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Used To Be Me

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About Used To Be Me

  • Birthday 06/17/1982

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    Kent, uk

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  1. goodbye havehope. You have really helped me unlike any other on here. you'll be very missed
  2. How am I feeling? I'm enjoying feeling more solid, after weeks of panic and shame I am trrying to make changes to help my mania and depression. I am trying to be more calm, honest and not hide behind my sarcasm, and i still find my mind is pretty empty unless its making a joke, hopefully in time my brain will obey, open up and get used to this gear I felt all geared to change myself (if such a thing is possible) I tried to quit smoking and sugar, but my therapist said i was already taking to much on and told me to resume these. So i have, and now my self will to quit has vanished. i regret being weak, or not continue on trying and seeing if i failed How do i feel? terrified of not changing my patterns, or reverting back to them when i next get tested and lonely, but i get why my recent manic episode made most run for the hills. any sane person would. rebuilding is scary and not fun. but hopefully in time these two things will change :) - chris
  3. i apologise my net went a bit... squiffy and posted 5 of these
  4. HaveHope I swear when we last spoke it was about spinning less plates and focusing on yourself and i see instead you've gone to a banquet Where does one begin when at the beginning they were already a pretty bad mess. I am sorry you have not resolved work, and have this new problem which i'm sure eats into work and consumes your home time. Your mind must be exploding. So i'm gonna tell you from the bottom of my chewed up heart you need to turn that mind off. I worry what decisions your making, and how much you can trust any judgement you are putting into those decisions. And career and relationships are big decisions. Noone here can tell you to go to california. and personally i wouldnt want you in your job longer than you need to be, and worry iif your emotionally stable for a fresh start, but thats also a great fix for people. Here you have a place and parents, and your in the middle of (politely saying...) going insane with mind overload, and whether you work, quit, stay with the boyfriend, end it... your hurtling for a crash you haven't hit yet. I think one of these things being decided or the decision happens while out of your hands, and your gonna hit very bad. You know me, i think the world of you, but i'm gonna be honest when i see someone voluntarily swimming with crocodiles while they haven't learned to swim. I bet you can swim, but right now, in metaphor land.. not so much I cannot tell you about the relationship, we can all see how its affecting you, and people do stay together after therapy. I just know if i got to therapy i would have to ask how many signs of this isnt working before i leave. but he may be feeling drained or pushed away by how you are, and i would not add abuse into the mix, when things go sour, people want to push away as much as fix, and people do and say strange things in those moments, usually out of desperation. Its abuse if its controlled, my last ex was abusive for years, but my ex ex she went mental towards the end. A lack of coping led her to do some damaging things. simple fact humans are good at freaking out and being bad at humanity in desperate times but i am not there to see it, and cannot say it is one or the other, but maybe let you see things, but you have to calm to see it, to not crash as hard, to think. I am so sorry things have only got worse here are two questions noone else has asked. I think. are you equipped to be in a relationship? Can you cope with someone elses mind and yourself? are you mentally well enough to work? The great things about us humans is we adapt. we feel we can't. but gooddamn we do, as many times we are forced to I think if you make any choices you will regret them forever whatever they are, and look back and see that you were very sick at the time. and i think you are waiting for your boyfriend to make the choice, while you try to control your work world (your control at work is not as you see it, your boss is an impossible women, and all your efforts are like watching someone pour themselves away into someone who isnt listening) What you are experiencing is nothing short of hell. and reading the last few pages of how do you feel now is watching someone thinking and acting in desperation. And more amazingly, i think as this continues your going to get worse, probably doesnt seem possible, but damn it is. i stretched on stress for 2 years before i collapsed looking like a holocaust victim. The only question is how long until you collapse. collapsing is literally letting everything go. the job, the bloke as you can no longer find energy to stand in the real world don't hurtle into the ground it hurts and is a long hard road to recover from Right now you have some things going for you. your employed, and have a partner. they both probably seem awful for you and things you want to fix all at once, but a 3 min trip through these forums, you'll see your actually in possession of two things tons of people on here dream of. You've been in a bad place for quite a while, and the relationship was going to take strain. cause and effect or whatever. So as we cannot make decisions for you we might be able to get your brain to ask some questions Is this the worse your boyfriend has seen you how supportive is he when your at your worse (as like me, your gonna be up and down over long periods of time, which probably will never stop) Has the relationship been worth the fight your now giving it how much is want to always be with this person vs fear of not having someone, and right now you need support... not to prove your love, or whatever is being demanded of you here, it does not take much for a partner to see you were floundering pretty badly, and i feel it a sign of his ability to cope with it that he has managed to place loads more on your mind. but he probably has fear, you set a all in or all out on someone. i mean you don't just break up, you move far away, that would scramble my mind even back when i coped i hope you two can sit down and properly communicate,without fear, spite, or anyhting that this turn of events may have erupted from either of you and work... if i could make decisions i say... you need a different job. This one has destroyed you and continues to eat away at your confidence, maybe looking for another one is not a terrible idea, i do not know if you already are I hate that i didnt reply to your message, and to see things have whirlwinded in a frenzy since then, I cannot imagine what your nerves and mind are up to. I offer hugs, sympathy and all these things across a pond, and although thats all lovely, but right now the worlds largest group hug is not gonna resolve this. YOU are. When you want to drink alcohol on the couch, you should be TRYING to have a relaxing bath, read a book, anything, even if you get angry that you can't get into it and chuck it, it was a few mins for your brain to not be consumed The most important person in your life is YOU the person who will be there at the end of all this however it plays out is YOU and the only person who should be able to answer two questions to work or date is YOU and its become very complicated i hope you can seperate these things out with someone or on paper. and on here people are negative till someone becomes negative, then its all hope and rainbows. confusing. I want this to turn out best for you. and best for you has nothing to do with work or your bloke, its when you feel calm, strong minded, and ready for the world. but your in gear 6 from how i read your messages I want you to think if your too far highwired to slow your gears... You will survive whatever, and you will stand again. Your strong minded because your more thoughtfully minded, but the ability to thikn is a curse when our thoughts go supernova. things are in a mess and however things play out is no reflection of you, your are coping on the edge of your nails in some very messy situations. I really hope you climb on top. your only going to do that when you answer the two primal questions, without all the worry, futures, expectations, ideals, and destruction... do you want to be with this man? do you want to still work for this place? if you can answer those two, you'll know what your fighting for. as you seem to be fighting, in two rings without a decision of where its going. And thats only going to pull your head in two until others make that decision for you you are the puppet and the pupeteer. simplify this, and work out.... if this all goes to pan, your parents will support you and you can have a place to regather if you want these two things then you already have them, and can probably convey you want to keep them quite easily and dissipate the blind panic to worry I wish you luck, and i am not envious of your decisions or how your mind is. your loved here. your a person with heart and skills, your smarter and stronger than you think we all get lost, but if you don't know where your path leads, your gonna become very destructive and probably not see it. i hope this hasn't seemed like waffle and has done something in your mind and if your inbox is full... i can only imagine the advice your being given.. . we all get very emotional when we see people in pain, as we are in pain and want that affection when at our worse. but you need to grab some perspective before you drown under all the unanswerable realities probably circling an 9 million mph/kmh behind your forehead. and it is lovely to know when in trouble so many have rushed to your side :) but please don't let a million perspectives make you more confused. The fact you reach out with the inability to decide is a sign of how far you feel from control on any level in this situation. I too am a broken person, but i'll never tell you what to do or if your mind is right or wrong. all i can do is plant ways to see things. And all i see was someone who was already quite distraught.. whirlwind into a typhoon, in days. and i want to throw a net out before you worry to far and your mind breaks. The humaan mind will only tolerate so much stress before it shuts itself down to protect you, then you won't be able to think or or.. anything, you'll be confused and lost. in a whole worse way than while you can think on it try to find a way to calm, and make a decision on the two basic questions. do i still work here. do i still date him. make these decisions and a lot will become easier, and you'll feel motivated as your behind the decision. then buy yourself some chocolate, not just some bar, some big box, reward yourself :) i really wish you luck, i have been drowning before, but i got so lost in the bits surrounding my problems, i forgot to actually address them, or even see them, and they usually are simple decisions. There are some factors i should have asked like.. why if you keep this job do you end up in cali, and will it be under the same boss? the bloke: break and mourn vs fight and fix work: stay in a place you feel unappreciated vs hunting for work and whatever happens, you will emerge the other side and work with what you have :) i hate to see anyone in such confusion and frantic in what to do i hope whatever happens, you land on soft ground. we all care and we will all be here however this turns out - chris x x
  5. its a temporary trigger, last year it was walking dead and i forget the others... stupid now, but in the moment, they are real. so just for now horror films are no go. but seeing as a laugh for me usually includes aftermath and a serbian movie, i'll be back to them soon... j7ust for now.. no music... no movies... less problems :) AND TURBO KID IS AMAZING i love mad max pithy rip offs like the new barbarians, exterminators of the year 3000, endgame, equaliser 2000. post nuke is a love of mine and turbo kid got it so well. i haven't laughed that hard while admiring something so much in a while :) IF you like strong gore, many saw the hatchet trilogy, but noone watched laid to rest 1 &2. i think you'd like them if you haven't. made me remember why i loved slashers so much when i was younger. (i love a good slasher but many seem.. so samey i only occasionally dig them out, aside jason, freddy, michael and amazing gems like the burning)
  6. but i want in on that business. i'll be the guy that listens to a dictaphone and says every scratch sound is very very vaguely like some words. they're always my favourite of those people
  7. horror movies, bad taste, braindead, old italian movies and urotsukidoji. welcome to the site. these are awesome things, i'm loving blu-ray for all the old classics from demons to new your ripper to deadly prey being released :) welocme here, Right now horror movies are my trigger and thats so messed up. i have so many things to watch or catch up on. curse you depression. but once it passes, i'm gonna have a dark moviefest glad your on here, i hope you find the support you need or learn some cool new films to watch, wyrmwood was particularly fun :D - chris
  8. your not crazy. Well i find you quite sane :) i haven't had your experiences, and i know many people into the paranormal (i love it and cryptzoology, yet also kinda believe we think we're really special when we are just creatures and there is no afterlife) so my mind is a hypocrite. or likes playing with possibilities. I did not mean to dismiss you as crazy, but maybe you needed a bit more help. I guess i have just had a delusional state for a couple of weeks and this was eye opening and terrifying, and maybe i'm employing that information to other places. I didn't want you to think your nuts, just... I have regretted my post, and i usually do not. I know people deeply effected by strange events, and oterly things. I see it worries you though, or you fel like you have some power you have no idea for, like someone trying to catch a ball and dropping it. I take no definite standpoint to say your misguided or wrong, just look after yourself, work on the physical living you, and hopefuly in time if there is a role you'll be presented with it, or maybe you just get a window into something you cannot interact with or fully understand. I was more worried how this was affecting you, and you already have enough on your plate :) - chris
  9. Wow that is a mountain of a thread to catch up through. I have to reply. But everything i'm gonna write is going to get some hooked eyebrows. And for the best part, i claim atheism. but i'm not a close minded fool, and i wil accept i could be wrong. but all i know is if i have belief, the worlds cruelty makes me angry at a creator, so it is best i have no creationist, then this is just the chaos of how the world turned out, and i have to work how to be part of it, rather than waste time pointing fingers at beings that may not exist. Helps me keep going like faith does for others That out the way, i a going to begin with numbers. My brother has A LOT of problems. and at one time he had his number 73 moments. he became obsessed with a number, he felt he saw it everywhere., he believed it was guiding him somewhere. IT took me many hours to get him to calm to the possibility it was just in his head. We are human, and we look for patterns everywhere, we learn to make the world from patterns, its like how we find human faces in toast, and rock faces, we identify things from angles or shading. In honesty i find this more fascinating that the numbers obsession, but i asked him what his favourite number was, i forget is answer but i got him to admit he see's that more often in places, like numbers from his date of birth.. becuase he is significantly attached to these numbers. i asked him to pull a random number between 1 - 100 and asked him to really keep thinking on his number over and over. i left him the task that until we next spoke to tell me how much he saw that number, and after a couple of weeks he admitted now it was on his mind, he saw it everywhere without fail. its like buying a new type of car, you suddenly see them everywhere as your brain will see everything generalised (oh a load of cars) until something in our lives let something new amongst them stand out The number may have imporatance, it may be some sign from more, but it may just be your willingness to notice it, is all i am saying I cannot really identify with voices, my mind is a mess up there, and at times i get very lost in thoughts and they can have reactions in my real world, and at ny times i might have thougt i hear voices, i can at least understand the human mind is capable of making people believe they are gods and spacemen, so when i had arguments with voices i saw it as my mind, but cannot say its the same thing. I am not you I have been very close to death a few times, some from my own efforts, some from other things. Drowning and virus being the culprits. Its a large thing to comprehend. Facing your own mortality like this. For a while i felt i knew thing,s sensed things, but i also now wonder, now years on, if the changes i sensed were real, or how much the event changed me. Also we have to understand what the brain does when faced with death. It basically cannot handle this rationality so it floods your brain with any avvailable chemicals it has at its instant disposal. your brain s***s itself and to protect you basically sends you crazy. For this i wonder if any of my beliefs or realisations were more than reacting to a very serious event as well as to how my mind perceived this change, and what it got up to before people kindly got water out my lungs or kept me alive in a hospital. Plus i felt special (this may not be the best way to describe myself at the time) but this was an event few related to, and has a lot of open ended mysticism on. You touched death. Hell my mind goes to mad lengths to understand why a friend doesnt like me anymore. ITs gonna do a 6,000,0000 hurdle race trying to understand touching death. Now from here i can argue religion, coping, making sense of trauma... there are too many options but one thing i would like to point out to mo anyone who has touched on death. We feel special. Argue that word all you want, but its true. special for the experience or for being alive still. And that feeling of special (really a feeling of being different in a way people cannot relate to) can lead people to many strange things. I used it as an excuse to enjoy vices, live a bit freer, do things a bit more wrecklessly even. I thought i'm on a clock and i want to enjoy my life (up until then i had been very health conscious, but was hating every second, and drowning surfing allowed me to acknowledge my mortality to actually waste my life for a while. and after all those years, i'm at square one trying to quit things and be healthy. the point is i let this moment change me. in a second. i didn't tolerate people who mess with my heart or head, no time for them, it made me a different person. or maybe the same person with new attitudes. but there were nights i felt things strongly and i used to believe it was something driven by more than my beliefs, i did believe it was from a higher place. Not voices, just very strong feelings, but i felt backed by a traumatic experience and like i had som,ething with me since not dying. MAybe i do not know where to go from this point on.. really more make a point. If i told you my friend had had a traumatic experience close to death and that they might have had some serious problems coping with this event and had led them to seeing things, hearing people and seeing things you wither think, this persons head has been very mesed up and they need more help than people realise, or would you suggest they are in a warring middle ground between good and evil? I never like to blame the media, but influenes are influences. Ghosts movies are usually thanks to a conduit, and demon angel movies are usually mortal victims to help the battle for,,, whatever reason they are special to be picked. Books to poetry have recited this notion. I am just suggesting that when things we cannot be okay with, no mater what people say, cn have profound effects psychologically, but the main problem is we HAVE to find meaning in it. Not oh crap life can end anytime, we choose to look for much more in it. And that rabbithole on normal problems like why can't i like myself are battled for years by people on these sites. Being non religious, or more thinking religion is actual;ly dangerous and counter productive stops me believing i'm god while manic, or believing if there is sometrhing after this life it has anyything to do with notions we created. But when manic i have justifications that i will get away with anything bad i could do as i would talk the media and courts to my way of thinking. delusional. but thats the replacement or how others feel close to god or god themselves in mania. an absolving of consequence and a feeling of self righteousness in your own thoughts and actions. delusiuonal stuff. hate that i have it. But i do. and like you i believe its when our minds are tested, altered, broken, chemically wrong.. we can believe some messed up stuff. and where others fail to understand is we BELIEVED it. even now i see my last delusions, people can get that bit, but they cannot get i lived those feelings, they were VERY real to me This is all real to you To say life isn't strange, has weird stuff go on would be very closed minded, but i'm still after better solutions to explain it. or maybe i'm not willing to put any eggs in a basket that holds so little evidence for myself, but i am open minded that that evidence could crop up and i'll have a lot of word swallowing to do. I hope i have in no way belittled religion. its hard not to when i think about it a lot. My point to throw it in is to try to set a scene in your mind where you can really stop to ask if this is damage to a severe situation, or that you have been cherry picked for greater things. I hope its the first. You have a lot on your plate right now, and i am not sure you have the energy for a battle of gods and demons. I won't argue there is no god, but i will argue what your mind has made of believing in one and the path it has led you down sounding scary and a lot for anyone to bear.Real or not, the information in your head, the sense of something that is outright terrifying and catastrophic and some adverse reactions have led you to a scary place. and your trying to make sense of it. Who wouldn't. we can't not :) so... Until an angel hands you a sword and demands demons to be slayed. I would work at this from a psychological aspect. That you need help, and you need to find understanding in an event that would throw anyones mind miles off the track. Work on accepting or ridding the voices sounds good. not listening to them. All i have tried to say is the human mind is an incredible thing, from imagination, to belief to delusions to hallucinations. ITs a creative thing and it can do a lot we are still learning about. I want to believe your mind has stretched itself further than it should and your own beliefs, views and lack of understanding have created a world, and the world is comfy... because it makes sense to you. It gives purpose, importance, understanding, and reason behind how the event left you. But i think its a world you built on fragility to survive/cope. Which is no bad thing. b But accepting your sick may help faster than assuming your in gods battle on earth like we said its time to reground :) All i can say what you are going through, sounds lonely and scary as only you hear these voices, and the absurd must be shaped into understanding, its how humans cope. as or the being possessed to do things, feeling your body act involuntarily. It may not feel like you, but your speaking someone learning their own mania. I did and said things i would have found impossible to do whilst grounded. I often answered things that wernt how i think, but were in tht crazy moment. Fom epilepsy to tourettes there are many conditions that allow us to do things not ourselves. on one very lost night i wanted to cut my arm off with a circular saw, i was just to tired of the pain, and in a momnt of what seeemed reasoned clarity.. i was being a moron. All i am saying is people do things against their will. some of it has reasoning, some do not. My manis pops out i believe as a lack of knowing how to control my emotions, so i bury them, until they surface when i cannot emotioanally cope with things. and you have seen how long not beiong myself has ripped my mind open.. to a point of identity crisis. You seem a caring considerate poerson, but flip side to tat, like me, your crazier than a rabid pack of wolves on pcp. Thas fine. we let ourselves or life has led us this way. but i know your trying to get better, have therapy, and be the best you can again. i wonder if the urges or compulsions do do things out of your nature is like me, when the boiling water that is chris' brain bubbles over i can do things not myself, and you sound stressed, emotionally destroyed and in a place your not overly proud of being at this stage in your life. all i can say is i am, and it has found a new way of creeping into the world from my mind. I really wish you the best, to know you can do things that seem very insane, even to ourselves, we are wonderful of putting it in a box to be understood. i'm just saying you may want to keep it in a box, but leave the lid open. I believe have hope has enough things to work on for now without being a messenger of a forefather figure :) I hope this is all reversible. I try not to dismiss your faith, only dismiss how faith can shape a mind in how it sees things, and sometimes that hinders the work of seeing it from a different angle as always. just seeds for the mind :) - Chris
  10. Havehope Have hugs and this hot chocolate. it has marshmellows. oh hell. it has creame, chocoalate spray, and the mug has little arms so when you swig, you get a little face hug, dependingon the size of your face. i mean they might just poke you in the cheeks. either way the intenetion was good. if you dont like the arms use the other hand and they will face away and then the hot choloate will just look like an alarmed mug your dr... the purpose was to give you something warm, so you feel warmth. hell go make some tea or chocolate now! Warmth is good. get a blanket and wrap yourself close. You are not feeling love from the world. and like me maybe you hang to much on the expected decency of other human beings. but even my friends have reminded me, i can expect nothing from people, not even ones i kinow, but there are good people. and i am sure your parents, your bloke (for lack of a beter word) and others you know or have known have shown you in the battle of dark vs light, its like the night sky.. a lot less light, that just means they are gems rarer to find and hold onto. a message maybe i see now.. a little late. I digress We grapple to those we adore when we're happy, and feel a burden when apart, we don't see the happiness wirth them as we are overwhelmed by the outside world. the otherness. those people. all of them. and how much they can inflict upon who we are. I didn't used to care. years of systematically being shat upon hath led me here. but like robocop i'm gonna prove its somewhere in me. i'm just learning myself again. That i am me, and i'm kind and decent and F*** anyone who isn't maybe not so harshly. i might be nice. not because i'm nice. to know that ti will prevail to show good where they can't, maybe they'll learn something. Or is it conditioning, and i can't even be an a**h*** to a**h****? One thing i do know. is all that hope others will notice3 you. its in you. you know your good at something, hell your gonna go get better at it and be even more self sellable. i know your in your transition, but these are things that should be supports to ease you as you go on, but now your down, you feel you area hinderence. Your not. You've just got a bit.. lost Either way i choose to be good. And that i believem makes life harder. Yet it seems so simple. but people do not think or feel like others can. we got to much.... which in life might be the short end of the stick. but they won't ever get or feel what i do when.. f*** when i see pondskaters, or unntrodden snow. You feel too. the curse and the pleasure. why is that blue? okay i don't know what happened. you'll have to put up with it So havehope. you've been here before i am sure. you changed your name for a reason. that shows the cycle we fall into. and its amazing how when we come adrift it is hard to remember that it was eventually alright, and it took a little less over thinking, analysing, some self assurance, and having some goals :) I say these all as seeds. Seeds for the mind. That is for tomorrow. Tonight know your in pain, amongst many out here. and we all feel so alone, and could all do with a hug, yet are so condemned within our own minds we can't feel the pleasures of what we do have. It takes time. and while you continue to worry about this battle you have engaged in, i worry your spiral is not yet at the bottom. Whatever her hang up, whether she just doesn;'t like you, for any reason, your smell, your vibe, your body shape. who knows the inner thinkings of someone who at all liklihood is so stressed from work, or her own bitterness, worries or problems, and some put their happines by having it fed off others weaknesses. All guesses. All probably wrong. Emotions are imbalances for us. Sadly. The more.... i have to try to create a duality here. so pleas ebe patient. and fill in information if i am wrong. You intend to leave this place. and want a glowing reference. Now your idea is to drive the company forward, show initiative, streamline or imrove and have your ideas heard. Now for not one second am i saying these are bad things to either think look good or fill you with pride or help a company, maybe you feel motives from all 3. Now the duality is that what might lead to a glowing reference is being quiet and just mundanely being a cog in the work. Some people just like their worker to.. work. From an outside perspective, you felt you weren't heard at a time you were already not feeling great in yourself, this has driven through you like a steamroller with chainsaws on the wheel. You have let your great ideas be validated by this womans attention to them. In feeling more over time, which is inside you, you try to sort a meeting for middle ground. But you are the one FEELING all the wasted ideas, pride, not being heard. Your boss may just want to duck and hide. what i'm baldy trying to say is your making many of the moves to fix something your righteously struggling from a place of pain. I wonder if you trying to get this sorted by direct head on conflict is.. best for your health. If i were leaving the place i would feel this woman for whatever reason is a b**** or at least to me, but i'm leaving, so just avoid conflict. as she will probably be unaffected in your mind. but you may feel this is not resolved..... and thats where you get emotionally worse. I am not trying to say duck under the waves, you don't deserve to be heard. I am saying you may be in a place you won't be heard. no reflection of you. bad management. weak colleagues. But the more you play into this, and the people you work with and how they make you feel as a person, you are going to get worse i don't want that. You don't want that. I admit this is far longer than anticipated, but some people to us we feel alien from.. they are fish - like. I am hoping that my words feel.. leash fish-like. But work is work, and i have worked in twatty places of twatty cretinous being and i regard them all as fish like till i get to know some and think i might want to chat to this person. Its cold, and if i'm not full strengt5h i'll go in needing to be liked. but if i'm there, it lets me do it at how they do it. People saay people don't go to work to make friends, and some of your colleagues may be so alone that if someone talks to them they explode terror but exhibit it in a crappy way and run away. The world is full of many little moving parts, and i think you just see more of them than others do, and have a lot going on, and there are many steps to things you need to fix. and fixing work i believe is not focus. When i worry or panic, or go manic, i think far too much, and that is not thinking. Quietening your mind, grounding, reconnecting, and being in now is a process to achieve, but its where your energy needs to be. on YOU. i say this not as a small task. i hope you do some nice things for you, be kind to yourself, and know your going to get the extra skills. To a place where you are heard and people aren't fish people your core is a kind, giving, smart, idea filled individual, its just hidden under a lot of self questioning, and its time to let the mind rest, and come back to now. A sweet person, who wants to offer more in a place not open to it, has the chance to hang out with your folks, something i know to treasure, and have the warmth and kindness of your partner Your are the puppet. And the puppeteer. - Chris :) btw been up and down. withdrew for me. i'm starting to feel my strength. and see a lot of self work i have to do.. like being calm. which is actually a job i'd outsource if i could :) oooo the blue thingys is gone. Weird. bye blue background shader. You followed me so far till i had to go on alone, maybe it was best blue irritable paint behind your words shade thingey.... but yes, alone time. working on myself means me time :) .
  11. last year was codependency that i looked into, then the bpd, then the mania, depression, ptsd, traumas. my head is fried. completely fried. i'm just empty. my brain know that when it goes manic it comepletely screws my life, so my brain is aware it f***** itself, and is scared to think. or the mania just did to much and now my brain is shutting itself down to recover I just want to not wake and feel panic for about 3 hours which becomes depressive. So much shame. and as i drained all my friends while manic, which io don't really remember, i have lost everyone. well a few have said they cant help while i'm down but will be there when i'm up. so yay. just have to ride out the depressive episode thinking all my friends have had enough, essentially this happened aabout 7 years ago, but i was a mess for a year. but it has been 2 months i guess. just trying to get through days at the moment. And i really want to apologise to the girl i met while manic, she opened up to me, and i couldn't...be me. just this joke machine of endless energy who thought everyone can be happy. So weird . F*** mania, and my inability to cope, my head just goes overactive and my emotions all go through the roof. My therapist tries to tell me i was still not bad in htis,no overspending, just being very terrified whiilst feeling insanely happy. and its completely overloaded my brain, but this isnt the first time. just i used to wake and think.. i can't think. on who iam. facts i know. sequences. and been terrified. when i calm or start to feel happier, they will begin to return. but it is scary. i'm so far from who i was. all i tell myself is i was doing well, on my meds. i just didnt see this coming. and it will take months to revover from several weeks of endless energy The coke was metaphorical. I have enough issues in my life without drugs or alcohol. Maybe a lip loosener on anxiety ights, but thats it. The mania felt like i was on a million lines of coke. so no actualy coke. but i do like pepsi :) i hit rock bottom, i wa in the middle of building my lif,e for the 7th time in my life. i can't do an 8th. not if there are chances i'll just come off the rails. the last person who knew was me. yesterday i had a freind say she talked to me for 4 hours in her room and kept telling me i was delusional. but being in delusions is not delusional. its belief. it might make NO sense. but in mania, everything is very real, my stupid unwarranted love for a new girl, the want to fix people, then the fear of it all going wrong, before it even had i'm just terrified. i was getting hopeful about my future. i''m sure i will be. but i hav so many things to juggle coping wwith, and now it turns out if i drop any ball for a second, i drop all the balls and go mad can't even admit to myself i'm depressed as my brain fights to get up, i'm just sat, ashamed, paniced, and lost of what i am capable in energy and misery. And i was single for 2 years to grow some independanence, so co-dependency is less, but the mad fear of abandonment. i have to rise above it after all my friends turn their back once i fall back to reality. poor Barstewards. they didn't deserve my insanity, and i cant even remember what i said, but i said it. a lot. at super speed. while a mess WHY DID NOONE SEND ME TO HOSPITAL cry time
  12. Novangel, so sorry i hadn't checked on here for a while. prior to the manic attack, i guess hadnt been great, i'd got my not so much of a life into a good routine, then had to have an operation to remove the metal plate, after the op a lot of people tried to call me the first few days, and i was really out of it and sore, when i tried to get more in otuch after the initial mindbreaking pain, no one really communicated, and friends moved or grew into relationships, and i was in a room in the country for about 3 months. I wasn't driving but starting to get better at 3 months, then my brother who is mad, all the time, had one of his weirder nights, obsessed wioth noises of neighbours while he makes none (4 flats, always obsesses) was taken to a psyche ward by police. MY family just sit stunned and apart, so as i calm him, i was sent to deal with him. I had been quite balanced for a year, but the lonliness, then my brothers insane conversations and keeping calm, then my sister who flew from malta to do a talk broke down the next day as noone had booked. Then my mum blamed her... I did a lot of mediating. after just alone in a room, then met a girl and went to the moon in my head. Thinking too fast. Not bonding, joking. Then what goes to fast drerails. and i went deliusional. And now i sit with.. my mind is blank, people talk to me and i have nothing, i feel i have no identity now, and question my mind, it doesnt want to think, and i'm now aware how this confidence i can often pull out to go out, is actualy dangerous, and in my first ever.. a good seeming thing can send me off happy manic.. till i'm a crashed heap But if i told you abount the months prior to the op, i was doing well, but there was great unrest around me I'm no longer helping people with their messes. And everyone has run a million miles on me after breaking so badly and involving anyone i knew, frantic messges of belief, then regret, then understanding delusions, to understanding my emotional breakdowns are manic episodes. 2 months of so up, to so lost, to so down. and i miss the girl that made me go mad. because she was awesome in who she was, and being a joke hopping lightning minded like i was on on a million lines of coke chris, wasn't the deep connection we should have made. balls I have no life, and no friends, but maybe this is just the opportunity to rebuild my life. Again. but do it with some knowledge and avoiding some mistakes. could really do with some of my friends though - chris
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