I think it is time to be honest to myself as I've always paint a pretty picture in my mind. Although I do accept criticisms, sometimes I don't and I'm not sure if that's a bad thing but I'm sure I'm not the only one. I always thought I was smart. Not just book smart, but naturally smart since studies came easy to me. However, I was wrong. Being smart gets you somewhere, but it does not take you very far. Having common sense however can take you slightly further. I happen to stick by the rules, and be the goody-two shoes because I hate change. I can never take risks. Risks can be good and bad but you'll never know unless you tried which is why I wished I try. I wish I could stop worrying about what others say about me and make a change for myself. There was once that I did something beyond what I thought I could. To take up debate. I was nervous as heck and i'm an introvert who barely speaks in class and when debate started (not to be egoistic) i felt like a natural presenter. I felt like i had the ability to present and engage the audience and I did not have to try as hard as others. However, I never had the confidence and I never dared to make any mistakes and that is one of my biggest flaw till today. I would like to convince myself that making mistakes is perfectly normal and the only way to be a better person but I can never push myself to make any mistakes. i'm so caught up in my own self that i worry so much about what others think when they probably don't even know I exist?
Coming up on 1 full month of citalopram 10 mg. Starting to feel alittle better. Not sure if its the medication or I'm just sick of feeling sorry for myself and know I need to do something. Citalopram has a bit of a stimulating effect on me now I believe and making it hard to sleep. But I am feeling better so i'll stick with it. Sometimes I feel my heart beating alittle stronger than usual. Don't think i'll move up to 20mg but i'll see what my doctor says. I listened to music for the first time in a long time and enjoyed it. Oddly enough I'm drawing inspiration from Game of Thrones. I normally hate sci-fi/fantasy or whatever genre this is but the characters are so well developed I got hooked. A lot of the characters are forced to look deep into themselves to rise to the occasion and this is sort of the metaphor I'm taking torwards my depression. In the latest episode the woman leading that big navy says to her brother who was castrated who is depressed "I need the real you by my side," and forces him to drink a alcohol. You can see the look in his eye change alittle. That got me going!