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About NickyLynn

  • Birthday 03/27/1972

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    Kickboxing, running, reading, Sci-Fi and action movies, spending time with my 2 incredible children and loving and VERY patient husband

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  1. I just started taking Effexor. It has helped a little but not a ton. It's stopped complete crying jags but I'm still shaky and miserable.
  2. Unfortunately what I have read on the subject says that approaching them one by one will not work because it will just confirm the whole "she's crazy" thing and "why is she so nuts and sensitive". When it was in the early stages, I talked to two of the people who said "you must just be overtired" or something similar. After that, there was even more texting and eye rolling in my presence. Looking back, I have heard them talk about other people this way and I somehow thought of that situation as different. I never will again.
  3. I did. My husband kept thinking because I was so bad I should probably stay back. I was odd and and almost confused and exhausted and could barely move. When I was there I was distracted and did well. It's when I have time to think that things are bad.
  4. What a nice thing to say. Well my brother doesn't actually help in the sense you mean - he doesn't like to talk about my depression, as most don't, but he does love me unconditionally and I don't think he would ever cut me off like everyone else in my life seems to. He doesn't seem annoyed that I'm alive. Things are still not good. I sometimes just don't know how I can keep going on like this. I try to keep busy but no matter what I'm doing my thoughts are in the way.
  5. I'm currently being bullied at work - a group of people are all talking about me and text all day and laugh and will make annoyed faces when I talk to them like my mere existence is barely to be borne. In the last 10 years, in every friend group I am in, I end up the outsider and bullied. I have no doubt I do something myself to make this happen to me, but I can't seem to fix it. I wish I had an idea on services or tests or anything. I've been to two therapists and I feel like I just became less functional after working with the therapists. I tried subscribing to a blog on how to make friends but it just kept making me feel like crap because I felt like I will never be able to be good enough. I wish you all the luck and friendship in the world. Feel free to chat via PM if you just need to vent.
  6. Rejection from anyone just hurts on a fundamental level. It's easy to obsess over why you aren't good enough for them. What's wrong with you? is what my brain instantly goes to. I'm having trouble telling myself this but it's easy to tell someone else that likely this person would not have made a good a boyfriend/romantic partner if he was so quick to cut you off. But I get that that doesn't make it feel any better. It sucks to be alone, but I guess know you are not the only one going through this. So many people are lonely and get rejected by those they most want to connect with. Hang in there.
  7. I wake up most nights at 3 or 4. It's adding to my craziness. I can't be rational because I can't get sleep. In my case, I am waking with anxiety but I have anxiety all day long. I've been thinking of trying a meditation app. In my case, my thoughts are just getting more and more frenzied. But regardless, waking in the middle of the night sucks.
  8. I don't know what to do anymore. My mind is completely breaking. My office is small and three of the women I work with and one man are basically making me the entertainment of their day. They do eye rolls or laugh at me right in front of me. They send me random texts on occasion and then when I respond no one even replies to me. It's a weird mind game. These people used to be my friends but apparently at some point I crossed some kind of line or I just became the least cool of the group because I have been ousted socially from the group. I have to work with them fairly closely. My pay and benefits and type of job are such that I can't easily quit. One of the people is very socially and politically powerful and has turned others in the office against me as well that I don't work with as often. I don't have many friends that I can just try and focus on someone else. Because I've come to be so down recently, the couple of friends I do have really don't want to talk to me right now, which I understand. I have a husband and 2 children that are older - teen and early adult - that love me. I try to focus on that but being unliked/unloved everywhere else I go is slowly ******* me. I would change jobs but I can't say I'm amazingly terrific at what I do and I almost had a mental breakdown trying to get where I am now as far as competency in my job now. I'm not great at what I do but I'm comfortable and know whats expected of me. And based on my track record, leaving this workplace would just lead to a miserable experience elsewhere with worse benefits and pay. I don't know how to better my life. People have said volunteering or other things to take my mind off me, but my stupid neurotic mind is always on me. And what people don't know is that in my volunteering situations I am often even rejected there. LIke trying to help at church events, the other people seemed annoyed by what I didn't know and really didn't want me there. I'm not a quick learner so I often just get in the way or make things worse so it's just a new place where people don't want me.
  9. Well wow that sounds like me. I am so screwed up. Laying her bawling because I feel rejected. Maybe i don't exude confidence but when I make choices without other's OK, they end up laughing or mocking my choices. Every choice I make is to hopefully make someone like me. I also procrastinate on everything and fear making choices of any kind. I want to be perfect at everything I do because I want to be loved. So it's left me where I am - mostly alone and unloved and unliked. I am completely reliant on others to do anything. I don't even know who I am. I don't really think there is a me beyond the person who wants to be whatever others make me. I wish I could find a therapist to help me. I'm losing hope.
  10. I am really struggling. I can't stop crying and even though the initial feeling of super paranoia has passed - I feel exhausted and can't stop crying. I keep trying to distract myself and it's not working. Trying to pack to go to my brothers whom I love and feel so accepted by almost more than anyone in the world. And here I am falling part just randomly because I felt slighted by my coworkers. How do i escape my own damn head!
  11. I'm really freaking out today. So I apologize for anyone who read this before but I have 3 coworkers who ousted me from the friend group inner circle. I decided today it might be healthier to just focus on being friendlier to everyone. End result, they have been friendly back but do these weird looks and I know behind my back they are all saying what a crazy person I am. They probably can tell I'm trying to be overly positive and have a new reason to say how freaking weird I am. I can't take it man!!! There's the slightest possibility my coworkers aren't all trashing me but my head sending me these thoughts regardless is making me go crazy. I have been having dark thoughts all day and I can't stop my own brain. I can't do this!! I don't know what to do. I am in a frantic panic and just feel like I'm dying. What a horrible horrible thing that borderline people (if that's what i am) are so afraid of being alone and actually are alone because they are unwanted. It's freaking hell. I just desperately want someone to unconditionally love me. I can't seem to do it for myself.
  12. I am 46 and I feel like I've just gotten weaker. I used to let things roll off mostly. I assumed I would not have friends and assumed not awesome people was just the norm- I grew up fairly friendless and had only a few friends in college. In my late 20s I had a really positive work and friend experience where I had lots of friends for a number of years - I was actually very popular for about 5 or 6 years - so much so that I found trying to schedule in all my social activities stressful. Things changed and i ended up friendless again in my mid 30s. Things hit rock bottom during this time when my husband was unintentionally being emotionally abusive (he had for years but clearly was not aware he was chipping away my sense of self to make himself feel better), my friends disappeared and I ended my toxic relationship with my mother. I had almost no one. I had multiple sets of friend groups start treating me badly and discarded me. I became suicidal. My husband finally got it and slowly changed and realized if I didn't have someone treat me OK I would be gone because I couldn't take it anymore. He changed his interactions towards me and stopped being hostile on a regular basis. I slowly dug myself back out and became OK again in my 40s. Fast forward to now and I'm at rock bottom again and I feel like I have the fewest people than I did in my life. My husband at least has changed. And that is something. But I fear the moment he says - go ahead and do it - I will not have the willpower to not leave the world at that very moment because it will mean I have hit the end of my list of people who care.
  13. Thanks Floor. I have to ignore it because I have to work with them on a daily basis. I've already asked one of my friends if I had upset her - she said no - but I think I have my answer. I appreciate the realism of the fact that I can't just reject them entirely. That makes my life way too hard at work since our work is very interconnected.
  14. Thank you Epictetus. It's good to remember I'm not the only rejected person on the planet. Right now I see all my neighbors going to the homecoming game tonight and tailgating for a college football game and I am trying so hard not to be jealous. I have gone to these things in the past and tried to befriend others or invite people and I'm unwanted. I know somehow i'm trying too hard, not hard enough, just not likeable, etc. I know it's my fault but I can't be anyone else but me. Even when I try to fake it until I make it - people see through to the real me. Even though I don't say things like I am on here about being a loser. Can't someone throw me a bone. I guess I just should have been happy I had a number of years being a part of a single friend group even though I knew I was still last choice of 4.
  15. So I've been trying to convince myself that I was crazy. My "friends" who I thought were good friends of mine used to include me in everything. When suddenly I was ignored, marginalized and talked over, I tried to convince myself that I was crazy. Suddenly the text group name of our thread was renamed "FAKE" because it worked out as our last letters of our names. I asked my good friend for years if there was a reason she renamed our thread "fake" and stopped texting in it. She said no everything was fine and what a fun name it was she named it - she was just busy. The other day I overheard her saying to someone else how she is always texting her friends Sarah and Jenny and jokingly said how she almost neglects her kids texting. It was almost better when I thought maybe I was wrong. Maybe my head was getting all crazy. But to find out I'm right and I've been ditched. I can't tell you how great it felt when I thought I had such great friends. I was almost giddy at times because I have so few friends that being included felt great. I have no doubt the issue is me but what am I supposed to do with that information? You have very few friends and the ones you have are trying to ditch you and now you know it. Wow. It hurts so much. Sometimes I just feel like trying to make it through the world unwanted by everyone is more than I can bear.
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