Thimble reacted to DeeBear for a blog entry, Cold Fire
I am exhausted. Unfortunately, that's not new. I've been exhausted for so long I don't remember the last time I felt well. My body is on fire from fibromyalgia pain, and I've simultaneously felt the icy cold, jittery, vibrating sensation of anxiety. Like grabbing an electric fence. And holding on to it all day. Cold fire.
On this day in 2015, the doctors removed my grandpa from life support and I watched him slowly drift away.
I've been thinking for some time now that my heart can't be broken again, but I was wrong. Each time you break a stick in half, it gets harder and harder to break again, and I had foolishly convinced myself that the same was true of my heart, but today has proven me wrong. That which doesn't **** you sometimes hurts you for the rest of your life. And I still have the anniversary of my father's death coming up soon as well. It's going to be a white knuckle ride getting through this month.
Every year the same milestones come and go, and nothing changes, nothing gets better, nothing gets easier... I feel like I keep driving past the same milestones over and over again but still I'm surprised at how hard it is to watch them go by. I guess I'll just have to give up on the idea that life will get better. It wasn't meant to get better for me. I'm just running out the clock.
Thimble reacted to DeeBear for a blog entry, Tired.
I am so tired.
My body feels like it's on fire. Roasting from the inside out.
Each spring I work to build myself back up, to get outside and be active, but each year it gets harder and harder. I've been in pain the last couple of days, since I mowed the yard. Not only is my energy lower than ever, I keep taking longer and longer to recover when I have triggered my fibro. If it feels like this at 47, I don't know how much more I can take. And my mood...is terrible today. I kept waking up in a sweat last night and I feel like I didn't get any rest. I do not have a fever, and I didn't eat anything that would drive my blood sugar up, so I don't know why that's happening.
I feel like my dreams are wilting and dying. I don't have the energy to accomplish much of anything. I'm just so sick of fighting it all.
Thimble reacted to DeeBear for a blog entry, Antiman
I have been thinking about blogging here again for quite some time, but I kept putting it off. I just don't feel motivated to do much of anything, much less blogging again. My world has shrunk down to almost npthing. People I worked with for a decade now pass me by as if I'm a stranger. I haven't seen or heard from the few friends I had in a very long time. I am now alone. I guess I feel as free as I can now, no longer living in fear of social interactions.
But...I can't escape sorrow, only parts of it. I miss several people I was close to that have passed away, but I can't allow myself to let anyone new into my life. The last person who I let in was a friend who fell in love with me. I didn't feel that way about her, and I still feel guilty about distancing myself from her, but I had to, for both me and her. I don't think I'm even capable of romantic love anymore. When someone starts getting close, I run away. I am antiman - the opposite of man. I am only alone when I'm around others. And like antimatter contacting matter, I feel like letting others in would result in total annihilation.
I'm just not a social animal, and mostly I'm okay with that. I am afraid of being vulnerable, of needing the help of others, because there's no one in my life that I'm close to except my parents and my dog. Losing my dad when I was ten broke my heart. Losing my grandpa in 2015 broke it again. I don't know how to heal from it. Five years later, I still feel like the wound is fresh. I feel like I'm just waiting to die. I just hope the other side is better than this. If it's not...I guess I'll be a failure in the afterlife as well.
Thimble reacted to Orso for a blog entry, Extra Long Time, No Read/write/etc.
Wow, I feel like I fell down the rabbit hole reading those old entries.
I am now an acupuncturist and just completed a herbal medicine diploma to go along with it. I have to write a board exam for acupuncture this yr & the herbal medicine one will follow next yr.
Over the yrs I've switched therapists, gone to school full time and worked at some small jobs part time. Depression and anxiety seem to have been around all this time. I am really tired of both of them. I need to get rid of them.
Thimble reacted to thursdayschild for a blog entry, Why I'm Like This
First of all, I feel like crap today. I think it's partly because I have a summer cold, but it makes my depression seem worse.
Bupropion XL was working for me, but I couldn't sleep and had horrible restless legs. So I was switched to SR five weeks ago. This is NOT WORKING. The energy boost the XL gave me is non-existent and I feel very unmotivated and unwilling to do anything.
I think it all boils down to always feeling like an outsider. Trying to do all the things I'm supposed to do but feeling like a failure. I got married. That didn't make me feel grown up. Without a degree, I managed to claw my way into a decent career. But it's not good enough. I finally bought a house. I should feel like I've arrived. But the responsibility is overwhelming. I live in a nice neighborhood with professional people, people who have the money to do renovations and have lawn service and everything. I feel like all that is expected of me. But I can barely make ends meet. I'm not young. I'm not where I "should be" in life. I don't even feel like a grownup and yet I have an AARP card. How crazy is that?
I feel like nobody likes me. I am awkward socially. I am quiet, don't have much to say. I don't get "small talk" and I'm not good at it. People are polite to me, but not chummy like they are with other people. I feel like I'm trapped in this persona, I want to say - hey I'm in here, talk to me, be my friend. I've felt this way all my life.
There was so much I wanted to write but I'm stuck. I don't know where all the words went. They say that when you're depressed you think you are inferior to others, well I really am!!!!! I don't just think it. I am it.
Thimble reacted to nibsy for a blog entry, Day One
Well this is my first day on DF and i am suprised how genuine you all are , i even managed to comment on some of your posts. I feel good today "even though i,ve had no sleep". I hope i get the balls to open up at some point and gain the benifits of all of your advise and experiance.
Thimble reacted to qwerty21 for a blog entry, I'm Okay
In recent weeks I have been feeling better than earlier. I'd say I'm not depressed anymore. I'm taking mood medication so that might affect. Also my Crohn's has improved slightly. I'm eating like a powder that I bought from pharmacy. I stir it into yogurt and it's just like muesli so it tastes okay, so that actually has helped my disease so I'm feeling better mentally too. Finally the third thing that has maybe helped me is getting back to poker, my old job. I consider it a hobby now though cos my disease makes it harder to play. I have no girlfriend at the moment or just friends even. When I play poker, I'm concentrated on that and I don't feel lonely. Also I have been doing okay at it, I have won some money.
Certainly things could be worse. I listen to music. I like Kanye West particularly. Music definitely lifts up my spirit. I like myself. My money situation is good. I am confident that I can live a moderate lifestyle without running out of money till I die. Moderate lifestyle meaning that I can still go to a restaurant sometimes or buy like one item per month that I don't really "need". This paragraph became a little incoherent, haha, sorry about that.
I am supposed to follow a pretty strict diet so that could make my Crohn's a bit better. The problem is that I'm too lazy/too self-indulgent to follow that. That is just my decision. It's like if I made the effort and started to follow it, I would have to do that for the rest of my life. And I think that's just not me, that's too hard for me. That's my decision. This is my life.
I'm hopeful that a new medication will help me. It has not been started yet for me, but soon it will be. I guess the point of this blog post is that my Crohn's could be better, but it has been worse. And my mood could be a little better, but it could be a lot worse.
Thimble reacted to Nataya for a blog entry, Dear Fellow Bloggers
I read everyone's blog but comment little. I am always afraid my words aren't wanted or needed. Then I don't know what to say.
But I just want you to know I think of you all yes some more than others but I care for each of you and always wish the best. Know I am reading in silence and on your side.
Thimble reacted to No1Cares for a blog entry, I Did It
I just submitted an application for a job that would be a good fit for me. I think it took me longer to press submit that it took to go over my resume and fill out the application.
I sat in front of my computer and debated with myself.
Reasons to apply:
1. As I said in my previous post, I cry most mornings when I get to work.
2. I cry when I get home because I know I have to go back.
3. I'm very stressed out.
4. I need to make a dr appointment because my Wellbutrin doesn't seem to be working and I think it's the job making my depression worse.
5. I feel no desire to actually accomplish something at work. I spend my first hour watching youtube videos
6. I'm sick of the fact that anyone can take off when they want, but when I ask, no one else can be off and it can't be the end of the month(our busiest ship day). There can be two people off when I'm working, but I can't take off if only 1 person has off. The way my boss acts when I ask for a day off makes me feel like it's a burden that I take off.
7. I don't feel appreciated anymore. I feel like I'm there just to get the higher ups their bonuses. Sales asst manager gives you a donut for coming in on a weekend (that you were supposed to have off) to get the last monthly shipment out the door. Ooh, a donut. I hope you enjoy that bonus you will get. I'm sure it's not just a donut.
8. I binge eat when I get home. Some people drink to make them feel better, I eat.
Reasons to stay at current job:
1. Social Anxiety (having to interview and getting used to new people)
2. Anxiety of having to hand in a 2 week notice
3. Having to deal with my direct supervisor try to persuade me to stay. Or have him try to dissuade me by telling me it won't be any better anywhere else. Plus I think I'll get a bit of an attitude after handing in my notice.
I don't know why I'm even weighing the pros and cons. I'm sure nothing will become of the application. Just some lost time on my behalf. I don't have a life, so I guess that time really doesn't matter.
Thimble reacted to Kat93 for a blog entry, How My Depression, Anxiety And Ocd Feel To Me.
I've been wanting to write a blog on how my depression, anxiety and OCD feel to me. I read so many articles, blogs, view YouTube videos and so on about how depression, anxiety and OCD feels, and none of it fits with how it works for me. I've wanted to write this blog for a while on my personal blog site, but because there are still family and friends in my life who don't know I have depression, anxiety, OCD or am even on tablets and receiving CBT for the former two, I thought it more appropriate to share it on here, which is a community of people who genuinely understand. I shall now speak of my depression, anxiety and OCD.
I have watched that video of the black dog who weighs you down (the black dog being a metaphor for depression) but it never resonated with me. That wasn't how I viewed my depression. Sure that's how depression works and it's how I did feel in some respects, but for me depression is so much more. Maybe it's because I view my depression and anxiety work along side by side so much that my head feels like it works differently. For me my depression and anxiety feel like a household fire alarm with a faulty battery that keeps beeping. You have two options, replace the battery, knowing that there will be the odd occasional bleep, or to take the battery out and never hear the beep again. For me that's how my head works, it's the constant beep that won't switch off. I can't count the days I just wish I could take my head off my body for the peace and quiet. But much like the fire alarm when the constant beeping was going off I had two choices, change the battery = get help (in my case anti-depressants and CBT), or take the battery out and never hear the beep again = suicide. I have to admit the amount of times I nearly went for the latter are almost uncountable. Thankfully I went for the change the battery. And when I'm having a 'bad day' or 'bad days' (as I call them) I remind myself of this analogy. Yes I wish I could forever stop the bleeping but then again like a fire alarm in a house that bleeps to remind you it is there, the bleeping in my head reminds me I'm still vulnerable but I'm still here.
My OCD works rather abnormally to the stereotypical views of OCD, I can lock a door once and walk away, I can leave switches on and go out, I can go out without checking behind me in case I have done something bad. But I have to have things in an order, curtains have to be closed right over left, books, DVDs, my desk, my bed, my sleeping habits are all orders (and more). I also have to have certain things in certain places (especially before something - like someone coming home from work), and I have OCD with germs (probably the only OCD trait I share with the stereotypes the NHS tell you about. Oh and I have a numerical thing (basically odd numbers with sometimes 'one lucky number'). I wash my hands three times (and yes I do notice the staring by students, friends and family), I don't like touching certain surfaces and visiting certain family members is hell (they are far from clean and tidy, and touching anything feels disgusting). What I find a lot of my friends and family don't understand is it's not like a 'niggling feeling' you get when your friend comes to visit and puts your books back in the wrong order, but you can still go out and enjoy the day. You have to sort the books out or otherwise you won't be having a good day (that's if you leave the house before rearranging everything, and even then you will probably spend the day worrying that one book has been put out of place). A sufferer of OCD can't walk away. I get the thought something bad is going to happen if I don't do things the way I do and that feeling is so strong I simply cannot walk away or 'let it go'. I have a family member who blames my father's OCD for me having OCD, this person doesn't understand my father having OCD has nothing to do with my OCD (especially as our OCD forms are very different), what it does mean is I have someone who understands the hell that goes through my head if I don't wash my hands three times. I noticed my OCD start when I was around seven. I thought a devil like figure would **** one of my family members if I didn't do one of my OCD things (I can't count how many drinks I spilled because I had to have it with me and sit a certain way, all because dad was out and if I didn't do it he'd get hurt by this devil figure). My OCD is made worse by my anxiety, for example the night before exams is unbearabe. I can't go to bed till I've carried out all my OCD things, and then my brain tricks me into thinking they aren't done properly, so I do them again, then again, and then again until eventually I feel a little satisfied (at least enough to get into bed - which is a nightmare in itself with my routine I have before bed). Once I've completed the tasks my OCD won't let me off with, I then can't sleep because of my anxiety. I dread getting up to do something or go to the bathroom because that starts my OCD off. It's like being in a child's cartoon when there is a cartoon angel and devil on my shoulder. The angel = my logical and rational side, says, you done this three times, you done that five times plus one for luck, and you did this. But that crafty devil = OCD, can't help but shout so loudly over the angel's voice 'but have you, and if you haven't you know something bad will happen, so you better do it all again to save your family'. Meanwhile I wait for the angel to summon her megaphone which is only one volume higher.
As I said I wanted to share this for a while, so people would understand how my head works using the analogies I feel most represent my head. It's horrible feeling like this, but I try and live in hope that it will get better. I guess you find your ways to sum up how you feel, to cope with your mental state. But for me no one in my life understands these analogies and sometimes I can't even try and explain. I guess I just wanted to get this down and what better way than people who understand (even if their analogies are different, as I am sure they all will be).
Thank you for listening! :)
Thimble reacted to Maverick7777 for a blog entry, Running
an african proverb -
every morning in africa an antelope wakes up.
it knows it must outrun the fastest lion - or it will be killed.
every morning in africa a lion wakes up.
It knows it must run faster than the slowest antelope - or it will starve.
it does not matter if you are a lion or the antelope - when the sun comes up you had better be running.
Thimble reacted to Shmooey for a blog entry, Inpatient
So it's been a while since I checked in here - since the end of August. I am slowly getting caught up on everyone's blogs and forum posts. I see many new faces - welcome.
Some of you know I suffer from extreme agoraphobia. It came to a head in late August. . I'd been calling out from work, shaking and terrified every time I did leave, and I couldn't take it anymore. I got approved for a short-term disability and spent two weeks in an inpatient setting.
I wasn't in a hospital, it was a crisis stabilization unit through my local mental health consortium. The whole idea is to keep people out of the hospital, where it costs more money. We had 7- 9 groups a day there, learning about all kinds of mental health topics.
Their stress is mindfulness. Everyone continued to take their meds, or in some cases started new meds. But their curriculum centered heavily around mindfulness skills such as grounding, self-soothing, and meditation. We learned a lot about why we are ill, and then we were taught strategies on how to cope. We also did DBT almost every day. I've had psychiatrists trying to force me into DBT for a couple of years now, so it was interesting to learn more about that. . I have since purchased two DBT books that will hopefully help me expand that knowledge. Being agoraphobic, I am avoiding the group setting as long as I can. With books, I can teach myself at home.
I found it very helpful, though limited. The people there were GREAT. The food SUCKED. The other patients were really good to know. The skills they taught were also great. I learned some Qi Gong and am trying to keep that practice going. The reason I say it was limited is that when I am in a full-fledged meltdown, mindfulness isn't going to work. You can tell me to list as many things that are red as I can, or to count backward from 100 in threes, or whatever grounding techniques you want to throw at me - but the result is that I am going to be white-knuckling it while trying to count backward in threes.
I am glad I had the time away from work, and I am glad I did the Wellness program. I had an additional week after discharge so I could try to get centered again to return to work. How I manage to do 40 hours a week in an office is beyond me. I have no choice though. I earn more money than my husband and I carry our health insurance since his employer does not offer it. That makes for a lot of days filled with tears and panic. .
I'd purposely stayed away from DF and my other two mental health forums, just because I was at my worst (again...there was also my 2012 breakdown since I joined here when I lost my job due to my agoraphobia and was out of work for eight months). I didn't want to stay as low as I was, I wanted to get better as soon as I could. I avoided reading about mental illness, and just tried to overcome mine.
I'm back now, at least three times a week. I am trying to jump back into the forums as best I can and be helpful. My meds are changing too. I was on seven different psych meds, and I'm currently just about done with Wellbutrin XL. I had to go off my Klonopin when my new pdoc refused to prescribe more. I'd only been on it for about three months and was not addicted. I've taken it for a year twice in the past with no problem coming off, but he puts all his patients in one box I guess. I still think I take too many psych meds (see signature). I have a call in to the pdoc about my Lamictal since my pain management guy doubled my Gabapentin. Both are mood stabilizers, so I'm wondering if it's a good thing to take 1800 mg of Gabapentin at the same time as 250 mg of Lamictal. . I'm guessing not. Perhaps I am just doomed to a large psychiatric cocktail. *sigh*
Thimble reacted to duck for a blog entry, Day 27 On Cipralex
I visited my GP this morning to get a prescription for more medications: Cipralex, Inderal, and Rivotril.
I asked him if he could refer me to a psychiatrist to make sure I am on the correct medications. He agreed. A few hours later I received a call from the psychiatrist's office asking me to come in on April 9 for a one time assessment.
I submitted a request to my supervisor to get time off from work for this appointment. We will see if my supervisor approves my request.
My second appointment with my psychologist is on April 11th.
Thimble reacted to allalone6 for a blog entry, The Hospital Psych Ward
November 12-17, 2010
Minutes turned into hours as I sat among the chaos in the hospital ER patiently waiting for a bed to open up at any surrounding hospital. As the day turned to night, my friends finally left to go home, I tried to pass out from exhaustion from the anxiety but was afraid to really sleep. I felt like i was in a movie, I could see the action going on around me and all the people and hospital staff rushing around but I couldnt hear the sounds and commotions, like I was in a fog or a dream and wasnt really there. Being on suicidal watch I was plopped right outside the nurses station with a constant guard on duty watching me but luckily as the night went on, the ER quieted down and I was able to doze off for a bit. All I really remember after that was waking up at some point to a doctor asking me how i was feeling, he was different than the rest of the staff, he was calming, he sat down next to me and was eye level with me as opposed to all the nurses who stood over me with their clipboards asking question after question and then would disappear. He had a soothing voice and placed his hand on my arm explaining he was the doctor on duty, assured me I would be leaving soon and told me to call out to him if I needed anything.
I didnt arrive at the hospital until sometime after midnight after 8 hours of sitting in that ER. I had to go thru the ordeal of answering questions, being told the rules and handing over my stuff before I could settle into a bed. I was in zombie mode the following morning, venturing out of my room, scared to see what this locked ward consisted of, I walked aimlessly around like a deer in headlights, my stomach in knots, my head consumed with racing thoughts and dealt with being stared at by other patients because i was a newbie. I quickly retreated back to my room where I curled up on my bed spending the majority of the day with my eyes glued to the clock waiting anxiously for visiting hours, hoping to see a familiar face and feel not so alone and abandoned.
After the second day I quickly learned that the hospital workers walking around with the clipboards werent nurses but "babysitters" as the other patients called them. I was told to watch out for them, that they dictate when and how soon I get discharged. They watched your every move, they noted whether you slept all day, whether you came out of your room, whether you ate, and whether you participated in the ridiculous arts & crafts classes. I was told, if I stayed to myself that I wouldnt be going home anytime soon. I thought it was a good bit of info from the strangers who didnt seem to care if they stayed or went. I did my best to do what was expected even though I was out of my comfort zone.
I spent most days just trying to follow the rules, going to the scheduled classes, and staring out the window praying to be dishcharged soon. I found myself often pacing in front of the phone stations where we were allowed short phone calls with the outside world. I tried to resist calling my friends every 10 minutes but being alone in this unfamiliar place with some scary individuals and not knowing my fate, I was beyond scared. I know they were going about their days with their regular routines, as I sat there feeling like time was standing still.
Nights i would just lie in bed, my back to my roommate, just staring at the wall and my eyeglasses sitting on the radiator case. i would watch the light from hallway appear on the wall every 15 minutes when the orderly would open the bedroom door for suicide checks to make sure i was still there. they never checked to see if i was breathing, just that a body was in bed. i never really did sleep, i would just listen to the moans of the other patients and the movement in the hallway. my roommate slept all day and night, i dont think i ever saw her get out of bed during my time there. sometimes i wish i could go back, to just lying there letting life pass by on the outside world and not be apart of it.
Each day started the same with nurses entering your room to do vitals, give medicine and ask how you are feeling. Nothing really went on during my stay that was "helpful" to my recovery. I saw a doctor for 15 minutes during my 5 days there. The classes were a joke that were just in place to pass the time, I never discussed my feelings with anyone, no one really asked me why I felt like dying, or why I was sad. There was no one on one counseling or even anyone other than the patients to even talk to. They just pushed meds and sent you on your way. The ward consisted mostly of detoxing patients than mental health ones resulting in alot of outbursts and angered individuals. The staff didnt seem too enthused to really "care" for us. One evening a patient was playing music on a handheld radio and when the other patients started to enjoy the entertainment with dancing and singing, the radio was immediately taken away with no real reasoning.
Among it all, A patient took a liking to me, even though I really wanted to be left alone. It was nice at times that i had someone to roam the halls with but he definitely had his issues, as he was there for detox. One night, it was probably 2 or 3 am, I couldnt sleep so I walked the locked ward and before long, he joined me. The night shift workers discouraged us and told us to go back to bed, even though we were walking in silence. As we rounded the corner to our rooms, I said goodnight and turned in, he was the next door down and I thought he was turning in as well when suddenly there was a loud bang. I walked back out to the hall to find he was sleep walking, walked past his room and straight into the wall, needless to say he woke right up and became aggressive. The nurse at first comforted him, tried to guide him to his room, but soon other patients came out to the commotion and started commenting, which angered him further resulting in aggression towards the nurse. It was becoming a loud and huge ordeal so I thought I could help the situation by stepping in as I knew he would listen to me. I comforted him, grabbed his arm and whispered it was ok, and to go sleep it off, all the while guiding him to his room. He willingly went which angered the nurse and in turn snapped at me and told me to get to my room now. I was caught off guard and started to mumble that i was just helping but was cut off and scolded at to get to my room. I was dumbfounded and just laid in bed until it was acceptable to come out and hoped she was off shift in the morning, all the while, holding back tears because i just wanted to go home and leave that hell.
Some days it was truly scary there, the outbursts, the yelling, the fighting, I was expecting something different. All my envisions of being locked up, I imagined it would be horrible & scary, but didnt expected to be housed with detoxing patients and never expected the situations I saw and the actions that took place. As a fragile depressed individual who just wanted to end the pain, a more sympathetic/caring environment would have made a difference.
Its weird, even though I hated being locked up and feeling abandoned, it was a definite escape from my everyday problems. I experienced a different kind of stress, instead of stressing over not fitting in in my sad life, feeling alone, unwanted,and having no control over my feelings, I stressed about my parents knowing the truth and about what would happen to me at the hospital. sometimes i think its easier going back to that hell than living the one im in. It perhaps is the lesser of the two evils. It bothers me that those around me dislike me, whereas when I was locked up, my phone was taken away, no internet, no email, no facebook, no seeing anyone unless they chose to visit - not being connected to the real world was a nice change. Being in an environment where it was acceptable and understood that you were depressed was refreshing. I often feel ashamed with myself that I cant control it and seeing how others react to it, I get further mad at myself for not doing a better job to disguise it. It was a weight off my shoulders being able to walk around that hospital and not be criticized for being quiet.
The sad part of it all, days before that hospital stay, I truly felt my friends gave up on me, but I was wrong, so wrong, the depression made me blind to it. However, months after my release, my recovery wasnt going as they anticipated. I wasnt getting better fast enough and labeled as not helping myself and not trying. Needless to say, as time went on, they all distanced themselves from me. I sometimes think I was better off not going to the hospital and not telling them what was wrong.
Depression paralyzes you and so easily makes you feel unloved and unwanted when it really isnt true. Yet, oddly, if you are too weak to fight it, it ends up making it a reality for many.
Thimble reacted to Veruca for a blog entry, Been A Very Long Time
I can't even remember the last time I was here. My life has been well and I have been handling things so well. I felt odd being here but here I am today. I don't know. I feel like things are changing. My life is not though. People say "Go out and change them." They act like it is so easy and it's not. I work a lot because I have to work. I have very little free time. My dog still gives me most of the joy in my life I have to say. She is my number one reason for me to smile.
These past few months have been a real trial for me though. Someone I trust deeply betrayed me in a way I have not recovered from. I try and there are times and them boom it hits me again.
I feel like one of my closest friend is going to be moving away from me soon. I feel it happening. I know I will be all alone. I will not have anything to fill my life once this person and I end our friendship. My Birthday hit me really hard this year as well and it just kinda sucked and then we add all of this on with the end of the year and everything else.
I feel bad coming on here after all this time to just write my feelings down but this is the one place I have always felt safe to express what is going on in my head.
No one understands how you can go from being happy and doing well for almost a year and then all of the sudden it hits you. All of the sudden you are depressed. I can't even hide it this time.
It's funny, I come on here and I can actually breath a little bit.
Thimble reacted to michelleyeah for a blog entry, 23/12/2013
Every time I feel as if I am making improvements, I seem to come crashing back down. For the past few months, my mood swings can change by the hour and it is so, so very tiring. I have so much to be happy for, I have a life full of hope and so much to look forward to. But I am still brought down by the most diminutive things.
I can't stand having no control over my depression. It controls every aspect of my being and I have absolutely no will to stop it. How do I do it? How can I go from feeling so wonderfully full and empowered to considering self harming again? How does that happen?
I am thankful that I am stronger than I have been before. I am very thankful. I wish I had someone that I could confide in. I hate that I have alienated myself from people in regards to my depression. I hate that I have kept it this big secret. I hate it so, so much. I am surrounded by loving, accepting people and I can't bring myself to tell them. Eliza and Ash would support me unconditionally. They would check up on me, make conscious efforts to make sure that I am always okay. I can't even imagine the support I would receive from James. Anyone would be blessed to have these people. And I can't bring myself to admit how I am randomly going from happiness to feeling desperately low within a single day.
I need to see a psychologist again. I need to be nicer to myself. I need to remind myself that these feelings are not eternal. That I wouldn't know a high without a low. I need to remind myself that I deserve a lot more than I give myself credit. That I am brilliant, intelligent, interesting and ******* great. I'm not worthless, hopeless, incompetent or useless . I am going to be okay. I just need to remind myself. It's okay to feel what I am feeling. It's okay to feel lonely. It's okay. It's okay. I just hate that it controls me. I hate it.
I'm sorry for anyone that reads this post for how selfish I am with this website. It tends to be my last resort. I usually only come to post when I am feeling incredibly low. I haven't posted since January, which in itself is fantastic. But for the people who have offered me support, I thank you so much. And I am sorry that I haven't been supportive in return.
I'll try to be better from now on. It is clear that doing this on my own isn't working. I need to be kinder to myself and seek support.
Thimble reacted to Altl13 for a blog entry, I Miss Him
I love school I'm doing so well but, I see nick everywhere I go and seeing him throughout the day my heart falls it makes me remember how much I love him and brings back all our memories...I want him back even if we are just friends. I can't keep this up. I have this connection to him I don't know what it is but apart of me can't let go... I wonder if he ever thinks about me like I do him. I know he sees me to when we pass each other I wonder if it brings back memories. I choke up and my heart stops... I want to talk with him but I can't I just want him back. Why am I feeling like this why can't I just let go. I want everything to go back to the way things were.... I need that more than anything. I need him back I wonder if it kills him like its ******* me.
Thimble reacted to Phantastic Mirage for a blog entry, Dumbassery And I Cant Schedule A Therapist Again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I REALLY wish they would stop editing the titles so it's not in caps anymore!!! >_<
Ugh, so mid-day yesterday I couldn't remember if my appointment was on Tuesday or Wednesday. I was still at work and tried to call my therapist's office to confirm when my appointment was. No answer. I couldn't even leave a message because I'd still be at work if and when they'd tried to call me back. Problem was I was calling around 3pm anyway right around when I suspected they closed (found out today they close at 3:30 so I was right) so they weren't going to call me back anyway at a reasonable time, right? So, I go to the office Tuesday night just in case my appointment was then, turn out the door was locked. LATER - I found out that I forgot they keep the doors "locked open" (you know, you can't turn the knob, you just pull the door?) Well, only being there twice, I assumed they were closed and walked away... stupid me.
Tonight, I go there, find out the door is locked open and I sit in the waiting room. I'm messing around on my phone - found out that the office called me at 6 pm...I'm already at the office waiting by 7. What the ****. It could have been my therapist, but I was already there and I was going to wait for him. There were two other guys also waiting in the room with me. One guy leaves and other guy is there. I ask him, "Who you waiting for?"
The same guy as me for a 7:30 appointment :\
So I just get up and leave. Called the office number and left a message saying "call me back, I need to figure out this appointment bulls***." Actually, that's not what I said but I was still pretty mad. Also, I still know that they'll just call me again when I'm at work so this whole thing is pretty much a lost cause.
When I'm MOST angry about is that doctors don't even call for confirmations anymore. I remember they used to call you a day in advance to remind you of appointments (or maybe that's just medical doctors that do that..). HOWEVER, why would they wait until 6pm THE NEXT DAY to call rather than the morning??? I wish I had gotten some kind of message. There was a message on my phone, but because my grandmother ALSO called earlier in the day, I assumed it was just another voice mail from her. So, now I have no freaking idea what to expect from this office now.
In fact, I'm rather not wanting to bother with this particular office anymore. I have a weird bank schedule where I don't get out of work until 5:30, I work Saturdays and sometimes I work 6 days a week. One of the first things my therapist said was that he's usually available more during the day. I need to find a night time psychologist. Or, **** it. Maybe I'll give up and start looking for a psychiatrist. I'll just tell them don't give me any pills. I do better with the talk therapy anyway. I actually look forward to my doctor appointments because then I can at least talk to somebody about my day. It sucks keeping everything inside you, whether it's bad OR good. What also sucks is that he's not available until later next week so...I'm kind of at a loss on what do to until then. *shrugs* I'll make an appointment with somebody else mean while I guess. I still cannot for the life of me figure out why this is so ******* hard. Or maybe I'm just being too picky now. Still though, I never had this kind of problem with dentists or regular doctors. Why can I never get an appointment with a therapist at a more convenient time? What, do they think that EVERYBODY with some kind of issue is jobless and can just come in whenever? If I could get a degree in this kind of stuff, I would be a nights and weekend doctor...It was suck ass, but at least the working force can have a go-to person.
I'm just tired of looking for people who I can work with on a decent schedule. Yeah, I am getting my hopes down but can you blame me? After phone call after phone call and then the first guy couldn't see me anymore because of health insurance issues and now this guy is just insanely difficult to get appointments with. He even asked me if I could come see him during my lunch hours, which was a great idea, but last time I tried to organize something like that with the boss they were like, "Oh, well we're not sure if we can accommodate.." and I was like fine, then **** it. So why would I bother asking them a second time? (Especially since I'm trying to get Christmas Eve off right now..that's hard enough.)
Eh, so...I'm just kind of sitting back here at home with nobody to talk to once again..My boyfriend already voiced that he was too tired (In fact, he fell asleep while I was typing this) so I know he doesn't want to hear my ranting, and typing furiously isn't the same as talking. I want to eat some chips right now...Yeah, I'll go do that..and if my boyfriend asks where I got them...Well, I bought them on the last shopping trip cause I Wanted to..I knew I was going to need want them.....I wanted the chips. They're not my clutch that I NEED them....but I did buy guacamole too and I love guacamole.
Thimble reacted to Phantastic Mirage for a blog entry, Expressing Emotions
I am happy that this guy is interested in finding out why I have trouble expressing emotions versus "You have choices!!" This new guy also brought up a point that I might also have trouble "indulging" in my emotions. Like, which emotions do I take to better than others. (Do I have trouble accepting happiness?)
Not until right after I left did I realized I should have told him about the "escapism" problem I had. When I was younger and my mother was living with my grandmother and I for some time, she noticed that I played video games a lot and instead of saying things like, "Oh video games will rot your brain" or something generic, she says that I used games as a form of escaping and always assumed I had a problem in my life, never realizing that my problems all along were them and the fact that I couldn't get away from them.
I did however tell the psychologist that I feel guilty with some decision I make for myself whether "good" or "bad" because A lot of people would always criticize what I did, or explain why it wasn't a great idea and tried to sway me into something else... I talked about that in another blog that I always felt like I was being watched with things I did and it was hard to feel excited about something without people saying otherwise.
It seems as though recently I'm having an opposite effect that when I TRY to be happy, or in the few rare times I genuinely AM happy, I try to express it and I'm met with little to know emotion. I guess that's because everyone's an adult now and can't get super excited over things, but...that kind of makes me feel bad too, so I can't even really feel happy. The only time I feel ANYTHING is when I'm angry at something that really p***** me off (like certain things with my grandmother) because it just goes on and on, and how am I met with anger? Well, my boyfriend doesn't like it much and so he reacts to taunting me which makes me or angry, so I have to remove myself from him to calm down over the situation so I can TALK to him... but then I'm met with no emotion when I try to talk to him about my frustration.. So...I'm at the point where I don't feel anymore because I'm met with either guilt, indifference, or ridicule. I've even gone as far as saying that "I don't even 'feel' anymore." When I laugh at something, I stop right away because what if what I was laughing at really wasn't that funny? Or if I want to cry, I stop because "adults don't cry" or "I'm not really that sad right now." And with angry, I just let it fester until it cools down. This new guy understands that I have little to no support network, and with the following appointments will help me work with getting my point across to the few who will listen.. Maybe I'll even talk to a random stranger here or there just to practice with conversations.. Actually, I already kind of practice that all ready with you guys. I like talking to you all! But..it's not the same if I can't have feelings when I talk to somebody.. I can't even be happy or sad for other people. I just say what I think is expected. *sigh* I REALLY want to feel again so I can feel like everyone else and know what it is to be happy again. I just gotta keep working at it. Nobody is too old and too stuck in the mud to change.
Here's a little happy side note though that reminded me just how much little things can mean SO much to other people... I had a customer in the bank today and I always like talking to her. We both have similar things going on with being financial caretakers of our mothers and how we worry about other things in between. A co-worker asked "Are you available?" to help with another customer and I said, "Oh no, I'm still working with <name>" and she was SOOO happy that I said I was working WITH her instead of like, "Oh, I'm just helping this customer..." And then it dawned on my why she was so happy and it made me happy to...to remember that - YES - other people do acknowledge our existence, even if it's just a clerk you see every week. I was happy WITH her. It's almost like a little connection. I almost wish I could talk to her outside of work but I'm not sure how to make a conversation like that on my work time. Maybe as time passes I'll be more comfortable and I'll just ask her. If nothing else, I've given her resources for caregiving.. so I've at least been helpful. Heheh, she actually told me that she didn't look at it yet, but she remembered I gave it to her ^-^ I wasn't even bothering her like, "Did you see it yet???" Because of course nobody looks right away... but anyway.. Yeah - so...something nice. Yay.
I'm trying to think of what I want to do before bed..it's already 9 and I kind of want to watch more Japanese My Little Pony...but..eh..It's again with the weird "can't be happy" thing. I enjoy it...but I don't....ENJOY it. (because part of me says it's a dumb kids show...but I "like" it because it's cute and has lessons to teach in a whimsical way... Eh, baby steps I guess.
Thimble reacted to Phantastic Mirage for a blog entry, What To Talk To My Therapist About Today.
I'm only working for 4 hours today (hence why I'm not at work yet) But then I gotta go to Philly to give my grandmother her money for the month. I'm pretty sure I'll be talking to him about her today >_>
I've been indifferent about things lately. I see that as a good thing because I'm at least not upset or angry.
I'm listening to the radio now about 9/11 and it turns out I still internalize feelings as though they were real. (I was not in New York on that day, but my boyfriend was and I get scared thinking, "Well, what if he was in Manhattan that morning? What if I scheduled that trip just one year earlier - since I was in Manhattan about a year or two after everything..) Like, I constantly wonder about the "what if"s and I have to diverge my attention elsewhere to stop being anxious about stuff that never happened or will happen..
*turns radio off* [i'm sad about 9/11 but also annoyed that it makes me feel anxious..]
My boyfriend and I discussed about chores again and how we're suppose to delegate them between each other - but I've been in the pits lately with lack of sleep and foggy-ish mind, I would still consider a house keeper just as a one time thing to help me get back in order. I get overwhelmed when things pile up and I'm not sure why I let them get that way...Partially laziness...
So recap.. Consistently being tired, can't think straight unless I REEAALLY force myself to (it just don't come naturally), what to do about my grandma..
Oh, and I also have the issue of not wanting to do things.. I've been getting back into computer games a bit, but I still feel tired by them, and I still can draw or write because it feels like a chore. Nothing's fun still, but at least I'm not upset by it at the moment because my mood is okay :)
Thimble reacted to Dolphin2013 for a blog entry, The Sense Of Hopelessness
I swear this has been so bad, I often could not remove myself from the chair where I was sitting with the laptop, shuttling between Facebook and this game I play. I couldn't get up to put the laptop away, to get the mail, make myself something to eat. I imagined my butt sticking to the chair and getting oozing sores that would get infected and I'd die.
And it wouldn't matter. Life would go on without me, probably better than with me.
That's when I knew I needed to see a doctor.
Thimble reacted to Phantastic Mirage for a blog entry, New Guy Finally
We're back to this blog again finally! Honestly, this blog helps more people than my incessant whining. Though, we are all allowed to have our moments.
To be honest, there isn't much to say about this guy yet. He's younger, a little more upbeat and open rather than brooding and straightforward. Granted, I didnt' mind the brooding and straightforward approach, but this type of more open straight forward approach seems compelling and confident. It's like I didn't change therapists at all :P It's also better sitting in a well-light room rather than a dimly dark one.. lol
SO - I was able to recap things that I went over with my old therapist to the new guy and he seemed understanding of some of my issues, as well as something I didn't consider. I'M BORED WITH LIFE. Now, anybody could say that, but I didn't think it was an actual problem until..maybe a few hours ago when I was doing my usual research of different things related to mental health.
To sum it all up: I'm bored with life in general while not having a clear vision of my "self" with no esteem which makes it difficult to converse with other people, along with the daily stress of family that I encounter and the enraging anger on top that I find painfully difficult to defuse within myself.
All this sums up into an unhappy life and lifestyle.
Let's see how this goes.