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velvetpuddles

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Everything posted by velvetpuddles

  1. I've never read truer words. So simple, but I never quite made that connection in my life! Ugh.
  2. Thank you. I'm honestly trying. And for the most part, we're completely happy and loving this new life. But once my mood slips down, it's so hard not to dwell on the past. But thank you again. I do take your words to heart.
  3. About this time last year, my fiance began an affair with a girl at his work. He started "working late" more often. He started showering with the door closed and sleeping fully dressed. He began to get snippy with me about random things, and he overall just felt distant. He stared at his phone a lot and texted all the time. But I held out. I could tell something was wrong with him, but he's prone to depression also, so I thought that might've be been it. I noticed some girl I never heard of appearing on his Facebook posts more often, but I'm also prone to paranoia and anxiety, so I thought that might've been it. And one night, he got really cranky from a look he thought he saw on my face before he went to bed. So I stayed up and wrote him a note about how much I loved him and looked forward to our future and about how much I wish I could be making him happy but that it felt like I was making things worse for him. I promised to be more supportive and love him with everything I had to get passed this but we were in. When he came home from work the next day, late, he walked into my office crying and told me it was over. He told me that he'd fallen out of love and wanted to end our relationship. I bargained. I pleaded and negotiated. I tried to talk some sense into him. But he wouldn't budge. And that day catapulted me into my worst depressive episode ever. In a particularly regrettable and deplorable act, I found his old phone one day while he was at work. I read the texts between him and the other girl. I read through all the lies he had told me. And I read them talking about how they'd been together for months, well before he broke up with me and before she'd broken up with her boyfriend. It was an insanely difficult time to still be living with the love of my life who'd cheated on me. But a little before he had back surgery half a year later, we became so much closer again. Closer as friends. We talked about our lives and what was going on. He helped me through some difficult moments of this depression. I helped him through some difficult moments of his new relationship. I gave him many chances to come clean about the affair, but he never did. When I couldn't hold on to that knowledge any longer (and wanted to demonstrate honesty to him), I confessed to what I'd learned and how I learned it. He broke down. I broke down. It was a big, messy day for us, but looking back, it feels like we'd overcome a major speed bump in our history and present. Ultimately, he broke up with that girl a month or so later. He lost all sense of happiness with her and as much as he tried to talk to her about anything, she'd fly off the rails and take everything out on him. We had a good month or two of honest, simple, and fun friendship. It was a great time. And for as much as I hated him for what he'd done, I don't think I ever stopped loving him. And in that time of friendship, I started feeling like I had a crush on him again. After a while of that, we were sitting on the porch one night talking, I don't even remember about what, but it was a very close and deep talk. And in the warm summer night air, he asked if he could kiss me. I said yes, and it was everything I remembered. It wasn't the simple pecks that we'd devolved to at the end of our relationship. It was a loving kiss with so much history behind it. Then we went inside and he walked me to my bedroom door and kissed me goodnight. A day or two later, we got to talking about it... for a while. We talked about the affair and what we were both feeling and thinking and what comes next. We decided to try again. And since then, we've had an incredible time. We go out and do things, we stay in and do projects together. And he's been treating me like he did for the majority of our previous relationship... lovingly, tenderly, and as if we were the best and oldest of friends. But the affair is still hanging over me like a black cloud. When my mood sinks or when he's not feeling good or when my anxiety flares, I get paranoid and worried that he's lying to me. That something isn't right. That eventually he's just going to do it again and leave me again. We talk about it. We do. He's incredibly supportive and understanding. But when I get in that frame of mind, I torture myself; I punish myself. I go and look at that girl's social media and let myself feel awful that she's still hurting over losing him. I think about all the feelings I had at the end of our relationship and convince myself that my paranoia and anxiety was right... something was wrong... and I should believe it this time, too. Understand that there is not a thing he does that leads to this suspicion; it's entirely contingent on my own poor mental health and propensity toward cynicism. This happened again today. We had a great day and I fell into a sour mood over something stupid and irrelevant. And in my sour mood, I looked at the girl's Instagram page. I saw a picture that floored my anxiety (because she's still crazy about him). He could see in my face that something was wrong, so I told him what I did and saw. We talked for a while, I cried, he comforted, and I started feeling a little better. But after he went to bed, I was feeling crazy again. For as much as I fought myself and wanted to go with my rational mind, the irrational took over. I snuck outside and went to look in his car for something that should've been there. But when I actually got to his car, I couldn't do it. I just didn't have it in me not to trust him after everything we'd been through. So I went back inside. Except that he heard the door close and came out to see. I told him something was blocking the garage from closing, partly because I was caught off guard and partly because I couldn't bear the thought of telling him the truth. And now I feel awful. For doubting him. For not being able to overcome my doubts. For lying. For all the trouble my inability to move forward is causing. The thing is...I know infidelity is hard to overcome and takes a long time and a lot of mutual work. But I feel like I'm the road block. I want to trust him completely. I want to live our lives together. I love him with all my heart. And it's ******* me that this is so hard to move on from. He's being amazingly patient and supportive of everything I'm going through. And I can't give him the benefit of the doubt that his glasses actually are in his car? I feel rotten and pathetic. But I also know that his actions are what caused this... and he knows it, too, but I feel awful that my healing process is taking a while and making him feel bad every time I need to talk about it. He doesn't mind at all, though. He knows he was wrong and how it affected me, he feels awful about it all, and he's doing everything he can to help me. He WANTS me to talk about it and anything else whenever I need to, but it's hard for me because I don't want to bring him pain. My mind would rather absorb all the pain around me than let others feel it, even if those others are responsible. I can't take it anymore. I just want my life and love back the way they were before this horrible black cloud rooted into my mind. This is a burden I just don't want to bear anymore. I didn't deserve this. I don't. I need to figure out how to move on from this memory. And from this year.
  4. This has been a bizarre week so far. The biggest thing...I officially got my severance notice from work. Of course I've known it was coming for a few years now, and I've been conflicted about it for just as long. On one hand, the job of late has been miserable, and I'm tired of being alone all day, every day. On the other hand, I love the women I work with and love having the freedom of being on my own working from home. But the idea that I'll need to go through applications and job interviews and all the panic and anxiety, along with the financial stress, again just kills me. I'll be getting a decent severance package of 5 weeks pay and a bonus for staying. And my wonderful boss managed to get them to let me keep all of my saved PTO hours instead of them vanishing with the new year, so that's about another three weeks of pay. My boyfriend's family is taking me on their family vacation to Disney World in February, even though we were separated when they planned it. I'm incredibly touched that they've accepted me into their family. So I think I'll take the month of January to refresh myself while passively applying for jobs. Then my unemployment will kick in in February, so I can kick it into high gear. I have no clue what I want to do, though. Bryan and I have been doing a lot of wood crafting together, which has been great! Everyone has loved one of our projects, and we got quite a few orders from Bryan's co-workers, so we started advertising our projects for sale. Our dream is to be able to make a living from selling our arts and crafts, or at the very least have a nice side income from it. So it's really exciting to have a bunch of strangers want our products! In my unemployment, I plan to kick up production enough that we can start selling at craft fairs. In other news, I sliced my thumb pretty badly the other day when I was chopping carrots for beef stew. So badly that I considered going to the ER for stitches, but I couldn't drive myself and everyone I knew was at work. Bryan bandaged me up, but we changed the dressing today, and oh my god...it is a terrible gash. It's going to take a long time to close up. Having an immobile thumb is really tough and I've been filled with so much anxiety over it. I keep imagining it getting a serious infection, or dying and needing to be cut off, or losing all feeling in it forever. It's probably not that bad, but you all know how an anxious, hyperchondriac mind works. At least my car passed inspection and has brand new tires on it. It's been an expensive journey, but it's going to help me get through the winter with less anxiety. And finally, I'm on day two of tapering off Zoloft. It's been going seemlessly. But of course, I think that might have something to do with my inconsistency in taking them these last few months. I wanted to taper off with the loss of my insurance once I'm laid off so that I didn't have to worry about the expense of buying the pills and psych visits. But I AM worried with how I'm going to cope with the loss of my job and finding another without that crutch. I dunno. This has been a bizarre week for me. Now tomorrow I have to go pick up Bryan's son from kindergarten and for some reason, I'm extremely nervous about it. Okay, not "some reason," but it's a new experience, which terrifies me. I've been a sort of step parent to the kid for almost four years, and picking him up from school is scary???? I hate how my mind works. I think that's the end of my rambling, good and bad. Now, time to drink my Cabernet and TRY to get sleepy.
  5. Freaked out! I got my official notice from work today and will be out of a job right after the new year. So, I decided to make beef stew in the crock pot for comfort food and nearly sliced my thumb off while cutting a carrot. It was seriously gnarly. I paced around the house with a giant wad of paper towels, refusing to look at it, until my boyfriend would be home an hour later. Broke down crying and panicking when he got home. But he cleaned it up, bandaged me, and finished prepping the stew like it was nothing! I feel like a clumsy idiot now, but I can't stop thinking that my thumb will die and be amputated now. Stupid anxiety.
  6. I'm officially tapering off of Zoloft. And three days after I'm done, I'll be officially unemployed. I'm really scared to get through this next month. And the months after as I'm looking for a new job. I just hope I learned how to be strong enough to handle this after all I went through this year. Financial stress is one of my biggest triggers. And interviews throw me into panic attacks. I have no choice but to get through this. Here we go. The battle is on.
  7. I just feel compelled to catalog today. I had an appointment scheduled with my psychiatrist after work. My plan was to talk about starting to taper me off of Zoloft (and my appointments) ultimately because I knew I'd be losing my insurance in the next month or two from losing my job. But also because I know that the worst symptoms from my episode had passed. I still feel general malaise and outrageous anxiety, but that's how I was before this shit year and the antidepressants never touched that. But this afternoon I got a call from my boss... from her chemo treatment, no less. She asked me to work on something for her tomorrow while she's off recovering from treatment and then wanted to give me a heads up that it looks like I'll be getting my 30 day notice on Wednesday, meaning that my last day of work will be January 4. Of course, I knew this was coming. For 4 years I knew this was coming. But the reality of it is a whole different story. She wanted me to know because rolling into the new year means I'd lose any PTO saved over 80 hours. By the end of the year, I'll have about 130 hours saved. I told her that knowing I'd be out of a job, I'd rather lose the hours than sacrifice my overtime pay. She felt bad and said she'd work on convincing her boss to prevent us from losing any PTO with the new year. I believe her...she managed to get her boss to give us all a $2500 bonus for staying until we're laid off. I hope it works out... 50 hours of pay is a lot to lose just because they didn't give us our notices until after December started. Anyway. So I'm losing my job in a month. And I don't have to see my psychiatrist again if I don't want to. And I'll be off the meds in a month. And this is going to be a hell of a month for me. I'm honestly scared about being able to pay my bills and find a new job. I had a good long talk with Bryan about that and my fear of losing him over how crazy I might get through all of this, but being the good man he is, he talked me down and got me to laugh. I think we'll be able to get through this. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...
  8. In my incessant ruminating tonight, it occurred to me, like a lightbulb turning on, that he is a narcissist. 100% narcissistic. It became so clear. It felt like putting the last piece in the puzzle. Even still, after all this time, I feel awful about everything and for putting my health and well-being first. I know I should be proud of myself, but I just feel bad. So I'm writing this to remind myself that he is absolutely a narcissist, and I should be focusing on myself and my future and not all the bad memories and feelings over the years. Because I know I'll forget... probably by tomorrow morning.
  9. velvetpuddles

    Rewind

    @JD4010 I guess people are usually always transforming, so there isn't really a "real" version of us. Of course, those of us who have trouble with change and prefer a stability probably feel like there is and pine for a certain period in our lives when everything around us was most "right." I dunno...I had a train of thought after reading your comment, haha. I don't know when I'd go back to. I think I'd rather fast forward so that this year can be in the past and be buried by newer memories. But then I'd probably still dwell on some of these things, anyway.
  10. Oh, I'm so sorry! I've been away from here and just saw the news about your mom. I'm terribly sorry for your lost. But it's great to hear about your achievement and self revelations. Congrats. Best wishes to you!
  11. velvetpuddles

    Rewind

    I know it's useless to think like this, but there are some moments...many moments... when I wish I could find my rewind button. Or reset. Or fast forward. I'm not really sure. My world turned upside down this year, and now that it's right side up, I have so many regrets. I'm happy enough to leave them in the past, determined never to repeat them, but reminders keep popping up. Not just reminders but actual events and situations that cause me to relive all of my pain. I cannot make it stop. If it's not my memories that crop up in quiet times and when I try to sleep, then it's messages and photos and books bought at someone's suggestion. It's remembering when someone brought me lunch every time I walk to the front door. It's stretches of highway. It's my dear hometown where I used to tool around with my friends after school. It's my art. It's a name. It's many names. It's physicality, words, actions. I know that I wasn't myself; I don't regret that. I couldn't help it, try as I might. I regret how that part of my history continues to rear it's ugly head and disrupt my current world. I regret how I did things that I wouldn't have done if not for the throes of a particularly painful and debilitating episode of depression. I regret losing myself. At the time, I thought I was making progress and establishing a life. I see now how truly ****ed up I was. Which version of me is more true? I don't even care. I want the life that I have now to continue to grow. And I want my peace and freedom back. I do not know how to destroy that which threatens my sanity.
  12. This morning/afternoon, I was overcome with a pit in my chest from a need to cry. My boyfriend sat with me while I let it out and we talked through whatever my rambling nonsense brought up. Then we conquered the mountains of clean but unfolded laundry and accidently napped through dinner with our neighbors. Overall, I'm feeling a bit numb now. I'm happy with my life now, aside from normal stresses, but I can't stop dwelling on what this year did to me. I can't change any of it, I know, but I'm so full of doubt and regret and sadness for who I was. I can't make peace with this year. I'm not even sure that I want to. Deep down, I think I just want to keep flogging myself for everything that's happened, for losing myself, for falling to the power of depression.
  13. My week off work is coming to a close, sadly. Thankfully next week is short. Otherwise, frustrations abound with my boyfriend's ex-wife and with cash flow. At least my time off was relatively peaceful. Even got our first blanket of snow (and ice, but that's a whole other matter ).
  14. Not too bad today. I've had a rough couple of weeks recently, but today was pretty good. But my feet really hurt. I did panic a bit this morning because this is the month for my car inspection (my car's still newish with very low miles, so I'm not worried about it failing), but I really need new tires for the winter and probably to pass inspection and I'm just terrified of finding good tires and a reputable shop. Plus it's time for a lot of annual doctor appointments, which ratchet up my anxiety. There's just too much to think about and it's weighing very heavily on me.
  15. I slept in, watched old movies with the gloomy weather, nearly finished sanding my nightstand, walked around a couple hardware stores, started a new painting, and spent hours upon hours helping the neighbors put insulation and particle board up in their garage. It was a good day.
  16. My kitties, piles of blankets, shelves full of books (even if it takes the rest of my life to get through them), working on projects, and the loving look in my boyfriend's eyes when he smiles at me.
  17. I filled my car's gas tank today... watched the dollars fly out of my bank account in real time on the screen. Very disheartening realization.
  18. It's November. Naturally. We've entered the month when this time last year, my fiance started drifting from me, culminating in his affair and our broken engagement 3 months later. Along with the onset of my most severe and debilitating major depressive episode ever. We've been happily embracing and renewing our relationship since August. It hasn't been easy, don't get me wrong, but he is like a new man. No, more like a stronger and more mature version of who he was before this mess. He's more compassionate and loving. More outgoing and creative. More attentive and sensitive. It's really been great. Through it all I'm still battling day in and day out with black clouds, but my lows haven't been quite as low. I'm not so much actively suicidal but have leveled off to a manageable moodiness. (And my artistic bursts have mellowed, which speaks to that whole depression-artist connection...) But yesterday, he started work again after a 5 month medical leave, and our protective bubble from reality popped. I worked away from home yesterday, so it wasn't so bad, but today was my first day in a long time working all day without him tooling around the house. And today was also the first day he had to be at work at the same time as his partner in infidelity. He recounted to me his day dealing with that, and all I could think about was how everything fell apart this time last year following following his return to work. He knew that his return to work would be hard for me and he's been very sensitive to it. He's taken plenty of time to reassure me and comfort me about this, which has been great. But this whole week has dredged up a lot of feelings that I'd tucked away over the summer. Now the holidays are tainted with my memories of last year's celebrations knowing now that in the background of all that he was having an affair. I just don't know how to handle it. I want to forget that it ever happened, but I know that's impossible. It's also not helpful since neither of us is looking for a repeat of that mess. I'm just struggling with how to come to terms with a partner who cheated. I love him with every piece of me, and he feels the same. But the memories are haunting, and my obsessive, depressive, and anxious mind won't let them go. Some days I don't even know how to live.
  19. Ohh, I'm so sorry to hear about all of that!! Take care of yourself and get the rest that you need. We love you here! Best wishes, friend.
  20. I'm having a hard time falling asleep tonight. A really hard time. And all that's rattling around in my mind is how "exhausting" the idea of living is. When I'm alone with no distractions, these horrible thoughts are at full volume, and it's hard to be distracted when I'm trying to sleep.
  21. I am overloaded with terrible news from my city. Sad, sad, sad. It's just hard to avoid when it's your home. My coworker's brother is a city cop in that area. An old friend's family goes to that synagogue. I just hate seeing my home in the news for something so awful. That's definitely overshadowed the weekend here. Otherwise everything has been good. I saw my boyfriend's family again for the first time since last year before we broke up. I was extremely anxious about it, but they always stood behind me through everything this year when we weren't together. So, I'm okay right now. We're back to a quiet house again. I'm still pretty down following some inconsistency with taking my meds. Just trying to hold steady for now. My love to you all!
  22. I feel very out of it. It seems like B might have the flu (body aches, headaches, fatigue, etc), and I started feeling it today. I feel completely worn out. So I just finished a mug of night time Theraflu, hoping that it'll help knock me out. The end of my job appears to be coming soon. Our parent company finally has a plan for absorbing the rest of our work through November, so I'll likely be laid off at the end of December or January if all goes as planned. I'm totally conflicted about it. And thinking about it sends me into a tailspin. That's my story today. Just gonna shut my eyes and run through these next few months.
  23. No worries. Carry on as much as you'd like. I feel your pain. I ain't a rich person. I barely make ends meet. I'm just trying to feel okay, but our society doesn't make it easy if you don't have money.
  24. I hate it, too. My monthly premiums aren't that bad, but I'll be laid off probably early next year if it doesn't get delayed again. Cobra is waaaaaay too expensive for me, so I won't have insurance. I have no clue what I'm going to do for my psychiatrist and Zoloft at that point... there's no chance I'll be able to pay out of pocket for any of that. I don't want to be on these pills forever, but clearly my body and mind ain't ready. I hope things work out for you. What a miserable mess we're all in.
  25. I admit...I haven't been 100% compliant with my medication this past month or so. It was completely inadvertent. I get really sick to my stomach if I take Zoloft without food, and I'm just not hungry for a few hours in the morning. Even with an alert on my phone every morning, I have to put it off until I've eaten, and by then I usually forget until it's too late in the day. I must note: this is my first experience with antidepressants, and I've been on them since February. Only in the past month or so I've started missing doses 3-4 times a week. Anyway, I never "noticed" the difference those pills made when it was happening, but out of nowhere a few months ago, I realized my mood was on the rise. But recently, I've been truly awful. My motor functions have been slowed down; I've been tired throughout the days; I've been overly sad and unmotivated, and felt deeply heavy in every way. We eventually thought it might have had something to do with my non-compliance, so I've had my boyfriend help to ensure that I take my pills everyday, regularly. It's been almost a week of daily doses and I find myself wanting to crawl out of my skin. I can't sit still without fidgeting. I have trouble falling asleep again. I'm clumsy and jittery, and my mind is going a thousand miles a minute with bizarre anxiety. I feel like I'm starting all over again. I hoped that I might be able to start tapering off sooner than later, but I don't think that's an option at this point. It's just ****ing depressing.
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