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Everything posted by surfcaster

  1. Yesterday was evaluation on my shoulder, today is the first day of actual therapy, she said it's going to hurt worse as at first as we progress, yay, gonna get it fixed, not at all worried about the pain, not happy about more sleepless nights though. But it's in the name of progress right
  2. It isnt over until you let it be over, you are a lion so lets hear you roar
  3. I just wanna stay in my own little world here on the coast, fish, watch nature interact with the bay and ocean and be oblivious to the outside world
  4. Sadly it's only the lawers who win, the rest are only different layers of loser, i sincerely hope you find an equitable solution, you deserve a break
  5. Bullies can't handle standing your ground, it throws them off their game, good for you, dont get anxious over it
  6. Don't forget kanye west, he wants his hat in there also
  7. I'm sure your joy is gonna burst out once it's over, but for now i guess dont count the chickens just yet, keeping fingers crossed for you
  8. But we could be the intelligent monkeys that starts a revolution like in planet of the apes and kick them off the planet
  9. Thanks for all the support, sometimes it's all i got
  10. Thanks nightjar, as you stated peple in similar circumstances know us more then anyone else. None of it was shared for the reasons you mentioned and i think my therapist will be the only one for a while, then maybe group, we will see. Thanks for your sincere support
  11. I guess it's time after all these years to talk about it and stop holding it in, I'm still thinking i should spare my wife the horrors though, I'm going to open up this conversation with my therapist who persistantly dug after in futility, maybe group night not sure though, that might take a while, question is though do you think after all this time it will even matter. Or is it better left buried.
  12. Nope, you're fine, a good friend should understand and be supportive, only thing i can say constructively is maybe let them know in advance so maybe they'd have known ahead of time, i know it's rough, you're not wrong though
  13. first off don't read if you trigger, these details i have never spoken to a soul, not my docs, not my therapists, not even my wife, I've only ever generalized them and only to a select few, i don't even know why i am doing it now, i guess i want to get it out before i die. i was always a shy timid person, As a child at home i endured mental and physical abuse no child should ever go through, the back of his hand daily just because or the leather strap, i could be watching tv, my sister comes in and changes the channel, if i said one word or did anything other than leave i was beaten severely, if i got 1 poor grade on a report card i had to stay in my room and do extra work and study from the time school let out until bedtime the entire marking period as punishment, the mental abuse was as bad, my name was dumbo, i was ridiculed and teased in public so everyone would see, but hey it was all acceptable, he was a decorated cop. at school i was singled out by the teachers because i was different and the students went right along, pushed around, beat up, spit on ,even once pissed on as i lay bloody on the ground and everyone laughed, as a teen into my 20s dads belt or backhand became fists, in high school and in the neighborhood i was the punching bag and abuse magnet, i was once run down and purposely hit by a car because it was funny, i was left there broken in the street while they drove away, 17 yrs old or so i found drugs, and they deadened the pain, lots of drugs, more and more and more, all i could get, it was the drugs that unleashed the years of buried rage and anger, i was at this point from a physically demanding job a big, powerful man full of rage, i had absolutely no fear, no fear at all, that was all taken away by the years of abuse, i to this day posses no fear of anything, i was a wrecking ball destroying anyone who crossed me, i was on a mission to get them all at any cost, pain was not a deterrent, i enjoyed the pain, all this led to my 1st attempt, i won't say how, but i was in the ICU for 2 months in a medically induced coma so the hospital could get my organs back to where they could function on their own, after that it was 3 months in the psych hospital, i was not a good patient, released from the hospital i was broken, no where to go, no job waiting for me, no home accept back to the abuser, who not long doubled down because i embarrassed him and made him look bad to his police department, a couple more years of this and my 2nd attempt, awoke in the hospital with multiple broken bones, cuts, gashes, torn ligaments, it was again to the psych ward, this time for 1 month, after this i made the life changing decision to leave the state and leave everyone permanently behind, no one cared and no one ever looked for me but in the process i met an angel who changed my life and i married her, through the years she had every right to leave me behind 100 times because of my extensive baggage and part of me wishes she did, but she stayed right there, right beside me, she even intervened on what was going to be another attempt, i didn't even realize she was home, she has suffered greatly because of my extensive mental issues and deserves a place in heaven beside our lord, for that i can never forgive myself. NEVER.
  14. I was a die hard earndhart sr fan, traveled to Charlotte motor speedway for the coca cola 600 for many years, his death changed the sports safety priorities, I'm now a kevin harvick fan
  15. Ice cream cone from the ice cream truck
  16. Nascar all star race festivities, main event later tonight
  17. Darkness, Into the void, Escape, the quiet is surreal, Endless nothingness surrounds me for what feels like eternity, Fallacy of escape is more a prison, Shuffling along in the darkness i hear a sound, Voices from beyond a portal, This must be a sign of things to come, As i step through, the portal closes, No return it seems, The voices are few. Speaking with clarity at first, In judgement i sit One by one they grow into a deafening roar, Pointing out every flaw i know too well, Upon my path becomes a fork, to the right, make good on an attempt that failed, To the left, the great unknown, appearing to be the void once more, Now i must choose. Where is this place i speak, tis my mind so weak
  18. was 95 degrees, way too hot for this time of year, glad i was inside
  19. blood sport was good, the other 2 meh, not my cup of tea
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