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Sir Robin

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  1. I feel rotten. I didn't sleep well last night (I think because I unwittingly consumed a beverage with a lot of caffeine late yesterday evening) so I got up for a while and had breakfast. After I ate I immediately felt tired again and went back to bed, slept for 2-2.5 hours, then was in like a half-asleep, half-awake stage for an hour or so. After that I just lay in bed a couple more hours. Tried reaching out to friends who didn't answer. One friend answered but now I think she's mad at me. That's all I need. I would give anything not to have to go to work tomorrow. I am sick of my boss and sick of the pressure. Also sick of not doing the job I was hired for because of THEIR screw-up. Should apply for a different job but depression sucks all the energy out of me.
  2. I can totally relate. I have good friends but it seems like whenever I really need them they are nowhere to be found. Like right now. I really need to talk to someone and everyone has vanished.
  3. Ugh. I am about at the end of my rope. I have been trying for a month and a half to get new CPAP supplies. As soon as my new insurance went into effect on December 1, I contacted my supplier (Lincare,) gave them my insurance information, and asked them to send my new supplies. They sent a new tube and water tank, but not what I really need, which is a new mask, cushion, and headgear. So I called back and some guy said, "Oh yeah, I show that you're eligible for all that stuff, you want me to send it?" Well what do you think, Sherlock?! So I waited and waited and still nothing came. So I called a third time and some woman told me, "Oh, we were waiting for your insurance to authorize the shipment, and they did, but no one took it off the hold. I'll take it off the hold and they'll go out today." Waited ANOTHER week and STILL nothing. Called last night, some other woman answered, put me on hold, came back and said there was only one person still in the office who could tell me what the hell was going on, and he couldn't talk to me but he would call me back. Well we all know how that goes. Called again this morning and was told the order is apparently STILL waiting for my insurance to approve because no one there has SUBMITTED A REQUEST TO MY INSURANCE TO APPROVE IT. But she was going to email them and tell them to get on it "ASAP." I am going to call in the morning, demand a supervisor, and raise holy hell. This is ridiculous. Anyway... the reason I'm writing this is I'm hoping someone here can recommend a better supply company or method to get my supplies. Some other people online have told me they don't even bother with their insurance, they just buy the stuff themselves off of Amazon or eBay. I don't see why I should pay $160 a month for insurance and then not even be able to use it to get medical supplies. Help?!?!
  4. Thanks to both of you for your responses. I would've looked at them sooner except the email notifying me was diverted into my spam folder and I just found it today. I am going to try applying for two jobs in the near future. One is the thing I interviewed for last December and didn't get. Although to me it seems counterintuitive, I'm told that I should actually have an even better shot this time around since I was apparently a finalist last time. The other is in another city, which would pay up to $22/hour; wouldn't be my first choice of occupation but you gotta do what you gotta do. Making matters worse, however, is my utterly clueless jack wagon of an old man. He called me yesterday and told me he is "frustrated" that I don't have a job yet, and I'm "embarrassing" him because people in my hometown ask him how I am doing and he has to tell them I don't have a job. (Oh the humanity!) He also said he was considering changing his will to give all his money to my brother when he finally kicks off because I "don't seem to even want to get a job." The icing on the cake was he tells me he is "worried about my self-esteem." I'm no psychologist but I'm pretty sure if you want to improve someone's self-esteem, you DON'T do it by belittling, insulting, and chastising them, and talking to them like a 12-year-old. (I'm 42.) I am in a completely hopeless situation with him. He has NO idea what I am going through, and I told him so. But the old Barsteward only hears what he wants to hear. Funny, just yesterday I went and saw my therapist for the first time in months because my anxiety was at a boiling point, and I told her I felt guilty because there are times that I wish my old man were dead. If he were dead two of the biggest problems in my life would instantly be solved. First, I would come into a sizable amount of money (accumulated over the years because he was a miser and rarely took us on vacation or did anything else to enjoy life.) Second, I wouldn't have to listen to his abuse anymore. And the way I see it I deserve that money because I took a LOT of emotional and verbal abuse from the SOB over the years. To my surprise (and relief,) my therapist told me that considering the circumstances, it's perfectly understandable that I wish the old man would die.
  5. I was going to title this topic "Depressed because of my job situation" but the truth is while that's a big part of it, it's still only part. I've been out of work for nine months now. Last October I up and quit a terrible job because I absolutely could not stand it anymore. I was making less than $24K a year and I decided (or perhaps realized is a better word) that the tremendous stress wasn't worth the damage to my health. My plan, of course, was to find a new job within a month or so, tops. Instead, here I am. I interviewed for something last December that I didn't get; I applied for something a few weeks ago with the same company and this time I didn't even get an interview. I have burned through savings, my tax refund, a (small) 401K and am now going to have to dip into another, larger 401K. They say you're not supposed to worry but I have been worrying for years about my financial situation. It scares me because it seems like in order to retire you need to have several hundred thousands of dollars saved up, and even then it's not enough. I hear news stories about old people who lose $100K to a scam or a bad investment and all I can think of is, "If you have that much money, isn't that enough? Why would you risk it trying to make even more?!" I feel like if I had $100K I would be set for life. Invest enough to get a monthly dividend check and relax. One of my reassurances to myself is that, "People wind up broke all the time, because of divorce, or freak accidents, or bad insurance, etc., and they bounce back, so why can't I?" It helps sometimes and sometimes it doesn't. Let me explain. So now that I know I'm not going to get an interview, I decided the best thing to do was to look at going back to school and getting a degree or certification so I can do a specific job. So I went and looked at an article about the best degrees to get to find employment. You see, I already have a BA degree that seems useful only as a paperweight. Anyway, this article had some stats that literally provoked an anxiety attack in me. It said the average income for someone with a Bachelor's degree is $61K, while the average for someone who only graduated high school is $37K. I was astounded. The most I have ever made at a job was $15/hour, or a little over $31K. (And that job I only had for about two months due to a BS government bureaucratic snafu that was 100% NOT my fault.) When I read that stat I became so upset that I almost started crying. My whole adult life I have been absolutely scraping by. The average I have made over the years has been about $11/hour. Now I'm being told that I make less than someone who only went to high school?! I am completely lost. All my life growing up I was told by my parents I had to go to college because that was how you succeeded in life. So I went to college and got a degree and it's gotten me nowhere. When I was married my wife was always complaining that there were jobs in her company she felt she was qualified for but couldn't get because she didn't have a degree. Well I have a degree and 95% of the time I can't even get an interview! I worked at one company where there were all sorts of people who didn't have a degree, but started in an entry-level job like data entry and moved up the ladder. Well I went and worked in data entry for a year and a half and, once again, most of the time I applied for something I couldn't even get an interview. There was another profession I worked in for four years. I left that profession and after a while I decided to go back to it just because I was sick of being turned down for interviews because I didn't have experience. Once again, 95% of the time I can't get an interview! Then one time I was finally offered a job in that field. They wanted me to move to another state, to a remote, rural area where I would not have known anyone except my co-workers... for $11 an hour. I turned it down. I am so frustrated right now that I am fighting back tears. I just want to go stand on a building somewhere and scream at the top of my lungs, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?! I CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT ME TO DO, JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE! TELL ME WHAT TO DO AND I'LL DO IT!!" A high school graduate is supposed to be able to make $37K a year? I would **** somebody to make $37K a year. What am I supposed to have done that I'm not doing?! Can anybody tell me?! I feel like life is a waste of time at this point. It's like my life is a game of Scrabble and all I ever get is one letter that I'm supposed to make up words with, and then everyone says, "Well he can't make a triple word score with one letter, he's not even worth looking at." People say I can't give up, but I feel like I'm so far behind in the race that reaching the goal line is all but impossible at this point. What did I miss? Where did I make this wrong turn that doomed me to a life of scraping for pennies? Some say that life isn't about how much money you have, money can't buy happiness, etc. There's a big difference between not being able to keep up with the Joneses and barely covering your rent. I don't know what to do anymore.
  6. Hi friends, it's been a while. Why, you ask? Well, long story short I hadn't been on the site much because I was so overwhelmed and overstressed by my job. Then two weeks ago, I just up and quit one day. They finally pushed me too far and I decided enough was enough and I walked out during my morning break, never to return. While this did remove a major source of stress from my life, it also caused some major anxiety until I was able to talk to some people and bring it (relatively) under control. So my initial thought was that, of course, I needed to find a new job in this area. But then I thought that maybe it's time I finally went after that "fresh start" I've been talking about for years now. I'm not getting any younger, so why am I staying here where I am (generally) bored out of my mind? Answer: because it's comfortable. And maybe that's exactly what I need to get away from. I spent the past weekend at the home of my brother and his family. My brother is a psychiatrist, so I was hoping to get a little support from him. Alas there was none to be had as he refuses to even discuss my situation; he feels I should've taken a job I was offered a year ago that I decided against, and for good reason. You'd think a shrink would be a little more empathetic. Then again maybe it's just a "bus driver's vacation" kinda thing. While this may sound like the definition of insanity, I am seriously contemplating a move to Las Vegas. I'm sick of cold weather and I want to live somewhere where there's some excitement, and hopefully more opportunity to find a job. (Scratch that, I should say "to find a job that doesn't make me wish I were in a coma.") My other two possibilities are Florida or Virginia/North Carolina. The latter would be a nice option since I love Washington D.C. The problem (as I tried to explain to my brother but the egghead wouldn't listen) is that at any given moment I am in serious danger of either A) being overwhelmed by anxiety and fear and/or B) being overwhelmed by trying to figure out whether I'm making the right decision. Some people have no problem with just pulling up stakes and moving somewhere and then, if they find they don't like it, pulling up stakes again and going somewhere else. I, on the other hand, utterly loathe moving, which is why I've spent the last four years in an apartment that I initially said I would live in for no more than a year or two, tops. So I'm trying, trying to convince myself to get something figured out right away. I'm afraid that if I take another job in this area I'm going to fall back into my old rut and routine. On the other hand, the idea of moving halfway across the country without a job or anything at all lined up scares the bleep out of me and it's so much easier just to play video games and ignore the problem. But I also know I can't keep doing that. Any help or advice would be appreciated.
  7. Well to explain what I did today, I have to tell you what I did a couple weekends ago. Some friends and I went out and played 45 holes of disc golf in one day, and 18 of those holes were on a particularly challenging course with a lot of steep hills. Needless to say I could barely move the next day. Thing was, though, a day or so later I noticed some itchy spots on my legs, which I figured were mosquito bites. But the itchiness didn't go away and eventually I started getting red patches of irritated skin. Went to Urgent Care and we determined that rather than mosquitoes I probably came into contact with poison ivy or oak that day. They prescribed some topical ointment, antibiotics, and a five-day course of the steroid prednisone. For a few days I had my very own "roid rage." It was like taking two or three of those god-awful 5-Hour Energy drinks at once when that drug kicked in. Hard to sit still at a desk (which is not fun because working at a call center I have to wear a corded headset so I can't move around much) and at times my hands would even tremble from all the energy racing through my body. Anyway, what I did today was I took a shower to get as much of that gunk off my skin as possible, then I washed my bedsheets in case any of the oil or venom or whatever you want to call it was still there. And whenever I wash my bedsheets I always flip my mattress, which was probably overdue because my back has been bothering me anyway.
  8. Well it's a funny story that's not very funny. I went to the company's website to apply for the job, and it wasn't listed on their list of openings. So I texted the guy and said, "What gives?" He said he would check the next day. The next day he got back to me and said they're not listing it just yet, which baffles him since he knows they have a lot of need for that position. Who knows? I've been applying for other stuff but no luck. And it's really starting to bother me because 3/4 of the people that were in our department have found other jobs within the company, and when I apply for those things I can never even get an interview.
  9. "When danger reared it's ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled!" "No! I never did!"
  10. Haven't you seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail? If you haven't, you need to NOW. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200, see it NOW.
  11. Okay folks, I need some guidance. A woman I work with is married to a train engineer. Early this morning a young woman committed suicide by jumping in front of his train. Even worse, she looked directly into his eyes as she was being hit. As upsetting as that is, I am a bit more upset that when I informed by brother of this incident via text message, his response was, "That was an act of selfishness and cowardice." I would be bothered hearing this statement from anyone. In fact for a while I wouldn't speak to the woman in question because she said something similar. Eventually however I decided to tell her how I felt and that while she had angered me I was willing to agree to disagree with her on it. But what bothers me about my bro saying it is that he is a psychiatrist. I would hope that someone who has made it their life's work to help people with mental disorders and mental health issues would be a little more empathetic. Now don't get me wrong. Suicide is an awful, awful thing for the survivors. I remember the punched-in-the-gut feeling I had when a friend of mine from both high school and college took his life with a shotgun over winter break one year. But it makes me wonder what he would be telling my niece and nephew about me today if I had given into the urges myself, and I've come close a few times. Would he show them my picture and say, "This is your uncle. You never got to meet him because he was a selfish [expletive.]"?! In fairness one friend of mine who I spoke to about it said that's not an unusual response for a psychologist or psychiatrist to have. Nonetheless I consider it to be shortsighted and unsympathetic at best. I just don't know how to address this. I could call him and tell him how I feel about it, but probably that's just going to lead to an argument. Truth be told there's a couple other things he's done over the last few years that have really gotten under my craw but since I see him so infrequently (he lives in another state) that I never want to bring them up when I do get a chance to see him. Maybe it's time we had it out. Actually there's been a lot of times over the years, especially since my divorce, that I've wanted to reach out to him for some help with my own issues, but I feel like if I do he's just going to tell me it's all my own fault and everything would just be better if I pulled myself up by my bootstraps. I don't know. Maybe I should just stop caring. Sure seems like he has.
  12. I've got news that I don't know if it's good or bad. A guy I worked with at a previous job, who I've become pretty good friends with, wants me to apply at the place he works now. It would pay more, and it would mean no more nights/weekends. But it would also be somewhat similar to the job I have now - in this case, being a service rep for professionals who are having problems with the company's software. I guess anything would be better than what I have now though.
  13. Okay, right up front, I'm going to admit something embarrassing. Even though it's something I'm sure 95% of the population does, I still feel self-conscious about it, and I even had trouble admitting it to my therapist yesterday when I told her the story. So here goes - I look at "X-rated" stuff online. There, I said it. So here's the thing - the other night I came across a video that looks like a genuine, honest-to-god sex tape. i.e. it's not something professionally made, just a regular couple engaging in the mating ritual. Some guy and his wife or girlfriend just set their camcorder on the dresser, hit "REC" and went to town. Then they uploaded it to the Internet. So why am I telling you about this? Because it stirred up a lot of feelings in me. There was genuine passion between these people. An actual connection. And it just hit me because it's been so long since I've felt anything like that. It's been years now since I've even had a date. I'm like a race car driver whose engine conked out at the starting line. And I just don't get it. Okay, I'm a bit of a nerd, I'm overweight, and I sure don't look like Brad Pitt. But everywhere I go I see people who are all of these things and more and they're not single. My "internet girlfriend" in California tells me I should move out there because women would be all over me. Maybe, but I've been told that plenty of times even as I lived here. It doesn't help that almost every day at work I have to see my "work crush." I thought I had made up my mind that there was nothing there anyway. Maybe I just always want what I can't have. Maybe it's just that I focus on her as a way of lifting myself out of the tedium and soul-crushing stress of my job. I am so attracted to her physically and emotionally that it's maddening. So many times I see her and I just want to go up to her and put my arms around her. She walks past my desk and I dream that she stops and puts her arm around my shoulder and squeezes me, then kisses my cheek, then goes along her way. And the other people in the office look at us and smile, thinking warmly of the special relationship she and I have. (And some of them no doubt would roll their eyes and say, "Oh, get a room already.") This of course is complete fantasy. Because I wasn't willing to try asking her out while we worked together, she went and started seeing some guy. They've been together like a year now. What's particularly frustrating is that I've seen her with him at the store a couple times and he is also an overweight nerd like me. Unlike me he is practically bald. So I can't help but think that maybe if I'd have gotten a chance she and I could've ended up together because obviously looks aren't a big deal to her. (That may sound like I'm slamming him but I'm really slamming myself more.) And the truth of it is it may very well have not worked anyway. I think she wants to stay in this area and I'm looking to get out. I love horror movies and she prefers Disney garbage. Plus there's a bit of an age gap between us. But the thing is I never even got a chance. I never seem to even meet anyone who's single anyway, and even fewer single women who will give me the time of day. I'm not "too picky" by any means, but I do have some standards. I'm not going to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. But even when you don't want to go to the party it's nice to get invited once in a while. Part of me says I shouldn't even be talking about this on here because it's not really about depression, it's just me whining about not being able to score. But this all feeds into itself. I've been told that you have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you, but I feel like if no one else loves me, there must not be anything worth loving. I don't know. Who cares. I'm a hopeless case anyway.
  14. This isn't stuff I've done today, but I don't think I've reported it on here on the days I did do it, so I'm reporting it now. Over the last few weeks I have applied for a total of six different jobs in five states, two of which I've never even been to. That's a big deal for me. They are pretty much all long shots, but I won't know unless I try. I've got to do something to get out of here.
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