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Blog Entries posted by Hertz

  1. Hertz
    I didn't get the position I interviewed for wednesday.
    Today I called and left a message to a company I had applied to last november, but which I declined I think for the wrong reasons: because it's not related to higher learning, or making use of my studies,
    I think all I want is a low stress job, 9 to 5, where I have to somewhat deal with the public, either by phone or in person, where I'm well treated and valorized. I don't think it matters to me if my studies are not used. I think I did all those studies not for me, but to impress my parents somewhat.
    I don't want to continue this race of continuing studies, where my mind is never really free. I think teaching is not the kind of job where you don't bring work at home, with all the marking you have to do. Is it really possible to disconnect when you're a teacher?
    Am I still trying to please or impress my parents in some way?
    When I think about the job I rejected last november, I feel a relief of pressure on my chest. The guy who interviewed me seemed really nice. He was proposing a career, with benefits, but my head intervened. My head is directing me towards pressure and discomfort. I wonder if I'm not in a cultist mentality, seeing some things as "wrong" because of belief, even though these things make me feel good.
    Maybe I'm idealizing the "other side". Yet, I'm willing to at least experiment something radically different than what I've been raised to believe.
    If the company calls me back and tells me the position isn't available anymore, I'm not sure what I'll do.
    On my way back from the interview, on the highway, I rode behind a big truck for most of the way. Somehow it made me feel safe.
    At one point a second truck got passed me, on the lane left of me, got past the first truck, changed lane so that it was in front of the first truck and me. Its movements were so slow, the way it changed lane was so slow. It was like watching two elephants in front of me. The slowness impressed me. It was like witnessing another way of being.
    An absence of reference.
    Doing things without watching old milestones.
    Creating new landmarks.
    Vulnerability, risk.
    Trusting your experience rather than discourse.
  2. Hertz
    Cancelled my project of doing a PhD. I went back to my hometown. Looking for a job. I feel as if I can do nothing. I have an engineering degree, but the diploma is hardly recognized because it's not from a reputed university. I have a bachelor in physics, a master's in mathematics, and a second master's in physics. All my knowledge is so theoretical. I don't want to work for the government. There are so many steps to enter the job market. When I look at job offers I realize I know nothing. I have no experience. I'm 31.
  3. Hertz
    Gave my dog away yesterday. To a friend of a friend. Someone reliable.
    Today I went for a walk, and the thought that he wouldn't be waiting at the door made me sit on a park bench and cry for half an hour.
    I hadn't cried like that since 2007, when depression was getting worse and I wasn't treated.
    Why get attached to someone if it's going to end someday and hurt like hell?
    Why did it have to end?
  4. Hertz
    One of my dreams for many years was to have a big heartbreak.
    I had never had one and felt I was missing out. I knew it was a symptom of my inability to fall in love.
    Then it happened. I fell in love. For the first time in two decades. She was not available. There was no possibility. I was, and still am, crushed.
    I'm living the dream.

    I'm glad I now have the ability to attach myself.
    This came with a price.
    I found out that the other side of love is loss.
    The more you love something, the harder the loss.
    The harder the distress. The bereavement. The crying. The hopelessness. The powerlessness.
    I'm also finding out that I have more strength in me than I thought.
    This situation is forcing me to rebuild myself.
    It also brought me closer to other people who've been through the same thing.
    And these might be better gifts than if I had ended up with this particular person.

  5. Hertz
    Had a big talk with my mother yesterday.
    It was a few hours after I came home from a ski trip. Things were ok until I lay in bed.
    I was feeling like all I do is futile, like I was condemned to feel miserable no matter what I do, even extraordinary feats. This certitude crept into my mind and I thought I'd better accept it. I was thinking: "Handicaps don't pretend they are not disabled, they go with it. So should unhappy people like me do". Naturally this led me to think about death.
    Then I remembered that one day my therapist told me that I should have more support, and suggested I'd need someone to encourage me, to congratulate me for the efforts I put. I responded that it'd be heaven.
    Then I thought, how would someone react if he saw a blind man recover sight, a paraplegic stand up and walk, or a mountain move from one place to another? He'd be stupefied to say the least.
    I think that what I've been doing since my depression started is of the same magnitude.
    Just going to that ski trip was an incredible act.
    Yet no one recognizes this. My mother, who knows I'm ill and spends time with me never congratulates me. When something happens to me, she'll say it's good. But she'll never say (neither will my father) that me performing the steps to accomplish a project is good.
    I could hear she was watching tv. So I got out of bed, walked up to her and told her pretty much what I wrote above.
    She told me that she expressed her approval implicitly and that I should pick up on those non-verbal messages. I told her I view this as indifference and that I want explicit recognition for the things I do.
    At the end she had tears coming out her eyes. Seeing an emotion come out of her, a break from her usual stoicism, made me glad.
    I hope things will change a little bit. Things seem so futile when you don't have someone who cheers for you. This should be what a family is about.
  6. Hertz
    A thing that annoys me lately is that, although I have many friends, none will contact me personally. I get the group emails, but not much else.
    I have a friend to whom I suggested by e-mail we grab a coffee. He agreed. Then I call him, he says he's going to a family member's cottage, and then he never calls back.
    I have a friend who last year I was the one calling him, like once a week or 2. I think he called me 2 times in the whole year. I called him twice this year, with no response. I didn't leave a message, but he has caller ID.
    There's one more friend to whom I was making the large majority of phone calls. I didn't call him this year and neither did he.
    Then there's this different group of friends from university. We do activities which we organize by group e-mails.
    I have one friend who calls me regularly, about once a month. We take coffees together, we have interesting conversations, but they're not especially fun. We don't have other friends in common.
    I feel alot of anger and disappointment, I get the impression seeing people is futile, that it leads to a dead-end of mediocrity. I feel that I'm unimportant in the eyes of most people I know.
  7. Hertz
    When I meet most guys, there is this instant brotherhood. I feel welcome, we can have an interesting conversation right off the bat, most of the time.
    With women, this is absent. I see an ice wall. Their facial expression is usually closed or suspicious. They rarely seem happy to talk to me. I think I've met 5 women who are happy to talk to me in all my life.
    I find this ice wall very offputting.
    Whenever I see this ice wall I find myself extremely frustrated afterwards. It might be because it reminds me of my mother, and it lets old sour feelings re-emerge.
    I began Tango lessons 2 weeks ago, and my partner for the lessons is very cold. I don't like her at all. I don't think I can change partner at this point. Sometimes during the lesson the instructor tells us to switch partner momentarily. After the lesson we are free to dance with whoever we want. Things are better with some of the other partners. Sometimes it is worse. I can't say I've had a great time with any of them yet.
  8. Hertz
    Whenever I look at women, 99.9% of the time, I see contempt, scorn, with a tinge of anger directed me.
    I wonder if it's not actually my reflection.
    Do I see my mother in them, and does that make me scornful and angry?
    Once in a while, a woman looks at me with interest. Each time, it makes me feel uneasy, tense, on guard. I feel an obligation to perform. I feel that whatever I do, I will lose, which turns to frustration. Perhaps it's because I'm not interested.
    When I look at a beautiful woman and it turns me on, is it because I am attracted, or because I envy her femininity?
    When a man looks at me, I generally see kindness, or harmless indifference. The other day, I walked past a guy on the street, and he looked at me with interest in his eyes, and it made me feel good.
    I'm starting to realize that a relationship with a man would bring me a lot more than with a woman.
  9. Hertz
    1st part: I was attending a conference by a celebrity called Guy A. Lepage. He was saying that because young people thought that he had it all, they would ignore him. And he was saying this as if it was hurting him.
    2nd part:
    I was at the theatre to watch a play. During the play, a couple (a man and a woman) next to me started having sex. They didn't make any noise to not catch attention. The woman had her back turn towards me. I could see her naked ass, and the rest was covered. The man had dark skin.
    After the play, there was a period of questions to the makers of the play. The lady asked a question, as if she had paid attention to the play. It made me angry and I called out on her that she and her boyfriend had sex during the play and so did not pay attention.
    I stormed out. Outside there were celebrities patrolling, and they were trying to catch me for what I had done.
  10. Hertz
    I've been taking more clonazepram lately, because I have nothing to do, paradoxically.
    There are three sources of stress that are due to forms of pauperism: boredom, loneliness, poverty.
    What happens to those who experience all three?
    I live in a neighbourhood where there are a lot of retired people. They and I are the only people circulating in the sidewalks during the day. It's strange to be surrounded by much older people. Even my father with whom I live is more than forty years older than me. It probably has an effect on me.
    One of the retired people is a lady called Olga from Estonia I met in a strange circumstance. I was walking my dog around 11 PM. She was standing in front of a house, and she asked for my help. At first I thought she might be nuts, I was wary of getting involved in a crazy shenanigan. She explained to me she had spotted a door that had been left as trash near the sidewalk, and she wanted to bring it to her home. I let my guard down and decided to help her. Her car was parked there, and there was enough space inside. We tried lifting the door but it was just too heavy for us. We tried to find other options, when a couple walked by, and Olga asked them if they could help. The other guy and I managed to lift the door and put it in the car. After that she invited me to come to her house the next day. She told me it'd have to be before noon. We exchanged number. The day after, I woke up late. It was around 11 AM, I didn't feel like seeing people. Around 11:15 I forced myself to call her. I went to her house, which was a real museum. She was almost a hoarder. She told me she was from an aristocratic family which had to flee when the soviets took control during ww2. She was quite eccentric and she acknowledged it, and told me it was ok to be different.
    I took a picture of her and my dog.
  11. Hertz
    Quit my job last thursday because of a workplace bully.
    Today slept from 10:00 am to 9 pm.
    This is gonna be fun.
    Feeling anxious but I'm out of Rivotril.
    Two people told me I should create a LinkedIn profile. Some part of me thinks it is futile.
  12. Hertz
    I learn that somehow the actor Toby McGuire is my brother. For some reason, I believe this relationship comes from the paternal side of my family only.
    I start wondering about the possibilities this fact opens up, now that I have connections with Hollywood.
    Later, I'm in line in a sort of cafeteria. I pass multiple types of food and meals. I pass a chicken submarine on offer, and realize I'm at the end of the line and arrived at the cash register. I don't want to end up with nothing so I order two chicken submarines. It turns out also that I am a black man.
    Interpretation: I have unrealistic expectations. I need to come down from lofty ambitions and idealistic notions and take what's available.
  13. Hertz
    This unemployment thing is starting to get very unpleasant.
    I have no structure. Lost all purpose. Complete adherence to procrastination.
    Even though I do nothing, days go by fast, just like when I'm busy.
    I have no compelling goal. Moments of enthusiasm are brief.
    I lost all work ethics. I wish I could depend on someone else financially.
    My only pleasure is eating sugar.
    Thinking about death and suicide daily.
    99% of actions make me feel like I'm overextending myself.
    No motivation. Desire to isolate more and more.
  14. Hertz
    Last friday I took a Swing lesson with two friends. After the class more people came and started dancing, with jazz music playing. I danced with a few girls, practiced the moves I just had learned and chatted a bit with them.
    I mentioned to a girl I met on a dating site that I'd go there. She told me she had been dancing Swing since the past 6 years. She ended up coming that evening, even though we hadn't planned a meeting. I danced a little with her and we talked a bit. She seemed nice. I hope we'll see each other again.
    The next evening I went LARPing (live action role play). It allows me to practice social skills, but I find it a bit boring. It's like american football: There's 15 minutes of action for 3 hours of j****** off. Only a handful of people over there seemed nice so far. They all seem to get along so well. I try to mingle, join conversations, appear interested, but it's very hard to get through. It's hard to get anyone's attention. They all seem so busy with (in-game) projects I know little about. At least it's only once a month.
    When I look back a few months, or even a few days after such events, I get some satisfaction from knowing I did things despite my illness. But while they are occurring, I'm often bored, tense, and I go home feeling empty handed.
    At least I have other activities I enjoy.
    Anxiety and suicidal ideations are creeping back. I thought I had found the right medication combo. I decided to add an AD because I was sleeping too much and couldn't function in the morning. I sleep less, but I'm so anxious. I feel stressed out, I crave relaxing activities, obvious signs of anxiety increase. And I have these violent images popping in my head, and the dread of not knowing of a way out.
    I'm stuck with the choice of sleeping 10-12h a day and being able to work very little, or being productive and anxious. My reason for wanting to be productive so badly is that I have a master's thesis to submit by december 31st and want to start a phd program in january.
    My previous combo, the one that makes me sleep too much, also made me feel unbearably sad after a while.
    I tried getting off ADs this summer, tapering them off slowly. I even asked to be prescribed a sleeping pill, since one of the ADs helps me sleep.
    The result was me feeling less and less motivated, without drive or energy. Perhaps this was to be temporary, an effect of the weaning process. I didn't have the will to go through, so I started taking them again.
    I want to be productive, but I don't know if in the long run I'll be able to cope with this high level of anxiety.
  15. Hertz
    In Lovecraft's short stories, characters get a glimpse of the horror that underlies the universe, such as monstrous and powerful entities, and lose their sanity.
    I think in my life I witnessed abomination, i.e. neglect, indifference from those who count the most, and have lost my sanity.
    I feel like life is, at the end of the day, something horrible. I can do really positive things, but whenever I'll take a pause to think, life will seem horrible. Because 1) Life contains horror, and 2) I've been scarred by it.
    It's like the horror of life has been carved deep down in my heart. I'm not sure this can be solved, even after a million years of the best treatments and care.
  16. Hertz
    I've been feeling ridiculously down for so long. Nothing works. A big milestone for me would be to feel ok 2 days in a row, without being super-busy.
    I can feel positive emotions, but it's so episodic. Pain is everywhere. Either people are so busy they can't feel anything, or they find a substitute, like monks with meditation or addicts with drugs.
    Is there really such a big difference between each of these? They all follow a repetitive daily routine to escape from pain.
    Sometimes I wonder if every religion was invented in order to escape the abyss of pain and disenchantment. Maybe in Jesus time israelis were at a very low point because of the occupation by the romans, they were totally discouraged and miserable. So they were ready for anything, any sign of hope. So after Jesus died, a bunch of people said: "We've got great material here to give a new meaning to our existence. Let's share it with everyone and tell them he did miracles. They will believe and hang on to our words because they are so desperate". Maybe they invented the miracles because it was either this or despair. Sometimes men are ready for anything, ANYTHING, to change their situation or perception.
    I credit christianism for helping me not fall into despair, so it does work. And I believe in those miracles, probably because of despair.
    Religions are great for binding people together, within their respective religions. People need people, since the dawn of time, to cope with pain.
  17. Hertz
    Today I ask my roommate (to whom I pay the rent because she has the lease) "Are you going out tonight?". She replies: "Why do you want to know?" and I answer "Out of humanity". She then complains that I don't open up enough and tells me: "You should learn to communicate". I started to walk towards my room meanwhile and said before entering my room: "Well, considering your response...". I wanted to say "considering your response you are the one who has problems communicating", but I stalled and she said "You understood exactly", meaning that her response was triggered by my lack of communication skills.
    I moved there at the beginning of september and luckily next monday I am moving to a university residence.
    I have a hotel brochure and called them about getting a room, but the only rooms left were at an unreasonable price. Instead I decided to send her a letter, a month or two from now, when all the adress changes will be processed in regard to my bank, university and other institutions. I wrote the letter and put it in an envelope adressed to her.
    What she doesn't know is that from a conversation with her mother I have an element that she will not be able to dismiss. Here's the content:
  18. Hertz
    Have been feeling flat all day. Probably because of bad sleep and lack of exercise.
    I doubt pretty much everyday the path I'm taking: still studying at 30 towards a degree I'll finish at 34 at best and that will lead me who knows where. I don't see any alternative though, nothing that motivates me more. I dropped out at 27, and went back to school after a one year hiatus. I remember pondering if I should resume or not, fighting the desire to go back and then opening the bible at a random page and reading a passage where an angel says to Abraham to not be incredulous. That was a tipping point. I dropped out a second time after a failed attempt to return, and the following fall I was able to manage because I had started treatment for depression.
    I often get cues like that from passages from books, movies, tv shows. It probably sounds crazy. I've consistently believed that God advises me through experiences, "random" encounters since the beginning of my depression. Some atheists say that religion makes you schizophrenic, or is a sort of schizophrenia. It's not totally wrong. But can a human being be totally one with himself? Doesn't everyone have an unconscious that gives them clues about their state through dreams, lapsus, and missed acts? Anyhow I wish to be one with myself one day.
    I see no point in starting a professional life right now, perhaps because I don't want to start a family, or because higher education was more valorized in my family hence I don't feel encouraged to get a job outside academia or something like medecine or law. My father is a doctor. After his second year in med school he studied to become a priest for seven years. He realized through therapy that getting a liberal job and earning money isn't incompatible with following Jesus, and decided to go back to medecine. My mother got a master's degree in psychology. My brother also studied until his thirties. He did a major in biology, then one in psychology, followed by the beginning of a PhD, which he interrupted when he got accepted to med school, his lifelong dream.
    What are my true motives? Am I manipulated into doing something useless because of bad conditioning? If not, why can't I embrace totally the path I'm taking? Is it because I feel too old for this? Is it a symptom of depression?
    I've been dragging along this doubt for a while. Does it have a purpose? Sometimes I think that if I was doing another activity I'd be nagged by other thoughts, perhaps worst ones.
    So far I've done two majors and I'll have two master's degrees. It seem ridiculous.
    At least I feel like I'm evolving, learning everyday new things, becoming more mature.
    I also realize I'm pretty immature for my age. I think my emotional development stopped somewhere during childhood, and started again when began a full blown depression. I'd say I'm at the level of a healthy teenager.
  19. Hertz
    I'm so frustrated by the "impossibility" of getting off meds. The physical side effects are not so bad when I try. It's this feeling of being disconnected from life, having no vitality etc. I basically become depressed again. I can't tolerate going back to full blown depression because I don't know how long it would last before I'd reach back the level where I'm at. I consider this time would be wasted. What if it takes a year? Do I want to lose a year, at the age I'm at, that I'd never get back? I have so much to learn and experiment, do I want to postpone this for an indefinite amount of time?
    A social and professional life requires a lot of mental energy, presence and alertness, things I lose for an unknown amount of time when I'm off meds.
    And there's this doubt I have. What if getting off the meds, after awhile, would allow me to attain a greater level of satisfacion and functionality.
    The whole thing feels like a pact with the devil.
  20. Hertz
    I never had a good relationship with my mother. I have always found her extremely cold.
    This left me with a longing for an ideal mother, in any shape or form. These past years in my mind she has taken the form of the Virgin Mary. She has many of the attributes that make her an appropriate choice for me : She was never touched by her husband, therefore her son had a sort of exclusivity, there was no father-son rivalry for her love. Also, it's easy to imagine her as warm and kind, because her son was. And she is mysterious since there are so few details about her in the scriptures, hence I can project my fantasies on her.
    Right now I'm thinking: " The Virgin Mary is dead. Also, you'll never get the great mother you always wanted. Your childhood is over, you can't rewrite the past. So this Great Mother you're longing for is dead, gone." Yet, I can't let go totally.
    I see a parallel with people who have trouble with their ex love partners. Sometimes the ghost of a past relationship spoils the future ones, because the person idealizes that ex so much, that every person he meets falls short.
    At one point I'll have to grieve this ideal mother. I'm certainly in the process. I know the idea is not to replace the lost person, not to stay attached to a certain image and try to see the object of loss in living persons.
    Maybe the idea is to embrace the New, the Unknown. Perhaps even, the Better.
  21. Hertz
    There was this asian woman. She was walking with a group of people. They were talking about the fact that she hated destruction. Any kind of it. They were approaching a huge historical building. One member of the group, a red haired woman was trying to explain to her that destruction is OK sometimes. By some kind of magical power, she made the building collapse. She then rewinded the process back to one second after the beginning of the collapse, and froze time there. She then invited the group to walk inside.
    They started exploring the first floor. The asian lady found a dessert buffet. There were cakes and ice cream. She started eating some ice cream. It started undulating at one spot and it turned out there was a small creature submerged. The redhead explained that it was a baby rat. The asian woman wanted to leave it alone. The redhead drew a knife and planted it in the baby rat in a vertical motion. The asian lady was displeased and would have had preferred to save it.
    The group then sat in circle around the asian woman and she sat too, and they tried to reason her. At one point I asked her, "Do you have a messiah complex?", and when I asked that my vision blurred for a second.
    I don't like commitment because it destroys all the other possibilities. I prefer to have lots of choices and not commit to one of them, in order to preserve them. The cakes could represent the proverb "You can't have your cake and eat it too."
  22. Hertz
    This unemployment thing is... I'm not sure how to describe.
    I'm transitioning from student to worker, and it's not going well. I get rejected from everything.
    My marketable skills are very limited. I was trained to be an academic. That now seems like a terrible mistake.
    I could go into telemarketing like I did a few times. To me this is very sad.
    I don't want to become poor.
    Most jobs require experience or some sort of certification.
    Most jobs seem like they would make me go crazy after a while.
    I feel like being supported by my parents is hurting me. I don't feel the urgency of getting a job. I send resumes here and there. There is no real consequence if it doesn't work.
    I'm doing a training in education. I was taking 3 courses this semester, and decided to drop 2. I cancelled too late so it resulted in $600 getting thrown out the window. Of course it wasn't my money, it was my father's money. He did get p***** about it. He said he won't give me money anymore.
    I'd be glad if I felt real pressure. My father has always been very weak in that regard.
    What he didn't say and that I know is that when you're not investing your own money, then things don't have the same value in your eyes. You're not as careful.
    What I consider doing is getting a full-time job in anything and pay for this training myself. Then it would have real worth to me. Or not, I could also realize it's a complete waste of resources.
    I'd have to really consider carefully how many courses I want to take, if I want to drop any, etc.
    Maybe this isn't the real issue after all. Maybe there is no good path for me. I will be disgusted by myself whatever I do.
  23. Hertz
    1st dream:
    I'm watching a field of plants. I'm disappointed because they're not growing. A solution I think of is giving them more room above them.
    2nd dream:
    I'm driving a police car. There's a cop colleague sitting in the passenger seat besides me. The car is in a certain "mode" that gives it a boost (sort of like the batmobile turbo boost). The guy next to me is telling me that I don't need to give the car a boost right now. I finish his sentence by saying that it's only necessary for emergencies.
  24. Hertz
    My brother explains to me that the reason my mother died was through a succession of ailments due to venereal diseases.
    I'm inside the house I grew up in, with my brother. He is naked. He shows me a wall covered with live spiders, and explains to me that they serve as protection from the outside world.
    My mother's love is toxic in certain aspects.
    Spiders represent a possessive and overbearing mother.
    Addendum (11-02-2014):
    A part of me thought I owed great love for my mother, because I misinterpreted this overbearingness for love. This made me create a shield against my attraction for men. I tried in my life to find a female partner as a way to repay my mother's love by proxy, and I created a wall against homosexuality.
  25. Hertz
    I noticed that since I embraced homosexuality a lot more, my relationship with women has skyrocketed.
    At work, there are three young women, and they tend to orbit around me. Last time, one of them even said she wanted to kidnap me.
    For the first time in my life, I enjoy interacting with women and feel completely relaxed around them.
    In return, I can observe they enjoy my company a lot more, and even make steps to interact with me.
    Actually, the last time I had fun with women was when I was a very young child.
    What poisoned my relationship with women in the past is that I wanted them to give me the healthy love I never got from my mother, and I wanted to repay her overbearingness that I had mistaken for love. This constant expectation put a toll on any interaction with them.
    Women could feel this pressure, just by how I looked at them. In my eyes there was probably resentfulness and anger, and a craving for something they could never supply. They responded by closing themselves to me, which created a cycle. Once in a while, a girl would be interested in me, and it triggered nothing but coldness on my part.
    This was a totally unexpected side-effect of going gay, although it makes total sense since abandoning unhealthy expectations means there is no longer any psychic cost associated with interacting with women.
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