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About annain

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  • Birthday 03/10/1959

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  • Location
    South Carolina
  • Interests
    Scrapbooking; Geneaology; My two sweet dogs; my four children(maybe I said that backward?);event planning
  1. Happy Birthday :)

  2. I have been on Remeron since March and have just recently started getting the generic. Yes you described the generic form perfectly. Hope this helps..
  3. Guy, I have been on 150mg of Effexor since March and wish I had some of that energy right now! Honestly, I don't remember having a lot of energy when I first started; but truthfully, I was in a behaviorial rehab center when I started and was in a very bad place mentally and emotionally. But I do take 60mg of remeron; .10mg of clonodine and 10mg of ambien every night to get me to sleep. Even with all those meds I only sleep about 5 hours; so maybe I do have more energy, just the depression has started up again. I have been so much better since taking the Effexor; I have less trouble pushing the suicidal thoughts away every day and occassionally I am able to visit with some friends without panic attacks. Don't know if that rambling helps any, too many drugs to think straight! But stay with the Effexor...and by all means let the dr wean you off if need be...it is wicked to go cold turkey...I sometimes have to wait in between getting my RX's refilled waiting for disability check to come in and it is not a pretty thing to miss the effexor... Take care and stay strong...
  4. Amy and Trace, Thanks for your words of encouragement. It is amazing how comforting it is to see that. I am continuing to work on my issues; it is so very slow. I have tried to get my husband to go to couples counseling, group sessions, individual, family anything...he refuses. Actually he wants me to stop going to counseling because of our household financial problems. Since I have refused he has started to give me the silent treatment. Little does he realize that his lack of support just makes things harder and harder. I know that I must not continue to be around "toxic" people and from all that is happening I am afraid that my husband may be one of these people for me. I can't wrap my head around the prospect of leaving him and "being on my own". I just want someone to take care of me for a change, at least for a little while. Anyway, thanks again for your support! hugs, Anna
  5. Aching - I am so proud that you can forgive anything after all that you have gone through. It is sad that your Mom wasn't strong enough to take herself and her child out of a harmful situation. I had a mom that was weak that way too. I like to think that she cared, she just wasn't able to pull us through. It does seem that those of us having abusive homelife as children are found by every bully around, doesn't it? I have posted the basic parts of my story in this room before and wonder if I too suffer from "complex ptsd". My Psych doc hasn't said so; but she doesn't say much anyway, so that is no indicator. Please know that I care and if I could go back and throttle those bullies for you I would! The emotional abuse is the hardest for me to work through. I live with those flashbacks almost constantly and it is often hard to make it through an entire conversation without some sort of haunting episode. We can care for each other and get through this ~ I know we can
  6. I would be angry at your Mom - in fact I AM! She does not have a crystal ball however so has no way of knowing your husband's health history nor where you will be in the future. Little steps! I understand the anger, and agree. But at the same time I am very sorry for her Mom. It seems that she has a few anxieties of her own. We need to remember that her comments are really about herself, not her daughter. Maybe she has someone that she lost much too early and has not learned how to deal with that. Lizzy ~ I am so glad for you that you have found that true love and hope that you can eventually see that your Mom has her own troubles and they are not really yours! Be patient with her and yourself and enjoy every day as it comes! Love your child and your husband every day like it is the last and you won't have to deal with regrets later on. Sadness comes to us all, unfortunately, but if you have love, laughter and joy daily, these will win in the end. Your sadness will be overcome with the wonderful memories you are making. I wish the best for you and many happy years ahead!
  7. I have a newly discovered, lifelong history of being depressed. I thought I was "normal" and everybody felt this way. I have always described myself as lazy, because unless there is an imminent need for something, I can't make myself get started on ANYTHING! For instance, I just don't get household chores done unless someone is coming over; laundry doesn't get done unless I am out of clean clothes; groceries aren't bought unless I am completely out of food; bills don't get paid unless creditors are hounding (this one is especially stupid). I know intellectually that these things are irrational, but I can't find a motivation to get up and get things done. I have tried making lists, sometimes this helps, but mostly not. My family calls me lazy, I call me lazy, but friends don't see it. If someone else needs something, I can be the first one there to help. When my children were in school I was the queen of volunteers; always there and always on top of whatever needed to be done. I co-ordinated the other volunteers, got all kinds of recognition for my efforts, but that was embarrassing for me... Meanwhile at home chaos reigned! Now that my kids are grown, I can't find the need to get going anymore. Thus the "newly discovered" part of my depression. After a suicide attempt, related to the bill thing... I have been having awful flashbacks to events from my childhood that had been deeply buried. After several hospitalizations in the past year, I have been diagnosed with Major Depression, PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. My family says wonderful things to me like..."Just get over it" and "Glad you are all better now that you are home from the hospital" It took me almost 50 years to get here and they think I should be "cured" in a few months. The more they harass me, the more I do nothing. Is there any hope for me? Can I ever get out of this funk? (sorry, I always go on too much)
  8. Wow! That's really expensive. I have been having trouble with the costs of my meds too, and I finally asked my DR for some help and she was able to give me samples to see if the new drugs would work so that I didn't have to pay for them unless they were working. Here in the US there are lots of places to get reduced prices if you don't have insurance coverage or if your insurance totally sucks, like yours... I hope you can find some way to get what you need. I will be thinking of you!
  9. Mynah, Thanks for your reply, as thanks to all. I appreciate your encouragement, it helps more than I thought it would. Yes, it is very hard to share my experiences, especially since I have gotten such little support when I did share it. It was even hard to come back and look at what I had written, which surprised me. I am going to try to continue and someday even write the things I left out. hmmm may take awhile for that though. I have been shown some techniques for coping and am working on using them. Apparently there is a little bit of truth to the saying about old dogs and new tricks. It is very slow learning on my part. Intellectually I know and understand these things, emotionally... a whole other story! If my family would just understand that I am trying and be a little more patient, it sure would help. This place does seem to help and I will try to come back often. Thanks again to all, Anna
  10. When I began on Effexor a few months ago, I too had SE that you mentioned. It was gradually increased and after about three to four weeks of increased dosage, things stabilized very nicely. I was unable to sleep but countered that with Remeron and Ambien and I hit a very nice plateau. Unfortunately money has been an obsticale for me, and I have been unable to get my prescription for awhile now. DO NOT try to come off of effexor cold turkey!!! The withdrawals are horrible. I have a wonderful friend that has given me the funds to purchase my meds and it is taking awhile to get back up to my wonderful plateau. I am on 300mg of Effexor and 60mg of Remeron. Apparently rather high doses, but my problems are very deep and I need these to ward off the suicide ideations. I say give the meds a chance, they worked wonders for me... I wish you the best...
  11. This thread is just what I needed! My 16 month old whippet mix, Dixie, talks to me every evening when she is ready to walk, it is hard to describe, it's sort of a mixture between a whine and a growl. She will do this for about 30 seconds to make sure I am paying attention to her then she looks over at her leash and barks. No doubt about what she wants. If I don't respond she starts the whole thing over and continues until I agree it must be time to walk or I tell her it is still to hot. Then she waits about 30 minutes and goes again. It makes me laugh and take her for a walk. My little dachshund mix, Bandit, will come to me and jump into my lap or arms if I am standing. It is so cute, I have to stop and snuggle with him. If I knew how to post their pictures, I would; but trust me they are adorable!
  12. Wow, I know just how you feel. My husband thinks that once you have seen a dr. then you are recovered. Just take your meds, that's all you need. If you find out the answer PLEASE share! If you can get your hubby to go with you, can you let me know how? Mine will drive me there, but won't get out of the car. Good Luck today and I will be thinking about you :-) Anna
  13. Thanks, for the suggestions. My disability was a private insurance. SSDI has turned me down. I am looking into appealing the decision, but my psych. doesn't offer much encouragement. I will look into the $4 dollar deals and see if I can talk my psych into it if someone covers them. The little tasks like that are so hard for me to accomplish. I feel like I am not really worth all the trouble. What a vicious cycle.
  14. It seems that there are not many people that come in here, so this may be a safe place to be. I have been shunned so many times since being diagnosed with "mental illness" that I am afraid to talk to anyone about anything. My therapist tells me I need to tell people "my story" because that is supposed to make it more real to me and help me release the feelings I have about myself and my life. So, a first for me, except under hypnosis and in therapy, this will be the first time I tell my story to strangers. Since this is a place that no one knows me, I feel pretty safe, and maybe noone will read it and it won't hurt too bad if someone does, but doesn't care... *********possible trigger********* My story began many years ago, but I only realized it in August 2007. So it is hard to know where to begin... I am 49 years old, but "old" began for me in childhood. I have never had many memories of a childhood and certainly not many memories of fun times. I am the youngest of 4 children, my siblings were 14, 12 and 10 when I was born. It was always painfully obvious that I was unplanned and joy was not a part of my coming into this world. When I was about 4 years old my only sister (she was the middle child before me) was diagnosed with epilepsy. That was when seizures were still called "fits" and people were afraid of her. She was thought by some fools to have "demons" living in her. It was normal to me, and I loved my sister with all my heart; she was my hero! When I was 6 years old my oldest brother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, a very "new" affliction at the time and still no known cure and only experimental treatments. At the age of 8 I watched my other brother join the military and as this was the height of the Vietnam Era, I just knew he was never coming home. (He did, but not without many mental/emotional scars; he is now one of the numerous homeless vets in America) My father had served in WW2 and Korea. He also had issues that manifested in many different ways, which I will get to eventually. The most apparent manifestation was his alchoholism. He rarely held down a job and fluctuated between being a "mean drunk" and a "happy drunk". This kept everyone on their toes around him. Mom was the disciplinarian, the breadwinner and the rock of the house, or so it seemed. To keep money flowing while I was a pre-schooler, she was a seamstress and on days when customers were coming in for fittings, it was my job to keep my father out of the way and quiet. If my sister was having a bad time with her epilepsy I also needed to watch her for signs of seizures and keep her safe. On my first day of first grade, my Mom started to work outside the home, and it seemed like she was almost never home after that. That day very day, years later, has come back to haunt me almost constantly. I was so excited to be coming home from school all by myself; my oldest brother was married and out of the house; my sister was in nursing school (yep it astounds me too); and my other brother was still in high school and both of my parents were at work. I was ready to sneak in an afternoon of tv watching (I was only allowed to watch 2 hours a week...Bonanza and one other show) I can now remember walking up to the house and having a sinking feeling because I knew my father was at home...drunk...the only question was if he was happy or mean. Didn't take much time to figure it out, he was happy. Now this should have relieved me; instead I tried to run away, but he noticed me before I could sneak out. ... Well when he finished using me for his pleasure, he passed out right there on the floor of my bed room. After I cleaned my self up, I cleaned him and for about forever it seemed, probably about 30 minutes, I struggled to move him into my parents room, so it wouldn't upset my Mom. This went on until I was 14 years old and my parents finally split up. I had repressed all of those memories until I was put on anti-depressants last year. But the story doesn't stop there... as the "normal" of my life was changing things should have been settling for me. But changing school zones during the summer before my 9th grade, threw me into a whole new social set that I was not emotionally stable enough to find my way into. So I remained an outsider and an invisible part of my high school. To this day people I went to school with don't recognize me or have any memory of me. Any way, my Sister and my Mom kept me busy driving them back and forth to work (my sis didn't drive and Mom had to be at work at 6am and my sis at 6:30, that left me to take them both and get myself to school) My brother's wife needed help with their children in the afternoons, so picking them up and caring for them became part of my day as well. When I was 17 my Mom was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, the only treatment was surgery to remove the tumor(s) and it would grow back in a fairly short amount of time. Now we needed to add getting Mom to Drs and making sure she was taking her meds (for depression and high blood pressure) to my list of chores as well as making sure everyone was eating properly.Mind you I am still in high school, caring for Mom, my sis, my brother and his two grade school children. Then things get better...my nieces start at a private school and can stay there until their mother can get them, my sister gets married and I start college and 3 part-time jobs to pay for college. Norma had changed, but not too much. Then WHAM! My epileptic sister (with a toddler now) is diagnosed with Breast Cancer. New rounds of doctors (remember she can't drive) appointments and meds to keep up with; another niece to look after in the afternoons. Mom is on about her 5th or 6th time having cancerous tumors removed; and the two of them arguing over which cancer was the worst!... Somehow I have met my brother's (the military one) best friend and we get married when I am 20 (running away from home?) and we have our first child when I am 21, the second at 23 and the third at 25. My husband had a major heart attack a year later; he survived but now I feel like I can't let him worry about anything... Then the real hard times began... In August of 1986 my mother's only sister died of...wait for it...cancer; In October of 1986 my finally gave up her fight with cancer after it spread to her lungs, liver and bones; in April of 1987 my father died from his third cancer battle - first larnyex; bladder and finally liver. On Valentine's day, 1989 my Mom finally lost her battle with the disease. In May of 1989 my sister's husband died from a massive coronary, with only his 11 year old daughter with him. I felt like I had been in a war myself, shellshocked and battered! Then in 1991 we were blessed with our youngest child's birth! So for the better part of my 49 years I have been the family's caretaker, looking after everybody's needs. I thought I was relatively happy, knew I should have been very happy...no repeat attacks for my husband, my children were fairly healthy and were great kids. They stayed busy in wholesome activities, they included their parents in their lives, our home was the gathering spot for all their friends and they were free from drugs, cigarettes and alchohol. They all seemed happy. But not realizing it, life had caught up with me. For some unknown reason I quit paying the bills, we had the money, but I started spending it on things that weren't necessary. I quit even opening the mail, had the phone number changed and unlisted so creditors could not reach us. All the while my husband was oblivious. Our neighbor's wife had run up something like $60,000 in credit card bills and he told me that if I ever did anything like that he would **** me. I believed him and became scared about what he would do if he caught wind of our financial problems. Then the house went into foreclosure, creditors were sueing us and I lost it. I could find no way out, really just didn't have any energy to try. So 2 bottles of alcohol and bottle of sleeping pills later, I would up with a broken ankle...don't remember the details to well, but think I vomitted the majority of the pills up (thanks to the alcohol) and then tried to walk...didn't work. My husband managed to save the house and work with the creditors to settle on the biggest bills, we will be paying them for years and years... I spent 2 months in a rehab/mental facility where my childhood traumas came back to me in the form of flashbacks and many dissassoiative episodes. I had many other traumatic events that I still can't wrap my head around ... a stillborn child at 18; a rape in college by one of my professors; and a couple of confrontations with my father before he died that were not pretty. After a second stay at the same facility in Feb/March of this year, my husband no longer has patience with me. He knows the story, but says it is all in the past and I should just "Get Over it";"put it behind me". If I could, believe me I would! But every day I lose at least a little time, sometimes several hours that I just don't know what I have done. Apparently once I called and canceled all of my doctors/therapist appointments. I am supposed to be going twice a week to the therapist and every other week to the psych. I have appointments several months in advance and I just cancelled them all. Now it is set up if I cancel with either one of them, the shrink or the therapist, each office calls the other. So I can't just quit. Unfortunately I just don't know how much longer I can keep paying for it. Thank God for insurance, but copays and coinsurance are eating up our grocery money. Right now I don't have all my meds, because we can't afford them... Okay, now I have to decide if I will post this epistle or not...Good Grief, look at the length of this...sorry, I won't take up so much space in the future, if I come back at all...Thanks if anyone bothers to read this, if not ...oh well, nothing new.
  15. Thanks for being here, and understanding. I wish I could get out and about...I also suffer from disassoiative episodes so I no longer have access to our cars. I often wind up in places that I am not familiar with and don't know how to get home. My husband said I spent too much on gas, so I can't go anywhere I can't walk. We live in the south and it is sooo hot I don't go out much.
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