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Everything posted by budfox

  1. Yes I feel exactly like this. But as some have said once I do leave the house I do feel better. And sometimes the best thing about going out is coming home again. If you don't leave the house you don't get to experience that feeling!
  2. Hi Zye, Welcome to the forums. Very sorry you're having a hard time right now. You've said you were fine for 6 months and didn't have sad thoughts, urges to cut, etc. You can definitely get back to that place. I can relate to what you say about only having friends online. I have friends in real life but I hardly ever see them and they don't provide any support for my mental health issues. Whereas people on this forum do. So I definitely think you've come to the right place. You will get lots of understanding and support here. You said your 'best friend' got a job. It sounds like that could have triggered the latest sad cycle. Once you get your tooth fixed and start going outside again I think that you will feel better. I too am trapped in a very depressive phase and am hardly ever leaving the house. I've also been using street drugs and they really do not help at all. In face I think it's going to be hard fo rus to get out of the depressive cycle unless we quit doing them. I really intend to do that ASAP and even probably go to rehab. You're not alone.
  3. Very rarely. Only when I have to really. And I know it's really bad for me but I still find it so hard to do.
  4. Dude you're 20 and you've made a list of things that you'll never EVER be able to do? Come on man, you're going to do all those things, it just doesn't seem like it at the moment.
  5. I think it's 'if you build it, THEY will come." Get your quotes right River ;-)
  6. Am really sorry to hear that things are so bad. I don't want to patronise you but we certainly appreciate having you around and I hope you will reconsider. How long have things been so bad for? For what it's worth I feel the same way sometimes.
  7. Great post DB and I'm sorry your circumstances are tough at the moment. For what it's worth and with the economy the way it is I think a lot of people are in this position. It must be incredibly frustating not to be able to talk about emotions, depression and financial state. Again I think many people on this board are in the same position which is why I'm so grateful to DF and its members for being a place when we CAN talk about anything and not be judged. I particularly liked what you said about embracing depression. I do think people that won't or can't do this can often find themselves in the most desperate situation of all and may even take drastic steps (I'm thinking self harm) that weren't necessary. It's a travesty and I hope this changes.
  8. Totally agree with Jehoikim. There are times I thought my depression would never get better. It always has. And after years of never going more than a few days depression free, in the last couple of years I've had long runs without any depression. I too considered myself treatment resistant but even though you've been on a fair few meds you haven't tried them all and certainly haven't been on all the various combinations. After individual meds stopped working for me a pdoc put me on Lamictal, Nortriptyline and Amytriptyline and it works well. There are obviously also other things like CBT and I see you're on a waiting list. I'm not sure you can be considered completely treatment resistant yet. And honestly, my view is that a good deal of treatment resistant depression people can get better too. It's just not because of a treatment but probably natural adaptations in neurochemistry, changing lifestyle, etc. Don't give up hope.
  9. Thank you all. So glad people found this post helpful!
  10. Hey man, I echo what 20YearsandCounting said. You have done really well given the adverse circumstances you have faced. And you exercise every day, that is also great. I think you're a tough guy and if you get the right break you're going to be fine. So many people suffer from social anxiety. What would amaze you is how often even people who appear supremely confident on the outside actually struggle with this. There have been a few people I have known who were the most confident, outgoing people you could imagine, then later on I find that they have had serious mental issues and that the confidence was all just a front. And I think a lot (maybe the majority) of people on this forum have similar issues. It's good that you want to work on yourself. DF is my favourite forum but I think there are more specific forums that would benefit you if you want to work on self improvement. If you want, PM me and I will give you the web URLs since I don't think I'm allowed to do that here. You'll be fine. B
  11. I don't think you have taken all that much time off Wrenn. Especially given what you're going through. It's a shame that: 1. Mental illness is still stigmatized and often isn't given parity (in the view of the employer) with equivalently serious physical illness; and 2. Many people abuse the system. Both 1. and 2. make me incredibly angry. If somebody is so ill that they can't work they should be supported and should be able to take the time off that they need to recover. In those circumstances the last thing a depressed person needs is to worry about losing his/her job or feeling guilty about taking sick days. Sadly, it's not often that worry and guilt about work don't compound existing depression. What reason did you give when calling in sick? Does your employer know about your depression and anxiety? B Like others have said, just do what you can. I mean what you reasonably can, not pushing yourself incredibly to make it in. I hope it all works out but if your
  12. Beyond awful. But it's because I was really sick a couple of days ago and now feel exhausted going from one room to another. Also having horrendous, fitful sleep with very deep and disturbing dreams, emotionally much too powerful, so I wake up feeling completely shaken. I've made some really bad decisions the last 6 months and am going to write them off and not look back. I just want to live a healthy, productive life. I'll still get depression and anxiety but hopefully nothing to compare to the hell I've endured in the last half year while messing around with stuff I shouldn't have been messing around with. I'm done.
  13. I love the Bangles. I'm pretty sure Prince wrote that song.
  14. This world f****** sucks Matt, when people like you have to go through this. It's absolutely undeserved and no reflection on you as a person. You sound like a cool guy actually. I'm so fed up of reading these threads, not towards the poster but just towards the nature of life and how some people sail through it and for others it's a living hell. I went through a rare few days of elevated mood recently (i.e. even a bit above baseline for a 'normal' person - I didn't take anything) and life was so easy. Of course even for 'normal' people life can be tough but it's certainly not as tough as when you have severe depression. I for one hope you hang in there man and it gets better. In the meantime we're here for you.
  15. Lauryn, I hate your rehab coordinator. When are these nasty idiots going to realise we're doing our damn best? Mind you I've also seen people badmouth a girl with multiple sclerosis for 'leaving eary' every day (she wasn't even leaving early, just not staying late) so I can only conclude that there are a lot of vile people out there. I'm in my hotel room and there are fireworks going off right outside my window. I don't mean in a nice pretty display type of way, I mean it honestly feels like I'm in a warzone type of way. It's not very calming. I've decided I don't like New Year's Eve much. Sleep is going to be impossible until these fireworks stop.
  16. No way. I'm going to be wishing you a happy New Year next year too. Death will come to us all eventually. We don't need to rush towards it my friend.
  17. Thanks RL, we should try and encourage each other in 2016. There was a time when I would go to a yoga class every day and run pretty much every day too. I felt really good. Now I feel doughy and unfit. I hope we can both do more in 2016. Just doing stuff like that increases self esteem I think, the sheer accomplishment of it. Never mind all the benefits for your body and mind. Thank you for your advice about not feeling pressured to enjoy stuff. I think it's good advice. The time I feel furthest apart from my gf is when she's looking out at some view and her face shows only blissful contentment, whereas I just want to get back home! I'm such a sad sack.
  18. You can take the 'Happy' in the subject header as sincere or ironic, depending on what mood you're in. I know perfectly well that for many of us on this site, it's not a happy New Year at all. But we're all still alive and fighting and where there's life there's hope. I mean that. Love you all and am looking forward to speaking with you in 2016.
  19. hey budfox, I stay in all the time too... and I mean all the time, except maybe a walk here and there. But I used to be much more outdoorsy and used to roller blade and kayak. Now I don't do much at all, so I know the feeling. I definitely want to start exercising too, and doing something that gets me outside. Problem for me is that I now live in a place that doesn't encourage me to want to be outside. It's boring suburbia. Doing anything outdoors means driving somewhere. Although there is a wide foot path that is good for biking. So there's one thing I could do. Anyways, I'm with you! Thanks Riverlight. I feel less bad knowing I'm not the only one. Big groups of people stress me out so much. Taking a flight a few days ago, the airport was like a zoo. So I have to avoid crowds. But even taking a walk in a nice forest or something which everyone is supposed to enjoy leaves me feeling nothing and I have to pretend to be as happy as my gf who loves all that stuff.
  20. I got so drunk last year I acted like a clown then passed out in the bathroom. Kicked off a bad depression. Sticking to a couple of glasses of alcohol tonight.
  21. Feeling like I'm lazy. The problem is I don't know that I enjoy doing much stuff. I like reading, watching films, writing (sometimes), trying to teach myself to dance (from YouTube videos) and eating. But they are all indoor activities and pretty much all can be done at home. So I stay in. A LOT. My gf is into things like hiking and taking day trips to different places. I just don't enjoy that stuff very much but I know it would be good for me and would probably help with depression. At least when I was running, that would be an hour every day that I was out of the house. So in the New Year I definitely want to run regularly, maybe take a class (like yoga or something) and maybe do one more thing regularly which makes me leave the house. Does anyone else feel like this?
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