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Blog Entries posted by surfcaster

  1. surfcaster
    first off don't read if you trigger,  these details i have never spoken to a soul, not my docs, not my therapists, not even my wife, I've only ever generalized them and only to a select few,  i don't even know why i am doing it now, i guess i want to get it out before i die. i was always a shy timid person,    As a child at home i endured mental and physical abuse no child should ever go through, the back of his hand daily just because or the leather strap, i could be watching tv, my sister comes in and changes the channel, if i said one word or did  anything other than leave i was beaten severely, if i got 1 poor grade on a report card i had to stay in my room and do extra work and study from the time school let out until bedtime the entire marking period as punishment, the mental abuse was as bad, my name was dumbo, i was ridiculed and teased in public so everyone would see, but hey it was all acceptable, he was a decorated cop. at school i was singled out by the teachers because i was different and the students went right along, pushed around, beat up, spit on ,even once pissed on as i lay bloody on the ground and everyone laughed,  as a teen into my 20s dads belt or backhand became fists,  in high school and in the neighborhood i was the punching bag and abuse magnet, i was once run down and purposely hit by a car because it was funny,  i was left there broken in the street while they drove away,  17 yrs old or so i found drugs, and they deadened the pain, lots of drugs, more and more and more, all i could get, it was the drugs that unleashed the years of buried rage and anger, i was at this point from a physically demanding job a big, powerful man full of rage, i had absolutely no fear, no fear at all, that was all taken away by the years of abuse, i to this day posses no fear of anything,  i was a wrecking ball destroying anyone who crossed me, i was on a mission to get them all at any cost, pain was not a deterrent, i enjoyed the pain, all this led to my 1st attempt, i won't say how, but i was in the ICU  for 2 months in a medically induced coma so the hospital could get my organs back to where they could function on their own, after that it was 3 months in the psych hospital, i was not a good patient, released from the hospital i was broken, no where to go, no job waiting for me,  no home accept back to the abuser,  who not long doubled down because i embarrassed him and made him look bad to his police department, a couple more years of this and my 2nd attempt, awoke in the hospital with multiple broken bones, cuts, gashes, torn ligaments,  it was again to the psych ward, this time for 1 month, after this i made the life changing decision to leave the state and leave everyone permanently behind, no one cared and no one ever looked for me but in the process i met an angel who changed my life and i married her, through the years she had every right to leave me behind 100 times because of my extensive baggage and part of me wishes she did, but she stayed right there, right beside me, she even intervened on what was going to be another attempt, i didn't even realize she was home, she has suffered greatly because of my extensive mental issues and deserves a place in heaven beside our lord, for that i can never forgive myself. NEVER.
  2. surfcaster

    myl life
    mental and physical abuse by my father from the time i was real young until i was older and began to fight back, bullied, beat up and pushed around in school and in the neighborhood until i again was older and began to fight back, drug abuse from like 17 yrs old to 27 yrs old, it was my only way of coping with living in hell, 20 yrs old 1st failed attempt, 25 yrs old 2nd failed attempt, anytime i was asked what i wanted for my future i replied i'll be dead before i'm 30 so nothing,  i had some years in my mid 20s where i worked out daily and became a monster that no one would dare look at with a cross eye, those were dangerous years, there was a lot of trauma and living hell in my 1st 27 years of life, met my wife when i was 27, she is the angel sent from heaven because without her i would have died before i was 30, life was better but i still had more demons buried deep in my soul than 10,000 people combined and it was hard on my wife not knowing because i refused to talk about it,  had to sit in the hospital watching my wife dying because the doctors were fighting over whose responsibility it was, that caused me to withdraw almost completely and i lost all faith in humanity, at this time i was  again close to attempting but somehow made it through, i had like 10 years span there where i was managing ok and had everything i endured in life suppressed i thought for good,  but as life would have it it reared it's ugly head, i sat one day with the barrel in my mouth when my wife walked in and stopped me, it was only then that i slowly started to open up to her about what i had endured in life and started taking therapy serious, off and on better times through the years seeing therapists and docs most of the way, flash foreword to now and, well you know the story from here.
  3. surfcaster
    Well it looks like we are on the last chapter, the book of my life is coming to a close as is me, no matter how hard i try it's just not in the cards, there is nothing left to try, i give, you win, do with me what you will, i figure the fires of hell are close at hand and i welcome you
  4. surfcaster
    can't help feeling that i do not belong here which means i don't belong anywhere,  i feel like i'm the loser that always has a major issue, i feel like people are growing tired of seeing the constant posts of how bad i feel, maybe i should just shut the fff up, maybe my father was right all those years, maybe i am just too stupid and too lazy to learn,
    what's the point, i fought and i lost,  game over
  5. surfcaster
    so i'm back to having to re-learn what it takes to make me ok again, but was i ever ok to begin with, not sure, anyway, not dealing well emotionally or mentally, anxiety is high again, isolating again and stressed out still, talked to my therapist today and we talked about everything but mostly how work is stressing me out and how the upcoming busy season is expected to be 10 times busier then last year and how i do not handle work stress well, in her opinion i should consider quitting work and just doing light part time work as i can handle it, i reminded her that the last time i quit a job because i was burnt out and it was hurting me it took me a very long time to work again, to which she said maybe you just can't work anymore think about your health first and worry about that later, so now i'm wondering what to do
  6. surfcaster
    my world has completely turned arround over the last six months, my new doc and therapist have worked a miracle, im happy most days, i've learned to control my anxiety, i no longer have anger issues, im usually the calmest person in the shop at work. im making new friends which is a miracle for me. my meds are slowly being reduced and i no longer feel depressed. i guess i just wanted to post something positive for a change, see, if it happened to me it can happen to everyone, ive gone from a failed suicide attempt several years ago to where i am now.
  7. surfcaster
    so today i am conducting job interviews all day to try and hire four jobs,all entry level, man where do these people come from, all morning so far and i have yet to interview one person id even think about hiring. don't they read the descriptions of the job before they apply, let alone making their aplication and resume sound good only to find out in the interview they don't know s***. didn't they think i would ask questions about what they wrote they knew. duh
  8. surfcaster
    it's about time i finally have something to look forward to, i love going to the beach and fishing all day and relaxing by the ocean. i am hoping that by the end of the weekend i am feeling a little better, but im not sure how that's all going to play out, i just found out that my cousins husband with whom we spent many of days on the beach with just passed away this morning from liver cancer that he had been struggling with. my cousin lives at the beach so im sure i will be seeing her.
  9. surfcaster
    I've had a really rough week that seems to be continuing, I was really hoping things would look up once I was not on call. it just seems like everything I try goes wrong. I want to be normal, I want to be not depressed and I would love to have true friends
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