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Hertz

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Everything posted by Hertz

  1. Hertz

    Yo-Yo

    So I have a girlfriend now (she did confirm the "In a relationship with" status on facebook, how more official can that be? :)) Last august, after going out two times, she told me she wanted us to be just friends. I decided to turn the page but we met two more times, once to do interior climbing, and the other to take a Swing lesson. I wanted to try those activities and she was the only person I knew who'd be up to go with me. I had no expectations at all. The week after we went to the Swing lesson she sent me an e-mail saying she had a crush on me. At first I was a bit apprehensive because I didn't want to be her yo-yo. I told this to a friend who said that he did the same thing with his girlfriend he's had since a year ago. He rejected her twice before accepting her. I guess it's frequent that people are not sure at first about if they want to be in a relationship with someone. It doesn't mean it won't go anywhere. Of course this kind of thing should be done with respect and open communication. I haven't told her about my depression. It's not like I need to be hospitalized frequently or need to be under suicide watch. Also it's a bad visiting card, and it's not contagious. I did tell her about my genital herpes. She was ok with it and we've been intimate. I also have scars on my torso. I'm very ashamed of them, more than herpes I think (which can be solved with contraception). What's more is that I made those scars myself, like 5 years ago. I hate myself so much for having done this. So far she's just seen my torso under dimmed light. What will be her reaction if she sees it under bright light? Will I have to hide, to always find ruses to avoid exposing these scars? I spoke to a dermatologist who told me I was better to leave them as they are, that surgery would probably make them look worse, so I resigned myself to live with them for now. Another part of me says her judgment doesn't matter. If she can't deal with it I'll just look elsewhere. So far I've had a good time with her. That's the best I can ask for.
  2. Hertz

    Why Am I Not Surprised

    I seems like your parents and sister aren't really concerned with what you really need. Is there anyone in your life you can turn to who you trust, like an uncle, friend, teacher etc? My parents were very insensitive towards me also. But I considered their actions normal at the time. It's good that you realize what they are doing is wrong.
  3. Hertz

    Losing Everybody.

    That must be a huge blow, losing two close friends in such a short period. Do you have any idea why the decided to turn against you? Good luck going through that, I hope you find people who have more consideration soon.
  4. Hertz

    Going Out, Med Issues

    (((((Chii))))) (((((Blue_Envy))))) Thanks for the support. I mean it because changing is hard! But I know it's for the best.
  5. Hi Trace, Years ago I dreamed I was a child and was looking at my family working in the garage (which is at the same level as the basement), in the house I lived in during most my childhood and teens. I could see inside the garage the entrance to what appeared like a subterranean network, with walls made of concrete bricks. It terrified me, like it was a gate to hell of some sort, filled with diablerie (although I didn't see any of that stuff). This network didn't exist in real life. Last night I had a similar dream. I was in what was formerly my brother's room, and later mine, in the basement of the same house as above. I was my present self. In real life there was a door in this room that connected it to a storeroom. In the dream though I was certain the door led to a similar subterranean network. I was there to complete a challenge, which was to write something on the opposite side of the door, without the new owners catching me. I was hesitant, I didn't want to spend a second in this dreadful maze, but was curious at the same time. The dream ended at that moment. Hertz
  6. Last friday I took a Swing lesson with two friends. After the class more people came and started dancing, with jazz music playing. I danced with a few girls, practiced the moves I just had learned and chatted a bit with them. I mentioned to a girl I met on a dating site that I'd go there. She told me she had been dancing Swing since the past 6 years. She ended up coming that evening, even though we hadn't planned a meeting. I danced a little with her and we talked a bit. She seemed nice. I hope we'll see each other again. The next evening I went LARPing (live action role play). It allows me to practice social skills, but I find it a bit boring. It's like american football: There's 15 minutes of action for 3 hours of j****** off. Only a handful of people over there seemed nice so far. They all seem to get along so well. I try to mingle, join conversations, appear interested, but it's very hard to get through. It's hard to get anyone's attention. They all seem so busy with (in-game) projects I know little about. At least it's only once a month. When I look back a few months, or even a few days after such events, I get some satisfaction from knowing I did things despite my illness. But while they are occurring, I'm often bored, tense, and I go home feeling empty handed. At least I have other activities I enjoy. Anxiety and suicidal ideations are creeping back. I thought I had found the right medication combo. I decided to add an AD because I was sleeping too much and couldn't function in the morning. I sleep less, but I'm so anxious. I feel stressed out, I crave relaxing activities, obvious signs of anxiety increase. And I have these violent images popping in my head, and the dread of not knowing of a way out. I'm stuck with the choice of sleeping 10-12h a day and being able to work very little, or being productive and anxious. My reason for wanting to be productive so badly is that I have a master's thesis to submit by december 31st and want to start a phd program in january. My previous combo, the one that makes me sleep too much, also made me feel unbearably sad after a while. I tried getting off ADs this summer, tapering them off slowly. I even asked to be prescribed a sleeping pill, since one of the ADs helps me sleep. The result was me feeling less and less motivated, without drive or energy. Perhaps this was to be temporary, an effect of the weaning process. I didn't have the will to go through, so I started taking them again. I want to be productive, but I don't know if in the long run I'll be able to cope with this high level of anxiety.
  7. Hi MrJames, Here's a tip I began putting to practice, the content is from my blog: " Talking the Small Talk During my trip to Saskatoon I implemented something I read in a book to help me become more social. I talked to strangers, making comments about things related to the environment. For example, on my way there, I embarked on a small plane and, since I'm used to big planes, continued walking almost to the end of the alley because I thought this was the first class. I had to come back to find my seat. When I got there I told this to my neighbor and that made her laugh. It lightened my mood and gave me a small adrenaline rush. I did this with more people, taxi drivers et al. I even ended up exchanging e-mails with someone, so sometimes it can lead somewhere, although it's not necessarily the goal. It takes some work to see this type of thing as "normal" since I'm so used to a poor social life. Humans are teared between individuality and conformism. I think in my past I leaned excessively towards individualism and I have to admit the result wasn't that good. Now I want to try something else. Of course, too much conformity is bad. The germans in the 1930s are a good example of that. But it doesn't mean we should be islands neither." If you want I can send you in pdf format the book I mentioned. You just have to PM me your email address. Hertz
  8. During my trip to Saskatoon I implemented something I read in a book to help me become more social. I talked to strangers, making comments about things related to the environment. For example, on my way there, I embarked on a small plane and, since I'm used to big planes, continued walking almost to the end of the alley because I thought this was the first class. I had to come back to find my seat. When I got there I told this to my neighbor and that made her laugh. It lightened my mood and gave me a small adrenaline rush. I did this with more people, taxi drivers et al. I even ended up exchanging e-mails with someone, so sometimes it can lead somewhere, although it's not necessarily the goal. It takes some work to see this type of thing as "normal" since I'm so used to a poor social life. Humans are teared between individuality and conformism. I think in my past I leaned excessively towards individualism and I have to admit the result wasn't that good. Now I want to try something else. Of course, too much conformity is bad. The germans in the 1930s are a good example of that. But it doesn't mean we should be islands neither.
  9. This week I visited a potential phd director who works in another city. I wanted to meet him in person to have an idea of his personality, and to meet one of his students to get his impression. What motivated me to take these steps is that my present director at the master's level is not morally supportive or encouraging at all, and I now know these factors are important in choosing a director. We met briefly but he seemed nice. He took the time to talk to me, he did not rush the conversation like my present director does. His student seemed happy with his relationship with him. A big problem though is the fact that it's so far away. When my depression started I was living alone. A year later I moved to my mom's. If I had to do all the chores, cooking and put up with loneliness, would I have been able to resume university and perform well? Do I want to put myself in the same situation (actually worse because I'd be 1,500 miles away from family and friends)? On the other hand the purpose of moving to my mother's was to help me get back on my feet, in order to, among other things, be able to study toward a career I desire. I also applied to a university in my own city, but my acceptation is far from assured. I figure if I take a phd position in that remote city I'd definitely need to have a few room mates. Maybe a cat or a dog too. It's all very uncertain.
  10. Hertz

    Last Week

    Hi Star, Thanks for the encouragement! The LARP I'm involved with is set in the Vampire:Requiem universe. From what I saw in your profile the closest domain would be in London,ON. You can check out their web site at http://shadowhurst.camarilla.ca/ If you need help creating a character let me know :) You might look if there's a game club at your university. Take care, Hertz
  11. Hertz

    Last Week

    I'm trying to figure out how to make a government PhD scholarship request. I don't think I have a lot of chances to obtain it. I'm currently doing a master's degree and have applied to doctoral programs at different places. My goal is mostly to tell the potential research directors I'm applying for this scholarship, so they know I'm motivated. There's a section in the application form where I'm supposed to list my contributions to science, articles I authored etc. I guess I'll leave that blank :Coopdessert: Nothing new in the online dating front. I received two responses in the last two weeks. I emailed them back but haven't received a reply yet and it's been a week. I think it was a mistake to tell them so soon about the fact that I participate in a LARP (live action role play). They probably figured I was a nerd and got scared. I went out with two friends last Thursday. We went to a bar, drank and talked until 3am. When I got home I felt so disgusted, asking myself "What's the point?". Drinking and talking is just not what I want at the moment. I think I'd like to organize a project with a group. I'm not sure what yet.
  12. This is very intriguing to me, I would love to know more or know where to read more about this theory. The term coined for the negative side of this is "developmental trauma", which results in a separation from the self. My psychotherapist used this allegory to explain what is separation from the self: Let's say you train a dog to roll over, raise its paw etc on order. A dog normally won't become miserable because of this since it will do these actions at specific moments and resume its natural behavior right after. But imagine the dog starts performing these tricks all the time, even when not ordered to. Then it will become miserable because it is not following its true nature. This describes what separation from the self is basically: You try to emulate an image of yourself some other person has created for you, which does not fit your true self. This doesn't necessitate extreme abuse. It can be caused by "belittling, degrading or ridiculing a child; making him or her feel unsafe [including threat of abandonment]; failing to express affection, caring and love; neglecting mental health, medical or educational needs." etc. The solution is to try to find what you really want in life, and take actions to obtain it. Being encouraged is important because this process will make you do things which at first are 180 degrees opposite to what you have learned. In my case I have realized that I am more social than I had taken for granted. So I have joined clubs and activities that allow me to meet people, and I feel it is a good thing, although it requires a lot of effort since this was not what I was encouraged to do as a child.
  13. I think this dream I had last night is pretty self-explanatory but I'd like to share it. It was a lucid dream that was visually very detailed. the images were going from right to left like if you turn your head to the right slowly. At first I saw what appeared like devastated cities, with metal scraps and concrete lying around and with no sign of life. Then I saw Paris in ruin with the eiffel tower tilted. At first I thought (during my dream) that it was a vision of the end of times. But it occurred to me that all this represented me. I suffered a great disaster called depression and was left in ruin. When I realized this I started to cry (in dream). The images changed nature somehow. Now I was seeing high tech ground military vehicles patrolling a field (representing the work I put to hunt down and expose all the negative things in my present and past that caused me to become depressive). There was vegetation (life coming back). At last I saw a train station, with motionless or coming and going trains, full of people. Trains usually represent social life. Thanks for reading, Hertz
  14. I had a period on remeron where every two weeks I would have cold symptoms. I would take echinacea and sometimes lower the dosage temporarily. I think it's because remeron weakens the immune system. I also experienced irritability on it. I wouldn't act upon it, but in the company of strangers I would frequently fantasize about committing acts of violence on them, sometimes pretty extreme stuff. Taking remeron with pristiq made me a lot more mellow, and I had moments when I'd feel "normal", the first times in years.
  15. I tried 30mg once and the next day felt tired and like I was weighting a ton. Recently I tried 45mg in conjunction with pristiq and felt ok. Remeron is weird in the sense that as you up the dosage some people feel less side-effects.
  16. I wonder what it'd be like to clone my parents and raise them. I often think about a sister I never had. She was never conceived. How come she doesn't get to exist?
  17. Hello Beard, I'd be interested in hearing your song Down. You can PM the link if you want. Cheers.

  18. I did some interior climbing with a friend. It was my second experience. It was thrilling.
  19. We tend to naturally gravitate near the state we were in when we were a child, which resulted from the treatment we received back then. This is because most of the programming of the brain happens at that age. In my case I wasn't encouraged or supported by my parents, who preferred to leave me to myself. Having been brought up in this desert, I tended toward isolation as a young adult, and a sense of not being important. Breaking free is possible. I found psychotherapy to be the most helpful.
  20. Hi ClearBlueWater, I tend to be very pessimistic too, mostly about my future. Imagining a best case scenario and telling myself it is possible helps. I go to uni too. I joined a game club there and see them every week. Through them I've met other people who gave me access to other activities I enjoy. Having social activities disseminated around my agenda helps me to cushion reactions to bad events and worries because I know I have these enjoyable things available in the present.
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