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velvetpuddles last won the day on July 29

velvetpuddles had the most liked content!


About velvetpuddles

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  • Birthday 09/22/1987

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    Western PA

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  1. velvetpuddles

    The nuances of medication.

    No worries. Carry on as much as you'd like. I feel your pain. I ain't a rich person. I barely make ends meet. I'm just trying to feel okay, but our society doesn't make it easy if you don't have money.
  2. velvetpuddles

    The nuances of medication.

    I hate it, too. My monthly premiums aren't that bad, but I'll be laid off probably early next year if it doesn't get delayed again. Cobra is waaaaaay too expensive for me, so I won't have insurance. I have no clue what I'm going to do for my psychiatrist and Zoloft at that point... there's no chance I'll be able to pay out of pocket for any of that. I don't want to be on these pills forever, but clearly my body and mind ain't ready. I hope things work out for you. What a miserable mess we're all in.
  3. velvetpuddles

    The nuances of medication.

    I admit...I haven't been 100% compliant with my medication this past month or so. It was completely inadvertent. I get really sick to my stomach if I take Zoloft without food, and I'm just not hungry for a few hours in the morning. Even with an alert on my phone every morning, I have to put it off until I've eaten, and by then I usually forget until it's too late in the day. I must note: this is my first experience with antidepressants, and I've been on them since February. Only in the past month or so I've started missing doses 3-4 times a week. Anyway, I never "noticed" the difference those pills made when it was happening, but out of nowhere a few months ago, I realized my mood was on the rise. But recently, I've been truly awful. My motor functions have been slowed down; I've been tired throughout the days; I've been overly sad and unmotivated, and felt deeply heavy in every way. We eventually thought it might have had something to do with my non-compliance, so I've had my boyfriend help to ensure that I take my pills everyday, regularly. It's been almost a week of daily doses and I find myself wanting to crawl out of my skin. I can't sit still without fidgeting. I have trouble falling asleep again. I'm clumsy and jittery, and my mind is going a thousand miles a minute with bizarre anxiety. I feel like I'm starting all over again. I hoped that I might be able to start tapering off sooner than later, but I don't think that's an option at this point. It's just ****ing depressing.
  4. velvetpuddles

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    I feel for you. I am perpetually in the same boat. I hope things get better for you!
  5. velvetpuddles

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Happy that hockey season has started again!! I've totally missed yelling at the TV.
  6. velvetpuddles

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Happy birthday, dear friend! I agree... you definitely deserve a break! I hope you enjoy your day off!
  7. velvetpuddles

    The good and bad roller coaster.

    I've been overflowing with creativity recently, which I guess is a good thing. I've started making suncatchers with beads and wire. My first was sort of abstract fall night scene with a tree branch, rolling hills, and a moon with swirling clouds. I really love it and fell in love with the process. And every time I held it up to show my boyfriend my progress, he gave me the sweetest, proudest smile that made me melt. I hadn't seen that smile in a long time. I'm working on a swirly crescent moon now, and have plans to make a letter R as a wedding gift and then work on a series of elaborate masquerade masks. I'm also in the middle of an abstract painting as a companion piece to another I did this summer. It's based on the concept of kintsugi and follows the same theme of melting as its partner. My boyfriend also built me a wooden canvas on which I plan to use putty to add textured trees and create a landscape with the wood grain. My problem is, though, that all of these ideas are completely overwhelming me. I can't keep everything straight in my mind. I'm easily frustrated. I just yelled at a cat a few minutes ago for getting in my way. I know it's good that I'm working on projects and staying active, and I truly do enjoy what I'm doing. But I'm also feeling completely miserable. I've got truly concerning musculoskeletal pain in my upper back, chest, and neck. It's hard to stand up or bend over, etc, etc. My job is just hard to manage these days. And I'm struggling to resolve a lot of past pain from these last few years with my current position in life. It's too much. It's just too much to handle in my pathetically weak mind. Between the good and the bad, I'm just frustrated with not knowing what kind of day it will be when I wake up in the morning. I'm frustrated that unimaginable bullshit seems to crop up when everything else is otherwise going well. All I want is stability. Comfort and stability.
  8. velvetpuddles

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Exactly what I was going to say. No point in beating yourself up, @MarkintheDark. We are our own worst enemies.
  9. velvetpuddles

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Maybe. I always feel like I'm running from the things that cause the anxiety. I've tried facing them, but nothing takes their power away.
  10. velvetpuddles

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    I'm okay. Anxiety keeps coming in these low waves, though. My mind just hones in on a thought, a detail, a fear, a past event, anything, and I get stuck in a loop of catastrophizing. I don't know...I have things in my life that continually eat at me, regardless of how much I talk, write, or rationalize about them. When something in life reminds me of some such thing, I enter the loop again and sink down, down, down. I just don't know what to do except to stare at my feet and keep running. Just call me Forrest Gump.
  11. velvetpuddles

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    @MarkintheDark Oh man, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time! I wish I could help you. Hang in there; you know these deep, dark days always ease up. Take it easy and take some time to care for yourself. All my love, dear friend.
  12. velvetpuddles

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    I'm feeling really good tonight. I spent half the day lazing around the house. Great french toast breakfast. Then went to a local wi.ne and cider tasting festival, followed by a festival of bonfires being lit on a local river. I never really cared much for birthdays, but the weather was beautiful and cool and went to some really cool (and all free!!) events. So all and all, I think I'm ringing in 31 on a high note. Tomorrow the neighbor's and us are driving up to the groundhog city for a massive flea market. I'm really, really excited for it.
  13. velvetpuddles

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    I've had the same issue with work for a while now. It's a struggle to work on anything, and I spend my days feeling guilty about it. I wish I had something helpful to say, but I can only nod my head in agreement. I'm sorry. I hope it gets better for you.
  14. velvetpuddles

    Unplugged: Intimacy Issues.

    I'm thinking it's time I start unlocking some of the pain I've tucked away. I've written plenty in personal journals, but it seems that there's something to writing where others can see it. So I'll start with my biggest mental block. I'm a victim of sexual abuse. Sort of. I'm not a Victim of sexual abuse. I think I could most accurately describe myself as a victim of a mental illness that mitigated the effect of a subconscious manipulation of sexuality. Yeah, I consciously threw a lot of words in their to make sure that this comes across as complicated as it feels to me. My last relationship lasted for 7.5 years. We were engaged for the last 2.5 years of it. But about a year or two into it, our sexual relationship hit a plateau and even started to decline. I lost desire. I still don't know if the loss was just my body getting back to its normal after the excitement of a new relationship or if it had something to do with stress or depression (I was in college at the time) or something else completely. But it was gone. Or more like, it was dramatically reduced. It started as conversations. Cordial agreements about 'getting back to where we were,' finding passion again. Over the years, the conversations progressed into arguments. The subject was such a blight on our relationship that when he asked me to marry him, I asked if he was sure because we had a lot of problems. During the last couple years, I had become so afraid and exhausted by the arguments that I started planning my sleep schedule around his tiredness. If he was wide awake doing something, I'd say I was tired (even if I wasn't) and lay down in bed, pretending to be asleep when he finally came to bed. If he was tired, I'd say I wanted to stay up (even if I was exhausted) just so that he would be asleep before I quietly snuck into bed. All to avoid the fights. But inevitably the fight would still happen. It was always the same: a move and an excuse. A quiet conversation. An accusation of my not being attentive to his physical needs. A counter-accusation of him not being attentive to my emotional and mental needs. A long, circular argument about neither of us being there for each other in the way we each need. An escalation into actual yelling for a while. A quiet moment where each of us feels the weight of the fight. Then one of us professes our love and a plea to compromise and find a solution. We quietly talk about what we could do. I become overwhelmed with guilt about my inability to be a good partner. I take the weight of the problem on my shoulders because he's the one pursuing a stressful graduate degree. It's all my fault. There is something wrong with me. I take all the blame. The guilt and fear of losing him overwhelms me to the point that I believe the only way to move forward is to have sex. So we do. And half the time I feel like crying because I'm only doing it to make things okay. I know that if we have sex, we can go another week or so in relative peace until the arguments start again. These fights always occurred in the bed at night. That's why I started to avoid going to bed together...to avoid the fight. It got so bad that I was most comfortable when he was out of town every other month for school. That's when I broke things off and crushed him. Now I know, deep in my heart, that he was not consciously manipulating me into having sex. He was not and is not that kind of evil. He was inexperienced in relationships and we never established a strong line of communication about intimacy. I still feel love toward him and we continued to communicate for a while after the break up. But the damage was done. I felt guilted and manipulated into sex. I felt used. The relationship was broken, along with my sense of comfort in intimacy with men. I know now that my emotional well-being is fragile, and this experience struck a devastating blow to my confidence and sense of self. I still have intimacy issues. Sex and physical and emotional intimacy are difficult for me. After my break up following an undisclosed affair and the onset of my most severe depressive episode ever earlier this year, I let my guard down. I gave up all hope for myself and my life let myself become intimate, physically and emotionally, with a few men that expressed an interest in being in my life. I love them all, truly, as great, dear friends. They all helped me in ways that I didn't understand until now. But all of them broke my heart in one way or another. The last couple months of summer left me shattered. Yes, I did take back my ex who cheated on me and dumped me in January. Yes, we do have some things to work out. But he is the love of my life. We are both changed after this year and stronger than ever. That said, I do still have issues with sex. My experience with my ex lingers in the back of my mind. Sometimes, I understand that what occurred was a form of sexual abuse. But then I think about him and doubt that. I think that maybe it really was just all me and my malingering, undiagnosed mental illnesses. I don't know. I still don't know how to process all of that... how to feel about it. I know it damaged me pretty significantly, but that's about it. But, questions aside, that's been the biggest burden on my soul.
  15. velvetpuddles

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    It's such a shame. I'm sorry to hear you're in the same boat. I'm afraid I'll be discovered as a fraud! The thing is, when I have something concrete to do, I have no problem. But when it's a matter of filling my own time with extra work, I can't do it. And that's 90% of my days! I don't know. We'll get through it somehow.