Today I called and left a message to a company I had applied to last november, but which I declined I think for the wrong reasons: because it's not related to higher learning, or making use of my studies,
I think all I want is a low stress job, 9 to 5, where I have to somewhat deal with the public, either by phone or in person, where I'm well treated and valorized. I don't think it matters to me if my studies are not used. I think I did all those studies not for me, but to impress my parents somewhat.
I don't want to continue this race of continuing studies, where my mind is never really free. I think teaching is not the kind of job where you don't bring work at home, with all the marking you have to do. Is it really possible to disconnect when you're a teacher?
Am I still trying to please or impress my parents in some way?
When I think about the job I rejected last november, I feel a relief of pressure on my chest. The guy who interviewed me seemed really nice. He was proposing a career, with benefits, but my head intervened. My head is directing me towards pressure and discomfort. I wonder if I'm not in a cultist mentality, seeing some things as "wrong" because of belief, even though these things make me feel good.
Maybe I'm idealizing the "other side". Yet, I'm willing to at least experiment something radically different than what I've been raised to believe.
If the company calls me back and tells me the position isn't available anymore, I'm not sure what I'll do.
On my way back from the interview, on the highway, I rode behind a big truck for most of the way. Somehow it made me feel safe.
At one point a second truck got passed me, on the lane left of me, got past the first truck, changed lane so that it was in front of the first truck and me. Its movements were so slow, the way it changed lane was so slow. It was like watching two elephants in front of me. The slowness impressed me. It was like witnessing another way of being.
An absence of reference.
Doing things without watching old milestones.
Creating new landmarks.
Trusting your experience rather than discourse.