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Everything posted by Gisele

  1. Forums need a purpose (like not fracking within 7 light years of my favourite beach) or at least a common good (like the stated aim of this forum) but still are only as good as the contributions people make to them. Nothing wrong with an alternative view ( as long as it that is all it is) but, as a species, we’re losing our nuance. The village is now a human pyramid. Hopefully the zuckerverse sucks it all up and spits both it and itself into space, leaving the adults behind. Even this forum has changed. There is some recent hateful racist crap that manages to still be here but wouldn’t have lasted a minute when there were moderators.
  2. Bi itself and without either history or tone to lend it context, it seems unlikely. If nothing else, it is more ironic than sarcastic and irony isn’t everyone’s sweet spot. I have wondered out loud before what it would be like to walk through an automatic carwash. I don’t think anyone would need be worried for me, least of all my husband, who might be curious to see how that went Good that you can safely discuss these things with him.
  3. Gisele


    After some thought, I think all this circle work just brings me back to where I started and that isn’t entirely unrewarding. It reminds me my inner self is just not that osmotic. Still, the stranger in me wonders why I get that all the time - here, there and everywhere - talk to your husband, lean on your doctor but be otherwise entertaining. **** that. All I should have said is risk is a different thing when it comes with the potential to make orphans of my children. Ain’t no more complicated than that.
  4. Gisele


    M, Cant quite tell if I have said enough about it or still a million words shy. I have an inkling the outcome lives somewhere in between so will see what my hands do with that. I will never accept the proposition though that I must tolerate being anywhere unless of course those anywhere’s are somewheres that become so for the children. At its simplest, I was raised in a house that presented to the wider world as a home, lost it and my mother (only was of those was a net loss, fully franked six years after) in the same moment and was a prostitute for 12 years. Between those two things and and all else besides, I do not go anywhere I do not want to or at least need to for the good of those things that made me want to at their beginning. The only grey area is the price I ask of myself. Have scoured the world and my tiny mind and even places like these for alternatives. Haven’t found any. Yet i think that what you might think is indeed what I think. I think.
  5. Gisele


    It isn’t that I haven’t asked myself and many times but ‘I deserve to be punished’ mischaracterizes it. I’m not really inclined either to wonder if I deserve anything. Perhaps I don’t. Perhaps I wouldn’t really believe if I didn’t. I am over-inclined to wonder though about what I give, how I give, how well I give and do know just how much more this occupies me than worrying what I get. I think I have pretty good instincts with the getting part of it and don’t tend to ever feel that what I get is meaningfully different from what I imagine I will get. The easy aspect of this is to give the best of me, I have to suffer. Beyond that, explanation really does turn to shit. Do I have to suffer? Or do I like to suffer? One vexes the other when maybe both are true. Is it suffering, really, if it is three parts nourishing? If it were, is that the finest of lines we will never quite find? The comfort for me, perhaps the only one, is in striving. And I can’t do that if I’m not angry. Perhaps a better way to put that is I can’t do that if I don’t have an equal relationship with it; feed the horse and remain the rider. I have lost anger before and, holy hell, no-one wants to be anywhere near me if that ever happens again. Now more than ever, I couldn’t let them. (Maybe all that dark matter the space nerds crap on about is just the wrath of the gods holding the universe together. Without that, maybe it would all just be a giant meringue in a solar wind. Makes more sense than anything the bible has to offer ) Before I die, it would almost be fun (not the best word for it and also not the worst) to know where it all came from. I wasn’t beaten or worn down with the threat of it, not once, for 16 years anyway, until ‘that thing’ happened so how do I reason with chalk-and-chalk and cheese-and-cheese when chalk-and-cheese would be hard enough. Beyond that, part of it is vanity, part of it is because it works, part of it is because ignoring it really doesn’t work, other parts are … something. I don’t truly feel like I know. * Retreating to the thing I left out and acknowledging your very helpful reminder that the beginning is not the end, the end happened at a beginning and the beginning just put me on a path to remembering the end. Should that make zero sense … quite likely … I bought her flowers and sat outside at a café and wrote a very long note and tried to tell myself over and over on the trip home that this was best. She was in worse shape that what I may have inferred but even inferring that much somehow feels uneasy. Anyway, got home and thought I would take the kids to be beach and clear my head at the same time. So I did. I had a swim and was sitting on the sand watching them playing around and having fun. They were silhouetted against the setting sun and with the beach entirely to ourselves it really stood out. It occurred to me that when I go to the beach myself I don’t have fun. I swim to exhaust myself. I might say I had fun if I get home and anyone asks. Maybe that isn’t entirely untrue. If I didn’t, fun or no fun would be almost redundant. It also occurred to me that it was about that exact spot a few years ago I went for a swim, memorable because it was after a less than spectacular therapy session. Almost anything that could go non-fatally wrong did go wrong. Going straight from her to there, I had no bathers and since I left the keys in the ignition, had to hope the wind didn’t pick up all my clothes and blow them away. Alas, the wind was in a mood. Down to my underwear, some guy came running form nowhere and waving his arms around saying there was a shark. Being not in any great emotional place, I just took him to be a pervert and ran in. I had half a sense that he wasn’t making it up but sane choices sometimes have to make way for the middle finger. In all honesty, I know I just thought **** it, I’ll take those odds. So I swam out and was out there for quite a while and nothing happened. I think I just stopped thinking about it because I had so much more on my mind. I was coming back in – it might have been a good half-an-hour, and the same guy was still on the beach and there was a woman standing near him. I was still the other side of the sandbar but close enough to see that this woman was a reporter. She had a spray jacket with the regional news logo on it and something in her hand that looked like it could be a microphone. Since there was no ****ing way I was going to find myself on TV in these circumstances, I did the only thing that occurred to me to guarantee that and took off my underwear. There was no way they would show that without blurring everything out and, if they didn’t blur out my head, I thought being completely naked has got to at least threaten a better lawsuit. So out I came, like a mermaid that had just thrown away the wheelchair, and discovered that she was indeed a reporter, had no microphone but a notebook and worked for radio and not TV. Apparently a surfer had been attacked somewhere nearby so she wasn’t too fixated on someone coming out of the surf with nothing on. All I could say was that it might have been the same shark that nicked my undies but they weren’t laughing. Neither was I when I couldn’t see my clothes. Before anyone else turned up I left to go find my car and get out of there. For whatever reason, I always made sure I was impeccably dressed for therapy so was now down a few items of very nice apparel. Still, happy to slip away anonymously. I got to the carpark and couldn’t avoid a few groups of people doing whatever. Yep, let’s go to the beach and hang around in the carpark? Weird. The nearest group looked like a haughty, middle-aged, partner swap masquerading as a caravanning trip and one sneered to another that they didn’t know it was a nudist beach. I don’t know if it was that or their matchy puffer jackets that irritated me more but I wasn’t fussy so, I assured them that, no, it isn’t a nudist beach but that the rapist down there is collecting trophies. Naturally, I thought this was funnier than they did. It is odd that people find it easier to squirm than usefully wonder if something actually is wrong. Or offer someone a towel at least. So I got in my car, did some impressive drifty-sidewaysy action that would have looked great in a movie but I have no idea how I did it and have not dared to try since, and went home. My husband asked, unusually for him, something like “You all good?” Yes. Why. Etc. Very good then. Oh, police want to know that you’re ok. Thinking back makes me angry at myself. Not for that reason but because this happened after the kids were born. I like it when my world is neatly pre-children and after-children and really struggle with it when I cross over.
  6. Gisele


    If by interesting you mean less than edifying then perhaps it could be. Either way, this laser focused feminine side that wants details suits you. Quote me an hourly rate and I’ll get you to coach this into some men I know. I think the tone of my entry was a bit angry, which doesn’t surprise me, and probably why I skipped bits. Stay tuned … I will get to that
  7. Gisele

    Halloween: Lost Girl

    Lost my youngest daughter once in a very crowded shopping precinct. For 8 minutes. Still now this is the most excruciating 8 minutes of my entire life and however many lives after this one, if the gods aren’t quite done with me. Learned much later that if the sun stopped shining, we would know exactly 8 minutes later. So I already know what that feels like. We don’t have Halloween (mostly - some people seem to want to replicate it) which is good because it always struck me as some weird paedo-parade even creepier than Olympic gymnastics so can only imagine what that might have done to you. Very happy for you your heart did not actually explode
  8. Gisele

    Black and Blue

    Darling M, I should have replied to this sooner but yesterday was Derby Day so both that and the day before were dedicated to shameless preening. All of our many selves get a turn, right? Still mulling over why i couldn't quite finish what i started to say and that is not unrelated to what you had to say, so that may have to wait. Until the next instalment. There is some important housekeeping, which cannot wait. In order of outrage, * You wrote a blog and I missed it!? How long have I waited for that!? To hear it may have troubled the censors make this even worse. * "write and write and write where no-one sees," was a specific reference to my diary where literally no-one sees it. You are not no-one. You are my oldest and dearest online friend, which in my mind is a bit remarkable because I'm not friends with anyone who's eyes I have to not looked very deeply into. It may be a narrow field because this is the closest I will ever get to social media, if you exclude the almost obscene appetite I have for people who have died taking selfies. So there we are .... you indeed are the exception that proves the rule and i genuinely, genuinely have you to heart. This self of mine that wanders in me and says some shit would no longer do it if you were not here. Not making that up, just so you know.. ^ Sarcasm doesn't trouble me. No-one (****, there I go again) will ever know how much I crave dissent
  9. * Pandas and Dolphins. Cute but limelight-hogging Instagram wannabes. They’ve had it too good for too long. Yay for the bilby and the echidna and the snow leopard and … try spread the love * Wedding Traditions. Queen Victoria died so let’s all move on. Except the white dress - I will always like that * Avocados. Baby-shit green hamburger fat in a vinyl cover. * American Military. For the love of god, just leave other people alone for once. And 0 for how many now!? Agree entirely with above about the Beatles. Still emotionally damaged from the Wiggles but even they were better.
  10. Gisele

    Platypus and Echidna

    M, Ambivalence, to me, is more than just an interesting word. II think it is a keel on a tearaway skiff, otherwise too light for the winds of change. God knows I had to do the opposite of impetuous and I can see that long periods of ambivalence sign-post every change i ever made since I started to change at all. Change is hard and, in an emotional sense, it is violent and occasionally harmful. Ambivalence takes the sting out of it I think. I'm not sure, maybe I'm better at seeing the whole of something with two-thirds of something. If that makes no sense, I can only assure you that irt makes sense to me. lest you think me reductive, I can also assure you none of that makes my Lada a metaphor. It would be lovely to say that I got two-thirds of a car to help ,me better appreciate it but I think the turth is it just simply would not have occurred to him that anyone would give up proper piloting for something as silly as comfort. Men, right! Getting used to it again though and I do love it. It's funny, my normal car is really quite nice but no-one i don't think has ever approached me in a carpark to openly admire it. I think a couple of people might have been inclined to scratch it but that's a mile away from the genuine enthusiasm for my communist car. I was at the post office the other day and a tradie, standing under an awning waiting for the rain to stop (and, if his handbag was a reliable clue, waiting for his girlfriend) stopped me to say he had been admiring it. So I stopped to say i admired the way he was looking after her handbag. Most men I ever dated would rather have been standing there holding a hand grenade Why do you all (y'all, pardon me) drive on the wrong side of road? The human brain is engineered to veer left to avoid a collision. But don't let that worry you XO
  11. I like this, partly because it reminds me of an older time. I like it more because it, like all transformative wisdom, it leans into the middle. Disease wants of at the edges and this resists that. Thanks for posting it.
  12. Gisele

    One Vigil and Another

    M, As it happens, I have several autobiographies to chose from if any were to ever see the light of day. I never had any such intention but rather these are the fruit -variously edible and not - of a lifelong compulsion to keep a diary that leaves nothing out and the worst of myself least of all. On and off, I have tried to edit a version of it for my children. I imagine often that one day, when they get to a suitable age, like 50, or any time after I'm dead, or not quite, or something, then they could have it to read or not read, as they please, and know something about their mother, This worked as well as it could until Lucy was maybe three where it has felt very difficult to feel connected to it. I can never quite decide how I feel about it anymore. It may also be redundant. Last weekend, I thought i would make the most of some very nice silk I had stashed away and make the children kimonos and explain some of the subtleties that took me longer than it should have when I was in Japan. This was all fine and richly enjoyable until one of my curious darlings asked what I did in Japan. Yeah um. By the way, if your conscientious parent wants to keep a social distance and have that honoured by the civic and like-minded, don't take any ridiculously cute children in traditional Japanese costume over to the park for some photos. By the by the way, I'm not sure if wigmakers are attune to the fine, fine art of hiding in plain sight but if you're natural hair colour is dark, then a salt and pepper wig is worth serious thought. XO
  13. Gisele

    and now I remember why

    M, I remember options once upon a time but if they are no more, you could make do with the ghetto version. This would be to start with making your blog private then adding members you care to name. If that is every member ... well, that would be a marathon and not a sprint Something to while away the hours. Why do you get a room where others might be getting the house is what I can't help but wonder.
  14. Gisele

    Week One

    M, Alright, 61.03 US cents, then. It was more a week ago apparently but the world has "retreated to the safety of US dollars." They remain coy about what is safe, which seems a fair question given that Wall Sr. is in New York which is royally ****ed, apparently. We have refined the swear jar somewhat F-bombs are as above Ordinary c-bombs (yet to levied I'm proud to say) are $10 Modern c-bombs (with the c meaning corona or any derivatives) are $20 and a period away from the rest of the family, to perhaps cheer up a little bit and not ruin to carefully curated atmosphere of total denial we have made for ourselves And just so it isn't lop-sided anymore, "I'm bored, Mum" is a flat $5 fine. The only one not making any money out of this is my husband. That's awful bad luck
  15. Gisele

    Week One

    Very cute And very clever. Because my extortionate ****ing children won't read that much less hear it, you won't have to cough up a dollar. * * Read your PMs. That wasn't a suggestion
  16. Thanks @Natasha1 ! I quite like being on a watchlist for the right reasons. I also like going years without mostly being kicked out of anywhere when once upon an time I got kicked out of everywhere. Trying my best to explain to my confused children what could of possibly happened in the space of a month that started when the fires were raging and the most extraordinary kindnesses and largesse while here we now are doing the opposite. It's all right for me,. I know what a ___ looks like. They don't. A little over a month ago, three American pilots, who might instead have been at home sipping a cognac in front of a nice, warm fire paid the dearest price for their kindness. You'd hope some people might reflect on that and act like human beings instead of cattle stampeding off the edge of cliff
  17. I shouldn't tip into this but I will, largely because I agree. That said, it is worth remembering that I'm not really entitled to a view being not an American,. However, since that ____, ____, ____ occupies so much of our media and sets a tone we would all cheerfully ignore if we could and let that be your problem, we have no such luck. I do like Melania though.She knows how to dress and, much more interestingly again, she and the #MeToo are together a nice chiaroscuro. Everything about her says #NotMe but her eyes say something rather different. Car-crash compelling. Hope you get what you want. I'm not sure of the wisdom of barracking for Russia any longer
  18. If we could trip through time, I could quite happily stumble and fall into late 18th century Paris. What would not be to like? Parasols and plumage and the golden age of millinery and the beginning of the end of the monarchy and tough men ruling the mean streets on penny farthings and the new romanticism that gave us J.M Turner and Keats and air as clean as open sewers might allow and the birth of a better social contract and more tolerance than what came later for open secrets and handwritten letters and the febrile excitement of revolution and ...probably a grim early death from tuberculosis. Oh well, can't have everything. Would also want wifi and all-day lipstick.
  19. Gisele

    Engineered Empathy

    Darling M, I'm happy to report a mostly incident-free night and even more pleased to report I was a model citizen. I think it was just important that I finish that chapter well and not just because there will be an ongoing association between the partners and myself for a while yet. It is always good to avoid the second-degree self-harm of bridge burning. Despite it being a decent trip out to the farm, a good many of my newly former colleagues came. Most of those arrived together and i was a little worried they would stay huddled together but that didn't last long. They seem to have enjoyed themselves. The last arriving was my least favourite and also the woman that I may have described in an earlier blog. I wasn't entirely convinced I was going to behave myself with this one but that was my intention. As it happens, I didn't have to do anything. She arrived alone, except for the traveller in her hand, was clearly already three parts pissed and went to straight to work .... well, making a **** of herself. I shouldn't say this, I shouldn't even think it but it was richly satisfying. It was as if Venus, winking at me from somewhere up there in the heat haze, said 'honey, this one's on me.' It really got quite embarrassing but since I'm still not over some of the inferences she has been happy to draw, I stayed rather focused on being the model host. She even imposed herself on my husband, despite them only ever meeting one time. Someone else had said something about another someone recently separating from their partner but remain living in the same house and she got it in her drunken head that the someones involved were Alex and myself. Out of more or less nowhere, she landed on him with a bony finger and said all sorts of things about who may be to blame for this and what he or I should be doing and not doing and I'm not making this up. He doesn't get fazed by that sort of stuff but did what he likes to do and play up to it just for the broader entertainment of it all. No one seems to not like it. I did have a very interesting conversation with the wife of one of the partners around 3 or 4 in the morning. I thought she had long since left because every else had but she apparently had been taking to my husband and his friends somewhere down the back. Two of my girlfriends and I were floating half-naked in the pool when she wandered over from nowhere and I thought 'great, this is going to look like the last vestige of a weird sex cult' to a very well-to-do woman who is immaculate in every sense. I misjudged that that. She decided to join us and have a good girl chat. The next morning had an amusing moment. I was just waking up after only about an hour of sleep when Lucy said "Mum, why is dad asleep with a light bulb?" Sure enough, there he was on the living room couch, still clothed, with a light bulb in his hand. It seems like he was a bit untidier than I even thought, stumbled in only as far as the living room and perhaps didn't fancy sleeping with the light on but wasn't quite able to remember these things are attached to a switch. So he had stood on the coffee table, unscrewed it instead and passed out face down on the sofa. Oh well, he is a problem solver
  20. Gisele

    Futility and void

    S, Fewer things have mattered more to my recovery than the double helix of well-being and purpose. Whether it is reasoning with it in a historical sense or being intimate with it in an evolutionary sense, those knots and entanglements are the fundament of what we are, what we might be and the shape of how we might get there. How well we understand others is how well we understand the same place in others. I think that is why I tend to gravitate toward blogs more than the forums. Blogs tend to illuminate this so much better. Can I ask, have yo ever envied those with a clear purpose if that meant a shift in your moral compass? Before an older life and this one, I wondered all the time. Would it be better to help and also risk harm, or to just give up. Sometimes it does scare me what I might have chosen to do instead. I have been struck before by your carving for a purpose. I truly hope that counts for something because I am sure you could do a good many good things
  21. When greeting cards and fridge magnets salt fertile minds, pop psychology is what we get. Self-worth and self-love are not the same thing. Self-worth is the thing that won't let you take no for an answer and try again, tomorrow, to be a genius. All love is respiratory. Breath love into what you do and love will come back. Sometimes we have to re-learn this.
  22. Gisele


    M, I don't know if it is especially strong but it ticks many boxes. It is better for the kids, better for me and better for those that, with any luck, I can manage to help. What it really is about is the young woman who had their childhood stolen from them, and who may have made a mistake or two since. How many chances should they have? I think, as many as it takes There might be a paradox in there; I like to burn the candle at all three ends. I like your thesis on office gift giving, none of which seems remotely inaccurate.
  23. Gisele

    Epic Fail

    Being enormously fond of exercise and being varying degrees of mental, I have some thoughts on exercise which may or may not be useful. Work out what motivates you, make a plan, consider carefully the free time you have, rule lines in an exercise book and call it something quaint like "My Cute Little Exercise Journey", google shit ... diets, routines, perspectives and really, really immerse yourself so deeply and so thoroughly and ... you'll probably sit there and hate yourself instead. That's when you might pile all that up and make yourself a nice fire. Do it for your body and your brain will catch up. That's how it is for everybody but that doesn't sell books. So you're guy wouldn't do the cesspit? I like that you're obviously not in journalism or marketing
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