Hertz

Trist - Květy snových dálek

Struggling with suicidal thoughts. Body aching. Musculoskeletal pain. Insomnia. Flu that started yesterday. Trying different med combos without success.

Struggling.

Trist - Květy snových dálek

Trigger warning: talk of suicide Since I've gone back on remeron and wellbutrin, suicidal thoughts have been predictably slamming into me. Trying Cymbalta right now. Although it decreased suidal thoughts, I don't think it cuts it. I feel too sluggish on it. The brain is an interconnected system and a single thing can affect the whole. I've sort of been there before and it was temporary. The longest so far has been a 1.5 years period in 2008-2009 of daily suicidal thoughts, until I started adding pristiq to the cocktail. I tried replicating this trick but it didn't work. Perhaps my body is still adjusting to remeron and wellbutrin. I have to give it time.

If there's a new way, I'll be the first in line.

This time I've seen the black hole. Much more than my first depression. The previous depression was a walk in the park. This one, I can see death and oblivion in the face.

If I went into a time machine, it's likely I would just make different mistakes. Being human means making mistakes. That's how we evolve. People who are happy did not make less mistakes. They were priviledged to receive tools to better cope with mistakes. They had more supportive, more encouraging parents. They felt loved and supported, so their mistakes don't affect their sense of self-worth. I think a better avenue is to own our mistakes and learn from them.

Cynical.

I don't buy it anymore. Feeling disconnected from society, from humanity. One day I will be dead and nothing will matter anymore. In the meantime, I don't buy into any reason to live or contribute. One positive note: my back has been getting steadily better since the end of august.

Looking into driving trucks and deliver packages.