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Gisele

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Gisele last won the day on January 28 2018

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About Gisele

  • Birthday September 14

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    Female
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    Melbourne, AUS

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  1. Forums need a purpose (like not fracking within 7 light years of my favourite beach) or at least a common good (like the stated aim of this forum) but still are only as good as the contributions people make to them. Nothing wrong with an alternative view ( as long as it that is all it is) but, as a species, we’re losing our nuance. The village is now a human pyramid. Hopefully the zuckerverse sucks it all up and spits both it and itself into space, leaving the adults behind. Even this forum has changed. There is some recent hateful racist crap that manages to still be here but wouldn’t have lasted a minute when there were moderators.
  2. Bi itself and without either history or tone to lend it context, it seems unlikely. If nothing else, it is more ironic than sarcastic and irony isn’t everyone’s sweet spot. I have wondered out loud before what it would be like to walk through an automatic carwash. I don’t think anyone would need be worried for me, least of all my husband, who might be curious to see how that went Good that you can safely discuss these things with him.
  3. Gisele

    Bait

    After some thought, I think all this circle work just brings me back to where I started and that isn’t entirely unrewarding. It reminds me my inner self is just not that osmotic. Still, the stranger in me wonders why I get that all the time - here, there and everywhere - talk to your husband, lean on your doctor but be otherwise entertaining. **** that. All I should have said is risk is a different thing when it comes with the potential to make orphans of my children. Ain’t no more complicated than that.
  4. Gisele

    Bait

    M, Cant quite tell if I have said enough about it or still a million words shy. I have an inkling the outcome lives somewhere in between so will see what my hands do with that. I will never accept the proposition though that I must tolerate being anywhere unless of course those anywhere’s are somewheres that become so for the children. At its simplest, I was raised in a house that presented to the wider world as a home, lost it and my mother (only was of those was a net loss, fully franked six years after) in the same moment and was a prostitute for 12 years. Between those two things and and all else besides, I do not go anywhere I do not want to or at least need to for the good of those things that made me want to at their beginning. The only grey area is the price I ask of myself. Have scoured the world and my tiny mind and even places like these for alternatives. Haven’t found any. Yet i think that what you might think is indeed what I think. I think.
  5. Gisele

    Bait

    It isn’t that I haven’t asked myself and many times but ‘I deserve to be punished’ mischaracterizes it. I’m not really inclined either to wonder if I deserve anything. Perhaps I don’t. Perhaps I wouldn’t really believe if I didn’t. I am over-inclined to wonder though about what I give, how I give, how well I give and do know just how much more this occupies me than worrying what I get. I think I have pretty good instincts with the getting part of it and don’t tend to ever feel that what I get is meaningfully different from what I imagine I will get. The easy aspect of this is to give the best of me, I have to suffer. Beyond that, explanation really does turn to shit. Do I have to suffer? Or do I like to suffer? One vexes the other when maybe both are true. Is it suffering, really, if it is three parts nourishing? If it were, is that the finest of lines we will never quite find? The comfort for me, perhaps the only one, is in striving. And I can’t do that if I’m not angry. Perhaps a better way to put that is I can’t do that if I don’t have an equal relationship with it; feed the horse and remain the rider. I have lost anger before and, holy hell, no-one wants to be anywhere near me if that ever happens again. Now more than ever, I couldn’t let them. (Maybe all that dark matter the space nerds crap on about is just the wrath of the gods holding the universe together. Without that, maybe it would all just be a giant meringue in a solar wind. Makes more sense than anything the bible has to offer ) Before I die, it would almost be fun (not the best word for it and also not the worst) to know where it all came from. I wasn’t beaten or worn down with the threat of it, not once, for 16 years anyway, until ‘that thing’ happened so how do I reason with chalk-and-chalk and cheese-and-cheese when chalk-and-cheese would be hard enough. Beyond that, part of it is vanity, part of it is because it works, part of it is because ignoring it really doesn’t work, other parts are … something. I don’t truly feel like I know. * Retreating to the thing I left out and acknowledging your very helpful reminder that the beginning is not the end, the end happened at a beginning and the beginning just put me on a path to remembering the end. Should that make zero sense … quite likely … I bought her flowers and sat outside at a café and wrote a very long note and tried to tell myself over and over on the trip home that this was best. She was in worse shape that what I may have inferred but even inferring that much somehow feels uneasy. Anyway, got home and thought I would take the kids to be beach and clear my head at the same time. So I did. I had a swim and was sitting on the sand watching them playing around and having fun. They were silhouetted against the setting sun and with the beach entirely to ourselves it really stood out. It occurred to me that when I go to the beach myself I don’t have fun. I swim to exhaust myself. I might say I had fun if I get home and anyone asks. Maybe that isn’t entirely untrue. If I didn’t, fun or no fun would be almost redundant. It also occurred to me that it was about that exact spot a few years ago I went for a swim, memorable because it was after a less than spectacular therapy session. Almost anything that could go non-fatally wrong did go wrong. Going straight from her to there, I had no bathers and since I left the keys in the ignition, had to hope the wind didn’t pick up all my clothes and blow them away. Alas, the wind was in a mood. Down to my underwear, some guy came running form nowhere and waving his arms around saying there was a shark. Being not in any great emotional place, I just took him to be a pervert and ran in. I had half a sense that he wasn’t making it up but sane choices sometimes have to make way for the middle finger. In all honesty, I know I just thought **** it, I’ll take those odds. So I swam out and was out there for quite a while and nothing happened. I think I just stopped thinking about it because I had so much more on my mind. I was coming back in – it might have been a good half-an-hour, and the same guy was still on the beach and there was a woman standing near him. I was still the other side of the sandbar but close enough to see that this woman was a reporter. She had a spray jacket with the regional news logo on it and something in her hand that looked like it could be a microphone. Since there was no ****ing way I was going to find myself on TV in these circumstances, I did the only thing that occurred to me to guarantee that and took off my underwear. There was no way they would show that without blurring everything out and, if they didn’t blur out my head, I thought being completely naked has got to at least threaten a better lawsuit. So out I came, like a mermaid that had just thrown away the wheelchair, and discovered that she was indeed a reporter, had no microphone but a notebook and worked for radio and not TV. Apparently a surfer had been attacked somewhere nearby so she wasn’t too fixated on someone coming out of the surf with nothing on. All I could say was that it might have been the same shark that nicked my undies but they weren’t laughing. Neither was I when I couldn’t see my clothes. Before anyone else turned up I left to go find my car and get out of there. For whatever reason, I always made sure I was impeccably dressed for therapy so was now down a few items of very nice apparel. Still, happy to slip away anonymously. I got to the carpark and couldn’t avoid a few groups of people doing whatever. Yep, let’s go to the beach and hang around in the carpark? Weird. The nearest group looked like a haughty, middle-aged, partner swap masquerading as a caravanning trip and one sneered to another that they didn’t know it was a nudist beach. I don’t know if it was that or their matchy puffer jackets that irritated me more but I wasn’t fussy so, I assured them that, no, it isn’t a nudist beach but that the rapist down there is collecting trophies. Naturally, I thought this was funnier than they did. It is odd that people find it easier to squirm than usefully wonder if something actually is wrong. Or offer someone a towel at least. So I got in my car, did some impressive drifty-sidewaysy action that would have looked great in a movie but I have no idea how I did it and have not dared to try since, and went home. My husband asked, unusually for him, something like “You all good?” Yes. Why. Etc. Very good then. Oh, police want to know that you’re ok. Thinking back makes me angry at myself. Not for that reason but because this happened after the kids were born. I like it when my world is neatly pre-children and after-children and really struggle with it when I cross over.
  6. Gisele

    Bait

    If by interesting you mean less than edifying then perhaps it could be. Either way, this laser focused feminine side that wants details suits you. Quote me an hourly rate and I’ll get you to coach this into some men I know. I think the tone of my entry was a bit angry, which doesn’t surprise me, and probably why I skipped bits. Stay tuned … I will get to that
  7. Gisele

    Halloween: Lost Girl

    Lost my youngest daughter once in a very crowded shopping precinct. For 8 minutes. Still now this is the most excruciating 8 minutes of my entire life and however many lives after this one, if the gods aren’t quite done with me. Learned much later that if the sun stopped shining, we would know exactly 8 minutes later. So I already know what that feels like. We don’t have Halloween (mostly - some people seem to want to replicate it) which is good because it always struck me as some weird paedo-parade even creepier than Olympic gymnastics so can only imagine what that might have done to you. Very happy for you your heart did not actually explode
  8. Gisele

    Black and Blue

    Darling M, I should have replied to this sooner but yesterday was Derby Day so both that and the day before were dedicated to shameless preening. All of our many selves get a turn, right? Still mulling over why i couldn't quite finish what i started to say and that is not unrelated to what you had to say, so that may have to wait. Until the next instalment. There is some important housekeeping, which cannot wait. In order of outrage, * You wrote a blog and I missed it!? How long have I waited for that!? To hear it may have troubled the censors make this even worse. * "write and write and write where no-one sees," was a specific reference to my diary where literally no-one sees it. You are not no-one. You are my oldest and dearest online friend, which in my mind is a bit remarkable because I'm not friends with anyone who's eyes I have to not looked very deeply into. It may be a narrow field because this is the closest I will ever get to social media, if you exclude the almost obscene appetite I have for people who have died taking selfies. So there we are .... you indeed are the exception that proves the rule and i genuinely, genuinely have you to heart. This self of mine that wanders in me and says some shit would no longer do it if you were not here. Not making that up, just so you know.. ^ Sarcasm doesn't trouble me. No-one (****, there I go again) will ever know how much I crave dissent
  9. * Pandas and Dolphins. Cute but limelight-hogging Instagram wannabes. They’ve had it too good for too long. Yay for the bilby and the echidna and the snow leopard and … try spread the love * Wedding Traditions. Queen Victoria died so let’s all move on. Except the white dress - I will always like that * Avocados. Baby-shit green hamburger fat in a vinyl cover. * American Military. For the love of god, just leave other people alone for once. And 0 for how many now!? Agree entirely with above about the Beatles. Still emotionally damaged from the Wiggles but even they were better.
  10. Gisele

    Platypus and Echidna

    M, Ambivalence, to me, is more than just an interesting word. II think it is a keel on a tearaway skiff, otherwise too light for the winds of change. God knows I had to do the opposite of impetuous and I can see that long periods of ambivalence sign-post every change i ever made since I started to change at all. Change is hard and, in an emotional sense, it is violent and occasionally harmful. Ambivalence takes the sting out of it I think. I'm not sure, maybe I'm better at seeing the whole of something with two-thirds of something. If that makes no sense, I can only assure you that irt makes sense to me. lest you think me reductive, I can also assure you none of that makes my Lada a metaphor. It would be lovely to say that I got two-thirds of a car to help ,me better appreciate it but I think the turth is it just simply would not have occurred to him that anyone would give up proper piloting for something as silly as comfort. Men, right! Getting used to it again though and I do love it. It's funny, my normal car is really quite nice but no-one i don't think has ever approached me in a carpark to openly admire it. I think a couple of people might have been inclined to scratch it but that's a mile away from the genuine enthusiasm for my communist car. I was at the post office the other day and a tradie, standing under an awning waiting for the rain to stop (and, if his handbag was a reliable clue, waiting for his girlfriend) stopped me to say he had been admiring it. So I stopped to say i admired the way he was looking after her handbag. Most men I ever dated would rather have been standing there holding a hand grenade Why do you all (y'all, pardon me) drive on the wrong side of road? The human brain is engineered to veer left to avoid a collision. But don't let that worry you XO
  11. I like this, partly because it reminds me of an older time. I like it more because it, like all transformative wisdom, it leans into the middle. Disease wants of at the edges and this resists that. Thanks for posting it.
  12. Gisele

    One Vigil and Another

    M, As it happens, I have several autobiographies to chose from if any were to ever see the light of day. I never had any such intention but rather these are the fruit -variously edible and not - of a lifelong compulsion to keep a diary that leaves nothing out and the worst of myself least of all. On and off, I have tried to edit a version of it for my children. I imagine often that one day, when they get to a suitable age, like 50, or any time after I'm dead, or not quite, or something, then they could have it to read or not read, as they please, and know something about their mother, This worked as well as it could until Lucy was maybe three where it has felt very difficult to feel connected to it. I can never quite decide how I feel about it anymore. It may also be redundant. Last weekend, I thought i would make the most of some very nice silk I had stashed away and make the children kimonos and explain some of the subtleties that took me longer than it should have when I was in Japan. This was all fine and richly enjoyable until one of my curious darlings asked what I did in Japan. Yeah um. By the way, if your conscientious parent wants to keep a social distance and have that honoured by the civic and like-minded, don't take any ridiculously cute children in traditional Japanese costume over to the park for some photos. By the by the way, I'm not sure if wigmakers are attune to the fine, fine art of hiding in plain sight but if you're natural hair colour is dark, then a salt and pepper wig is worth serious thought. XO
  13. Gisele

    and now I remember why

    M, I remember options once upon a time but if they are no more, you could make do with the ghetto version. This would be to start with making your blog private then adding members you care to name. If that is every member ... well, that would be a marathon and not a sprint Something to while away the hours. Why do you get a room where others might be getting the house is what I can't help but wonder.
  14. Gisele

    Week One

    M, Alright, 61.03 US cents, then. It was more a week ago apparently but the world has "retreated to the safety of US dollars." They remain coy about what is safe, which seems a fair question given that Wall Sr. is in New York which is royally ****ed, apparently. We have refined the swear jar somewhat F-bombs are as above Ordinary c-bombs (yet to levied I'm proud to say) are $10 Modern c-bombs (with the c meaning corona or any derivatives) are $20 and a period away from the rest of the family, to perhaps cheer up a little bit and not ruin to carefully curated atmosphere of total denial we have made for ourselves And just so it isn't lop-sided anymore, "I'm bored, Mum" is a flat $5 fine. The only one not making any money out of this is my husband. That's awful bad luck
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