FIRST, AN INTRODUCTION IN LIST FORM. I just turned 22 years old I have had dysthymic disorder for … I have no idea how long, but have been double-dipping into major depression pretty continuously for the last 6 years I've been receiving treatment, including meds, for the last 2 years. I live at home with my parents and am not independent in any way (except for having a min. wage part time job lawlz). My younger brother recently moved out and is going to college out of state and living on his own. Burn! D: I have been attending commmunity college for over 3 years but only have 1 year's worth of credits because I keep burning out and either failing or dropping everything. I don't care enough to go to class or do any work. Yep, I'm about to be suspended. From community college. I have no friends now because I chased them all off so they wouldn't be hurt when I finally turned suicidal ideation into reality (I was so close to it), but when I stepped away from the edge of that cliff, I didn't want them back ... because I don't deserve them and every moment spent with them fills me with guilt. So I'm alone. This is really bad because the only thing that stimulates me is being around other people. I've never been involved with anyone romantically or wanted to be. This wasn't a big deal when I was younger, but I'm reaching the age when people start getting MARRIED, and I've never been on a date?! Can't tell if I'm asexual or if it's just dysthymia doin' its thang I don't know what I want and I don't care about the future at all. When I give ANY thought to even the most minor aspects of it, I immediately become suicidal. I don't care, I don't want to try, I don't see the point. I feel like I'm not even meant to be alive, and I'll never be happy or have a life with any meaning. Does anyone? I feel like I've already wasted the good parts of life and from here on out it's just drudgery and fear. I'm an upper-middle class white girl living in suburban America. I've never suffered a day in my life. In fact, I've never done much of anything. This is hilarious because usually people have a list of reasons why they're so torn up inside ("x died, y cheated on and left me, I tried to do z and failed"), whereas I have … nothing. Why am I depressed? Because my life is a wasteland without value. And, er, there's a ton of mental illness in my family? I feel like I'm really pathetic and ugh so much shame. And this is a vicious cycle: I'm nervous about a lot of situations, meeting new people, etc because I'm afraid they'll see the yawning emptiness of my life. It already happens and it's so. awkward. so I end up avoiding things that could fill that void. I noticed a long time ago that I self-soothe with thoughts of suicide (it makes me happy and excites me, how sick is that?), but now it's become more subtle. I'm sabotaging everything in my life because the only thing that makes me feel truly happy/peaceful is failure/self-destruction. And after that first domino falls, I have the powerful desire to systemically knock them all over, just to see what happens at the end, when nothing is left ... AND YET, I know I'm getting better because now my "bad thoughts" only flare up any time anything even mildly unpleasant, stressful or disappointing happens, instead of constantly! This means I only plan my own death once a month instead of five times a day, every day! I'm not sure what the point of all of that was - I guess I just wanted to ~get it out there and share it~. But I'm taking a semester off (pretending it's voluntary when I'm pretty sure I'm suspended lololol) to get my act together. What would you suggest I do? So far my list consists of working and a lot of volunteering. And introspection to figure out what the heck I want out of life, because "to not be alive" isn't generally considered a valid answer to that question. Haha, a few years ago I had a brief episode of happiness and hope and made a list of 101 things I wanted to achieve in the next 3 years. I completed 3 goals. L O L. So I'm trying to be kind of conservative with goals this time around since looking at that list at the end of the 3 years was pretty triggering. I'm wondering if my decision to play it safe was a huge mistake. I stayed home after high school instead of venturing out into the world - maybe if I'd thrown myself out there I'd have learned to swim. I certainly couldn't have sunk any further than I already have. ADVICES PLZ?!