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Blog Entries posted by Hertz

  1. Hertz
    There was a guy, in his 30s, in the year 2250, living with his parents, unemployed.
    Online he saw an ad about a new video game called World Simulator.
    It had good reviews on iTube, so he bought it with his parents money.
    The idea of the game was to simulate yourself, your mind, genetic code etc and put yourself in different world stages, eras etc.
    Want to know what you would have done if you had been born in 1492 in Spain? With World Simulator you can find out and more!
    So the guy started playing around, picking eras, parents profiles, randomly.
    The simulations of him had different results:
    A politician assassinated in his 50s in the Byzantine Empire.
    A ping-pong champion in the netherlands in the 70s.
    A millionaire entrepreneur with diabetes in Germany in the 1800s.
    A family man.
    A gay dandy.
    A respected microbiologist.
    A serial killer.
    The guy thinks: "OK, I could've been many different things. What would happen if everyone was me?"
    So he arranged the virtual world so that everyone was a clone of him. The background world would be one where cloning had been invented and fully functional, and where a tyrant (the simulated guy) had taken over the world and replaced every person with clones of him. Women would have twice his X chromosome. The tyrant would then let the clones breed.
    The guy pushed play on his Playstation 19.
    The children of the clones were of course not very healthy because of inbreeding. Before random mutations could take place naturally and allow some form of natural selection and correct the genetic weaknesses from generation to generation, it would take a long time, perhaps many days of real life time. To speed things up, the guy introduced tiny random genetic variations in each individual. Now there would be natural selection and the pool gene would become healthy faster.
    He went to bed, letting the Playstation on for the night, and putting the game speed at x30000000.
    In the morning he turned on the tv screen to see what had happened. About a hundred thousand years had passed in-game. The virtual world predictably didn't look at all like he had left it.
    Its citizens had differentiated. They weren't clones or anything close. The skin, eye, hair colors were varied. Size, intelligence, charisma, every traits too, just like in the real world. No more tyrant.
    The guy decided to zoom in on a particular citizen. She was a young unemployed woman in her 20s, living with her parents. She was standing on an overpass, looking down at a train passing below, wondering what her life would have been in different circumstances.
  2. Hertz
    Quit my job last thursday because of a workplace bully.
    Today slept from 10:00 am to 9 pm.
    This is gonna be fun.
    Feeling anxious but I'm out of Rivotril.
    Two people told me I should create a LinkedIn profile. Some part of me thinks it is futile.
  3. Hertz
    I'm trying to wean off Remeron, since march. I went from 15mg/d to 3.75mg/d. The transition from 7.5 to 3.75 is particularly difficult, because I can't cut the pill more. So I have to take a dose once every two days. Therefore the amount in my blood and brain fluctuates more. Remeron helps me sleep, but the nights I don't take it can be unpredictable. Yesterday I went to bed at midnight. I fell asleep at 8h30 AM. I got out of bed at 1 PM. Right now I'm feeling pretty flat. I was planning to work on my resume and letter of motivation, but I think I'll have to postpone that. I feel a huge rush of anxiety anytime I start working on them.
    The good thing is I've been feeling better and better since I started this process, except for now.
  4. Hertz
    The Bible: the Hebrews were a small people, almost irrelevant in the geopolitical sphere. In the Bible they put themselves at the centre of a grand narrative of cosmic (biblical) scale. In their eyes, they were great even in their smallness.
    During many years this narrative helped me. I was basically identifying with the Hebrews. Their periods of slavery were my set backs and illness, their liberation was my goal. It made sense of what I was going through. Ultimately I let go of that narrative. Living in a world of spirits, in a haunted house in a sense, was heavy. The supernatural assertions did not pass the test of my truth standards. Furthermore, it condemns you to be a character in a story. Every event, every action is "meant to be", has a purpose, like the events in a classic novel.
    Jeremy by Pearl Jam (music video): A teen commits suicide. The video goes on to tell the story of a boy whose parents "wouldn't wear him" and who was picked on at school. A short sequence shows his classmates doing the Nazi salute during the pledge of allegiance. Then again, what do we know about that boy (who really existed)? It's just another narrative that suits us because it serves as an excuse to complain about our parents and society. We know almost nothing about this boy. By making his death about society's ills, we're just instrumentalizing him for our own causes.
    Reminds me of the movie Heathers with Winona Ryder. There's a series of ******s disguised as suicides in a High School. After each suicide, the media, the school, the priest, use the story as a launching pad to blame society. At one point, two student athletes are ******** and the m***** is disguised as a suicide pact between two gay lovers. Right after, the media start interpreting the event as the result of society stigmatizing gays, when in fact, they weren't even gay. There is no concern for the truth, only the story, only an agenda. Do such stories really help?
    Alice Miller: in her theory, the story is that my parents have traumatized me through their neglect, which caused a disconnect between me and my true self, which lead me to depression. To me it's the story that's helped me the most. It made sense of my past. It ordered it. It guided me to make corrections. It helped me tremendously. Again shows the power of a good story.
    The flaw: her narrative was very good during a sort of teen angst period in my life where I threw away a lot of garbage, but it's less useful now that I want to construct a life beyond the sphere of my family.
    Ayn Rand: it's the story of the self-made man, unwavering, setting his own standards and following them through, a producer who doesn't believe in depending on others without their accord or in compulsory contribution to welfare.
    This story helped me appreciate the work-world, entrepreneurship, business, making money, which my education had lead me to not value. It also played an important role in distancing myself from the Christian narrative.
    Now: I still think stories can be useful, but I want to free myself from them somewhat. I want to live without referring to a narrative all the time. When I do something or when something significant happens, I don't want to ask myself everytime: "In what chapter of my life am I in?".
    I don't see anything wrong with using narratives from time to time. They can help. Now I see them more as a tool than something fundamental.
  5. Hertz
    Dropping out of those two courses last fall was the worst decision of my life. The only result will be that I'll have to study even more and longer.
    I feel like I'm in some sort of hell where damnation means studying and writing papers forever. Just when you think you're done and are ready to get a job, someone taps you on the shoulder and tells you that you're missing another diploma. I don't know how I'll be able to deal with that. I just hate the idea so much. I don't know what to do.
    I think my body is in state of alert because I have to make a decision about the offer I received from another program. I applied for admission last January. It sounded like a good idea at the time. It comforted me to know I had this back-up. Now I'm confused. I don't know if it was a good idea or not. I'm just sitting on the fence. Afraid of making another "worst decision of my life".
    Update: I decided to defer the offer of the second program. I'll finish the one I'm doing, continue working on the side, and after that we'll see. I feel better now.
  6. Hertz
    I didn't get the position I interviewed for wednesday.
    Today I called and left a message to a company I had applied to last november, but which I declined I think for the wrong reasons: because it's not related to higher learning, or making use of my studies,
    I think all I want is a low stress job, 9 to 5, where I have to somewhat deal with the public, either by phone or in person, where I'm well treated and valorized. I don't think it matters to me if my studies are not used. I think I did all those studies not for me, but to impress my parents somewhat.
    I don't want to continue this race of continuing studies, where my mind is never really free. I think teaching is not the kind of job where you don't bring work at home, with all the marking you have to do. Is it really possible to disconnect when you're a teacher?
    Am I still trying to please or impress my parents in some way?
    When I think about the job I rejected last november, I feel a relief of pressure on my chest. The guy who interviewed me seemed really nice. He was proposing a career, with benefits, but my head intervened. My head is directing me towards pressure and discomfort. I wonder if I'm not in a cultist mentality, seeing some things as "wrong" because of belief, even though these things make me feel good.
    Maybe I'm idealizing the "other side". Yet, I'm willing to at least experiment something radically different than what I've been raised to believe.
    If the company calls me back and tells me the position isn't available anymore, I'm not sure what I'll do.
    On my way back from the interview, on the highway, I rode behind a big truck for most of the way. Somehow it made me feel safe.
    At one point a second truck got passed me, on the lane left of me, got past the first truck, changed lane so that it was in front of the first truck and me. Its movements were so slow, the way it changed lane was so slow. It was like watching two elephants in front of me. The slowness impressed me. It was like witnessing another way of being.
    An absence of reference.
    Doing things without watching old milestones.
    Creating new landmarks.
    Vulnerability, risk.
    Trusting your experience rather than discourse.
  7. Hertz
    There was a young man. His dream was to become the best chef in the world. He attended the best cooking school in the country. During the summer he did internships with the best chefs in the world.
    Sometimes, he would be walking on the street, thinking about his dream, he would then look up at a billboard and see the Marlboro man smiling at him, and he'd feel validated.
    Once in a time he'd get a panic attack. He'd swallow a bunch of Rivotrils and things would become OK again.
    On television, he would listen to participants of talent shows speaking about never giving up, and it would dissipate doubts he had.
    He heard a radio show where a business man was praising a young entrepreneur, and the young man listened to this as if the business man was talking directly to him.
    He wondered What happens if you give up? Are you condemned to suicide?
    Many years later, he gave up his dream. He felt his breathing becoming easier. A weight on his chest lifting. A knot in his stomach untying.
    He found out it didn't make him feel suicidal. The Earth didn't stop turning.
    Sell us your vitality and we'll send you a ticket to the promised land. You'll be "It". You'll get the love you deserve. You'll be free. Isn't vitality a small price to pay in comparison to what you'll receive in exchange? It's better to be ill in Heaven than healthy in Hell.
  8. Hertz
    Upped the wellbutrin.
    Not too satisfied with my excursion lower than the usual dosage.
    It made me feel misanthropic and remote.
    I could lower the dosage slower, but I'm not sure I want to do it anymore.
    Wellbutrin helps me grow as a human being, even though it often causes discomfort.
    Will I always be so stoic?
    I'm no longer a depressed stoic, but I'm still stoic.
    Does a part of me think it's unsafe to express emotions through my voice and gestures?
    Everyone is trying to grow at the same time. Sometimes society appears like a gigantic group therapy.
    I can envision a religion where the universe is seen as a giant therapy office, and God as The Grand Therapist
  9. Hertz
    Cut the dosage of wellbutrin. Today I started feeling the change. Not feeling anxious anymore. No more violent/suicidal thoughts. Had long stretches where I was feeling morose. Socializing is harder and less interesting. Sometimes feeling anti-social and like other humans are pigs.
  10. Hertz
    Sometimes I'm just glad to be able to experience things and share them, even if they are painful. I think difficulties have brought me closer to others and myself. I was always sensitive, but now it has become a strength.
    "Today I see the world with the eyes of the Heart
    I'm more sensitive to the invisible
    To everything that's within." ~ Gerry Boulet
  11. Hertz
    So my ex-gf is getting an abortion. We used contraception, but these things are never 100% proof. The date is december 13th.
    It's her body, so I know she has the last word, and I respect that. I suggested adoption, but her decision was made.
    I think it's too bad she has to go through this ordeal. I hope it won't traumatize her or anything. I offered my support whatever she chooses.
    It seems my phd won't start before next may. I had hoped to start in january, so that's a kind of failure.
    I'm aware of the whole 'keep going no matter what', 'make your dreams come true' thing. We're bombarded with it from tv shows, advertising, magazines etc. It's kinda good to a certain extent, but can drive you crazy too I think.
    What happens if you give up? Are you condemned to suic*de?
    But I digress.
    I'm thinking of taking a graduate course next winter, related to the phd, while I finish writing my master's thesis.
    I have a particular course in mind, but it seems so hard! I barely have the prerequisites. I just contacted by e-mail a girl I know who took the course. Maybe she can help me somewhat. This is stressing me out for some reason.
    I'm planning to go LARP-ing tomorrow, even though the other players are a bunch of sh*ts. I'll go because it can distract me from my problems. Maybe I'll leave early though.
    I talked to my dad on the phone today just before he went off to his country of birth, Chile, for 2-weeks. Near the end of the conversation I asked him to give salutations from me to the members of our family who live there. He then says: "Sure I'll do. But know they love you. The reason why they love you is that you are well-behaved, you don't annoy others, you're calm etc." I resent him for saying that. I'm thinking: "That's what you want me to be, what you encouraged me to be, because otherwise you would have to pay attention to me."
    I didn't have the motivation to tell him this because I just recently confronted my mom about an issue, and although it was for the good, I found it to be very draining, the reason being that it's not supposed to be that way, I shouldn't be educating my parents.
    So I'm pacing myself, but I'll continue doing it, because in the end it does improve the relationship.
  12. Hertz
    Thoughts on religion from an atheist viewpoint:
    - I'd like to go beyond the old debates and try to open a dialogue with religions. I think a basis for such a dialogue would be what meanings we give to events.
    - I think something good about Christianity, and probably other religions, is that it opened new ways of being. It allowed new types of heroes. Someone like Joan of Arc would not have been possible in Ancient Greece.
    - Christianity is the encounter between Ancient Greece, particularly Stoicism and Plato, and Judaism. It was probably more than just the addition of those two worlds, something like a creative synthesis.
    - Islam is the encounter between Judaism, Christianity and the Arab and Persian civilizations. So in that regard it is necessarily new. It can't be just a copy of the other religions.
    - If we go even further back, Judaism was probably the encounter between a number of different worlds. What were they?
    - If we go even earlier, we get simpler and simpler religions. The first religion might have looked something like only burying the dead with their possessions.
    - Will there be new civilizations? Or just the homogenization we are experiencing? Will it be necessary to colonize other planets in order for new civilizations to emerge? The distance between solar systems would give the necessary isolation for differentiation to become possible.
    When the unthinkable becomes thinkable:
    - In my life it occurred at least twice for me to experience this. First time was when I began to explore sexuality with men at 25, after a life of being certain I was straight. The second time was when I became an atheist, after being a Christian for 25 years.
    - Recently a new mini-revolution has occurred. A few years ago I had a long term relationship with a man, but I always saw it as temporary. We met abroad, and since we are from different countries and we'd have to go back someday and therefore be separated. I had never considered the possibility of spending my life with a man. I used to see my taste for men as something minor, on the side. During the past weeks, I let go of that. I realized it had more to do with the pressures of society.
    On my dating web site profile, I kept bisexual as sexual orientation, but deleted any indication of preference for women.
    I'm open now to whatever happens.
  13. Hertz
    My brother explains to me that the reason my mother died was through a succession of ailments due to venereal diseases.
    I'm inside the house I grew up in, with my brother. He is naked. He shows me a wall covered with live spiders, and explains to me that they serve as protection from the outside world.
    My mother's love is toxic in certain aspects.
    Spiders represent a possessive and overbearing mother.
    Addendum (11-02-2014):
    A part of me thought I owed great love for my mother, because I misinterpreted this overbearingness for love. This made me create a shield against my attraction for men. I tried in my life to find a female partner as a way to repay my mother's love by proxy, and I created a wall against homosexuality.
  14. Hertz
    I learn that somehow the actor Toby McGuire is my brother. For some reason, I believe this relationship comes from the paternal side of my family only.
    I start wondering about the possibilities this fact opens up, now that I have connections with Hollywood.
    Later, I'm in line in a sort of cafeteria. I pass multiple types of food and meals. I pass a chicken submarine on offer, and realize I'm at the end of the line and arrived at the cash register. I don't want to end up with nothing so I order two chicken submarines. It turns out also that I am a black man.
    Interpretation: I have unrealistic expectations. I need to come down from lofty ambitions and idealistic notions and take what's available.
  15. Hertz
    Reading back my 2013 entries, I describe feeling better and better when I lowered remeron from 15mg/d to 7.5mg/d. Things started going downhill after going even lower.
    Right now I am on remeron 15mg/d and wellbutrin 100mg/d. My goal is to change the remeron dosage to 7.5mg daily and stay there indefinitely.
    My plan is to take 7.5mg every 7 days for 2 rounds, then every 6 days and so on.
  16. Hertz
    Dream 1:
    I was in the high school I attended as a teenager. I was there because I had to do six occult rituals at different locations of the school. The situation was tense. Some people were after me. At one point, in one of the corridors, a fat lady started pursuing me. I fled, passed a door that led to the escalator, and I frantically tried to close and lock the door behind me, which I managed to do with the help of two unknown people.
    I reached one the locations. There I met a bunch of other people that were there to do the same thing. We knew each other, we were a group. We started moving towards the location. I took a wrong turn and lost sight of them. I stepped back and I found them, and we started the ritual.
    The ritual indicates that there is a habit that I need to break. Some waking pattern is repeating itself, resulting in a viscous cycle. The cycle might be of staying and always going back to school. I don't feel secure doing something if there aren't other people doing the same thing.
    Dream 2:
    I was skiing. At one point I was in a little used trail, and skied off a cliff and flew into the air, hundreds of meter above the ground. I had a parachute. I opened it and started flying in the air. I was approaching a neighbouring mountain. I spotted two landing spots: one was a big trail used by many skiers, the other was small and almost unused. I hesitated between the two. The latter was lower, so I had more chances to reach it. My intuition told me to land in it, so I did. When I landed, I was in snow up to my chest. I had trouble moving. I met a guy who was nice to me.
    A part of me would like to fit in more, and join the mainstream. I would like to leave the small trails to join the big ones. Yet, I manage to have fun and do interesting stuff, as indicated by the flying with the parachute.
    The parachute probably means that I feel safe.
    The multiple feet of snow probably represent my unconscious. There is work to be done deep inside me.
    Flying away from a mountain might mean that I overcame a major challenge. The second mountain might represent a new one.
  17. Hertz
    I'm sitting at a table outside a bar/restaurant, drinking something with Emma Watson. I think it's a date. Later I'm by myself, at some distance from there. I remember she is a movie star and I don't understand why she was with me. I try to find her but can't.
    It's night. I'm with a bunch of people near two swimming pools. One is further on my left and seems to have water, and one is in front of me, empty. A lady jumps in the empty one, as if there was water, and falls flat and hard on her back and the back of her head. I approach her. She has shabby clothes. She is still conscious. I don't understand why she did it. I grab her head and try to see if there is a wound, but I don't see any blood.
    2nd part: Maybe in the face of a certain situation, I behave as if I am feeling something, when I am not.
  18. Hertz
    This unemployment thing is... I'm not sure how to describe.
    I'm transitioning from student to worker, and it's not going well. I get rejected from everything.
    My marketable skills are very limited. I was trained to be an academic. That now seems like a terrible mistake.
    I could go into telemarketing like I did a few times. To me this is very sad.
    I don't want to become poor.
    Most jobs require experience or some sort of certification.
    Most jobs seem like they would make me go crazy after a while.
    I feel like being supported by my parents is hurting me. I don't feel the urgency of getting a job. I send resumes here and there. There is no real consequence if it doesn't work.
    I'm doing a training in education. I was taking 3 courses this semester, and decided to drop 2. I cancelled too late so it resulted in $600 getting thrown out the window. Of course it wasn't my money, it was my father's money. He did get p***** about it. He said he won't give me money anymore.
    I'd be glad if I felt real pressure. My father has always been very weak in that regard.
    What he didn't say and that I know is that when you're not investing your own money, then things don't have the same value in your eyes. You're not as careful.
    What I consider doing is getting a full-time job in anything and pay for this training myself. Then it would have real worth to me. Or not, I could also realize it's a complete waste of resources.
    I'd have to really consider carefully how many courses I want to take, if I want to drop any, etc.
    Maybe this isn't the real issue after all. Maybe there is no good path for me. I will be disgusted by myself whatever I do.
  19. Hertz
    Have been feeling flat all day. Probably because of bad sleep and lack of exercise.
    I doubt pretty much everyday the path I'm taking: still studying at 30 towards a degree I'll finish at 34 at best and that will lead me who knows where. I don't see any alternative though, nothing that motivates me more. I dropped out at 27, and went back to school after a one year hiatus. I remember pondering if I should resume or not, fighting the desire to go back and then opening the bible at a random page and reading a passage where an angel says to Abraham to not be incredulous. That was a tipping point. I dropped out a second time after a failed attempt to return, and the following fall I was able to manage because I had started treatment for depression.
    I often get cues like that from passages from books, movies, tv shows. It probably sounds crazy. I've consistently believed that God advises me through experiences, "random" encounters since the beginning of my depression. Some atheists say that religion makes you schizophrenic, or is a sort of schizophrenia. It's not totally wrong. But can a human being be totally one with himself? Doesn't everyone have an unconscious that gives them clues about their state through dreams, lapsus, and missed acts? Anyhow I wish to be one with myself one day.
    I see no point in starting a professional life right now, perhaps because I don't want to start a family, or because higher education was more valorized in my family hence I don't feel encouraged to get a job outside academia or something like medecine or law. My father is a doctor. After his second year in med school he studied to become a priest for seven years. He realized through therapy that getting a liberal job and earning money isn't incompatible with following Jesus, and decided to go back to medecine. My mother got a master's degree in psychology. My brother also studied until his thirties. He did a major in biology, then one in psychology, followed by the beginning of a PhD, which he interrupted when he got accepted to med school, his lifelong dream.
    What are my true motives? Am I manipulated into doing something useless because of bad conditioning? If not, why can't I embrace totally the path I'm taking? Is it because I feel too old for this? Is it a symptom of depression?
    I've been dragging along this doubt for a while. Does it have a purpose? Sometimes I think that if I was doing another activity I'd be nagged by other thoughts, perhaps worst ones.
    So far I've done two majors and I'll have two master's degrees. It seem ridiculous.
    At least I feel like I'm evolving, learning everyday new things, becoming more mature.
    I also realize I'm pretty immature for my age. I think my emotional development stopped somewhere during childhood, and started again when began a full blown depression. I'd say I'm at the level of a healthy teenager.
  20. Hertz
    One of my dreams for many years was to have a big heartbreak.
    I had never had one and felt I was missing out. I knew it was a symptom of my inability to fall in love.
    Then it happened. I fell in love. For the first time in two decades. She was not available. There was no possibility. I was, and still am, crushed.
    I'm living the dream.

    I'm glad I now have the ability to attach myself.
    This came with a price.
    I found out that the other side of love is loss.
    The more you love something, the harder the loss.
    The harder the distress. The bereavement. The crying. The hopelessness. The powerlessness.
    I'm also finding out that I have more strength in me than I thought.
    This situation is forcing me to rebuild myself.
    It also brought me closer to other people who've been through the same thing.
    And these might be better gifts than if I had ended up with this particular person.

  21. Hertz
    Dream 1:
    There is a man standing. He seems in his thirties, has a little bit of a beard. He's saying that he is a libertarian and thinks the government should abolish welfare programs. A woman is standing next to him, wearing jeans, about the same age. She turns to him, smiling, and tells him something in sign language. He replies in perfect sign language that he does not speak sign language.
    Dream 2:
    I'm in a park where there are other people. It's a summer day. I decide to lie on the ground on my back, to take a sort of nap.
    At some point everyone else gets up and they start reciting the american pledge of allegiance. I'm not american, but I decide to get up out of respect, but I don't put my hand on my chest like the others do.
    An old man approaches me and hits me with a pillow. I think it is because I did not do like the others. I hit him back with another pillow.
    Dream 1:
    Some part of me that is masculine and promotes self-reliance can't communicate with a feminine side. It has to find another way.
    Dream 2:
    Not doing like the others triggered a weak, harmless reaction. Perhaps in my waking life I need not worry too much about the consequences of doing things my way.
  22. Hertz
    Part 1: I'm standing in the backyard of a building. In the neighbouring terrain workers are excavating down a tunnel going underground in diagonal. A guy inside an excavator uses the mechanical shovel to go over the fence that separates the terrain I'm in and the neighbour's, and grabs and steals two orange traffic cones that are on my side. In the process he damages them. A supervisor tells him that what he did was wrong. Other construction workers gather around to see what's going on. I tell one of them the remain of one of the cones looks like a boot. We start joking around. We have the same humour. He is not particularly good looking, but I sense intense chemistry. I experience love at first sight.
    Part 2: There is a group of young teenage girls. A guy arrives. One of the girls tells him she is pregnant. He punches her in the stomach to **** the baby. He says he is sorry and leaves. She is on her knees. An older girl tells the others that if they help her they will receive a sum of money from the state. They are already living off the state.
    I am ready to delve into my subconscious and confront issues that are holding me back. Doing this makes me feel like I'm losing the possibility of slowing down, but some part of me fights back for the right to slow down. The boot represents a desire to protect myself, perhaps a fear of loving. My desire to slow down used to hide a fear of loving. In the process I am discovering a hidden and repressed part of myself that I don't find very beautiful.
    The abortion represents a failed project, probably the refusal I got from a sexual partner to become a couple.
  23. Hertz
    I saw the movie Nim's Island the other day. It's about Nim, a young girl living on an island when suddenly everything goes wrong when her father goes off to study plankton and doesn't come back, leaving her alone. She has to become a modern Robinson Crusoe, forage for food, etc. It's a family movie, intended for children and their parents. I'm not a child or a parent but it struck a chord in me. It reminded me of my own struggle as a child, having to become an emotional Robinson Crusoe within a family of cold and distant parents and sibling. I still am today to a large extent an emotional Robinson Crusoe. Excessively autonomous. Unable and unwilling to attach myself to others. I never cried after a breakup. I always keep an emotional distance with people, even the ones I had relationships with. I'm afraid of loving wholeheartedly, because I wasn't loved this way by my parents. I was taught that love is distant. And because my own love for them was always met with coldness. All my attempts to bridge the gap were unsuccessful. So I concluded it was a huge waste of energy and a source of distress to try to invest myself emotionally in others. It made be consider love as risky. Only now I'm starting to understand that it's ok to love without guarantees, that it's ok to love wholeheartedly without being certain things will last or work out in the future. If things don't work out, contrarily to when I was a child, I can move on. When I was a child, I was stuck with my parents, so it was justified to build walls to attenuate the daily disappointments that went on for years. Now I'm autonomous, I can choose who to have relationships with. Yes, it's going to hurt if I love someone and things don't work out as wanted, if the person leaves suddenly, etc. But as an adult I have the ability to turn the page, build a raft and leave the island.
  24. Hertz
    In Lovecraft's short stories, characters get a glimpse of the horror that underlies the universe, such as monstrous and powerful entities, and lose their sanity.
    I think in my life I witnessed abomination, i.e. neglect, indifference from those who count the most, and have lost my sanity.
    I feel like life is, at the end of the day, something horrible. I can do really positive things, but whenever I'll take a pause to think, life will seem horrible. Because 1) Life contains horror, and 2) I've been scarred by it.
    It's like the horror of life has been carved deep down in my heart. I'm not sure this can be solved, even after a million years of the best treatments and care.
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