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Blog Entries posted by Hertz

  1. Hertz
    I don't want to become a nihilist, but I don't want to live a life of illusions and fantasy either. 
    Some people say you can create your own meaning. That sounds great if you are creative and have enough vitality to realize your creations. I guess I ran out of steam. My mind doesn't come up with ideas. Not everyone can be an Elon Musk and have a billion ideas and the means to do them.
  2. Hertz
    Struggling with suicidal thoughts.
    Body aching.
    Musculoskeletal pain.
    Flu that started yesterday.
    Trying different med combos without success.
  3. Hertz
    Trigger warning: talk of suicide
    Since I've gone back on remeron and wellbutrin, suicidal thoughts have been predictably slamming into me.
    Trying Cymbalta right now. Although it decreased suidal thoughts, I don't think it cuts it. I feel too sluggish on it.
    The brain is an interconnected system and a single thing can affect the whole.
    I've sort of been there before and it was temporary. The longest so far has been a 1.5 years period in 2008-2009 of daily suicidal thoughts, until I started adding pristiq to the cocktail.
    I tried replicating this trick but it didn't work. Perhaps my body is still adjusting to remeron and wellbutrin. I have to give it time.
  4. Hertz
    This time I've seen the black hole.
    Much more than my first depression.
    The previous depression was a walk in the park.
    This one, I can see death and oblivion in the face.
  5. Hertz
    I don't buy it anymore. Feeling disconnected from society, from humanity. One day I will be dead and nothing will matter anymore. In the meantime, I don't buy into any reason to live or contribute.

    One positive note: my back has been getting steadily better since the end of august.
  6. Hertz
    Unemployed and very unhopeful about finding a job I like.
    (Why the hell does it skip a line when I press return on my phone)
    Sitting in a coffee shop drinking an expresso on a rainy day, looking out the window, thinking it makes perfect sense why people fall into addictions.
    I see two pedestrians smoking cigarettes waiting for the green light to cross the street. Getting their dose of pleasure and reward. Would they have gotten this habit if their lives were rewarding?
    It can take so many shapes. Cigarettes, compulsive smartphone use, video games, overeating, porn addiction etc. Such a variety of roads. 
    Sometimes true authentic rewards seem out of reach, or insufficient. And addiction so tempting, like a big mamma always with her arms open.
  7. Hertz
    I think the anti-depressants are finally kicking in. After like 4 months.
    I think it took a while because I wasn't taking them consistently, mostly due to interference caused by cannabis. Simply put, I could not ingest both on the same day to avoid unpleasant effects, so I would skip medication multiple times a week. 3 weeks ago I had my last joint.

    Feeling more solid.
    Back and neck pain have dropped significantly. This on its own is like a prayer answered. Dealing with chronic pain was a huge source of distress.
    Energy levels are kind of wobbly. I've been relying on coffee a lot these past days, without always great results.
    I've been feeling pretty contemplative these past days, listening to a lot of music.
  8. Hertz
    I'm quasi-dead.
    I'm continuing this charade?
    Each day an overtime.
    No one can understand.
    Absolutely no one.
    I must be doing something wrong.
    I can only say I'm sorry to myself, cause I don't know what else to do.

  9. Hertz
    A nagging question in my mind is if my actions, thoughts and words are really mine.
    I acknowledge my sensations and emotions as mine, but sometimes I feel/wonder if the rest of my being could be a sort of cassette player, playing whatever my parents and society put in there.
    How could I feel more ownership of my being, words, thoughts and actions?
    Perhaps I'm not listening to my desires. Do I put other ppls needs first? Distracting myself could help as well.
  10. Hertz
    I see open doors and invitations I don't want.
    Feeling out of place.
    I hate when the only opportunities around are ones that lead to things I already did and want to move away from.
    Yet I feel like I'm missing out on this past life.
    The egg is not hatching.
    The baby is not coming out.
    It died in the womb.
    It is decomposing and poisoning the host.
    Whatever state it is in, it needs to come out.
    In the meantime I live the vanilla proletariat life.
    I'm sending the wrong signals and vibes, and the universe predictably mirrors them.
    Some people have to work 10 times less to become true to themselves.
    The world is tailored to them.
    They find their truth at a low cost.
    Some truths cost a lot to be found. Perhaps everything. Sometimes your own life.
    Some people die because they live their truth.
    Some people's truths on the contrary lead to vast earthly rewards.
    The margin is where you actually trade hard work for opprobium and peace with yourself.
    Sometimes stones hurt less than inner warfare.
    Sometimes being crucified seems like something delectable compared to inner turmoil.
    When the pain inside is such that it makes all exterior pain taste like vanilla ice cream, then I guess you are ready for anything.
  11. Hertz
    As a child I would sometimes imagine what it would be like to be confined inside a block of concrete, within a space having the same shape and volume as me, with tubes connected to the exterior to eat, breath and evacuate waste.
    At the time it saw it as a sort of anguishing thought experiment. Now when I look back I think it was a reflection of how I was feeling inside.
    A human being maintained and limited to biological existence. Powerless, without any options. Getting out not even conceivable. Slowly driven mad by isolation, confinement, lack of stimuli.
    Indeed, I was probably starting  the process of mental deterioration. I don't think I was biologically predisposed for depression and anxiety.
    My mental health was slowly being eroded but I wasn't realizing it.
  12. Hertz
    Part 1: I receive news that I have cancer.
    Part 2: Doctors tell me that they removed a vertebra in my lower back. I don't feel any difference except the pain is gone.
    Part1: Something, an emotion perhaps, is eating away at me.
    Part 2: Positive: Something that was causing pain has been removed from my life. Might refer to a colleague I fell in love with and who is leaving the company.
  13. Hertz
    A knight was mandated by the king to save the princess locked prisoner in an underground network of caves deep within a mountain.
    There he fought and slayed countless foul creatures: minotaurs, beholders, goblins, and even a dragon.
    Within the last deepest chamber he found the princess. She was hanging by a rope wrapped around her wrists. Underneath her, a pit. 
    The knight approached the chasm. It was dark with a foul smell. Strange noises were coming from it. Using a torch he could discern the movement of rotten, mangled human faces, corrupted hands. The pit was infested by zombies.
    As they saw him, they pressed themselves in the direction the knight was.
    The knight proceded to untie the princess and drop her safely away from the pit.
    The princess said: "Thank you so much! Now let's hurry up and go back to my father's palace!"
    The knight was weary after such a hard journey. Somehow he felt compelled by the zombie's appetite for him. Sure, the king would probably appreaciate his service and give him a hefty amount of gold. But these zombies seemed to want him whole. They were ravenously eager to swallow him completely and make him part of them.
    He took off his armour, enjoying the removal of such a heavy burden.
    The princess said: "What are you doing?"
    He said: "You can find the way out yourself, just keep taking the tunnels that are going up. I slayed all the monsters. You will be safe". He then walked to the edge of the pit and jumped. The princess let out a horrified scream.
    The knight landed on the zombies, and for a few seconds was floating over the sea of their arms and heads, smiling, with a feeling of letting go, of pure abandonnement.
    Soon the zombies started clutching and gripping him down towards the floor of the pit. All he could see was darkness. All he could hear was the raspy frenetic screams of the zombies driven mad by hunger. 
    As he was violently shuffled and torn appart the knight was in peace, thinking: "For once in my life I am wanted. Soon I will be part of them, either as chunks in their gut, or as one of them."
  14. Hertz
    One of my dreams for many years was to have a big heartbreak.
    I had never had one and felt I was missing out. I knew it was a symptom of my inability to fall in love.
    Then it happened. I fell in love. For the first time in two decades. She was not available. There was no possibility. I was, and still am, crushed.
    I'm living the dream.

    I'm glad I now have the ability to attach myself.
    This came with a price.
    I found out that the other side of love is loss.
    The more you love something, the harder the loss.
    The harder the distress. The bereavement. The crying. The hopelessness. The powerlessness.
    I'm also finding out that I have more strength in me than I thought.
    This situation is forcing me to rebuild myself.
    It also brought me closer to other people who've been through the same thing.
    And these might be better gifts than if I had ended up with this particular person.

  15. Hertz
    I think my attachment to her reveals how sad my life is, how lonely I am inside.
    It shows there are things missing in my life.
    What are these things?

    This longing for something impossible might be a memory of my childhood desire for love and acceptance.
    I'm reenacting the desire to have my parents provide warmth, encouragement, support.
    Endless loop of longing for something impossible.

    I can't forget her because I must remember what happened when I was a child.
    The loneliness, the sadness, the frustration.

    I'm still disappointed by my parents.
    I'm still longing for some type of turn-around that will never happen.
    Is this desire for her what I felt as a child? This mix of longing, disappointment, frustration, sadness? This feeling that if things were different, that if the object of desire was available, everything would be amazing?
    How can I console the child in me?

  16. Hertz
    I'm with Trump who is my father. A bunch of people start throwing insults at him. I feel compelled to defend him so I interpose myself physically between him and them.
  17. Hertz
    I wish I could take a pill and forget about her.
    She's like my default thought and obsession.
    Being away from her didn't help.
    I feel weaponless.
    She got me.
    I'm under her hold for god knows how long.
    I overcame many things in my life.
    This I don't know how to.
  18. Hertz
    I'm in my childhood home with my mom and brother. The neighbor comes in and talks to us with disrespect and intimidates us. There is a feeling of powerlessness and of being under the rule of a tyrant. He goes away. I'm by myself and start a rant and scream at a flat tv that contains pictures. I pretend like I'm talking to my father and denounce how he claims to be so high class and superior, yet treated my mom, brother and I like crap. After I'm done ranting to the tv screen I go away and notice I'm even more angry instead of feeling relief.
    Interpretation: I've been disrespected by different people lately which made me extremely angry. Instead of talking to them about it, I blocked them on social media and phone lists (represented by the screen). Doing this does not diminish the anger and might even do the opposite. 
  19. Hertz
    A squirrel steals something from another one which jumps on the thief's back and clings to it. They are both immobile as the one below won't let go of what it stole, and the one on top won't let go of the thief. I walk by and am astounded that they don't run away. I try to intimidate them by walking closer to them. They turn towards me, still clinging to each other, and they approach me. I get scared of getting fleas from them and go away.
    The dream illustrates something I'm going through right now. I was in a relationship where the other person was very clingy. I had to walk away to avoid having this relationship parasitize my life.
  20. Hertz
    Russian prisoners who work in a Nazi base learn that their captors plan to **** them even in the case of victory.
    They steal cars and manage to leave the base. After 3 days, 3 out of 4 escapees are recaptured and killed.
    All throughout the dream I am a spectator and feel like I'm seeing a past event.
    I find myself admiring the Russians' courage and ability to engineer an escape attempt.
    The dream reflects my childhood and how inhumane emotionally it was. I haven't completely escaped.
  21. Hertz
    I'm in a huge hangar with the singer Maynard. It contains all the garbage that we have thrown away in the past, including food left overs.
    There is no odour. For this reason I say it's a good thing the climate is not tropical.
    I find a shirt. It's not beautiful, and looks a little wrinkled, yet I encourage Maynard to replace the one he is wearing with it.
    He accepts. He doesn't want me to look while he changes, while saying jokingly that he cast spells so that I wouldn't be able to see.

    I'm regressing and adopting behaviours and thoughts that I had rejected in the past as parasitic.
  22. Hertz
    I spent 20 years without having a crush, infatuation or falling in love.
    At 16 I had a crush on a girl. Then nothing for two decades.
    All these years I was extremely independent to say the least. I had a few relationships, but not one created attachment.
    My heart was not available for some reason.
    I was an emotional Robinson Crusoe.
    I started taking Remeron around 2008. It was very helpful, helped me become active, in combination with a low dose of Wellbutrin.
    Last June I felt it was time to make another attempt at stopping Remeron.
    I had made attempts in the past but none worked.
    This one is the most successful so far. I've been taking about 1 dose of 15mg per week since then, and I haven't fallen back in depression. I even feel a new vitality in some aspects.
    One of them is the ability to have crushes.
    For the first time in 20 years, I feel like my heart has a spot available for someone else.
    This is exciting but at the same time painful since I'm single, and also since I find myself having crushes on people that are not available.
    It's a pain I like though. I feel like this is something that was missing in my life. I'm glad I'm getting a taste of something other than my usual excessive independence. Yet it makes me feel more vulnerable to the effects of disappointment and loneliness.
  23. Hertz
    Eating hot-dogs to nourish my soul
    Asking for lemons and rejecting mangoes and strawberries
    Can I really navigate life? Can I really take care of myself?
    I want things and reject opportunities to reach them
    I'm a self-hypocrite
  24. Hertz
    I'm completetely disconnected from myself. I can't find my way in life. Nothing is coming together. I don't trust my will and desires. I'm not good at taking care of myself. I seek what is bad for me and reject what is good. I overblow every problem into a tragedy. I'm subjugated by my past, my parents education and society. I don't like where this is leading.
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