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BlueWeepingRose last won the day on April 19 2013

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About BlueWeepingRose

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  1. He's deeply depressed. I give him support. The other night he told me what was going on and i almost felt as if he was waiting for me to give up on him. I asked him if he wanted to stop talking to me and he said "No" Once I told him I deeply I cared for him, he was happy and thanked me. "I feel horrible for putting things on you, when you're going through your own things." I told him over and over again, that he's not a burden and that I can handle myself. I'm seeing a therapist and I'm getting help for PTSD, which is a good thing. It seems as if he's trying to push me away and anytime I continue to stay, he's almost shocked and taken back by it. I've always been here for him and I love my friends. That's just the kind of person I am. The only way I would stop talking to me is if he asked me too or cut off all contact because I respect people's boundaries. It just seems as if he's so used to people giving up on him and not caring about him. I can hear sadness in his voice anytime we talk. He reaches out to me and we'll joke, carry on a good conversation, but when he's depressed he opens up to me. When he's depressed or sad, it's hard for me to reach him, so I give him space and simply wait for him to come to me. Anytime he comes to me and I still continue to be there for him, it's almost as if he can't believe it. I constantly tell him how much I care for him because he's in such a low state of mind right now. I'm worried about him and I deeply care for him, I just don't want him worrying about me because I have a good support system now. Right now I'm more worried about him. I just wanted to get this out because I'm deeply worried about him and want the best for him.
  2. I suffer with PTSD and bipolar disorder and somehow I fell into this deep dark depression after my boyfriend has disappeared on me. He won't talk to me and I stopped reaching out to him. So I thought it would be better if I let him go. I didn't rely on him, I truly did love him and we understood each other on so many levels. Now I'm falling into this deep dark depression again and I have nobody to talk to. I live in a new area and I hardly know anyone. Apart of me wants to reach out but I hate putting my depression on others around me. So I'm trying to get out of this deep dark depression. My PTSD symptoms are coming back as well and I'm not sure why. I'd go more into that but I rather post that in a different section of the forum. I just feel so utterly alone right now and I cried pretty badly last night. My head is spinning with different thoughts and I ended up going to bed at 5:30 am. My parents are beginning to notice my sleeping patterns are changing and I can tell their beginning to worry about me. Truly do hate this depression part and what it does to me. Just wish I had somebody to talk with who understood how I felt. Anytime I reach out... many people judge me or say something mean towards me which causes my depression to get worse. Once somebody told me that nobody would friend me because I have bipolar disorder and that I'd be better off alone. Since I suffer from PTSD, that truly did upset me because my abuser used to say such horrible things to me.
  3. Last night I was deeply upset and started crying because I'm worried for my boyfriend. He disappeared on me and this isn't the first time either. He suffers with Borderline and I try to be very supportive and understanding whenever he gets in one of his moods or when he's upset. I've supported him and he has done the same for me when I truly needed him. There's been times where he breaks down, gets upset and thinks people are against him or trying to hurt him. Been many occasions where he fears I'll abandon him or find someone better. Often I leave drawing's and art for him, so he knows that I love him. When he worries, I tell him that I do love him and care for him and he seems to relax the minute I reassure him. Daily he suffers with anxiety, anxiety attacks and can't deal with driving and traffic. So sometimes I hold his hand. Anytime he suffers with a stomachache, he can't seem to leave his house and has stomach issues, including IBS. I love him with all my heart, but I'm not going to go chasing after him and plead for him to talk to me. The more I try to reach out to him, he pushes me away further and further where he's unreachable. So I usually leave him alone for a bit, than he comes back to me and messages me. It's been two weeks so far and he's not reaching out to me, so I think his depression has got the best of him. His job is stressful. College is stressful and one night he told me how he wanted to get revenge on people who has hurt him. Anytime I try to talk to him about it, he'll just rant on and on about his childhood and talk about all the people who has hurt him or he assumes will hurt him. He's so paranoid and he's even paranoid that I'll hurt him too. I'm honestly not sure what to do anymore because I keep telling him that I'm not his enemy and that he can always reach out to me if he needs to talk. If he does come back to me, I think I'll be his friend but I don't think I can be with him again because I'm hurt by the way things went and I think it's a little bit unfair to me. I'm not angry at him or hate him, I'll always be there for him but I did everything I could and I'm honestly not sure what else to do at this point. We shared so many wonderful memories together and he has such a big heart. He's one of those guys that will always remain in my heart because he was so caring, comforting and sweet towards me. However when he switches and gets mad and upset, he thinks as if I'm against him which I'm not. I could never hurt him, knowing everything he's been through. He was abandoned by his mother at a very early age and I think that truly has affected him. His sister has Borderline as well and is in a healthy stable relationship. One day I seriously hope he gets the support he deserves with his doctors and heals. He's in so much pain and seeing him in this pain truly has hurt me and affected my life in many ways. I just needed to get this out because nobody understands or assumes he's just a bad guy. He's not an awful person, he just has a disorder and he needs help trying to recover. Thanks for listening. Please respond your thoughts on this because I truly am upset right now about this and can't seem to stop worrying about him....
  4. Yes, I've noticed that. He thinks he's not good enough a lot and many girls left him or cheated on him cause he feared them cheating on him, hurting him or meeting a guy better than him and leaving him. He has told me that he loves me but thinks he should be alone due to his anger and mood swings. He's constantly in his head and he has had problems with drinking and drug use. He has never injured himself but there's times he gets upset during driving and has high anxiety. Picked up on how he thinks like a child at times and he does throw tantrums. I always hug him. Anytime he's distant, he'll tell me I'm sorry I'm distant, I just get weird. One day he will love me, the next he's very distant and feel him pushing me away and I can tell through text when he's in a bad place. Anytime I can't see him, he gets very sad and distant. When he's mad, he has said hurtful things but cries and feels bad later. I end up just leaving the room. He has small amount of friends but he does always communicate with me. Has trust issues as well and suspicious. These are just more things I picked up. And I haven't texted him or messaged him, I'm letting him cool down but when he does come back I tell him how much I've missed him. Thanks for your feedback cause I don't know much about it. All this info helps me understand. Think it's good that him and I are going slow. He's told me he doesn't feel much and he thinks he's a bad person. Guessing it's low self esteem talking..
  5. He's a good person but there's times he's distant and I won't hear from him for days. I try to be understanding. Other times he's very cold and sarcastic, but he'll end up feeling bad and than he'll punish himself and isolate himself, caught on to how he says he's not a good person and how he should just be alone forever and think negative about himself. When he's fine, he'll be very caring, funny and will be there for me. I've been picking up on his black and white thinking, mood swings and bitterness if he's hurt. I'll never hurt his feelings on purpose but he's very sensitive and if anyone tries to joke with him and laughs, he'll get angry and think there out to get him or making fun of him when it's not the case at all. Wanted me to see him this week, but I can't visit him at this time. He's upset with me and went back to being distant towards me. I told him I care for him and that I'll always be there for him. He just needs to talk to me but he's isolating himself once again. Can someone please help me out? Is he fearing I'll abandon him? Is he shutting off due to things that happened to him. His mother abandoned him when he was quite young. I'm very close to him. But anytime I can't see him, he'll get sad and act as if I don't want to see him when that's not the case. Other times he'll push me away if I get to close to him. Just please help me understand this. I won't criticize. I want to be here for him. He means a lot to me. Just need someone to explain his behavior to me.
  6. I've known someone for quite a long time now, since 2008. We've always loved each other and we're together at one point. However I left him because my depression/mood swings were getting the best of me. I had a hard time coping with PTSD and I thought I needed to heal. Felt horrible putting him through pain and misery because of what I was going through because he had problems going on too and was trying to heal from them. We didn't speak for three years. We spoke over Facebook on and off, than we started speaking on a regular basis and got closer. Overtime we grew and got closer. I admitted to all my wrongs and we both talked things over. I broke his heart and I felt so guilty for so long and cried myself at night because deep down I loved him. Just was going through a hard time and I knew I had to heal. He got so close to me, found things about me which I never told anyone else and I opened up to him about everything. I honestly never opened up to many men before because of the things I went through. I had a hard time trusting men too. For so long I couldn't trust anyone really to get close to me. Once he came back we got closer little by little. Realized he's hurt too and he held himself back because his last girlfriend cheated on him. He's been single for two years now. Lately we've been talking a lot more. He told me he misses me a lot and didn't realize how much he missed me until I moved away. He wants me to visit him often and stay at his house. And mentioned, "I want to see you more than every two months." This stuck out to me. For so long I thought he didn't care about me at all and forgot about me. He opened up to me, told me how he feels vulnerable for trusting me now, how he does love me, how he thinks a lot about me, misses me and has dreams about me. How he loves holding me, how I smell good and loves hugging and kissing me. Anytime I'm in his arms, I feel really safe. I feel protected by him. I've never felt like this before with any other man. The minute he holds me, I'm so happy and I can't stop smiling. His kisses are the absolute best and he told me he meant every single hug and kiss that he's ever given me. He has Asperger's and a lot of people think strangely of him but I admire him so much. The minute he walks into a room, I smile immediately. One night he kept looking at me and pointed out how smiley I was. When I looked at him, he was smiling too. The minute I pointed it out, he smiled and turned away very bashfully. He doesn't really express his emotions a lot but when he does it means so much more. I told him I'm understanding and we both worked through our past. We communicate a lot better and I never knew of his disorder because he got diagnosed about a year and a half ago I believe. Since than he took it rather hard and was very critical of himself and thought he was better off not having any relationship because he feared he would hurt the person he was with. I never realized this about him or how much he was suffering until I started hanging out with him. So I made it upon myself to be very supportive of him and be there for him whenever he needed to talk to me over Facebook. Our relationship grew by simply me being there for him. I just needed to get this out because today I needed to express this. All these thoughts have been on my mind for the longest time. He's very supportive of me too if I'm upset but if he feels too many emotions he does tell me. I told him he's not responsible for my emotions or when I have mood swings or if I'm sad and if we need to talk ever we'll talk when both of us are relaxed. He's very honest, sometimes he's very brutally honest and at times I see him looking horrible or looking worried. Again I told him, I'll support him no matter what. Before I left his house, I drew him a picture. "I'll always be here for you. I believe in you. =)" At the bottom I drew Faith in very colorful letters and left it on his desk. Above the picture I drew clouds and made each cloud a different color. Made sure it was bright and happy looking. In the end he loved it and smiled. He made me French Toast one morning and he was very worried about me getting back home safely. I notice the little things he does and take note that it's simply his way of saying, "I love you." Do I feel horrible for what I did in the past? Yes I do. I cried many nights and woke up sobbing, "I'm so sorry!" The one thing I know I needed to do though is take care of myself and try to get past things. My PTSD was taking over my life and I was angry at the world for a very long time. He's not responsible for my past, but he's very supportive when I do need him and I want to be supportive of him too. When I was at his house his father talked to me and said, "Good. I'm glad he has someone to talk too. He needs someone who understands." Once I explained he's there for me too his father was happy, "I'm glad." I strongly believe I know him a lot better now than I ever did and this truly makes me happy. I'm learning a lot about his disorder and I've been learning things little by little since May of last year.
  7. You can only do so much. You had to delete it and start over again because it sounded wrong and possibly patronizing? Yes the situation is horrible and my old boyfriend is the best support I got, better than my parents. He seems to be the only person to understand me. It's hard and there's only so much I can do. At this point I don't see any hope for my situation, that's just me though. I sent you a pm by the way and thanks for your support.
  8. Before I gained a lot of weight and then I lost a lot of weight because I got sick of from precancer. I didn't think this was possible, I still think this is impossible. All I remember is anytime I ate any food, the food went right through me and I ended up having to eat the Brat diet. In December I found out I had precancer on my cervix, before I weighed 165 pounds and then I lost weight and weight 135. They told my mother I had the stomach flu and I lost a lot of weight. Depression has made me not want to eat really. Thinking back before than weighed even more and my father used to tell me how fat I was constantly and people at work used to think I was pregnant constantly. They even used to ask me, "Are you pregnant?" They also told my old boyfriend, "I hope you're proud of yourself for impregnating her!" This made me angry. Now I weigh 140 and my mother still freaks out about me because I rarely eat. I'm too fat, now I'm too thin?? My step father told her to make sure I eat while he's away and she always come inside my room to ask me if I've eaten anything. I always end up telling her I ate just to get her off of my back. My stomach growls and I just ignore. My old boyfriend came back into my life and he's even concerned about me and told me in person, "You know if you don't eat, you die right! Your body shuts down!" I'm irritable, crying a lot, angry, moody, memory problems, I can't think straight and I'm always snapping at people. When I was with my old boyfriend he saw a picture of my old ID and in the picture you could tell I once gained a lot of weight and he remembers because he was with me. I handed it to him because we were about to go see a movie together and I wanted him to hold onto it. He held my hand and he was happy that I was back into my life again. We broke up because I was depressed and I told him I needed to work on myself. As he was looking at it I said out loud bluntly, "Yeah I know I was fat....." As he got out of the truck he came over to me and hugged me close to him and kissed me. I'm angry at my parents. They never listen to me, they shut me out, anytime I talk about my problems or want to talk they don't want to hear it and tell me to get over it already. They don't understand me. My younger brother gets most of the attention and so does my older brother. I feel completely alone and abandoned and I was abandoned at a young age by my real father and he molested me when I was little. There was even a point where I abused drugs to numb my pain and yet again my parents weren't there and had no clue what was going on. Even when I mentioned this to my mother she said to me "Oh stop it! You're just trying to make yourself look cool!" Oh yeah smoking pills off of tin foil, spending all your money from your paycheck and vomiting from opiate abuse is totally trying to make myself look cool! Is she out of her mind? Seriously? Really?! My parents seriously need to wake up or they're going to lose me. I'm already slipping away. First it was drug abuse and now I'm starting to have a eating problem because they used to tell me constantly at one point how I was fat. Now I'm thin and barely eating ever and now they're concerned? Wow. Something is seriously wrong with my parents. No wonder why I turned out the way I did. The only people that's truly keeping me together is my old boyfriend who is soon close to becoming my boyfriend soon, a few of my friends and people who pm me on Forums, but I never depend on them because you never know when they might disappear one day. I'm punishing myself because I'm angry, depressed, I feel alone and abandoned and I honestly don't think my parents care. People can tell me that they care, trust me they don't because if they did they would actually sit down and talk to me and care enough to listen to what I have to say. The minute I talk about my emotions I get ignored and get shushed! Both my parents think they're great, in all honesty though. They're not great at all.
  9. I broke up with my ex boyfriend at one time because my bipolar disorder was horrible for me. I wanted to work on myself, I felt horrible for all the things that I put him through. Now a lot has happened in my life and I believe sometimes it can be very overwhelming for him because I'm bipolar and due to certain situations happening in my life my depression has gotten worse. He came back in my life and loved hanging out with me. Once I told him I was moving and how I wanted to hang out with him as much as possible, he was fine with that. He gave me a lot of wonderful advice, made me feel stronger as a person inside by his advice and I had a lot of laughs with him. The depression sometimes comes through and I still find myself crying when I'm around him and I sometimes get upset at myself. My ex boyfriend has aspergers and he told me how sometimes he likes to be alone, enjoys his space and how sometimes he says he "runs away" meaning he just disappears. He told he did this with his last ex girlfriend, he got sad when he mentioned it to me, "I don't know why I like being alone sometimes. It's just how I am. :(" Since he came back into my life he was there for me during my Kidney Stone operation, he comforted me when I was crying thinking that everyone hated me because people abandoned me from things going on in my life and this depressed me even more. Made me feel as if everyone hated me and didn't want me around. The last time I saw him when I visited him because I moved two hours away, he was very caring, sweet, he told me that he missed me and was kissing me passionately. Then when it was my time to leave I cried because I also have abandonment issues. As I was about to get into the car I told him, "I feel like this is going to be the last time I'm ever going to see you again....." My anxiety was making me freak out and he told me, "You said that the last time, you know you'll see me again." He always comes to me and then pulls away. He's distant for a few days, he always ends up returning though. He did it before and he came back. It was 3 days tops if that and I would message him hoping to hear from him. He said very little or never responded. So now I'm trying to give him space. All I know is that he told me he loves me, he cares for me and when I was cuddling with him, he kissed my forehead twice and played with my hair. I felt very comfortable in his presence and I felt relaxed. I'll never control him or rapid message him because in my past I was super needy and would freak out if I didn't hear from him right away. I felt horrible inside.......I was so scared of him leaving me, of him abandoning me. This is still a problem, I manage to maintain it and try not to work myself up again. If I don't hear from him, I leave him alone and now I'm pretty much not messaging him because I'm worried that I might freak him out and have him run for the hills. I never was aware of this before hand and I told him in person how sorry I was for the way I acted in the past and how I'm trying to maintain my moods. Most of the time, I feel sadness or I'm perfectly calm. I get hypomania every so often and he witnesses it when I'm experiencing it and tells me to take a deep breathe and talk slowly so he can keep up. I believe in my hypomania stages I get super paranoid and my anxiety hits the roof and that's when all these negative thoughts come into my head. They go crazy, it's like one negative thing after another, to the point where I'm crying horribly. My brain is my own worst enemy. Now I'm deathly afraid that due to my last visit with him has scared him away. I was very emotional and my anxiety was all over the place. It's so bad I'm planning on talking to my doctor about it. I'm the only girl he's seeing right now and he told me he doesn't want to see anyone else. He won't put a label as me as his girlfriend though because his last girlfriend cheated on him with a guy she met on world of warcraft, left him and had a baby with this new guy. She cheated on him a bunch of times, until he got tired of it and left her. Right now I'm trying to maintain my cool and stay relaxed. He's very very loving towards me and than I notice him pulling away as if he's scared or something. I once pointed out to him, "I feel like you hate me or something when you pull away. Like you don't want me here or something." and he told me, "If I didn't want you here, I wouldn't keep inviting you stay at my house and have you stay in the guest bedroom." Everyone is telling me to move on and find something better, I truly love this man though, I'm just so confused. I'm reading about this disorder online and I'd want to ask him about it, I don't think it's good for me to ask though. It seems very touchy when I bring it up to him. My mother ended up finding out and told me, "He doesn't even look like he has it. He looks normal to me." This kinda irritated me once she said this because I'm bipolar and not many people think I have it either. I'll be patient with him, I told him I won't control him or tell him what to do, I'll be here for him no matter what. I just need to understand him. Can someone please help me understand this a little better. I'm aware of the symptoms and such, I just need to hear someone's thoughts. As I left him he kissed me and hugged me goodbye. He texted me on the way back. Anytime I mentioned my feelings to him though, I think it made me feel uncomfortable or something. Than I think back when he was very expressive with how he felt. He's doing the same thing he did the first time I left him when I went to go visit him. Why is he acting distant for a few days, not talking to me as much and then suddenly coming back to me. Anytime I visit him he does this and I'm picking up on it. Is he scared of getting hurt again? Is it his disorder? He told me he came back to me because he forgives me and wants me in his life again. I know him very very well and he's very picky when it comes to woman and told me I'm the only girl he's seeing. I believe we both can support one another. As of today my moods are "great" I just can't stop thinking about this and it's driving me crazy. I'm so confused.
  10. Back in December I precancer and not to long ago I got an Kidney Stone Infection. My health is horrible right now and I seriously feel as I'm going to be dead within the next year or two. I feel it in the pit of my stomach that death is calling for me and I'm really scared and lonely. Everyone keeps telling me to relax, that there's nothing to worry about and that I'm fine. Anytime I go to the doctors I always ask, How's my ****** pressure? How's my temperature? and everything comes back fine and I stare at the floor in confusion. They listen to my lungs and smile at me, "Your lungs are perfect. Your a health girl." I'm not paranoid or anything, I just think I'm depressed by what has happened to me and the fact that I'm away from my best friend who I'm in love with and he knows it. He told me he doesn't want a serious relationship or anything like that. Than yesterday I made plans to stay a few days with him and I'm staying in the guest bedroom. In the middle of the conversation I said to him, "I don't want anyone else. All I want is you. I've even told people who like me to buzz off." and he said, "I believe you and I don't want anyone else either. It's okay. Just please don't be sad." Now is that his way of telling me that were in a relationship with me? My mother looked at me and said, "Duh!" These thoughts keep coming and I'm so depressed but anytime I think of him I cry and feel guilty.
  11. I don't know what I do but I always end up scaring people away due to my sadness. It happens everywhere I go, online or in person. Anytime I get very low I tend to say very crazy things and I say things that I don't even mean, they just come out of my mouth. I rant on for hours about how much my life sucks, how much people has hurt me, how I'm so angry, how certain things annoy me, what makes me cry, how I feel as if people hate and how I hate people and the more I go on I always end up bringing up how I want to die and how I'm just a burden on people and people would be better off without me. Anytime I get depressed, I get so emotionally drained and I always end up taking a nap cause it took so much out of me. Than once I wake up and woken up, I take a shower, get something to eat and do something to keep myself busy so I can feel better. I noticed that each time I get depressed I pull people into the tornado with me and this isn't fair to them at all. My doctors diagnosed me with bi-polar disorder and sometimes I have a hard time seeing that I am. I know when it's sunny outside I'm in a better mood than when it's rainy outside. When I'm stressed out, I'm easily to get depressed. If someone was to break up with me, I've had times where I've broken down into turn moil. The first one happened when I was 19 years old and that break up was very hard on me. On top of it I know I have PTSD with abandonment issues to boot. When I'm depressed I sleep in bed and don't want to get up. My moods change out of the blue. Sometimes during the day I'm depressed and feel horrible, yet I still continue going on. Than there's other days where I'm feeling great and I'm actually very happy. I've always had moments where I had problems paying attention and I talk very fast and not many people can keep up with me. My mother told me so many times, "You like a light switch, I never know what mood you'll be in." Someone suggested borderline personality disorder and if that is possible, than I have that as well as bi-polar. My doctors strongly believe I have more a dependency issues with people more though. I always want to be around people, I hate being alone. There's times where I can be alone. Whenever I'm around people though, I feel happier. The more times I'm alone, I think a lot more and this scares me. My mind races so much for me sometimes and sad depressing things always comes to my head and sometimes it's so hard to try to shake those thoughts out. I'm always trying to get them out. When I'm angry now, I do warn people ahead of time and I tell them to give me space for awhile so I don't flip out at them. There's times though where I have flipped out, especially out of the blue. Anytime when I'm really happy though, also known for hypomania moments which has happened to me a lot. Than the crash happens right afterwards. Right before the crash happens, something triggers it and than I end up silently crying to myself. Not sure if this is normal or not. Just thought I'd get this out there and see if anyone else can relate with this.
  12. All my life I knew I liked girls, when I was eight years old I came very close to kissing my best friend. However I stopped myself cause I knew if I kissed her that her mother would probably be upset at me and that I'd lose such a wonderful friend. However I wanted to kiss her very badly. Seriously thought that something was wrong with me and I punished myself for having those feelings when I was younger. When I was little I played with a lot of girl toys, however I loved a lot of the boy toys too. I was a Tom boy when I was little and I loved being around boys growing up. They were so much fun to hang out, however I had a lot of girls as friends too. If I cried around my friends, they made me feel better or did anything to get me to laugh. When I got older I noticed how I still continued to like girls and I thought a lot about them. Than I starting thinking that I only liked girls and felt so confused. Than one day I was around one of my guy friends and I felt very attracted towards him. As of right now I still continue to think both sex's are attractive. So many people tell me to either be straight or a lesbian, however I can't help but feel attracted to both sex's. There's times where I feel like I wish I was a man, but I'll never get a sex change cause I'm happy with the sex that I am. I just feel like I'm a guy sometimes and it's so confusing for me. I'm really laid back, chill, funny, I help my friends out and give good advice. However there's times where I need help myself. Love making people laugh, doing funny things, playing video games and I love hanging out with guys as friends. I do cause I feel like I fit in with them. I've dated many men in my past and when I did they made me feel like a beautiful woman, however I have this fun loving personality and I feel like it might not attract some men due to the fact I'm a tom boy. There's times where I like wearing dresses and dressing up and putting on make-up and than there's other times where I love wearing comfy clothing and not even putting any make-up on. Just a normal t-shirt and jeans and just relax, watch a movie or anime and laugh. Someone told me it's possible you may have a personality disorder but I don't think so. I've been like this ever since I was little. For as long as I can remember my personality has always been like this, it has never changed at all. My mother even notices my clothing choices and says to me, "That's boyish clothing. Pick out something more nicer." or she says "That color is too dark on you, wear something else." i'm completely comfortable with my sexuality and how I dress. I hate when people try to change me and tell me what to wear. I'm an adult after all. Not sure what my sexuality is as of right now and I'm honestly not worried about it anymore. I just know I'm attracted to both sexes and how I'm tom boyish. I've dated a woman before, however it didn't work out due to the fact she wasn't over her ex girlfriend yet so we broke up. I honestly didn't think it was fair to me to be honest. I deserve someone who loves me and isn't going to use me as a rebound. I never spoke of this until now and I know nobody is going to judge me here based on my sexuality. At least I hope not. Thank you for listening to me and feel free to post a response if you relate to this in any way. I don't want to change my name, however I'd love to add a 2nd name along with my first name. My middle name would still be included, I just want to add a name that can be used as both sexes. I think I'll feel happier and complete once this is done. Don't plan on ever changing my sex ever cause I do love being a woman. I would like a 2nd name though attached with my first name. Just now sure what it'll be yet. Again thank you for listening.
  13. About 2 years ago my ex boyfriend said he thought I had BPD but he was very abusive towards me. I'm not sure if he said this to try to hurt me or what, but it kinda stuck with me. When I was dignosed for Bi-polar they didn't do any tests but I went to the hospital my first time cause one of my boyfriend's broke up with me. I completely fell apart and went in there for 3 or 4 days. I was 19 at the time and at the time I remember i was depressed, my stomach ached so badly cause i was worrying so much. My stomach hurt so badly from me constantly worrying and I couldn't get to sleep cause I had a feeling like my ex boyfriend was cheating on me. When he broke up with me, I just wanted to end my life....I had no reason for living anymore. Since than I've been through break-up's and I never ended up back in the hospital again but I do get depressed when someone leaves me. When I was younger I was sexually abused by my father and I was 8 years old. I suffer with PTSD and it still continues to haunt me sometimes but my therapist tries to make me to work past it but I don't feel like I'm over my past again. It's like I'm constantly re-living events in my life over and over again. Always thinking about my father abusing me, being bullied in High School, how people were so cruel to me, saying mean things to me and I feel so depressed and lonely. All I want is friends close where I live but I have no friends cause I'm afraid they won't want to deal with someone like me. I have too many problems, I'm constantly crying and feeling sorry for myself all the time. When I was in my 20's, I did have a lot of momets where I felt extremly confident, happy and I actually loved being myself and everyone saw me as having it together. I felt like I had no problems or worries, I felt like I was high on life. Than I would crash later on and I felt extremely depressed and wondered what in the world happened to that happy girl I was awhile ago. Around this time I made friends with someone at my work place and I had a credit card and I spent a lot of money on things, we went on vacation to the keys, I drank but overtime I knew it was too much and I told my friend at the time that I had to cool down cause I don't want to become an alocholic so I stopped drinking which I think was good. He however continued to drink and it caused a problem for us, we were living together and would want to get drunk and want me to talk to him about his problems every single night and if I went to bed... he got angry. He was indeed an alcoholic but now he's fine and doesn't drink as much anymore which I think is good. One year later I dated someone and he abused me emotionally and verbally and it truamatized me. However there were times I would freak out if he wouldn't answer my texts, I cut myself once cause he promised he would come over to see me and it was taking too long for him to come over and I told him I was going to get a ride to another town that's close to our city and go get drugs, I was yelling at him on the phone and I was completely losing it. Whenever this happened I felt horrible about it, I didn't understand why I was acting so crazy. Than I sobbed and I felt like I was just like how my father was and thought I was an abuser but I wasn't calling him names or trying to bring him down. I simply wanted to leave work and for him to get me and if he didn't come get me I would freak out. Not sure why I wanted to leave work so badly, but at the time he was so distance towards me and he played guitar a lot which is fine, but I felt as if he didn't love me or something. He was so emotionally distant and I wanted love from him. My ex boyfriend continued this for a whole year causing me to fight with him a lot and I thought I was losing my mind. Than he told me that I had BPD but he was so emotionally distant and didn't even act like he loved me at all. As time went on things got worse and he only seemed close to me when we made love. We made love and than two days later he broke up with me and told me that I was bringing him down and everything was my fault. Than a year later passed by and he told me he was possessed by a demon... I can't believe I fell for this and told me he wanted another chance, I gave him another chance but he ended up emotionally and verbally abusing me. Everything was much worse, I thought the first year was bad, but now this 2nd time I went back to him was even much worse. I got angry at him and told him how I rode my bike home in the pouring down rain when he broke up with me and he couldn't even offer me a ride home. He apologized and cried for forgivness. I forgave him but things gradually got worse, I won't go into further detail though cause it's quite triggering. He said a lot of mean things to me and told me how I tell everyone my life problems but I feel as if I do that cause i just want someone to listen to me, I want someone who cares. We ended up breaking up however and I got rid of him thankfully and I still suffer from the abuse he caused me. Recently I just got out of another abusive relationship and that too still lingers on my mind..... I often think about suicide a lot but I never go through with it, I don't go on shopping spree's anymore and I used to abuse drugs but I stopped. Thankfully which I didn't do is sleep around with random people, I've read about BPD and this is one thing I don't do. I want to be in a serious relationship and I want someone to love me and appreciate me before I do anything like that. I don't think I could ever sleep around with random people, I respect myself too much. I know I do get angry sometimes, mostly at my family cause I feel as if they don't truly understand or support me eough. However when it comes to friends, I don't fight with them at all. I only fight with people when I'm hurt or if I feel like I'm being ignored or they don't care about me. In relationship's I try to avoid fights as much as possible but I do get worried sometimes that they'll abandon me or that they'll try to abuse me cause I'm so paranoid from being abused before. I posted this up here cause I see a lot of similarities in bi-polar which I was dignosed with. One of my relationships I was in, I only yelled at him one time when he didn't answer his phone.....I don't know why I freaked out on him but like again I only do this when I feel like they're leaving me or it could be cause of the abuse I've been through. My ex boyfriend would constantly ignore my phone calls a lot. He would go through times where he would disappear and wouldn't answer his phone when I called and than he would come back to me and say how sorry he was and end up blaming me saying he was angry at me for being friends with other guys. He ignored me for weeks cause of this, he wouldn't call me or anything and I e-mailed him and he told me everything would be fine if I stopped talking to other guys as friends or didn't hang out with other guys and I'm a very friendly person. So now anytime I call someone and they don't pick up they're phone I like go through so much anxiety, depression and feel like they'll end up ignoring me like my ex boyfriend. I'm not sure what I have is considered borderline or if it's PTSD or what, but I'll say one thing I do have abandonment issues but I haven't talked it over with my therapist yet. Just recently the same thing happened, my most recent ex boyfriend I dated which ended up being my 2nd abuser didn't answer his phone and I told him I wanted to end my life...and I feel like it's possible I might have some BPD symptoms. I hate how I always freak out, I just want this to stop and quit worrying about if a person doesn't answer they're phone that I shouldn't be so quickly to jump to conclusions. Sorry for this long post, but I had to get this out. Thank you.
  14. The last thing I ate today was a blueberry muffin and a banana.
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