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About wadybug

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  • Birthday 01/31/1983

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    depression, anxiety, ADHD
  1. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  2. Happy birthday!


  3. My mother has always put a great deal of importance on appearance. She talks about my aunt, who she doesn't like, as being a "fake" because she crash dieted for months before her wedding so she could look skinny for her wedding photos and my mom complains that she acts like she was always that skinny even though she was always really fat (as if this is a personality flaw). My mom would do little things like tell me i got my dad's big ears and should hide them behind my hair in pictures but otherwise would tell me I was beautiful. However, since she focused so much on people's looks and how skinny people were, etc. when I saw how much skinner other girls in my elementary school were it made me feel fat by comparison. As I got older and my mom got older she gained a lot of weight (from having kids, quitting smoking, being depressed and inactive, eating a lot of junk food) and would refuse to let people take pictures of her and constantly talk about how disgusting she was. I also was very inactive and used food for comfort so I gained a lot of weight in my mid-teens. I think when I was sixteen I said I'd like to buy a pair of thong underwear because a friend had told me she actually thought they were comfortable and my mom said "but why would you want something like that now? don't you think you should wait until you lose some weight?" I guess she thought it was something only skinny people should be allowed to wear. Now me and her are both overweight and she talks about how when she was my age she was skinny as if it something to be so proud of and I should be so ashamed of how I look. She is also ashamed of how she looks herself, but somehow discounts it as being because she is old (she is only 50 but i think she's so depressed she has mostly given up) and her life is over so it doesn't matter what she looks like. My sister is 17, a size 00 and whenever she eats chips my mom says "you better be careful or else you'll get fat like me!". My sister wants to get breast implants and her ears pinned back because she obviously has also picked up from my mother that it is very important to be pretty and skinny. My mom actually said to my sister "when i was your age my waist was smaller than yours" like as if it's a taunt!! Unbelievable...
  4. Thanks everyone and sorry I've taken so long to reply. I had to write an exam yesterday which was awful and I failed because I couldn't study for it, even though I was very interested in the course during the year, so I haven't been feeling up to talking or even writing lately. IVAX, he has been doing anything he can to help, putting all the energy he had into the relationship and was giving me space because I told him I was too depressed to spend time with him and also needed to use all my limited energy on school. He writes to me and tells me misses me but also doesn't say this very often because he doesn't want me to feel guilty for needing time to myself. Anyway, I did break up with him a few days ago. I've realized that I do love him, but I think the lack of attraction (which was always there, I just took it to not be that important in the beginning and tried to ignore it) and the depression/frustration with his own issues are making it impossible for me to be with him. We are going to try to stay friends, as impossible as that may be. He is truly my best friend and understands me in a way no one else in the world ever has. It just got to the point where all we would do is talk about how sad and scared we are and I become overwhelmed with my own sadness and also guilt for not being able to do more to make him feel better. He would tell me that having me around made him feel better and motivated him to try; so even though being around him didn't make me feel any better most of the time I started to feel like I had to see him cause I felt somehow responsible for making him feel better. And I just got so sick of trying to take care of someone else when I was sick myself that I had to push him away and stop seeing him for a while. He never expected me to help him/take care of him and always wanted to help/comfort me but just knowing that having him around didn't help me yet me being around helped him made me feel guilty for not wanting to be there.
  5. I've become ambivalent about staying with my current bf. He is a good, kind person and we have similar values and beliefs. He experiences anxiety/depression so he understands how I feel and is very patient with my mood swings, but when I list these things I don't feel much emotional attachment, just like I'm checking off characteristics I would say I find appealing in someone. I haven't seen him in months and at first it was mostly because I was trying to focus on studying for the one course I am taking at university, but over time I noticed I have no desire to talk to him or spend time with him. He thinks it is just because I am too depressed and need to focus all my energy on school so he hasn't complained about not seeing me. When I do decide to try talking to him I end up feeling like it is pointless because it doesn't make me feel any better and I just get annoyed by everything he says. But I worry that I'm only annoyed/bored with him because I am too depressed to enjoy anything and because when he tells me about how he's sad or frustrated I just feel like, oh great, more negativity on top of my own. I've also finally admitted to myself that I'm not attracted to him at all. I think I have a habit of ignoring a person's faults at first and going out with guys who seem nice but I'm not at all attracted too (telling myself not to be superficial) but once the initial spark is gone I see the flaws and the complete lack of attraction starts to matter more. I'm also wondering if I date people I don't really respect because I'm too afraid to pursue anyone "better" because I don't expect they would want me. I told him I didn't want to see him anymore but then immediately started crying and took it back - but I don't know if this is because I still want to be with him OR if I am just afraid to be alone. (I have very few friends aside from him and most live far away so I don't see them.) My parents also dislike him. Although they've accepted that my depression limits my ability to work/go to school, they find it difficult to accept this in others and don't want me to be with someone who has the same difficulties. They think it's very irresponsible he isn't working more hours to pay off debt, etc. even though the debt was a result of the actions of his abusive ex. My mom says if I'm not able to work I better find someone who is going to support me. (Yay sexism...) So I wonder if part of the reason I don't want to spend time with him is because I live with my parents and don't have the energy to deal with their disapproval. The subject description should be: "Or should I wait until I'm feeling less depressed" (does anyone know how to edit the post subject???)
  6. If she isn't ready for a relationship you shouldn't take it personally. She has two young kids, and maybe as much as she enjoyed hanging out with you she just doesn't have the time. The first person you date usually isn't "the one" but it sounds like the actual date was a good experience, and now you'll just be better prepared for the next one. I know it's nerve-racking but all we can ever do is just keep trying to find things that make us happy.
  7. My current bf and I met online. We stupidly met in person after only talking online a couple weeks, but luckily he wasn't a creep! My uncle is married to a woman he met online. She says they emailed for a couple months and didn't even share details like their name, where they lived, what they did. They just talked to make sure they weren't creeps and to see if they connected. Online dating definitely works, and there is much less stigma about it now than there. I think all my single friends in their twenties have profiles on at least one dating site!
  8. I have had mixed experiences. I do think I have always looked for people who I thought would understand my difficulties with depression and often those were people who experienced depression/anxiety at least on some level. A few people I dated who did not experience depression tried to be understanding at first but in the end broke up with me because they "couldn't handle the stress" of dealing with my issues anymore, although they said they still loved me. It is hard for others to handle being around someone who is depressed when they don't quite get it and want to help you but don't know how. Especially if it is a new relationship I think people get overwhelmed and impatient. One guy kept telling me he didn't know if we could have a future if I didn't get better. I broke up with him after a couple months (as if anyone with depression needs more pressure to "hurry up and stop being depressed!") I've also dated a couple of people who did have depression/anxiety. At times it is amazing to be able to look at someone and go "wow, you actually get it"; to be able to tell someone how sad you are and not have them brush it off or tell you to "stop talking like that" and just "look on the bright side". The trouble came when... - we were both too depressed/frustrated with life to be as understanding with each other (imagine having someone that has the same traits you hate about yourself... I got mad at a guy for doing all the self destructive things I did myself, because I could see from the outside how bad they were and I wanted him to stop hurting himself) - we clung together, in our private little club, and hid from the world (full of all those awful, awful people who don't understand) avoiding responsibilities because we both felt everything was impossibly hard, so we didn't even try to get better - one of us started to get treatment/feel better, while the other one refused, thinking it wouldn't help. Although seeing someone else get better can give you hope and motivate you to get help yourself, it can also leave you feeling resentful that your partner left you all alone to join the ranks of those evil "normal" people. The person who is doing better might also get frustrated that their partner isn't trying, now that they can see the treatment can help. They might try to push the depressed one into treatment, and no one wants to feel forced like that.
  9. Hi, I was diagnosed years ago with depression/anxiety and have received treatment on and off but after reading the explanation of dysthymia I wonder if I might have that and just have also experienced acute episodes. I always found it impossible to describe when my depressive episode "began" because there wasn't a drastic shift from "happy" to "sad" - just from "sad" to "really sad". For those who have been diagnosed, have you also had more severe symptoms at times? Since elementary school whenever I had a lot of school work I would panic and decide I was worthless and refuse to get out of bed. Is there any difference in treatment for dysthymic disorder vs. depression?
  10. Family: I blame myself for any of them being sad because I don't think I do enough to help them Lack of Friends: I have 2 friends who I never see because I lay in bed crying and can't get myself to even answer the phone when they call. I feel ashamed when my cousins talk about things they did with their friends; it's just another way to make me feel abnormal and inferior Financial Stability: I can't get myself to apply for a job and have only had a few part time jobs in the past. I rely completely on my parents for financial support, and this makes me feel guilty for being a drain on their resources. School and/or Work: Work I mentioned. School: I have spent 6 years trying to get through 1st year university. People used to always say how smart I was, but obviously being smart isn't when you have ADD and severe depression keeping you from doing any homework or showing up to class. Lifestyle: I don't eat healthy or exercise and am overweight. I don't work so I have no money to go out and do things I would like. Mental/Physical Disability: ADD Dislike characteristics: This is an ambiguous one but I dislike my inability to get things done and that I am overly sensitive. I find it impossible to tell whether these are part of my "disease" or my personality, but regardless they suck. Mood Disorder: Depression/Anxiety Heh, the question almost could have been, "which of these things doesn't depress you?"
  11. I have to agree with WuAgent about women wanting "MEN". I have gone out with a few "nice guys" and the reason I ended a relationship with one was because I realized that even though he loved me and treated me well, I didn't respect him because he had no confidence or ambition. He would have let me walk all over him if I had chosen to and that isn't something women are attracted to. He also acted as though his life was pointless without me in it - and no one wants to feel responsible for ensuring someone else's happiness.
  12. I wish I didn't have a birthday. It's not about a fear of growing "old" - I'm only turning 25. But birthdays just seem to make me focus almost entirely on how little I have accomplished compared to others my age, and how I have no idea what I am doing with the rest of my life. Everyone I know who is my age has finished university or college and is working full time. They have moved out of their parents' house or are saving up to buy a house/condo. They have become "adults". I feel like I'm about 18, but inferior to most 18 year olds in that I don't work and have no social life. I have done less in the last 6 years than most people my age do in a year. I have worked a little, but was never able to save because I didn't feel able to keep working and so I've just slowly spent every penny on small, necessary purchases like food and water when I'm out. Now I'm completely reliant on my father for money, even just for bus fare. If I want to see my boyfriend, I practically need to ask for permission because if my dad doesn't give me money I can't leave the house. I have been going to university part time, but so sporadically and taking so few courses that in 4 years of study I've earned 65% of the credits a student usually earns in one year. My younger brother, who would never have been able to get in to the university I attend, is about to graduate from his university. I'm happy for him, but what on earth is the benefit of being "smart" (as people have told me I am) if you're still not able to accomplish anything? Another thing in my life that my birthday highlights: I don't really have friends. My parents were asking me yesterday what I want to do for my birthday. I still live at home and my mother would love to throw me a "party". It just makes me feel pathetic for having basically no one to invite. I've been depressed on and off since I was in grade 4, so most of my friendships have dissolved as I result of my hiding from the world, not answering phone calls, not showing up to things and always saying I just didn't feel like going out. I have two friends; 1 who lives in another city and I see about once a year (if that) and the other I see about once every 2-3 months, only when she calls me often enough that I feel obligated and agree to go out. It's not that I don't want to see and talk to them. It's that I feel so down most of the time that I don't want to move and would feel guilty hanging out with them and having nothing to say except that I feel completely awful. I don't think it's fair to them to be forced to spend time with me when I'm like this (which is almost always). I feel so pathetic. I hate myself. I keep laying in bed just anxiously waiting for death. At least another birthday means I'm one step closer to the end...
  13. I do the same thing. I don't call anyone because going out seems too hard. I don't sign into MSN because I fear someone will start talking to me and I will have to pretend to be ok (because why should I bother them with my issues) or I have to feel guilty and make up an excuse if they want to make plans and I don't feel up to it. It is hard to be around people when you have anxiety/depression, especially if you aren't sure they would "get" it if you told them how you are feeling. Try to hang out with people and make plans when you feel like you can, cause it's hard when you've haven't talked to people for so long that they stop considering you a "friend". (I've had this happen to me a lot.) But when you don't feel up to it, try not to blame yourself. Many people have the same difficulties. I know you might think having a counselor would be strange (because I used to feel that way) but I think you should consider getting one. It can really help to have someone to talk to about how you are feeling who will not judge you and maybe they could help you figure out how to make things easier.
  14. Just wondering if anyone else feels incredibly frustrated with being financially dependent on family or a partner because they are too depressed to work. I know I am very lucky that my parents are still willing and able to "take care" of me financially, since it is better than having to rely on disability benefits or social assistance, but sometimes the guilt is overwhelming. And not only do I always feel guilty, but it is so frustrating that because they are taking care of me financially, they believe they have every right to tell me how I should be living my life, what I should or shouldn't be doing. Obviously with parents it is different than a spouse, since they have been "raising" me for my whole like, and always trying to teach me to be responsible, but at 24 shouldn't I be allowed to decide what is best for me and what I am capable of doing? Whenever I see my boyfriend they act annoyed and assume that if I'm well enough to see him, I must be well enough to work, and start pestering me about all the things I "should" be doing. It doesn't occur to them that I'm only sitting on the couch and watching tv with him because I'm too sad to move any further, but like having him around since he understands and is supportive, and being depressed makes me feel really lonely so it's nice to have someone around. It seems like being sick and unable to work and move out also means that I will be forever treated like an immature child. They act like I don't try hard enough and like I am taking advantage of them and just being lazy. My mother says things like "you don't know what it's like to have kids to take care of so you don't have a choice, you can't sit around and being depressed". They probably think my life is so easy, like a vacation with no worries. I am starting cognitive therapy this week and will likely start taking antidepressants next week, but they don't seem to notice that I am trying to get better, they only focus on what I don't do. I'm never doing enough.
  15. I base my self esteem on academic/job performance, appearance (specifically weight since I should be able to control it), and how often and to what degree I make other people happy. Right now I'm out of school, unemployed, overweight and don't have the energy to much for others - so obviously I'm feeling pretty great about myself.
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