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maxedgrace

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About maxedgrace

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  1. OK, so a loooong time ago I was married to a man who was controlling and emotionally abusive. I was in counseling through the last half of that marriage and was in counseling afterwards. He's gone, no contact.over...done. I, of course, have a knack for picking the same type of men. I've been with my current husband for 12 years. (And sadly, I have posted here about our relationship many times over the years and not much has changed) For most of that time I have attributed his behavior to his drinking problem, which we worked to fix, and it's maybe fixed? And then attributed it to his PTSD, etc etc. The way he treated me and my girls was almost always a problem for me but I couldn't wrap my head around how to get it to stop. There was a lot of fighting. I was on antidepressants at the time, and the dose kept getting higher and higher. We tried many types of counseling, well 4. Then I went on some super high dose meds....which weren't the best for me. They left me like a zombie and I didn't realize what was going on for years. I would also disassociate a LOT and didn't realize it until recently. Well a recent med switch woke me up real quick! I don't think these meds are working for me, but I KNOW that being off of the old meds has opened my eyes OMG! I quickly realized that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship AGAIN! I had a feeling around March of last year but was too medicated to do much about it. Anyway, I wanted to give sort of a timeline and highlight his reasons/excuses (especially his most recent one) as to why he shouldn’t “work on it yet” and get your opinions, I really really need your help with the last and most recent one. In March, when I purchased the book, it popped up on his Kindle. He said something about it and said he was emotionally abusive. I told him he could read it and it was made for both parties to read and it may help him. He did nothing. I was still in zombie land, so time rolled on. I did the med switch and like I said above became very aware of what was happening. He was being emotionally abusive, ignoring me, and not helping with chores at all. He spent all day on his game. He gamed, Biotched, ate, and slept. It was getting close to my daughter’s wedding at this point and I used all of the sanity I had to focus on helping her and enjoying it the best I could. So I would bite my tongue when he was mean…but the day was coming… He ended up upsetting me badly a couple of days before the wedding. I was upset because he wasn’t helping and he was always mad at me or ignoring me. And also, that the girls were hurt for the same reasons. He said he didn’t know. Also, around this time he kept saying I had to ask him for help because he forgets because of his meds. Of course everytime I asked for help, he was pi**y. After the wedding, he still was doing the same things and not taking responsibility and getting upset with me when I stood up for myself. I finally just said, “Look, you saw the abuse book in March and said you do it, just fess up.” He did but said he could not change overnight. Nothing was changing though. I kept sticking up for myself and asking for the attention and respect I deserved. (A side note, his treatment of me has kept me constantly anxious and cause many many panic attacks) I didn’t want to fight out loud, plus I write better than I talk, and there’s no chance for him to interrupt me. But he quit reading my emails because they were “nasty”. They weren’t of course, he just didn’t like them. Finally I started getting through to him a little, but he asked me if I could change my tone. He’s emotionally abusing me and I’m supposed to be this sweetheart?! Haha. He has started to help me more around the house and with the dogs and chores. I tell him I notice and now I want to see if he will do some “emotional work”. He says before he does any emotional work that he thinks I should get back on stronger meds because of my “emotional state” and I may be asking too much of him. I’m like, noooo. I realize at this point he still isn’t considering me as a person with a valid and sane point so I write him an email. He responds with this: "I wasnt trying to shirk responsibility, but i wasnt accepting full responsibility. I have been emotionally abusive. I cant deny that. You need emotional support. Im willing to recognize what i think is acceptable as my responsibility, but alot of your emotions come from your past too. I think maybe personal counseling may be needed to figure out what is from me and what is repressed?" ***. Like there is NO room for anyone else, I'm consumed by what is happening to me!!! Plus, I barely think about my past...unless it is to realize-Hey ive been here before and have more knowledge and awareness of this current bs situation due to my past. I know the difference between a past memory bothering me and the fact that I’m mad at him. Also, the man has PTSD. So I ask him….so what do we do with your past trauma that I didn’t cause? Your PTSD? We’re still in talks about it, barely talking about it. He’s thinking on it mostly. But I keep pushing forward, asking him to work on some emotional goals. Also, I tried to do an internet search to make sense of this maddness. I found a beautiful article about loving a girl who's been through trauma, I sent it to him. The way I see it is that everyone has baggage and we just love them enough to help them even though it's not our fault. That's what I've been doing for him for 12 years. Why would he be so defensive about helping me if I was struggling with my past (which I"m not). We will see what happens. Thanks for listening and for any input Grace
  2. I agree the dreams are pretty intense, very vivid. So far no itching for me. I should be taking allergy meds just in case, plus I need allergy meds anyway as it is. I don't know anything about the blood pressure. I do know that I was not necessarily amped up, but very euphoric and awake today. I eventually got tired though and took a good nap. Here's to good days ahead for all of us. (clinks imaginary glass full of soda) Grace
  3. @gandolfication any updates on the Brintellix? I just started Trintillex 10 mg a few hours ago, took it after a meal and with a Phenergan (just to be safe). So far so good! I will update everyone as symptoms come along, I'm hoping they are few and far between. Grace
  4. Hello, I wish I could completely help you, hugs to you, this sounds horrible. I do have some experience and input for you to consider though. I just tapered down off of my Zoloft 150 mg to Zoloft 50 mg, but it took me about 3 weeks to do so. I had very little nausea coming off of the Zoloft, and experienced some flu like aches last night while still taking the lower dose of Zoloft. Other than that my symptoms were not as severe as yours, I think the doc had you taper down too fast. I just took my first Trintillex a few minutes ago, along with a Phenergan (anti nausea med) which I already had on hand for migraine headaches and the nausea that comes with them. From what I've read Trintillex is known to cause nausea (if you Google it or even look here on the forums you'll find people talking about it). Anyway if I end up sick in spite of the anti nausea meds I will let you know. It could very well be a combination of withdrawls mixed with the side effects of the Trintillex. Can you ask your doctor for some anti nausea medication? My doctor (just a regular family doctor) had me on a weird tapering off schedule that I didn't keep because she had me doing so incorrectly (she had me skipping days where i wouldn't take the meds, and that is a no no for Zoloft). All of this to say, I would expect more from a psych doc, more knowledge, more time given to taper off, more empathy.... I don't know if you should go back on the Zoloft. I think that's a question for the doctor, sadly. Keep us updated. Personally message me if you'd like. Grace
  5. maxedgrace

    What Are You Listening To Right Now?

    Penatonix rocking Bohemian Rhapsody!
  6. maxedgrace

    Wife self injury, problem with my daughter :(

    I agree with JSOP. Your wife has a problem and is essentially throwing a dangerous fit over your daughter. What if something else comes up in the future that threatens her, will she stop with self harm (self harm is bad enough). This just doesn't sound healthy. IF she were willing to work through this or find a way to calm down about it, perhaps it's worth staying. But the way I see it, she's manipulating you with her self harm. Are you willing to walk on eggshells to keep from setting her off in the future? Are you willing to lose your daughter over her insisting you don't see your daughter, when she could find a way to cope with her jealousy. Love and relationships are a TWO person process. And don't worry about trying to get into her head...you're not her counselor, it's only safe and healthy for a professional to try to get into her head. Be safe and best wishes.
  7. maxedgrace

    Chest hurts, ER doesn't care, husband making jokes

    @mikeb6901 I've been through withdrawls/discontinuation symptoms before...so i sort of saw this coming. But having stopped my blood thinners at the same time I started tapering down didn't help with my anxiety about chest pain. I definitely feel the exact same as you, more sensitive as i taper down, feeling not much to now everything. Like you I may or may not be able to stay off the meds once tapered. I'm taking Klonopin for the anxiety and have some pain meds for headaches that I'm taking to help with the chest pain. Thanks for posting i'm glad you can relate!!! Grace
  8. Hurting in many ways :(

    1. idkusername465

      idkusername465

      Sorry to hear this Grace  :console:

    2. ironlion

      ironlion

      are you okay?

    3. Inbetween

      Inbetween

      Msg me,Gracie.

  9. I went to the ER tonight. My chest was super tight and it was getting hard to breathe. I knew it could be one of three things, my anxiety from tapering down on my meds, my blood clots were back or my Cpap (nighttime breathing machine) had caused my chest muscles to ache. I told my husband it could be one of these three things, but I felt like going to the ER either way. At first he was his cranky self about it, but he straightened up before we left. I swear I told him I was sorry at least 10 times before and while we were there. Well since my chest was tight they had to do an EKG…then had to do blood tests and since I have a history of blood clots they had to do a CT scan of my chest. I told the Dr. it could just be anxiety…but the doctor was like, it’s OK we need to check it all out anyway….oh and do you want something for your chest pain. I was like sure. Like I’m not going to take a shot of pain meds while I’m there…psssh! Well a couple of hours and no pain meds later, all of the tests for blood clots are ran. Turns out I have no more blood clots hooray. Which means it’s one of the other two things. They ignore that I’m still in pain or that I’m that anxious to be in the pain I’m in and they discharge me. No shots, no prescriptions, no nothing, just go home. I start to cry and told my husband I was going to cry all night about this not being something more serious and everyone having to go through all of that. He was like, “It’s OK.” I calm myself down a little bit. He hands me my clothes and I put them on. He points down to my shoes and says “Here’s your shoes….faker.” I look at him shocked and about to cry. I had already told him I’m going to cry all night about it as it was. He’s like “I’m joking…you’re far too sensitive.” I try to nonchalantly say “I’m a highly sensitive person.” He tells me that I chose to be sensitive. I tell him, “No, I was born this way.” (OK OK maybe not the exactly correct argument for my current situation, but anyway) And he says no you’re not, you’re sensitive because you chose not to take your meds. WHOA. These are meds I was told to taper down from so I could go onto different meds…I have to taper down off of them, there is no choice here. (I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to stay off of the meds or try the new ones once I taper down enough). I tell him I’m not going to argue with him, and he says something about there’s nothing to argue about…I just try to let it go and walk out of the ER without balling my eyes out about the situation AND him being an insensitive jerk. He drives me to the drugstore to pick up my meds. He already has been told by me that his haphazard driving scares me, like in a serious discussion way before this. Well he’s driving crazy up to the drive thru of the drug store and I’m like “your driving is scaring the out of me.” And instead of saying sorry or owning that he’s driving a little crazy he goes…”You’re just looking to start a fight aren’t you.” WHAT? I really wanted him to stop and get me food on the way home but I didn’t want anymore “encounters” with him so I kept my mouth shut. So here I am, still in the same pain I was in at the ER with even worse anxiety and sadness than when I started…and to top it all off, my husband is being a total ass to me and making me more upset…I’m eating day old donut holes and about to cry. Thanks for listening ( I need a bajillion hugs and support right now) Grace
  10. maxedgrace

    Bored

    I think it's anhedonia mixed with boredom, I've looked it up here on the forums and gotten some good insight on it. It's like being clueless as to what will actually hit my joy buttons. I'm hoping it's the meds causing it and not depression. Maybe i will have to discover new things to fill this newfound void. While pacing myself. I donno. Blah. Grace
  11. maxedgrace

    Husband full of rage

    I'm so wound up, even after my meds that i can't sleep...I'm shaken
  12. This is complicated. This is heartbreaking. My husband saw his share of bad things during his time at war and it left him with some really really bad PTSD. When I met him he was more carefree than he is now (because little did I know he was a functioning alcoholic at the time) and I didn't realize what I was getting myself into. They say love is blind. And I say at first it so is!!! But now reality has a way of setting in. Reduce my meds and the numbness and fuzziness in my head and reality really sets in. Then enters my husband and the reality that he really cannot function like a normal person. Today he was set off so bad by this poor guy at Autozone that he says ( I wasn't there) that he was ready to punch him. And it was because the guy couldn't find a part in the computer. My husband is under a lot of stress to get stuff done, rather than hiding in his man cave playing games here recently. Our car broke down and he had to fix it himself instead of paying someone to work on it and etc. etc. He got so stressed today and he started to take it out on me. I told him to not f*** with me. He was in a rage, slamming doors and all that. I tried to talk him out of leaving before he left, tried to tell him that I was scared he was going to have a car wreck or hurt someone or himself. It was all so much to witness, endure and worry about. He told me he was sorry and needed me to not be mad at him at some point during all of this...all I could say was "OK"....i just wanted him to calm down. I emotionally and physically shut down, took a Klonopin to avoid the oncoming panic attack and went to sleep. He somehow managed to get everything done from that point on without any drama. I woke up to him telling me my car was working now. I left him alone to play his games and take some meds (he was afraid to take them previously because they can make him sleepy). Later this evening I talked to him. I told him today was rough, he said he was sorry. Then he quietly said, "You can never let me get a concealed carry liscense." Ummmmm, I, ummmm, OK. He was like, does that scare you. And I was like yeah, even without a concealed gun you can still assault someone. I'm still shocked at the level of his rage, my mind is sort of a blur at how the conversation ended. No, there's no guns in the house. No he's never raised a hand to me, our kids or animals. I know people are going to say that no good can come from staying with him. He sees his psychologist regularly (who BTW is going to hear about this, like, tomorrow), he takes his meds, he does his best to stay calm. He has a pure sweet heart full of love for me and others. He is just so damaged in the brain. He needs me but he needs to control his rage when he has to function. This is why we don't go on road trips like his family reunion he was trying to get me to go to. I don't want to leave him. I want to help him, besides me, only his Mom understands him enough to help him. It's not his fault he losses his cool when he looses control of a situation, he gets triggered or something. But it needs to be his problem, because i can't take it much longer. It's been 11 years of this, me being on and off meds. I am now starting to feel that only a person numbed themselves by medications can endure being with someone with PTSD like he has. But I feel that I need to not be so numb and I need a safe place to do that. I feel like i've been a zombie and missed out on so much of life, of my kids' lives because of depression and medications. I just need a safer place. I'm not leaving, and don't know what to do. Maybe some crisis couples counseling or something for a while to keep the beast at bay. I don't know. If you read this, i love you in a friendly way. xoxo Gracie
  13. maxedgrace

    My head in the sand

    The anxiety is coming back now that I'm down to half of my old dosage. It's hard to deal with but at least i'm actually having feelings now and not just a zombie.
  14. I've been on Klonopin for years and don't abuse them....I only use them as needed. One of my psychiatrists had said that a "Klonopin in the pocket is almost as good as one in the mouth." Meaning, it helps to know that you have something there if you need it. I've tried "add on" meds or meds that were known to help with anxiety with no luck without the benzos. I'm sorry you're having a hard time getting a hold of a script...that just stinks. We're here if you need to vent. Hugs, Grace
  15. maxedgrace

    Zoloft Withdrawal

    Anyone going off of Zoloft right now? I am and it's getting tough. I feel more clear headed, but the withdrawl symptoms are really bad right now. I was at 150, went down to 100 OK and now down to 75 and it's a hard stage to be at. I am hoping I can continue at the lower dose and even lower it from there. Thanks Grace
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