" after I described how my medication was working out. Is this a negative or positive? It sounds like he was being rude or sarcastic and wasn't taking my feelings into consideration and blurted that out. I think he was telling me to stop talking and shutup. Should I look for a new psychiatrist?
  8. My therapist wants me to start taking small steps in getting out of the house and being around people. She wants me to come up with a list of things that I would be comfortable doing, such as activity groups or volunteering, but I don't think I'm ready for things like that because I have horrible "anticipation anxiety" so I would prefer something where I can go that I don't have to sign up for and make a commitment or appointment, this way if I can go or not go without the feeling of letting someone down. So far the only thing I can think of is church, although I am not religious. If anyone has anything where I can just show up without making a commitment please let me know.
  9. I've decided I'm not going back to see her because I just know every time I see her it will just open up this wound, also I would be nervous the entire time during our session that she may make another joke to upset me. Although, I would like to see her one more time and get an explanation, but most likely she will just say she didn't mean any harm and apologize, so I don't see a need to give her my money again. I've come to terms with this situation and know that she didn't mean to upset me and I guess she thought it was a funny thing to say. I think we all have made jokes that we wish we could take back, so I don't hold a grudge with her, but when dealing with people who are depressed and suicidal maybe joking about their condition isn't the best idea. When I contact the clinic to cancel my appointments I am going to mention the incident just so the therapist is aware why I stopped seeing her and she should be more careful when making jokes with a patient.
  10. Thank you for your replies. They made me feel a lot better. One thing that I just remembered that she said when she was going over all of the forms and stuff was that a client didn't have to keep seeing her if they didn't feel it was working and she wouldn't be offended, but then she said that she could stop seeing the client if she wanted to and that part was weird to me because I've heard therapists say I didn't have to come back if I didn't want to, but the part about she could stop seeing a client if she wanted to was strange, I've never heard a therapist say that. Why would she even say that? Has anyone ever been told by a therapist that they can stop seeing you if they want? I know they have the right but why say that in the first session, what's the point if at any moment they drop you and you have to start all over again with a new therapist. I know if the client does something bad to them, I understand, but I felt it almost as a threat.
  11. About ten minutes into my first session with a new therapist she asked about some of my issues and I guess I went on for a while talking and when I finished she said "wow, I'm tired" She said it was a joke and laughed. She said she was joking twice, so I think she knew she should not have said it, but she did. It really caught me off guard so I didn't say anything about it, but as the session continued it's all I could think about and couldn't believe she would make a joke at her client's expense. In my mind I was trying to decide whether to confront her about the joke or just to let it go, but it's hard to let something go when it's all you can think about. I left without saying anything, but in retrospect I should have told her my feelings, although, I don't know what good it would have done since even if she apologized or explained that it wasn't meant to hurt me, I still would not go back to her. I've seen 4 different therapists in the last three years and this is the very first time anything like this has happened. I'm supposed to meet with her every Thursday at noon, but right now I'm conflicted about going to the appointment next week to discuss this incident with her or contact the clinic to cancel and let them know what happened. I know the clinic probably won't do anything to her, but I just want them to know why I won't be a patient there anymore. Do you have any advice on how I should proceed?
  12. I have zero self confidence and am frightened of people because I'm afraid they will tease me or make fun of me and I don't have friends because of this. I think this comes from being bullied as a kid because I was overweight. I've been in therapy for 2 years and it hasn't helped my self confidence at all. I think someone just telling me that I'm a good person and I should have more confidence isn't enough, like my therapists have done. However, my first therapist had me do exposure therapy to prove that people won't make fun of me, but instead of making me better it made me worse because of what someone said or did and it reinforced all my fears, instead of showing me that my fears were false. When I did the exposure therapy I wasn't ready at all and it damaged me, too much too soon. Whenever I'm around adults I feel like I'm ten years old and am frightened they might bully or tease me. I don't feel like a man or an adult. Whenever someone has teased me I just take it and don't standup for myself. I can remember so many instances where a kid teased me and I just stood there and didn't say a word, same thing goes today, whether it's adults teasing or being rude. I need to find a way to raise my self confidence, to feel like an adult and a man. I've only seen female therapists because I feel that I can't open up to a man without being judged. Does anyone have any opinions on this?
  13. Here's an update... I've seen my current therapist twice and when I first called her I asked her if she was in my insurance network she said she would be starting Feb. 15th, so I saw her on Feb. 16th and 23rd, paying her my $15 co-pay. Well, I got a bill from her for $325.00 for our 2 sessions, I was shocked because she said she was in my network and I would only need to pay $15 per session. I emailed her today and she said she doesn't know what I'm talking about and I have to pay the bill. I just checked my insurance website and in the search results it says she is still out of network. I should have never trusted her and should have waited for confirmation from my insurance. I remember when I was making my first appointment she asked if I wanted to see her before Feb. 15th when she would be out of network or after Feb. 15th when she would be in my network, naturally I said after because it would be only $15. Unfortunately there isn't much I can do except pay the bill so it doesn't go to collection. This is why I don't trust people.
  14. I saw my previous therapist for five months, but at our last visit I caught her looking down at the floor while I was talking and also she was playing with the arms of her sweater, also while I was talking, instead of looking me in the eye or writing anything that I was telling her down. I felt disrespected and stopped seeing her. Today I saw my new therapist and we talked about how at the apartment building where I live I constantly have to call the manager to complain about noise and these are repeat offenders meaning I keep complaining and they keep doing it or new neighbors move in and more blasting music or more barking dogs. I don't care if the noise is every once in while but if it's everyday for hours on end I just can't take it, plus my apartment is very, very expensive and hate that I'm pay so much for a place were I can't relax or have peace and quiet. The building must have thin walls and floors because I've never lived in a place like this. So, I told my therapist how I was on edge 24/7 about one of my neighbors making repeated noise and I told her that right now I stay in my bedroom with the door shut with a noise machine and I wear headphones. I told her that I hate feeling like a victim and having to be locked in my room because of someone else's selfish actions. Her advice was to stay hold-up in my room and keep doing what I'm doing and make it my safe space. Maybe that is the right answer, but it's not the answer I was hoping for because right now I feel like a prisoner. It is true that I could just keep complaining until all of this stops for good, but I have done that. I've made four complaints about one neighbor and five on another, it is better but every few days it still happens. It's the fault of my neighbors for not showing respect for me or being courteous and the manager for not being more clear how important the complaint is and they have to stop forever. What's your opinion?
  15. I'm very, very depressed right now. In June of 2016 new neighbors moved into the apartment below me. They left their dog home all day while they were at work and it barked its head off the whole day until they got home. I work at home so this was a huge problem. I had to complain twice to the apartment manager before it stopped. But then in August they started leaving it at home again and it barked all day long, I complained again and it stopped. But then in October they started leaving it home again and I had to complain again and it stopped, sort of. They now leave the dog home alone about twice a week and it barks its head off until they get home. It now is only for a couple of hours, but it's still annoying as heck and bothers me. I just can't believe after four complaints they would ever leave the dog home alone. The last time they did it was two weeks ago on Friday night for 10pm to 12am. I was going to complain again but I would have to wait until Monday when the apartment office was open, by the time Monday came I wasn't as upset or angry so I decided not to complain and give them one more chance before I did complain. I've heard it a couple times since then but because it happens at night now I'd have to wait until the next day to complain when the apartment office is open and usually by then I decide it's not worth it to complain but if the office was open at night I would 100% complain because of how upset, angry and depressed it makes me hearing the dog because after four complaints it still hasn't stopped. I will say that they don't leave it home all day like they used to, and not it's usually in the evening but only once or twice a week. My question is should I complain if it barks again for more than an hour? or am I being a jerk by wanting there to be absolutely no barking? The barking until midnight 2 weeks ago definitely was something that did merit a complaint but since then it's been in the early evening. Am I making too much of this and I should just forget about it and only complain if it starts happening almost everyday? It seems like there has to be some kind of training to make it stop barking when it's left home alone.
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