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Hertz

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Blog Entries posted by Hertz

  1. Hertz
    I learn that somehow the actor Toby McGuire is my brother. For some reason, I believe this relationship comes from the paternal side of my family only.
    I start wondering about the possibilities this fact opens up, now that I have connections with Hollywood.
    Later, I'm in line in a sort of cafeteria. I pass multiple types of food and meals. I pass a chicken submarine on offer, and realize I'm at the end of the line and arrived at the cash register. I don't want to end up with nothing so I order two chicken submarines. It turns out also that I am a black man.
    Interpretation: I have unrealistic expectations. I need to come down from lofty ambitions and idealistic notions and take what's available.
  2. Hertz
    Quit my job last thursday because of a workplace bully.
    Today slept from 10:00 am to 9 pm.
    This is gonna be fun.
    Feeling anxious but I'm out of Rivotril.
    Two people told me I should create a LinkedIn profile. Some part of me thinks it is futile.
  3. Hertz
    I live in an apartment. The owner lives next. It's a woman around 50 yo. She has two daughters. Her apartment is tiny, yet she owns a red Ferrari, which baffles me completely.
    I learn the apartment is not rented under my name, which means I can be evicted anytime, which anguishes me.
    I look on the internet and my name is written next to the apartment, so I'm not sure anymore if the apartment is under my name or not.
    Interpretation:
    I'm not sure if I'm in control of my psyche. I'm baffled by my impulsivity.
  4. Hertz
    I'm sitting at a table outside a bar/restaurant, drinking something with Emma Watson. I think it's a date. Later I'm by myself, at some distance from there. I remember she is a movie star and I don't understand why she was with me. I try to find her but can't.
    It's night. I'm with a bunch of people near two swimming pools. One is further on my left and seems to have water, and one is in front of me, empty. A lady jumps in the empty one, as if there was water, and falls flat and hard on her back and the back of her head. I approach her. She has shabby clothes. She is still conscious. I don't understand why she did it. I grab her head and try to see if there is a wound, but I don't see any blood.
    Interpretation:
    2nd part: Maybe in the face of a certain situation, I behave as if I am feeling something, when I am not.
  5. Hertz
    I'm driving a car on the freeway. There are at least five lanes.
    There is a car that is on my lane, going in the direction opposite to mine. I avoid it by switching to the lane on the right. Another car goes in my direction, it is already close to me and when it is 2 or 3m away I manage to change lane to the right and avoid a frontal collision again.
    interpretation:
    I think it has to do with something that happened to me during my birthday party. A girl I've been flirting with pretty intensely during the past weeks came, but for some reason she was very distant and it hurt me. It was a jolting experience. It's like there is a conflict between us. I arranged for us to meet again this week, I wonder if I'm setting myself up for another conflict. Maybe it's time to clarify things between us.
  6. Hertz
    I'm in the tv room in the house I grew up in. I'm watching a movie made by an artist named Denise Filiatrault, and she is there sitting on the other side of the couch. I think the movie is interesting but not very exciting. Denise suggests I'm not authentic. She senses I don't like the movie and tells me I should be honest. I start feeling angry, and I stand up and tell her she's crazy and should go phuck herself. (Vous êtes folle et allez vous faire foutre). I leave the room and go to my childhood room.
    Interpretation:
    I might be lying to myself about something. Perhaps it's about my interest for the new job I'm starting tomorrow. Last thursday I was told my tasks will be different than what was suggested during the interview. There will be less sales-work involved than expected, and more tech-support/customer service. That pi**es me off, yes.
    It could be about a future date I was supposed to have with a woman. She wants children while I don't, and I sort of lied to myself that it didn't matter much. Furthermore we don't have much in common. I'm not reacting appropriately to red flags.
  7. Hertz
    I'm looking down at a pile of shoes. None really appeal to me. I pick one up, it is kind of pinkish. I don't find them beautiful or likeable, yet I wonder if it is the right one for me.
    Interpretation:
    I am dealing with issues about my self-identity. I am searching for my identity, but nothing seems right.
  8. Hertz
    Called in sick at work today. I said I had fever, but actually I was burnt out. I did not rest at all last week-end, and last week was intense.
    Wondering if dissatisfaction with work hasn't anything to do with it either.
    I feel like I plateaued since I got promoted in May. There aren't really new challenges, and there are no prospects for ones. There is no promotion possible. Yet I want to grow professionally. I feel like I'm going through a great stagnation.
    At the same time I don't want to give up on the things I like over there. The schedule flexibility, the atmosphere. I like the kind of people my employer attracts as employees. I love my colleagues. I feel like "these are my people".
    I don't like having to commute for one hour to get there.
    I like not having to go through rush hour because of my schedule.
    I like being able to forget all about my work once I leave.
    Why wait until I hate my job to start looking elsewhere?
    I'm like a mountain that moves only if there is an earthquake or if an asteroid hits. I know that in the following months I will hate my job more and more everyday until it becomes unbearable, and then and only then will I start looking elsewhere.
  9. Hertz
    L. broke down and fell into major depression.
    In therapy he was encouraged to delve into his relationship with his parents.
    Nothing bad would come up. They acted in a supportive, encouraging way all throughout his childhood and adolescence his therapist and him concluded.
    So, was his depression only the result of a chemical imbalance?
    L. investigated home video tapes of his childhood.
    He had hours of them available. He started from the beginning.
    Hours after hours of videotape, all he saw was love, warmth, support, understanding.
    Maybe his parents had nothing to do with his descent to hell.
    He focused on a banal conversation he had with his mother at five.
    For some reason, in the tape, the childhood-him went from joyfulness to grief in a matter of seconds.
    Yet, a thorough analysis, by his therapist and him, of the words and attitude of his mother showed no possible causal link with this sudden change in mood.
    The topic itself was quite benign, centred on the purchase of new shoe-laces.
    L. watched the conversation again and again, puzzled by the discontinuity displayed, without any clue emerging.
    He proceeded to watch the sequence in slow-motion.
    Again, nothing particularly damning for his mother came up.
    L. went on to look at the the video frame by frame, focusing on his mother:
    3 min 14 sec 0 millisecond: She is smiling.
    3 min 14 sec 40 millisecond: She is smiling.
    3 min 14 sec 80 millisecond: She is smiling.
    3 min 14 sec 120 millisecond: She is disgusted.
    3 min 14 sec 160 millisecond: She is smiling.
    3 min 14 sec 200 millisecond: She is smiling.
    The moment she turned disgusted preceded by a second the moment his mood changed to sorrow.
    Doing the same examination with every recorded interaction between his mother and him, the same subliminal disgust would emerge.
    The same shift in mood would take place also, up to his twelfth birthday. From then on he always had an emotionless expression on his face.
    L. smiled for the first time since that day.
  10. Hertz
    I was in the US with a real life friend on a trip. Since my friend didn't have a valid ID, I gave him a fake one, with his picture, but my name on it.
    At some point a cop checks my friend's fake ID. He examines the hologram that is printed on it. The cop says that it's a weak ID. Later he realizes it is fake and charges us on two counts. I realize I'm going to have a criminal record and I start feeling hopeless and guilty.
    We're in the hotel room we had rented. My friend goes to sleep in the bedroom, while I stay in the living room thinking how my life is over.
    A cop comes in. He is black. He puts chains on my feet. I see this as a confirmation that I'm really in trouble and I feel even more desperate. He suggests us three go to a restaurant and discuss what happened.
    I tell him I hope he will be able to wipe out the charges. He tells me every accused person tells him that, but says: "Let's pretend like it is the case". I feel some comfort and hope.
    Interpretation: Living with my father doesn't allow me to express my true personality. A feeling of guilt follows me because of this.
  11. Hertz
    Part 1: I'm standing in the backyard of a building. In the neighbouring terrain workers are excavating down a tunnel going underground in diagonal. A guy inside an excavator uses the mechanical shovel to go over the fence that separates the terrain I'm in and the neighbour's, and grabs and steals two orange traffic cones that are on my side. In the process he damages them. A supervisor tells him that what he did was wrong. Other construction workers gather around to see what's going on. I tell one of them the remain of one of the cones looks like a boot. We start joking around. We have the same humour. He is not particularly good looking, but I sense intense chemistry. I experience love at first sight.
    Part 2: There is a group of young teenage girls. A guy arrives. One of the girls tells him she is pregnant. He punches her in the stomach to **** the baby. He says he is sorry and leaves. She is on her knees. An older girl tells the others that if they help her they will receive a sum of money from the state. They are already living off the state.
    Interpretation:
    I am ready to delve into my subconscious and confront issues that are holding me back. Doing this makes me feel like I'm losing the possibility of slowing down, but some part of me fights back for the right to slow down. The boot represents a desire to protect myself, perhaps a fear of loving. My desire to slow down used to hide a fear of loving. In the process I am discovering a hidden and repressed part of myself that I don't find very beautiful.
    The abortion represents a failed project, probably the refusal I got from a sexual partner to become a couple.
  12. Hertz
    I'm in my parents' bedroom, in the house I grew up in. There is a baby alien on the loose (the one in the movie Alien that goes through the belly). I can see its teeth and its black and shiny body. I'm in a state of panic. I'm scared and don't know what to do. There are two other guys in the room. One of them urges me to escape through the window with him, and I do as he says. When we're both out, I realize the third guy is still inside. I cling to the window edge (which is at the level of the first floor), and wait for him to get out, but he doesn't. The guy I'm with tells me to leave him behind and to run with him. I close the window and we run away.
    As we distance the alien, I start laughing of relief, and at how simple and easy it turned out to get out of harms way.
  13. Hertz
    Reading back my 2013 entries, I describe feeling better and better when I lowered remeron from 15mg/d to 7.5mg/d. Things started going downhill after going even lower.
    Right now I am on remeron 15mg/d and wellbutrin 100mg/d. My goal is to change the remeron dosage to 7.5mg daily and stay there indefinitely.
    My plan is to take 7.5mg every 7 days for 2 rounds, then every 6 days and so on.
  14. Hertz
    I'm inside a house that looks like the one I grew up in. A seven year old boy just died. He hung himself. His head is shaven. I question his mother. It turns out he was allowed to play with a rope, and was taught how to tie a slipknot. I admonish the mother for letting her son play with a rope by himself.
    I rent and move out into a room inside a house, where a bunch of young people live. The house is reminiscent of the one I grew up in. My boss from my job tells me there is a grocery store really close.
    I don't really like the people, so I move out again. The new place has a different layout. There is also a bunch of young people living there. I like them better. Suddenly I want to cry. I decide to do it publicly. Some of them approach to console me. I tell them I am homesick.
    This triggers a memory. I remember something that happened when I was 8 years old. I am reliving it. I'm in the house I lived in when I was a child. I just came back from summer camp, and I feel devastated because I didn't want to return. I can't fathom the gap between all the good I received during this camp, and the life I have in this house.
    I walk out, still in a daze. It is a sunny summer day. When I arrive on the sidewalk I turn right. I see three young women who live in the house next to mine. Their back is turned to me. I remember that their father is dead.
    I'm sitting with one of them. She's wearing either a bathing suit or very short shorts. As we talk I start caressing her right leg. She enjoys it.
    Interpretation:
    When I was seven, a part of me died. It was the year when my parents divorced and my father moved out.
    The shaved head means that the little boy inside me wants to reveal more about himself.
    I desire a profound change. If I make a change that brings me closer to the life I had with my family, I'm able to reject it and make other changes. When I make changes that bring me farther from my family situation, I can be unsettled by the unfamiliarity, and a part of me wants to go back. Yet, going back would just bring a feeling of devastation, similar to when I got back from a summer camp.
    When I do end up doing things that bring me nearer to my family situation, getting closer to my feminine side helps.
    In the first house where I move in, my boss tells me that the grocery store is near, because living in this environment makes me lack nurturance.
  15. Hertz
    Upped the wellbutrin.
    Not too satisfied with my excursion lower than the usual dosage.
    It made me feel misanthropic and remote.
    I could lower the dosage slower, but I'm not sure I want to do it anymore.
    Wellbutrin helps me grow as a human being, even though it often causes discomfort.
    -------------------
    Will I always be so stoic?
    I'm no longer a depressed stoic, but I'm still stoic.
    Does a part of me think it's unsafe to express emotions through my voice and gestures?
    -------------------
    Everyone is trying to grow at the same time. Sometimes society appears like a gigantic group therapy.
    I can envision a religion where the universe is seen as a giant therapy office, and God as The Grand Therapist
  16. Hertz
    I'm a passenger in a plane. I'm sitting, and looking through a window on my left. The plane is approaching the ground, but is still pretty high. The plane is pointing down in diagonal. It doesn't seem to be out of control. It seems like in a normal path for landing. I cry and sob because I'm scared. Then I tell myself to go with the flow, and I feel better. The plane touches an electric cable that is high above ground. The whole exterior of the plane conducts the electricity, but inside we are fine.
    Later there is question of self-driving cars, and the fact it's useful when one wants to get drunk outside the house.
    I'm living in apartment, next to a hotel. I'm walking inside the hotel lobby. The hotel wants to expand and take over part of my apartment. There are alcohol glasses on the tables.
  17. Hertz
    Cut the dosage of wellbutrin. Today I started feeling the change. Not feeling anxious anymore. No more violent/suicidal thoughts. Had long stretches where I was feeling morose. Socializing is harder and less interesting. Sometimes feeling anti-social and like other humans are pigs.
  18. Hertz
    * * * * * * * * * ** * * * ** * * * ** * * * ** * * * ** * * * ** * * * ** * * * ** * * * ** * * * ** * * * ** * * * ** * * * ** * * * **
    I rarely have strong, positive emotional responses.
    Sometimes I get really angry.
    When I lose something or someone, I can become very sad or distressed.
    I often want to cry, but rarely do.
    I often fantasize about suicide. About once a day I will imagine myself getting hanged. I imagine the sensation of suffocation, how my whole body would tense up. Or putting a gun on my temple and shoot.
    Sometimes I identify with the character named Todd in the movie The Visioneer. He works in an office, and according to his doctor, every hour he must point an empty gun at his head and pull the trigger, or otherwise he will explode.
    Sometimes I fantasize that a shooter comes to my office and blows everyone's brain out including mine.
    I am anxious most of the time.
    I wish I could quit medication. I experimented it. I get less anxious, but I become less able to function. With medication, I can sleep 7h/day, not feel tired and function all day long. Without medication, I must sleep 10h/day, and I have trouble waking up.
    I hate society. I hate having to socialize, do activities, just to feel normal.
    What is vitality? Vitality is work. It's like a plant you must care for. Socializing is like watering a plant.
    When I look back, most of the things I did these past years seem like part of a rat race.
    I really like Swedish massages. Sugary foods relieve the anxiety, but I have to limit their consumption.
    I wish I could go back to late 2006, and not go back to university, and not start taking medication. I should have started therapy first. That's what would have been right. Maybe I would have been able to by-pass medication altogether.
    Taking medication was supposed to last one year. It's been more than seven years now.
    I hate anxiety. Anxiety is my engine. Can I get another one?
  19. Hertz
    If I were a city
    there would be a gay district that would be growing
    women would not be treated as equals
    they wouldn't be allowed to drive cars or hold high ranking posts
    it would be surrounded by fortifications, breached in some parts
    there would be a great tower where scholars would work day in day out
    their research funds slowly drying out
    there would be a small budding commercial and industrial district
    attracting the disenfranchised scholars from the tower
    photos of missing children on every billboard.
  20. Hertz
    I'm looking at a comic strip, like the ones in newspapers. It's made of a single panel. On top, I there is a woman who is about to catch a man who is coming towards her on a trapeze. Below, there is a man doing the same thing as her, with another man on another trapeze. There is a thought balloon above her head. She is thinking that the man beside her is attracted to the man he is about to catch. The man also has a thought balloon, and is thinking: "Hey! But what am I thinking?!". I interpret it as meaning that he is imagining what the woman is thinking. The content of the woman's thought balloon is actually imagined by the guy, and it makes me laugh.
    Interpretation:
    In forging my gay identity, I use too much the point of view and experience of straight women as inspiration, rather than drawing from the perspective of other gay men. It think this has to do with the fact that there is a lack of gay reference points in culture.
  21. Hertz
    I'm with my father and a military man. They tell me that my little brother was devoured by zombies. I see my little brother standing in the schoolyard of the primary school I went to. It's the place where he was consumed.
    The military man starts approaching me. I'm afraid of him, so I flee and get on an elevator. From the buttons it looks like there are approximately 10 to 15 floors. I press 0 and the elevator starts moving downwards. When the door opens, in front of me, 10m away, I see another elevator. It has the typical architecture of the computer game Quake, and it is designed to go up. I conclude I am inside the game. I have no weapons on me, so I think that if things stay the same I will be slaughtered. I realize I'm in a dream and summon two nail guns that appear in my hands. I start shooting enemies. I then replace the nail guns by a pair of rocket launchers. I obliterate each enemy.
    I see the top of something that is below me and that I can't identify. I move to see what it is. I see santa claus built with Legos, and there is another Lego character. I say: "I had to verify if they were zombies."
    Interpretation:
    As a child I was overwhelmed by forces beyond my control. I was infected with my parents' morbidity. I lost the notions of my being and desires. Zombies evoke depersonalization.
    I'm fleeing conflict with my father.
    The elevator represents an adulated father, but who is also perceived with terror.
    Fleeing only puts me back in front of the same issues.
    I created defenses and built up aggressivity in order to fight the forces that overwhelmed me as a child.
    The lego santa claus represents an idealized and immature image of the father. I still feel compelled to verify whether it is morbid or not.
  22. Hertz
    Dream:
    Part 1: The comedian Denis Leary makes an apparition on a tv show. He announces he has a terminal disease. He plans to have his organs removed and frozen until a cure is found. A machine proceeds to extract his heart.
    Part 2:
    I'm in a classroom. I don't really get what is the subject. The meaning eludes me completely. The number 11 comes up often, and 1/11. One of my classmates is a guy I met in France.
    Interpretation:
    Part 1:
    I'm concerned with my health. It prevents me from being carefree.
    Part 2:
    There is immaturity in me that makes me refuse adulthood. The stalling is due to a lesson learned but not understood. It has to do with duality, complementarity.
  23. Hertz
    I noticed I pay attention to other people's family.
    Especially when the parents appear to have vitality.
    When they pay attention to emotions.
    When the parents actually do stuff, have a life.
    On Facebook I pay attention my friends' relationship with parents.
    Recently I was moved by a picture of a female colleague of mine taken with her father, for his birthday. Alongside the pic, she says: "Happy birthday to my daddy, the one who helped me be who I am, who supports me, who believes in me, even when I cannot. Happy birthday to the one who is strong, brave, and above all loving. Happy birthday to my daddy. I love you xxo"
    I would never be able to say the same about my father. Not even close. Or my mother.
    I often wonder about what there is to admire in them. Is there something that could make me proud of them?
    My father often told me stories of his imprisonment in Chile after the military coup. His involvement to help poor workers as a doctor in the worse slums of Santiago, Chile. Yet, that all happened before I was born. I understand being imprisoned and emigrating to another country for fear of persecution can be traumatic. It's remarkable he survived all this. Yet, I think neither of my parents ever dealt with this trauma, of having to move away from their birthplace, their brothers, sisters, parents, to a strange land with different customs and values. They both work or worked in the field of caring for others, yet it doesn't seem like they took much care of themselves.
    I observed this in other immigrants. Even ones my own age. There seems to be a sort of depression that follows immigrating. There is a lot of loneliness. An inability to make new connections, especially with the natives. To compensate, a lot of immigrants concentrate all their efforts, time and energy on work, and I think that's what my father did.
  24. Hertz
    Dream:
    I'm considering the idea of studying to become an accountant. I'm looking at a vocational college program. There are only three courses. The title of the last course on the list has the word "sales" (vente) in it, and an acronym used at the job I have right now in rl ("PTE").
    At the end I see a retail store and someone explains to me that as an accountant I could work for them to increase their sales.
    Intepretation:
    I am missing the ability to step back and look at the facts.
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