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Phlebas

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Everything posted by Phlebas

  1. Apathetic. I care less and less about how bad everything has gone for me to be in my current situation. Depression has long since slipped away into apathy. I don't care.
  2. who's still here? ... and who isn't.
  3. Hey I had the same thing. 20mg for three months. It was one of many reasons why I resolved to never again use Lexapro or Antidepressants. One of my first posts about Lexapro was that it was causing me sex drive problems but I think it was removed or something, can't remember now my memory is pretty screwed up ever since the Lexapro... But yeah, it made it really hard for me to... well, get hard. Ejaculating started to take like 20, 30 minutes to even an hour and then some. Sex drive pretty much vanished. It's been about a year and a half, maybe two years and its never been the same. But it did improve significantly. I hate to think what it would be like now if I'd used it for longer than three months... Sorry brother, but beyond quitting Lexapro I can't really help you out. And for all I know maybe the AD effect is more important than your sex drive... Thinking about it, Lexapro probably prevented me from ******* myself by destroying all my emotions, so I know its a hard choice. Edit: Also, just remembered, but after I quit (Cold Turkey - Really bad idea, don't do this ever) my sex drive returned really intense for about a month, but it was hard to maintain, but after that month or so it was all but gone for about a year... And like I said, it never returned to the same, err, virility as before. I think lifting weights might help though because that increases testosterone production...
  4. Someone I know, or I suppose I should say "used to know" as I haven't bothered to contact them in over two years committed suicide a few days ago and I found out yesterday. It didn't induce any emotion in me at all... What the hell did Lexapro do to me? It's not human to feel nothing to this extent. I've been 100% clean from Lexapro since about May 2013 and it's like the state it induced never left me. Someone who I laughed and spoke with, even slept next too, ended their own life. I stared at their baby-faced picture from just a few years ago and realized what a kid she still was, and how much of a kid I was back then too... I stared and stared trying to feel something and I didn't feel anything at all. I'm nearly two years clean from Lexapro and still feel permanently damaged from it... I'm not in a position to get a brain scan or any similar medical tests that might give me an inkling of what might have happened or is happening to me. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing but I'm beginning to obsess from time to time over the idea that I have brain damage, had a stroke, or some strange neurological disease that has eaten out the part of my brain responsible for processing emotions, and that it might be spreading... Yeah. I want my emotions back. But at the same time I'm worried that if they do come back so will the depression... Not that I have any choice in the matter. Still, they should have come back by now, even just a little bit - but they haven't. They really haven't. Since making this thread I've experienced emotion in the shortest of bursts, probably less than 30 seconds long, and only on about... Only on two occasions that I can remember - and I remember them perfectly because it was so significant for me to feel anything at all. I'm rambling now... The point is, someone who used to be a significant part of my life killed themselves and even that wasn't enough to trigger an emotional response in me.
  5. I can't believe I've been a member of this forum for six years now, and still have mental health issues... Kind of sucks

  6. Still haven't followed through with it. I've moved to Europe and am seriously considering the French Foreign Legion at this point, as well as my original plan. But I'm still hoping to find out a little bit more about what happened to me and if it's potentially treatable. I'm still completely emotionally blunt which is severely affecting the quality of my life and especially relationships. I haven't spoken to my family in nearly six months now since moving overseas, mostly because I can no longer connect with them anyway. I enrolled myself in a school, and everyone was welcoming and wanted to be "friends with the foreign guy", but when I don't feel emotion anymore it was only a matter of weeks until all those people began avoiding me. I tried to act the part, fake smiling, fake laughing, feigning interest in people... But when you really feel absolutely nothing from an emotional perspective I think other people instinctively pick up on it. So for now the fourth time in my life (Or is it fifth?) I have dropped out of school - Normally this sort of event would have been enough to drive me into a severe suicidal depression, but it hasn't. I feel nothing. Honestly, I think this is what a psychopath might feel like. The only difference is I remember what emotions are and all the things associated with them so I'm an ethically sound human completely lacking emotion. I no longer have anxiety, which is incredible. I used to suffer near heart attacks just going outside, and sitting on the bus next to a person would panic me to the point that I'd practically hyperventilate, speaking with people would make my voice go squeaky and cause my tongue to tie knots around itself while mixing my sentences inside out: Now I'm calm as a rock, but sadly as boring as a rock too since without emotion nothing can interest me. I feel like a robot. Eighteen months. Eighteen months with a complete lack of emotion. At this point I can't decide which I would prefer, for my emotions along with the heavy depression to return, or to just stay like this. Ideally it would be somewhere in between, but I don't think I have much choice in the matter. At this point I still have no intention of ever touching such drugs again. And thinking I should probably be "angry" with my psychiatrist. I went to him complaining I couldn't concentrate enough anymore to read even for pleasure, and he prescribed me Lexapro and gave me a thick booklet detailing its effects - expecting me to read it rather than be honest with me about the potential side-effects. Equally on par with the emotional numbness in terms of affecting quality of life is the mental dulling that has resulted from use and cessation of Lexapro (And potentially other factors). It's not easy for other people to gauge from a computer screen, but I have definitely had a significant drop in intelligence; It's highly possible this is a side-effect of the emotional numbing. Worst of all is lack of appreciation for music. Music for the last eighteen months has been as emotionally stimulating as watching paint dry on a wall in an empty room of walls. I've tried, and tried, and tried some more to feel something. Trying to will my brain into appreciating music through memories of the enjoyment or sadness it once brought me, but nothing happens... The song "Asleep" by The Smiths used to be enough to paralyze me during my worst depressions, or re-induce my depression during times of remission. Now I could listen to it all day without feeling a thing. No appreciation, no sadness, nothing. Just empty inside. I don't really post on this website anymore because I'm functionally "cured" of depression, but in many ways my quality of life is worse for it.
  7. A lot of people have reported that Lexapro destroyed their creativity. It's up to you whether you think the numbness and relief from depression as a result of that numbing is worth the potential loss of your creativity. I think too many people are willing to squirm around the idea like it's not a big deal, that dealing with the depression is more important in their eyes. From my perspective having used Lexapro and suffered a serious loss of wit, humour, and creativity as a result I think that pushing the view that it wont cause any longterm side effects that might seriously change your personality (and hence creativity) is being dishonest. So there you go.
  8. I've been thinking about this from time to time, but it's really hard to come up with a solid plan when you're in a constant state of apathy. Everything seems so empty, boring and meaningless that it's hard to motivate myself to do anything including thinking of a plan of action, let alone executing said hypothetical plan. I'm not depressed but I'm becoming suicidal because there is no end to this unthinking boredom so I've decided I'm going to chase adrenalin and novelty. I've begun selling off my possessions and have reserved a one way ticket to Europe. My immediate plan is to go to Amsterdam and try magic mushrooms in the hope I'll be one of the lucky ones who goes through a near-immediate remission post psilocybin use. I'll work my way forwards from there, if it doesn't work then I'm seriously going to wander the Earth Christopher McCandless style. I don't have enough money to get back and I've already made reservations for late June. I know that I should be feeling excited, or scared, or apprehensive or some sort of emotion in response to this so obviously crazy and idiotic decision... But I don't feel anything. I've been watching videos of Russians free climbing dangerous towers and buildings and I seriously think that's what I'm going to do.
  9. That happened to me, but on the right side of my head. It still persists to this day. Funnily enough one of the main reasons I took the plunge and went on Lexapro in the first place was because of brain fog and anhedonia, but it just seemed to exasperate the problem.
  10. It has now been roughly twelve months since I stopped taking Lexapro. I quit "cold turkey" in May 2013. Lexapro cured my depression, but at a very steep cost. I no longer feel anything and haven't ever since I quit the drug. I thought that after twelve months without any SSRI's that I would return to "normal", but that's not the case. On Lexapro I was an emotionless zombie, but some fragment of me screamed and begged me to stop taking the drug - but I deferred my decision to the psychiatrist who I trusted to take care of me and who assured me it was in my best interest to continue with the medication. Before long, the begging voice subsided. At first I thought it had given up resistance and decided to go along with the medical regimen, but when the voice finally died I realized I had slowly been eating away at the very core of my being, piece by piece, emotion by emotion. I no longer feel anything when I look at old photos, it's not that I don't remember the events, but there is simply no emotion tied to them anymore - there's no emotion tied to anything. I can't empathize with people anymore, I can't find things funny, or sad, or infuriating, I'm completely numb. A hollow shell of the former inhabitant of this mind. I own all the same things he did, but for him (the former consciousness) they had some sort of value, to me they mean nothing more than a keepsake of that former self. That's the only reason I haven't gotten rid of them. I no longer enjoy any of the things that "he" did, but I go through the motions like a loyal servant trying to keep the memory of him alive. Passion, drive, motivation, empathy, sadness, anger, love... I remember what all these things are, but I experience none of them. Depression, something I was so desperate to be rid of that I had so often contemplated suicide would be welcome company now - it would be proof that I'm still human. All the things that once made me human and made me who I am, my likes and dislikes, interests, emotions... They're all gone. And that's why I say I'm an imposter, because the real me died when a complacent zombie tortured him to death with Lexapro. Taking this drug is the worst decision I ever made. My memory is completely shattered now and I feel like my IQ has been cut in half, so not only am I completely emotionally numb, but also significantly stupider. I learn things much slower now, and that problem is only compounded by the memory issues. It's hard to learn anything when you're simply going through the motions rather than doing it out of keen interest, or drive, or passion. Taking Lexapro effectively achieved the same thing as committing suicide. Both methods could stop the pain, and both methods killed the person. It's only that with Lexapro the body doesn't die so you're given the illusion that the person hasn't either. I wish I'd never taken Lexapro, and I felt it was important to share why. Regards, The Imposter.
  11. Bored, bored and a little bit more bored. I'm a loser.
  12. It's been thirteen months since I last took Lexapro, but the negative side effects still haven't subsided. I no longer have any desire to **** myself and I haven't now for a very long time (since taking and eventually stopping Lexapro). I'm no longer depressed, or I at least don't feel the emotion of depression - the problem is I don't feel any emotion at all. I thought it would take three months to go back to normal, then six months, then nine months... Now thirteen months later and I'm this empty hollow shell of a man. I wanted to be a writer, I used to write all the time - had I known Lexapro would do this to me I never would've taken it, I honestly would rather have died. I feel as if this drug has given me permanent brain damage, no spontaneous thought emerges from my mind and I can only speak in technical and practical terms, no on-the-spur wit or creativity, I don't put two and two together... I'm in a rush so this post is short and doesn't emphasize the point enough. Am I the only one who has experienced these discontinuation side effects for so long? It's been 13 months now, when will I get my mind back?
  13. I wish I could tell you man. I'm in a similar situation, and starting to seriously suspect I have undiagnosed aspergers. I can no longer empathize with people and understand their emotions and get excited or sad alongside them because I don't feel anything at all anymore, auditory processing issues don't help the situation either... I haven't felt emotions for nearly 13 months now, being a robot among humans should be depressing, but it's really just severely boring. Memories of emotion and empathy are the closest thing I have to motivation now. On regaining empathy (or even just some emotion) I've been thinking of studying a foreign language in the hopes of strengthening neural connections associated with language, and hopefully with empathy and the ability to connect with people. I know it's a long-shot, but that's the most promising solution I've been able to come up with for now. Exercising and forcing myself into social situations are also part of the plan, but finding the motivation for any of these things when you feel like empty space is really hard.
  14. I found it hard to use this drug responsibly. The energy boost was pretty significant for me at first, but before I knew it I'd gone from 100mg to 600mg - it would get me through the day and then keep me up all night. I decided to stop taking it after I found myself unable to sleep for three days in a row and began to hallucinate due to sleep deprivation. Modafinil definitely improved my mood, energy level, and sociability but after about a month or two I found I needed more and more to maintain the initial "high" of the drug. If taken in the right dose and on a proper schedule (e.g. Every morning at 6AM WITH breakfast [it kills appetite for me personally]) it could be life changing towards confronting depression.
  15. I feel like I have brain damage. I've become so emotionally numb that I find myself listening to tunes that I used to listen to over and over again at my worst just to feel something at all.
  16. I put all the money I had into buying a new bicycle, I did my research wrong and the bike I ordered is too large. I can't put my feet firmly on the ground when sitting on the seat or going into a standing position over it. My whole plan for changing my life around in 2014 revolved around that darn bike, and now I have it and realized I've blown everything. $500 saved up over the course of a 2012 I spent mostly in conditions of poverty and it looks like I'm going to repeat the cycle all over again. I was going to use the bike to supposedly get fit, healthier, improve my mood and energy, give me something to do... And eventually as a means to an end as a form of transport for getting to and from a hypothetical job I was planning on getting in the future. The return and refund policy strictly states it can't be taken back under Australian consumer law... So I'm pretty stuffed there. 2014, here we go again.
  17. Wouldn't it? It didn't really even hit me at what I was hoping for until you asked. Can you imagine? A cure! Despite asking the question I couldn't actually imagine it until being asked myself. A cure! Just imagine the possibilities... My whole life would change. And as unlikely as it might seem, there really is a chance that it could happen sometime within my life time. It could happen tomorrow, it could happen in twenty, even fifty years. But it's there. It's hope.
  18. I think I do... Hell, even just a simple, cheap, easily available test to "prove" my depression would be nice. But seriously, a cure would be nice. I saw this video just now about a USB sized device on the way that will be capable of decoding a human genome: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqe45YhCAp4&feature=youtu.be Things like this make me sort of hopeful... I mean, if enough people get their genome sequenced, and apps/websites come out that allow us to give our medical and mental health history... Maybe some wise guys in lab coats will be able to pinpoint the cause of our mental ailments and fix them through a few gene modifications... Just wishful thinking while drunk... Peace
  19. A gun has proven very difficult to get hold of in my Country. (I tried the army but was prevented after a failed psych evaluation). Nembutal is incredibly hard to get hold of and I can't function long enough to scrape the money together for it even if I wanted to. I'm thankful for that, even though lately I've been frustrated with myself wishing I'd ended it all a few years ago when I'd realized things weren't really ever going to get better. I'm thankful because once in a while something happens that gives me a glimmer of hope, that maybe if I hold out just that little bit longer an opportunity to escape this dark place will present itself. But more than anything it's my family. I think about how I could actually, almost unbelievably, feel worse if my mother were to **** herself, and then I realize that's how she would feel if I committed suicide - and it's not something I ever want her to go through, even though I can't promise she wont.
  20. I stopped using Lexapro after (I think) about three months. I started off on 10mg a night first month and moved up to 20mg a night second through third month. I stopped using it because it wasn't really doing anything for me anymore. I noticed ages ago that it takes me a whole lot longer to climax and realized it was a side effect... Thing is, it's been over four, maybe five months since I stopped taking Lexapro and it still takes me a whole lot longer than normal to climax. I think that should be mentioned here, maybe in a sticky, because for a lot of men this is probably a huge factor they might skip over (My pdoc sure as hell didn't mention it, then again, I didn't read the massive pamphlet he gave me... But one of my depression symptoms was inability to read/concentrate for any length of time). Anyway, yeah, Lexapro will cause something akin to erectile dysfunction in a lot of men and that is a pretty big negative of this drug IMHO. I'm 21 years old and now I have sexual dysfunction issues on top of my depression. Thanks, psychiatry! I'll never touch an AD again as long as I live, however long that may be. Not worth it.
  21. This is a support forum, so I won't necessarily ridicule and demean you for cheating. I'm sure you had your reasons, but cheating wasn't a productive way of going about ending one relationship in favour of another. What you did went against your own personal belief system and now you're paying the price which is combined guilt and shame, hence resulting in depression. This is something that only time and a clean conscious will heal, go see a psychologist and get to work on it.
  22. Heard a few songs by the smiths so this song caught my eye. Never heard it until now, it's beautiful.
  23. Honestly man, professional therapy isn't all its cracked up to be. By all means try it, maybe you'll luck out. But in my experience a lot of therapists are... Well, to be blunt, a lot of therapists suck at their jobs. At least online you can find people that can relate. But still, online can't replace face-to-face human interaction - and with enough time and effort you're statistically likely to find a therapist that can actually help you. The only downside is it will be a lot of pain, effort and money spent in the process. Sad fact is, psychology and psychiatry are still in their infancy in the broad scheme of things and aren't anywhere close to an exact science. I personally regret ever coming out with my problems and seeking the help of a professional because the trial and error method is so god damned pathetic. So yeah, I think a forum can replace professional therapy because "professional" therapy is next to ****** useless. That's my honest opinion on the matter speaking from experience.
  24. Seeing a lot of music I recognize in this thread. Here's one I'm listening to now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_z_UEuEMAo (Nico - These Days)
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