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Everything posted by surfcaster

  1. go to an isolated island to live out my life in solitude
  2. I suppose this topic is getting old, I see no sense in continuing it, everyone has been fantastic with their replies, thank you they will be remembered. merry christmas end of post
  3. I am trying very hard to stay in the spirit of Christmas, yesterday I went to church for the first time in years and today I put up the Christmas tree trying to keep myself occupied, hoping that something will change for the better. so let me say, I hope all of you have a merry Christmas filled with whatever it means to you.
  4. since I'm not allowed to go to work, let it snow
  5. went outside to get the mail this afternoon and found 2 cardboard boxes on the front steps, someone found the need in there heart to leave 2 boxes of food. why? how? I have asked no one for help, and have kept the desperation of my situation to myself. why did they do it so secretly. whoever you are, thank you. now my family can eat somewhat decent for a little while.
  6. laurynjcat, I just don't know what to say, accept thank you, your posts give me a lot to think about. expecially your last quote about suicide, no it is not what i want my daughter to go through life thinking about everyday to 89anne, I think I may look into that thanks for the link. I hope I'm not getting too carried away with the subject matter of this post but I feel if I don't talk about it things will just build up inside until it boils over. anyway this morning on the way to work I got kind of dizzy and disoriented and found myself driving in the divider between the ramp and the main road headed straight for the concrete wall point separating the ramp from the road, I sat there for like 15 minutes before I continued on to work, I told my assistant what had happened and he said that I should not be at work and that he would take me home, i told him I'm here now so i might as well stay, besides it is going to snow this weekend i would be needed here. i guess out of concern he went to our supervisor who told me that i would need a note from my doctor saying that i would be ok to work and drive, i called the doc and left a message for him to fax over a note releasing me to work and drive, instead what i got was a note that banned me from driving at all and that i could not return to work until next Thursday. from reading my past posts you all know my financial situation, this weekend would have been at least 18 to 24 hours of overtime that i really needed, maybe it is for the better but right now it just feels like i can't catch a break.
  7. made the terrible mistake of letting the doc talk me into a flu shot yesterday, after my last post i went to bed and spent the next 3 hours shaking un controlably, feeling pain in every part of my body, i didn't realize what was going on until 230 this morning when i woke up extremely hot and sore, it was that dam flu shot, never again, never. just throw this on top of everything else, what more am i supposed to handle, is god looking for my breaking point, because he already found it once.
  8. I've actually been to the doctor tonight after work, supposedly I have some sort of inner ear viral infection that is causing the dizziness and lightheaded, viral labrynthitis or something sounding like that. they said theycan't do anything it has to run it's course and could take a couple weeks. they gave me a prescription which I have not picked up that helps with the dizzy part but would make me too drowsy to drive, can't really afford it anyway, right now I am very bad and am feeling muscle aches and back pains.
  9. im actually not sure I should have ever posted this, who am I to ask or expect help from anyone for something I have done to myself, it is my mess and I alone should bear the load, I am reminded of an old saying my father always told me and until now I've always hated, god helps those who help themselves. I believe I will concentrate on the true meaning of Christmas as that is all I have to offer.
  10. ASlycoris thank you for your reply it is apreciated. first i need to do something that is very hard to talk about, i really don't want to talk about my financial issue because i am very ashamed of it, because of the only chapter of bankruptcy i was allowed to file all my creditors were to cease any and all contact with me, that was good but the court put everything i owed into one amount of money and they decided what percentage i have to pay back, they gave me a monthly payment that i MUST make to a bankruptcy lawer to be distributed, my current bills and amount of money i get payed were never taken into consideration. im constantly getting warnings from the power company that they are going to cut me off which makes me short annother bill to pay them, then i hear from that utility, it's a viscious circle. im on the verge of having my house repossesed. now with much of that being said, i have a hard time getting assistance from many sources because they only look at how much money i make, so i get denied, it seems the only way my daughter will get to college is on her own, i will continue to beat down doors looking for whatever i can get but up to now that is nothing. i guess i have to swallow my pride and try the food banks and the like because im not sure how long i can go on not eating so my family can. im not all that far from completely falling off the edge which scares me to death, because as a suicide survivor i made a promise to myself that it would never happen again, but i find mysely at a point where i'm just not sure i will be able to keep that promise. thanks for everyones input, it is greatly needed
  11. thanks so much lauryn I was touched by your reply, expecially the line from the Grinch it made me realize what Christmas should really be about. I really don't know what is going on with my health, I rarely drink, the only drugs I take are the ones I've been taking for a while for various ailments, I've had 6 surgeries for knees, throat, nose, hands, I probably need something for my hip, I don't smoke, I just don't know, now im lightheaded dizzy and weak and getting worse, im afraid if it doesn't get better I won't feel safe enough to drive to work. again thank you for caring, because of your encouragement and kindness I think tomorrow I will make an appointment to see the doctor and figure a way to pay for it later
  12. for most of my life Christmas has been aweful to put it nicely, I would go into a completely debilitating state of depression, resulting in complete isolation from everyone and everything, It would cause me to lose time at work and begin to have suicidal ideations. but for the past few years I have begun to break out of that and actually began to like watching my wife and daughter enjoy the Christmas season. but circunstances have changed, I have had to declare bankruptcy this year which I am ashamed to admit, I struggle to pay bills which I cannot always do, I am behind on mortgage payments and worry constantly if the bank is going to take my house. i have no money to make chrstmas happen in any way except spiritually, my daughter graduates this year and really wants to go to college next year but I know there is no way I can provide her with the education she needs and deserves, my health is suffering, I cannot stand or walk more than 15 minutes before I have to sit down, for the past week I have been feeling lightheaded, dizzy, weak and tired.i just don't know what to do, I can feel myself rapidly going downhill, im going to crash soon and end up where it all began many years ago. someone please help.
  13. the music that plays when your on hold on the phone
  14. sitting in my office on the df forum instead of working
  15. Old man look at my life, I'm a lot like you were. Old man look at my life, I'm a lot like you were. Old man look at my life, Twenty four and there's so much more Live alone in a paradise That makes me think of two. old man ----- neil young Love lost, such a cost, Give me things that don't get lost. Like a coin that won't get tossed Rolling home to you.
  16. family holidays, excpecially since i was abused by parents when i was younger
  17. i don't want to do anything today but im bored
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