Hertz

Yes it does. Maybe it's the wrong word. My issue is really about attachment and being unable to summon it.

I wonder if there are any people out there with attachment issues similar to mine. Basically, I can't develop feelings of attachment. I have friends and relations and appreciate social stimulation, but I don't feel love. I don't think it is a an attachment style issue. I had a therapist suggest I may have an avoidant attachment style, but I think it goes beyond that. The feelings are just not there. This leaves me feeling disconnected from others, and myself as well.

Trist - Květy snových dálek

Struggling with suicidal thoughts. Body aching. Musculoskeletal pain. Insomnia. Flu that started yesterday. Trying different med combos without success.

Struggling.

Trist - Květy snových dálek

Trigger warning: talk of suicide Since I've gone back on remeron and wellbutrin, suicidal thoughts have been predictably slamming into me. Trying Cymbalta right now. Although it decreased suidal thoughts, I don't think it cuts it. I feel too sluggish on it. The brain is an interconnected system and a single thing can affect the whole. I've sort of been there before and it was temporary. The longest so far has been a 1.5 years period in 2008-2009 of daily suicidal thoughts, until I started adding pristiq to the cocktail. I tried replicating this trick but it didn't work. Perhaps my body is still adjusting to remeron and wellbutrin. I have to give it time.

If there's a new way, I'll be the first in line.

This time I've seen the black hole. Much more than my first depression. The previous depression was a walk in the park. This one, I can see death and oblivion in the face.

If I went into a time machine, it's likely I would just make different mistakes. Being human means making mistakes. That's how we evolve. People who are happy did not make less mistakes. They were priviledged to receive tools to better cope with mistakes. They had more supportive, more encouraging parents. They felt loved and supported, so their mistakes don't affect their sense of self-worth. I think a better avenue is to own our mistakes and learn from them.

Cynical.

I don't buy it anymore. Feeling disconnected from society, from humanity. One day I will be dead and nothing will matter anymore. In the meantime, I don't buy into any reason to live or contribute. One positive note: my back has been getting steadily better since the end of august.

Looking into driving trucks and deliver packages.

Unemployed and very unhopeful about finding a job I like. (Why the hell does it skip a line when I press return on my phone) Sitting in a coffee shop drinking an expresso on a rainy day, looking out the window, thinking it makes perfect sense why people fall into addictions. I see two pedestrians smoking cigarettes waiting for the green light to cross the street. Getting their dose of pleasure and reward. Would they have gotten this habit if their lives were rewarding? It can take so many shapes. Cigarettes, compulsive smartphone use, video games, overeating, porn addiction etc. Such a variety of roads. Sometimes true authentic rewards seem out of reach, or insufficient. And addiction so tempting, like a big mamma always with her arms open.

Irritable, uninspired.

Alien covenant. 7/10

Angry, humiliated.

I think the anti-depressants are finally kicking in. After like 4 months. I think it took a while because I wasn't taking them consistently, mostly due to interference caused by cannabis. Simply put, I could not ingest both on the same day to avoid unpleasant effects, so I would skip medication multiple times a week. 3 weeks ago I had my last joint. Feeling more solid. Back and neck pain have dropped significantly. This on its own is like a prayer answered. Dealing with chronic pain was a huge source of distress. Energy levels are kind of wobbly. I've been relying on coffee a lot these past days, without always great results. I've been feeling pretty contemplative these past days, listening to a lot of music.

I'm quasi-dead. I'm continuing this charade? Each day an overtime. No one can understand. Absolutely no one. I must be doing something wrong. I can only say I'm sorry to myself, cause I don't know what else to do.