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velvetpuddles

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velvetpuddles last won the day on July 29

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About velvetpuddles

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    Silver Member
  • Birthday 09/22/1987

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    Female
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    Western PA

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  1. velvetpuddles

    An update.

    This has been a bizarre week so far. The biggest thing...I officially got my severance notice from work. Of course I've known it was coming for a few years now, and I've been conflicted about it for just as long. On one hand, the job of late has been miserable, and I'm tired of being alone all day, every day. On the other hand, I love the women I work with and love having the freedom of being on my own working from home. But the idea that I'll need to go through applications and job interviews and all the panic and anxiety, along with the financial stress, again just kills me. I'll be getting a decent severance package of 5 weeks pay and a bonus for staying. And my wonderful boss managed to get them to let me keep all of my saved PTO hours instead of them vanishing with the new year, so that's about another three weeks of pay. My boyfriend's family is taking me on their family vacation to Disney World in February, even though we were separated when they planned it. I'm incredibly touched that they've accepted me into their family. So I think I'll take the month of January to refresh myself while passively applying for jobs. Then my unemployment will kick in in February, so I can kick it into high gear. I have no clue what I want to do, though. Bryan and I have been doing a lot of wood crafting together, which has been great! Everyone has loved one of our projects, and we got quite a few orders from Bryan's co-workers, so we started advertising our projects for sale. Our dream is to be able to make a living from selling our arts and crafts, or at the very least have a nice side income from it. So it's really exciting to have a bunch of strangers want our products! In my unemployment, I plan to kick up production enough that we can start selling at craft fairs. In other news, I sliced my thumb pretty badly the other day when I was chopping carrots for beef stew. So badly that I considered going to the ER for stitches, but I couldn't drive myself and everyone I knew was at work. Bryan bandaged me up, but we changed the dressing today, and oh my god...it is a terrible gash. It's going to take a long time to close up. Having an immobile thumb is really tough and I've been filled with so much anxiety over it. I keep imagining it getting a serious infection, or dying and needing to be cut off, or losing all feeling in it forever. It's probably not that bad, but you all know how an anxious, hyperchondriac mind works. At least my car passed inspection and has brand new tires on it. It's been an expensive journey, but it's going to help me get through the winter with less anxiety. And finally, I'm on day two of tapering off Zoloft. It's been going seemlessly. But of course, I think that might have something to do with my inconsistency in taking them these last few months. I wanted to taper off with the loss of my insurance once I'm laid off so that I didn't have to worry about the expense of buying the pills and psych visits. But I AM worried with how I'm going to cope with the loss of my job and finding another without that crutch. I dunno. This has been a bizarre week for me. Now tomorrow I have to go pick up Bryan's son from kindergarten and for some reason, I'm extremely nervous about it. Okay, not "some reason," but it's a new experience, which terrifies me. I've been a sort of step parent to the kid for almost four years, and picking him up from school is scary???? I hate how my mind works. I think that's the end of my rambling, good and bad. Now, time to drink my Cabernet and TRY to get sleepy.
  2. velvetpuddles

    How Do You Feel Right Now #9

    Freaked out! I got my official notice from work today and will be out of a job right after the new year. So, I decided to make beef stew in the crock pot for comfort food and nearly sliced my thumb off while cutting a carrot. It was seriously gnarly. I paced around the house with a giant wad of paper towels, refusing to look at it, until my boyfriend would be home an hour later. Broke down crying and panicking when he got home. But he cleaned it up, bandaged me, and finished prepping the stew like it was nothing! I feel like a clumsy idiot now, but I can't stop thinking that my thumb will die and be amputated now. Stupid anxiety.
  3. velvetpuddles

    How Do You Feel Right Now #9

    I'm officially tapering off of Zoloft. And three days after I'm done, I'll be officially unemployed. I'm really scared to get through this next month. And the months after as I'm looking for a new job. I just hope I learned how to be strong enough to handle this after all I went through this year. Financial stress is one of my biggest triggers. And interviews throw me into panic attacks. I have no choice but to get through this. Here we go. The battle is on.
  4. velvetpuddles

    A series of events.

    I just feel compelled to catalog today. I had an appointment scheduled with my psychiatrist after work. My plan was to talk about starting to taper me off of Zoloft (and my appointments) ultimately because I knew I'd be losing my insurance in the next month or two from losing my job. But also because I know that the worst symptoms from my episode had passed. I still feel general malaise and outrageous anxiety, but that's how I was before this shit year and the antidepressants never touched that. But this afternoon I got a call from my boss... from her chemo treatment, no less. She asked me to work on something for her tomorrow while she's off recovering from treatment and then wanted to give me a heads up that it looks like I'll be getting my 30 day notice on Wednesday, meaning that my last day of work will be January 4. Of course, I knew this was coming. For 4 years I knew this was coming. But the reality of it is a whole different story. She wanted me to know because rolling into the new year means I'd lose any PTO saved over 80 hours. By the end of the year, I'll have about 130 hours saved. I told her that knowing I'd be out of a job, I'd rather lose the hours than sacrifice my overtime pay. She felt bad and said she'd work on convincing her boss to prevent us from losing any PTO with the new year. I believe her...she managed to get her boss to give us all a $2500 bonus for staying until we're laid off. I hope it works out... 50 hours of pay is a lot to lose just because they didn't give us our notices until after December started. Anyway. So I'm losing my job in a month. And I don't have to see my psychiatrist again if I don't want to. And I'll be off the meds in a month. And this is going to be a hell of a month for me. I'm honestly scared about being able to pay my bills and find a new job. I had a good long talk with Bryan about that and my fear of losing him over how crazy I might get through all of this, but being the good man he is, he talked me down and got me to laugh. I think we'll be able to get through this. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...
  5. velvetpuddles

    He was a narcissist!

    In my incessant ruminating tonight, it occurred to me, like a lightbulb turning on, that he is a narcissist. 100% narcissistic. It became so clear. It felt like putting the last piece in the puzzle. Even still, after all this time, I feel awful about everything and for putting my health and well-being first. I know I should be proud of myself, but I just feel bad. So I'm writing this to remind myself that he is absolutely a narcissist, and I should be focusing on myself and my future and not all the bad memories and feelings over the years. Because I know I'll forget... probably by tomorrow morning.
  6. velvetpuddles

    Rewind

    @JD4010 I guess people are usually always transforming, so there isn't really a "real" version of us. Of course, those of us who have trouble with change and prefer a stability probably feel like there is and pine for a certain period in our lives when everything around us was most "right." I dunno...I had a train of thought after reading your comment, haha. I don't know when I'd go back to. I think I'd rather fast forward so that this year can be in the past and be buried by newer memories. But then I'd probably still dwell on some of these things, anyway.
  7. velvetpuddles

    How Do You Feel Right Now #9

    Oh, I'm so sorry! I've been away from here and just saw the news about your mom. I'm terribly sorry for your lost. But it's great to hear about your achievement and self revelations. Congrats. Best wishes to you!
  8. velvetpuddles

    Rewind

    I know it's useless to think like this, but there are some moments...many moments... when I wish I could find my rewind button. Or reset. Or fast forward. I'm not really sure. My world turned upside down this year, and now that it's right side up, I have so many regrets. I'm happy enough to leave them in the past, determined never to repeat them, but reminders keep popping up. Not just reminders but actual events and situations that cause me to relive all of my pain. I cannot make it stop. If it's not my memories that crop up in quiet times and when I try to sleep, then it's messages and photos and books bought at someone's suggestion. It's remembering when someone brought me lunch every time I walk to the front door. It's stretches of highway. It's my dear hometown where I used to tool around with my friends after school. It's my art. It's a name. It's many names. It's physicality, words, actions. I know that I wasn't myself; I don't regret that. I couldn't help it, try as I might. I regret how that part of my history continues to rear it's ugly head and disrupt my current world. I regret how I did things that I wouldn't have done if not for the throes of a particularly painful and debilitating episode of depression. I regret losing myself. At the time, I thought I was making progress and establishing a life. I see now how truly ****ed up I was. Which version of me is more true? I don't even care. I want the life that I have now to continue to grow. And I want my peace and freedom back. I do not know how to destroy that which threatens my sanity.
  9. velvetpuddles

    How Do You Feel Right Now #9

    This morning/afternoon, I was overcome with a pit in my chest from a need to cry. My boyfriend sat with me while I let it out and we talked through whatever my rambling nonsense brought up. Then we conquered the mountains of clean but unfolded laundry and accidently napped through dinner with our neighbors. Overall, I'm feeling a bit numb now. I'm happy with my life now, aside from normal stresses, but I can't stop dwelling on what this year did to me. I can't change any of it, I know, but I'm so full of doubt and regret and sadness for who I was. I can't make peace with this year. I'm not even sure that I want to. Deep down, I think I just want to keep flogging myself for everything that's happened, for losing myself, for falling to the power of depression.
  10. velvetpuddles

    How Do You Feel Right Now #9

    My week off work is coming to a close, sadly. Thankfully next week is short. Otherwise, frustrations abound with my boyfriend's ex-wife and with cash flow. At least my time off was relatively peaceful. Even got our first blanket of snow (and ice, but that's a whole other matter ).
  11. velvetpuddles

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Not too bad today. I've had a rough couple of weeks recently, but today was pretty good. But my feet really hurt. I did panic a bit this morning because this is the month for my car inspection (my car's still newish with very low miles, so I'm not worried about it failing), but I really need new tires for the winter and probably to pass inspection and I'm just terrified of finding good tires and a reputable shop. Plus it's time for a lot of annual doctor appointments, which ratchet up my anxiety. There's just too much to think about and it's weighing very heavily on me.
  12. velvetpuddles

    What Did You Do Today? #2

    I slept in, watched old movies with the gloomy weather, nearly finished sanding my nightstand, walked around a couple hardware stores, started a new painting, and spent hours upon hours helping the neighbors put insulation and particle board up in their garage. It was a good day.
  13. velvetpuddles

    What Brings You Comfort?

    My kitties, piles of blankets, shelves full of books (even if it takes the rest of my life to get through them), working on projects, and the loving look in my boyfriend's eyes when he smiles at me.
  14. velvetpuddles

    The Post Anything Thread (2)

    I filled my car's gas tank today... watched the dollars fly out of my bank account in real time on the screen. Very disheartening realization.
  15. velvetpuddles

    November rain.

    It's November. Naturally. We've entered the month when this time last year, my fiance started drifting from me, culminating in his affair and our broken engagement 3 months later. Along with the onset of my most severe and debilitating major depressive episode ever. We've been happily embracing and renewing our relationship since August. It hasn't been easy, don't get me wrong, but he is like a new man. No, more like a stronger and more mature version of who he was before this mess. He's more compassionate and loving. More outgoing and creative. More attentive and sensitive. It's really been great. Through it all I'm still battling day in and day out with black clouds, but my lows haven't been quite as low. I'm not so much actively suicidal but have leveled off to a manageable moodiness. (And my artistic bursts have mellowed, which speaks to that whole depression-artist connection...) But yesterday, he started work again after a 5 month medical leave, and our protective bubble from reality popped. I worked away from home yesterday, so it wasn't so bad, but today was my first day in a long time working all day without him tooling around the house. And today was also the first day he had to be at work at the same time as his partner in infidelity. He recounted to me his day dealing with that, and all I could think about was how everything fell apart this time last year following following his return to work. He knew that his return to work would be hard for me and he's been very sensitive to it. He's taken plenty of time to reassure me and comfort me about this, which has been great. But this whole week has dredged up a lot of feelings that I'd tucked away over the summer. Now the holidays are tainted with my memories of last year's celebrations knowing now that in the background of all that he was having an affair. I just don't know how to handle it. I want to forget that it ever happened, but I know that's impossible. It's also not helpful since neither of us is looking for a repeat of that mess. I'm just struggling with how to come to terms with a partner who cheated. I love him with every piece of me, and he feels the same. But the memories are haunting, and my obsessive, depressive, and anxious mind won't let them go. Some days I don't even know how to live.
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