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Everything posted by Kyle

  1. I've had what my therapist had called a "lower grade" depression for years now, but have only been on meds for it maybe around 4-5 years and have found its helped somewhat. One thing though that meds haven't been able and probably can't fix is my self esteem and self confidence. Its a subject I've struggled with even after 6 years of therapy, its always been unstable since I was a kid (now 34). There have been periods of my life where my self-esteem has been great. Through the roof and I've felt like I was on top of the world. Other times its been low and I feel worthless and unworthy, but it always seems to bounce back and settle somewhere in the middle with mild fluctuations over time. Lately though I've been really struggling. Through therapy, medication and other activities in my life my depression is relatively low but for some reason my self confidence/self esteem has been at maybe an all time low the past year. Maybe its because of the lock down with the pandemic and its effects on isolation but it doesn't add up. I still have my social groups that I go to once a week and talk to people there but its hard to find the will or energy to want to date again or hang out with people I dont already know super well (which is very few people) I've been feeling pretty worthless lately. I feel ugly, unappealing, unaccomplished, unmotivated and shy and difficult to find the energy to want to talk to people. I've also gained 20lbs since the pandemic started and that really hasn't helped matters. And for as physically active as I am its made that physical activity more difficult. I get this fear that boils up whenever I go out in public these days that I'm not good enough, and that people dont think im worth it. Whether its because of my appearance, or because I dont drive a BMW or because I dont live in the cool part of town or whatever other reason it might be. Some times I when I'm these days out i'll see couples and I get a sinking feeling that its a future i'll never have because people can see how pathetic i've become. I dont get how my depression could be at lower level than it used to be but my esteem and confidence are stuck at a low. It doesn't add up. Is this something anyone's experienced before? How can I get my confidence and esteem back? I just want to feel good about myself again.
  2. I liked myself when I was younger and that was despite some heavy bullying. I felt like I liked myself up until the past 10 years. Now I struggle with it and have a lot of ups and downs. I guess when I liked myself I felt more care-free and secure and stable with my life in general. I would have this feeling like I could do anything I wanted and at the same time I was content with what I was doing and how my life was going. I wasn't wondering if all the bad or less than ideal things in my life were because I somehow wasn't adequate enough which is what I do a lot of these days. Often times its a total mystery to me why I go through periods of liking myself more, but in a broad sense there's a feeling that things are going my way for a period of time and it reinforces my self esteem. I hope that wasn't too vague to be helpful.
  3. Would it be better then if I were to remind supportive and listen or should I also try to push her to make life changes? For example yesterday I was at her house after work, and while I didn't push her, when I asked if she wanted to go make a professional email address she said no "I don't want to be an adult". It would have taken no more than 5 minutes but she didn't want to do it. Not knowing how far I should push it I dropped pretty quick. She didn't get upset about it and everything was normal, but I of all things to take a step forward making an email address is just about the easiest.
  4. I guess its obvious there's no real way to prevent it without meds and even that can only do so much. Since the day after I made this thread she's been back to her old self again i'm just wondering how long till the next time it comes up again. Does chemical imbalance ever go away as you get older or is it something you have for life? She's mentioned not wanting to live her whole life with this problem, at the moment she's fine but i'm worried years down the road whether we're together or not that she won't be able to take it anymore. On top of the chemical imbalance I think I also mentioned she has situational depression. Her whole life she was a straight A student used to always knowing what to do because in school you have a daily schedule you follow that tells you what to do and where to be and when. Now that she's recently graduated she's realized that the real world doesn't really care about grades and there isnt' a set plan she's feeling lost and doesn't really know what she wants to do. She's even had to move back with her parents and now she feels worthless and inadequate. On top of that her parents treat her like she's 12 even though she's 22, and recently gave her a 9 pm curfew on weekends and weekdays. Even though they're trying to help I feel like its just making it worse by not treating her like an adult. I want to help but i'm not sure how I can do it?
  5. How does depression due to a chemical imbalance work? Does it come out of no where one day or does something have to trigger it like having a bad day or can a specific thing trigger an 'episode'? I guess I could ask her these questions but at the moment she doesn't seem to feel like talking much. Really i'm just trying to understand how it works. I've had depression myself and like I said my mom and brother have it pretty bad. But the three of us was and is all entirely situational. From what I know if you have a chemical imbalance its almost like you're upset but for no specific reason.
  6. After 5 years of being single met and started a relationship with a girl about 3 months ago. I really think she's great in every way and we have a lot of similar interests and I think our personalities match really well. The only issue is that she suffers from pretty bad depression which come and go in seemingly short waves. Shortly after we started seeing each other reguarly is when she told me she struggles with depression. Having a mom and brother that have it pretty bad I knew what I could expect and was okay with it because I really really like this girl. It was then about a month and a half into the relationship when she was the first to say she loved me. I felt the same but wasn't quite ready to say it and I told her such which she understood. About two weeks after that I said it, and I mean it when I say it. I didn't think I could love someone so quickly but I do. Over these past 3 months she's had several waves of depression but about a month ago started taking meds which seemed to have been helping. There was a couple times where it seemed one thing in her life didn't go well that day and it set her off but it was usually ok by the end of the day. However ever since Monday morning she's been having a real hard time, and I'm not sure whats happened other than switching to a new medication on Friday. At first she ignored me the whole day and then finally told me she needed to be alone and needed space, so I gave it to her. About an hour after that she called but didn't talk long and soon said goodnight. The next day (today) she talked a little on the phone during the day but I didn't hear from her for a while until about 9:30 tonight where again it was just for about 20 minutes and then she said she was tired and wanted to go to bed. I want to help her but she isn't letting me and I'm not sure what to do. I care about her deeply and want her to be better, but my question is can she get better? Her psychiatrist said that she has a chemical imbalance plus situational depression (she recently graduated college and is really upset about not having a full time job right away). She also has really strict parents and despite being 22 they still treat her like she's 12 with curfews and having to check in all the time when she's out. Which I can't imagine is helping the way she feels any. She told me sometimes that she doesn't see the point of living if she's going to feel like this forever. Is there anything I can do to help her, how can I handle this situation? I feel like ive been thrown into a gun fight and all I have are sticks and I have no idea where to begin.
  7. I've never been officially diagnosed, but I talked to a therapist about 2 years ago and she said from everything I told her about how I feel it sounded like I have depression. Going off that I've probably been fighting depression since I was 23 starting with being fired from my job, girl friend moving away then breaking up with me, and realizing I had no friends other than her, plus other events. I'm 26 now. For the most part I feel like I can suppress it, but i've noticed more and more when smaller and smaller things go wrong my negative feelings get magnified.
  8. You're not off base. I don't know if its so much I'm worried that I won't have the life I think i'm supposed to have, its more I can't seem to get the life I want. I have this picture in my head of what I'd like my life to be like and all of these things are either happening very slowly or don't seem to be happening at all. Really I desperatly want an adult relationship. There's still so many things I feel like I haven't done. I think i've slept in a bed with a girl maybe 10 times most of that being with a GF, I don't know what its like to come home to someone waiting for me, I don't now what it's like to have someone cook for me or vise versa, to celebrate a holiday with just a GF, to have a night out at bars with a GF just the two of us, to go grocery shopping together, to go on a long trip, go camping with a GF, to sit and watch TV and do nothing all day. I don't even know what its like to go out with a bunch of friends and your GF. I feel like my experiences with relationships is stuck at 19 years old. (I was 21-23 when I had my last GF. She was 18 and still lived at home). It's not so much that i'm worried about being alone or it not being socially acceptable to be single at 30, I feel like i'm missing out. No offense to anyone, but I see your 20's as this time when you're in generally great shape, have lots of energy, you can be selfish, no kids (for the most part), you can be a little wreckless, go wherever you want whenever you feel like it, move across country with little to think about such as a family with kids, you can experiment (not to imply drugs and sex), everything is supposed to be great in your 20's and i've experienced most of it by myself. I have no one to share it with. There's a lot of things I like doing, but for the most part I do them alone which isn't really all that fun. I want someone to share these experiences with. Its one thing to do them with a friend, but to do them with someone you're in a relationship with brings about a deeper connection and enjoyment to things. There's this constant feeling I get like i'm always missing out on something. Like there's some super awesome party every twenty something knows about, except me. So I'm worried I'll be 30 and everyone around me will start settling down just as I'm getting ready to go and experience things, assuming I have a GF. It's like I'm getting left behind...I swear I'm having a Quarter-Life Crisis.
  9. Thats a good question. For the past few years i've grown more and more lonely to the point where I'll see a couple together when i'm out in public and I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. This is the first girl thats come along in a long long time that seems to actually like me and want to be around me, so in a way I do worry that I'm interested only because she is. But we also share a lot of the same interests and have had a few good conversations. I'm trying to remain positive throughout my life, but its very hard when you feel constantly rejected or like you're always swimming upstream with one arm. I've also started wondering if i've somehow developed some form of social anxiety. And to go back to the superficial bit. I'm mostly really critical of myself. Ever since I was a kid i've put a lot of focus on my hair for I don't know what reason, but i've just always payed a lot of attention to it and for the past year or so I've started to notice hair loss. My hairline isn't where it used to be and while not noticable its not as thick as it once was so now I have this constant image problem where I feel I look terrible because I don't have my thick head of hair anymore. So when I say superficial its that sort of stuff that causes a bit of anxiety. Like I said, it makes me feel stupid. Just took a look at the front page of this site. I swear its describing me. Thanks!
  10. This girl isn't actually my gf, but in the past 4 years she's the only one that hasn't ditched me for one reason or another after the first date. And thats the thing, I can't decide how attracted I am to this girl. Most times yes, its really confusing. I've never had this problem but I think i'm giving myself this problem because of what I said before. I'm afraid i'll end up with this girl for the next 3-4 years and then find myself at 30 and decide to marry her for fear of being alone. The worst is that I recognize this as a ridiculous thought but I can't stop myself. Not really, sometimes though. It's mostly other peoples lives. Like this one guy I know, same age as me except he's bald and kinda goofy looking but he has this personality where he can talk about anything to anyone for hours and remain entertaining. It seems like girls love him because of it, and from what I can tell he has no problem making friends. This is almost the opposite of me, and I can't seem to get anyone to want to talk to me for more than 5 minutes then after that its like they never want to see me again. I don't remember if I said it in the first post but i'm a pretty lonely guy and I can't seem to figure out how to make friends or get relationships in the adult world and when I see other people do it with such ease I feel even worse about myself. This compounded with other things in my life contributing to depression it feels like there's no hope. I'm destined to be the old guy that lives in the haunted house by himself and never goes out.
  11. I don't even really know if this is something to talk about here but I really don't know where else to put it, and its something thats been weighing on me for a couple months now. The past couple years I've found myself becoming more and more vain and I feel terribly shallow because of it. I feel like I'm a terrible person because of it. This is going to sound stupid, but I went to an art school for college. It was there I learned to pay attention to how things look. Everything in my world was starting to be scrutinized simply based on their appearance, although it didn't really become noticeable to me until probably my senior year it probably started when I was a sophomore. This wasn't even a conscious effort, my brain had just been trained to work this way. Now that I'm finished with art school I'm finding its effecting parts of my life that involve relationships with people around me. I don't think anyone knows how I can look at things, but sometimes I don't like the thoughts in my head. I suppose I have some form of depression that usually takes form after something goes wrong and it'll effect me for a couple days where I just feel like everything is totally hopeless. Amongst many other reasons one big thing that effects me is how lonely I am. I can't seem to connect with people anymore and its been almost 4 years since my last girlfriend. And now just as other things in my life are starting to turn around, such as a real full-time job doing what I went to school for, i've met a girl thats pretty cool. Finally someone I can kind of connect with. The only problem is that I think i'm trying to subconsciously sabotage the relationship because she doesn't look the way I pictured my girlfriend looking. I keep worrying myself that this is who my wife will be (i'm 26 and have a small fear i'll die alone which I know isn't something I should worry about). Which I see as a totally juvenile and stupid thing to do and I hate myself for judging this poor girl in such a way. Why am I doing this to myself, what is wrong with me? In a related note I've noticed myself becoming envious of people, which in turn makes me feel bad about my own life. Like I'm some sort of social delinquent which is also disturbing to me. I don't know why I do it, its not like I sit around all day and at the snap of a finger decide I'm going to start becoming envious and superficial. I'm finding its happening naturally.
  12. I guess I at least have a couple of close friends, its just more and more I find myself wanting someone thats more than a friend. You could say romantic relationships aren't a necessity in the way that water, clothes, and shelter are. However I do feel they're a necessity for ones own mental health. All I can think is that getting a relationship is the 1 thing that could really change my mood around. When things were going well with that girl a month ago, every time I talked with her I could feel my mood just increase more and more. And then as I've come to expect it all ended and I was let down. Really what was almost insulting about it is that she said I was attractive, kind, unique, and that everyone knows it and that any girl would be lucky to be with me. Well I can't help but think WHY NOT YOU THEN!? If I'm as awesome as you say I am why won't you let us go further, why aren't other girls giving me more attention. Its gotten to the point where I can't help but think something must be wrong with me. Its also stupid to think this but I keep feeling like I'm going to be alone til my late 20's. Then I'm going to get desperate, panic and marry the next girl that crosses my path whether its the right thing to do or not. All because I'm afraid of getting old and living most of my life without a companion.
  13. First I want to say that I feel like I'm weak or something just for complaining about this when I know there are people out there with much more serious problems and forms of depression. But this is also only a part of the reason I've become depressed. Ever since Spring of this year I've slowly grown more and more depressed. Part of the reason is because I have a severely depressed alcoholic mother, and have had to put my life on hold to take care of my youngest brother who happens to be severely disabled. He got meningitis at 3 weeks old and it gave him Cerebral Palsy. Basically he's 19 but has the abilities of a 1 year old minus having sight. He's a vegetable. So since August I've had to take care of him while my mom goes to a training program so she can try to get a job and get her life back on track. The other part (of many) thats been a source of my depression is that I am extremely lonely, and have been for the past year. I'm 24 and ever since High School when I started caring about relationships, I've always had trouble. I was never a popular kid in school and the majority of girls didn't want anything to do with me, this on top of a lot of other things led me to hating every moment of high school. I somehow managed 1 girlfriend that only lasted 3 months and it wasn't even that good of a relationship. After high school I moved out of my dads house into my moms in a different city where I didn't know a single person. It was here that I went to community college, and like everyone at community college, I didn't make friends. So for two years I had no friends and nothing even close to a girlfriend. Then in 2007 I got accepted into my #1 pick for college and even though it was bit expensive my family managed to make it work. A few months into school I managed to get a girlfriend where I worked at, and we became really close. We fell in love with each other, and even talked lightly about marriage down the road after school. However it only lasted 2 years ending when she had to move away to go to school. Then shortly after moving she wanted to call it off and then a few weeks after that she was with someone else (which from the way she still talks to me, she doesn't care about him the same as me). All of this crushed my heart. I felt like my best friend and teammate betrayed me. The next year after, 2009, I tried to concentrate on school and keep my mind busy. Then during my Senior year I tried to put myself out there more, surround myself with people even if it was uncomfortable at first in an attempt to meet a girl or make some sort of friend (3 years into college and I never really had any friends. My girlfriend til then had been my girlfriend and best friend all in one). Ever since my senior year started I've had a 100% rejection/failure rate with girls and as time goes on I get more and more lonely. It's become a part of the reason I'm so sad and depressed lately, but its the one reason I focus on the most. Every waking moment is filled with how lonely I feel. I guess its because I feel its the one I can change. The first girl told me the day after I met her that she really liked me and thought I was cute and all that, but then as I tried to build some sort of relationship with her she became more and more flakey. Eventually she stood me up one night. The next girl again told me she liked me but when I tried returning the feelings she ended up ignoring me. Another thought I was being needy and desperate because I sent her two next messages in 1 week. Then another girl I met I clicked with really well, then she came out and said she had a crush on me. Too bad she lived on the other side of the country. The next one lasted about a week, and the very last thing she ever said to me was "I really like you I want this to continue". After that she stopped talking to me without reason. After that I pretty much gave up and just wanted to graduate and get a job. Well the job part didn't work out so I had to move back home with my dad. It was here, back in October that I met an amazing girl. Never before had I had a conversation with someone I just met go so well, everything about talking to her just flowed so well. A week later I took her out on a date which led to her inviting me to a party later that night. We hung out a few more times after that and it got to the point where she was always asking me to come visit her at work and keep her company. We were talking almost every day and doing something every few days. Eventually one night after after eating at a restaurant she came back to my house and went straight for my bed. It wasn't anything sexual, which was fine with me, but she then asked me to lay in the bed with her. After playing with her hair and holding her had a bit I tried to kiss her, but was oddly rejected. It didn't have a negative vibe though. Later that night as I was taking her home she said "I hope you don't think I'm a b***h, its just a lot of guys have tried to take advantage of me when I drink". Then a few days later she told me she really likes me but she can't be my girlfriend because she's still in love with her ex. Which she broke up with him two years ago, he doesn't like her, and he lives out of state. She said she hates that she feels that way but she doesn't want to hurt me in the future. No matter how hard I try or how close I get to obtaining something that will make me happy I'm shut down. Its gotten to the point where I've become an angry person. I've developed trust issues with women since all they do is let me down. Its become all I can expect from girls, nothing but disappointment. I'm horrible at being single. I hate that this happens but I find myself becoming bitter, almost as if I want everyone in a relationship to feel as lonely as I do even if its just for one day. And I've become extremely sad any time I'm by myself, even seeing other people in relationships, talking about them, or fake ones I see on TV or movies. They all give me a pain in my gut and my heart hurts for a moment. Since my girlfriend broke up with me two years ago I've just felt more and more defeated. No matter how hard I try to change things I'm thrown back in the hole again. I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I'm sorry this got so long and that I probably sound like I'm just being a baby. But this has really hurt me and on top of everything else I'm dealing with I just can't take it. There are days where all I want to do is cry. The only upside is that I've managed to see a therapist and after a few sessions she recommended that I try Partial Hospitalization at an outpatient clinic.
  14. I voted No. I don't hate myself, I just hate what my life has become and what my future looks like. No matter how hard I try there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. There's this constant feeling that I'm wasting my life away in my current situation.
  15. I've tried talking about how I feel, and I get mixed responses at least from my mom. My parents both understand and feel that I need to have my own life and live on my own and be my own person, so they've said they feel guilty for what I'm having to do. I'm just really afraid to talk to my mom about more specific feelings. She has a tendency to turn everything around into being my dads fault 98% of the time. Somehow everything relates back to how much she hates my dad, and how much everything is his fault.Sometimes it seems like just being around my mom and her attitude are part of whats making me feel depressed. She's always so negative and bitter about everything these days. Its like I haven't seen my 'real' mom since I was 10, and I'm 24 now! But if I bring up any of these feelings about her she gets really upset, tells me to go live with my dad, no one loves her, etc. Its like I just have to bite my lip the whole time and it just builds up.
  16. I honestly don't even know if I'm depressed, yet. A lot of times I feel depressed but then there are times when I feel fine. Are there any ways to try to avoid it, or is it something thats just going to happen and unless something drastic happens there's not much I can do? I ask because thats what i've observed from my mom. The only thing that will make her happy is if she were married and/or living back near her family and friends.
  17. I don't know if anyone will remember me, but a few years ago I had made a few threads asking for advice on my mother. To try to keep my situation description to a short minimum. Parents got divorced when I was in 6th grade (I'm 24 now). Mom has been very bitter about it and basically wants my dad to be miserable while she goes off and gets married and lives happily ever after. However when I was in high school the opposite happened, my dad is now happily married while my mom is alone and miserable. I also have two younger brothers, one is 22 and in the military. The other is 18 and severely disabled (can't walk, talk, see very well, and has the mental capability of a 1 year old). My mom has also been stuck in a house thats falling apart more and more every month for the past 8 years and has been without a job for a full year now, which means she hasn't had health insurance for that long either. The scary part is that she has blood pressure and anxiety problems. And has even fainted a couple times, even once giving herself a concussion but was unable to do anything about it because she didn't have the money to see a doctor. She is now at risk of falling into foreclosure on the house. Her only friends are 1000 miles away, and this house and her car have become a giant money pit. Because of all of this my mom is severely depressed, and for the past 8 years has been an alcoholic. Even threatened suicide a few times during especially bad outbursts. The only sliver of hope she has is that she was recently accepted into a 4 month program where she can get a kidney dialysis license which means she will be qualified to work anywhere in the country. Meaning she's hoping this is her ticket out of this house and town she's stuck in. NOW, on to me (sorry if that was too long). In 2007 I got accepted into my number 1 school, which I was really happy and excited about. For the past 4 years I worked extremely hard (12 hours a day), and gave up anything resembling a social life while I was in school. Anyways, this past May I graduated. Given the economy I wasn't expecting a job all that soon, and 3 months later I still don't have one. No offers or anything despite all my best attempts. So like many these days I moved back to live with my dad, not my mom. I chose my dad for a few reasons. 1 being that after 4 years of not really having friends I wanted to go back and live in the town (mom and dad live in sperate towns 2 hours apart) where I have all my friends. I felt it was time I had a social life, Im 24, full of energy, and I don't want to spend it sitting around the house. The second reason is that my dad has a computer that allows me to continue work on my portfolio. My mom doesn't. For the first two months it was fine. I was at my dads most of the time enjoying being with my friends. But then at the end of July my mom got into this dyalisis program which is awesome and I'm super happy for her. However because my disabled brother lives with my mom and goes to school there and because my mom goes to her own school from 6am to 4pm I have to be there to get my brother up and on the bus in the morning, as well as be there for him when he gets home. This means I have to be at my moms house at least 5 days a week because of my brother. And while I'm glad to help, its making me depressed. For the past month I haven't seen my friends, and literally sit in the house all day with nothing to do, talking to no one. I can't even go anywhere because I have no car and no money. I feel trapped and it doesn't seem like I'm going to be able to escape anytime soon. I'm 24 but I live like a 60 year old hermit. I'm not even someone that gets depressed and I handle stress very well. But lately its been getting to me. Sometimes during the day I feel like crying because it all feels so hopeless, and other times I just feel angry at my mom and brother as if its their fault. And for the past month I haven't been able to get to sleep before 4am, I just lay there and no matter how hard I try my mind goes nuts. After 4 years of staring at computer screens I was thinking my life would get better, even without a job after I graduated, but it seems like its just gotten worse. I have been hating my life for the past month, because I don't have one and I'm not sure what to do or how to escape this situation. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I know it was a bit long and I tend to ramble.
  18. Do these agencies and professionals cost money? Because she hasn't had a real full time job in about a year she has no health insurance which means she can't afford to see doctors or refill an prescription for he depression medicine. You can provide me with any information here in the thread. She didnt quit her last job, but it was only contract work and the contract wasn't renewed in August so I don't know if that makes a difference. The last time she had a full time job she quit that as well. I don't know for sure, but I think she has diagnosed depression. I know back when she did have health insurance she would go to the doctor all the time but said that even though they had her try every medicine under the sun nothing really worked for her. I think at one point she was using experimental depression medicine to see if that would help.I have the feeling it isn't entirely a chemical imbalance thats effecting my mom, I have a feeling 90% of it is the situation she's in at the moment.
  19. When you say owning a house do you mean having it completely paid for? Or just living in it? My mom is far from having it paid off and she still says she's never missed a mortgage payment in her life but I'm not sure about that. Is there any way I can call the department of health in her area and see if they can help her first? I get the feeling she won't want to call them on her own. Oh and we both live in Florida.
  20. (if you want the gist of this post you can skip ahead to the last two paragraphs, sorry it got so long) To give a "quick" summary of the situation in hopes of making things a little more clear, I'm 22 years old living on my own and making my way through a very expensive school. I have two younger brothers, one in Afghanistan and the other is a severely disabled 16 year old kid (had cerebral palsy and meningitis at three weeks). When I was in 7th grade my parents got a divorce and ever since my mom has been on this steady downward spiral into severe depression. Since the divorce she's had two boyfriends neither of which I liked very much at all and when they did break up with her, both times she had severe emotional breakdowns (one time after the second one broke up with her she went missing for a day and a half not telling anyone she was at a friends house). Eventually a few years ago in 2005 one night she randomly told me she was an alcoholic and had been for the past three years. Despite me trying to help her and making one attempt at going to meetings I'm not entirely sure she's completely cured herself. She would never drink in front of me or my brothers but I could start to tell when she was drunk. If she still does drink I'm not sure its as much as she use to. My middle brother, the one in Afghanistan doesn't like my mom very much and hates every moment he has to talk to her which leads him to call her names and tell her to "shut the hell up". He didn't even want her to take him to the airport the day before leaving overseas which killed her. Whenever he comes back from missions he never calls her either unless I keep reminding him. I honestly don't like my brother very much at all for this reason and have as little contact with him as possible. Around 2004 I think my dad eventually got remarried, which really bothered my mom, she doesn't like to say it but ever since the divorce its been like a competition in which my mom is the only competitor to see who can get married first. Obviously my mom is loosing this "game" since she's not married. My uncle (her brother) even told her its not a race to see who can get married first and she shouldn't worry about what my dad is doing. But anyways, I feel like I'm starting to ramble so I'll cut this "quick" summary short. For the past few years she's been jumping around jobs either in search of better pay or she doesn't get along with her bosses. Combine this with numerous bad decisions on her part and you get a mother with very little money, no job, no health insurance to help her with this depression, a house thats slowly falling apart, and no one there to take care of her. I'm really really worried about my mom, but I have no idea what I can do anymore. I fear she's in this hole of depression and there's no hope of her ever getting out. I feel like the only way to make her happy is if my dad got divorced and fell into a depression himself while she got a job, a husband and a new house. None of these things I can give her. Last year when I went home for Christmas the house was a mess. In my 22 years of knowing her I've never seen anywhere she's lived as messy as it was. Despite my 12 hour bus ride and two hour car ride home I spent the next 4 hours after getting home cleaning the kitchen alone. And from what I can tell from talking with her on the phone the house is even worse this year. A rat got in through an open window a month ago and she's been terrified of it ever since even though she hasn't actually seen it, and she told me theres rat droppings in my closet and some other type of rotted food or some sort of goo in the pantry, both of which she said she's been afraid to clean up because it all grosses her out too much to touch it. It may sound mean but I find it to be a lame excuse to live in what I'm assuming is a filthy house, the whole idea of cleaning is so you're not grossed out anymore. Even when I do come home and clean the house I feel like she doesn't care enough to keep it cleaned after I leave. Its like its gotten to the point where she doesn't' even want to help herself and just wants everyone to feel sorry for her. Last week she had a job interview for a position at the school my disabled brother goes to, unfortunately she didn't get the job and said that was the first time she didn't get a job for a position she applied for but that she's going to try for another one at the end of the week. Its really starting to worry me that she's running out of money and that she's going to end up living on the streets. This is a serious fear I have, in 2006 she bought my brother a used Cadillac that he didn't even want. Everyone told her not to buy it, but she thought if she did buy him this car it would get him to like her...it didn't. So for the next two years we had this car sitting at the house not being used since my brother ended up moving in with my dad since he couldn't stand living with her anymore, literally every 30 minutes they would fight about something stupid for hours. Then a couple months ago when I didn't have the funds to pay rent, she paid for it when I doubt she had the money. My uncles been having to help her out as well giving her temporary hourly work for the company he works for. Then last year both her car and the Cadillac broke at the same time with a total repair bill between the two being somewhere around $3,000, again more money she doesn't have. Oh and another one, a couple years ago she spilled an entire can of wall paint on the carpet, but since we don't have the money to replace it we have this giant paint stain in the hallway which makes the house that less attractive to potential buyers (shes been wanting to sell the house). And last month the AC completely broke down which cost her a good amount to fix. No matter how hard any of us tries things just seem to go wrong in every way possible with her. She doesn't have a job, she doesn't have money and she's stuck with a house that's falling apart that she doesn't even like. She was talked into buying it by her last boyfriend who had plans of moving in (plans of which she didn't know about). Esentially she bought the house he wanted, not the one she wanted. I really don't know what to do anymore, every time I talk to her its the most depressing thing in the world. She never has any good news and only talks about how much she hates my dads wife, how little money she has, and how messy the house is and how much she thinks everyone hates her. She told me just a few hours ago on the phone that the only reason she's living is because of me and my brothers. This really worries me that she's at least thought about suicide. In the past she has threatened it in front of me and my brother but I dont' know how serious those threats were. She would make the occasional comment about how if she were to die right now no one would miss her because no one loves her. And another time because I didn't have a 75 cent drill bit to help her hang some curtains she put a sword to her throat and said she should just off herself right now because we wouldn't even care. There's got to be something I can do for her, something out there that can help her. Is there any sort of non-prescription medicine out there that helps with depression? I once read about St Johns Wort and how its suppose to be a natural remedy for depression that can be found at any vitamin store but she said that hasn't really been helping her. I also find it impossible to believe that there is no government aid out there for an unemployed single mother living on her own with a severely disabled child and no health insurance. There has to be some sort of monthly government or charitable aid for her. I'm getting at my wits end, I find myself increasingly impatient with her seemingly infinite lack of desire to help herself. Is there any help at all I can get her?
  21. I know one thing I'm afraid of is not making friends. I'm not the type of person that can keep myself happy for very long without some interaction with friends. When I started the community college I just finished, I thought I would make a few friends. That turned out to be the opposite, I never 'clicked' with anyone I met. Yea I'm a little shy, but I still have quit a few friends where I moved from. Me not being able to make friends at the one and a half years I went to the college scares me and makes me think I won't be able to make friends at the new school. Then I also think what if I get so nervous I get sick to my stomach and continually skip class because of it. I use to have almost this same problem when I was younger. Between 5th and 8th grades I use to get super nervous the first day of school and I would be sick to my stomach for about a week. Then for some reason when I started 9th grade I was able to keep myself calm, and stayed like that through the rest of high school. Don't really know how I did it, I just wasn't nervous anymore. When I started the community college, I told myself that if I feel sick in anyway I can just up and leave, and the teachers don't really care. But with this new school, I can't exactly up and leave class. The school is more expensive than I like to admit, so I need to go to class as often as possible.
  22. I know this place is suppose to be for depresssion even though this doesn't have to do with depression, but I thought I'd ask anyways since some of you have given me advice in the past about my mother. This time I'm the one with the problem. About a month ago while I was out of town I found out I got accepted into a college I really wanted to go to. I've been really excited that I got accepted into this school. But this past week, for no apparent reason I've become somewhat afraid of going to it now, and its making me nervous. I have no idea why. All the sudden I've become scared about moving and living on my own. I get this idea that I would be perfectly happy if I were to stay at home with my mother the rest of my life. I feel like I don't want to leave home ever now. I have no idea why I'm all the sudden scarred but I am and its making me doubt if I even want to go to this school.
  23. I don't think it was the AA itself that the counselor didn't want her going to. According to my mom her counselor didn't like something about the head of the meetings at the AA. I'm not sure, but you could be right and my mom could have made it up. But my mom did seem like she really wanted to go.I guess I'll try to find the counselors phone number. All I really know is that she operates out of her house. Forgot to add. I don't think shes ever gone to work drunk or in a depressed mood. It seems when she gets drunk or depressed is during the weekends or when she has days off. She doesn't keep herself busy, so she ends up being mopey all day and doing nothing but laying in bed and/or drinking. This weekend shes already broken two promises to me about helping me study for a test I have Monday. When the time comes to help me study, she just says give me one more hour in bed, that hour never seems to come.
  24. I could try to speak to her counselor, and I want to. But my mom has never taken the steps to bring me with, even though she has said she wants me to come with her. I think they meet once or twice a month at about 7am. I haven't been able to do this since I have class at 8. Plus I don't know of any way to get a hold of the counselor. With the EAP, do I just call her work and ask if they have a EAP? How exactly could they help my mom?
  25. Some of you may remember me. But in case you don't, the short story is. My mother is severely depressed, going through menopause, and I found out last May that shes an alcoholic. Right now its me and my younger brother living with her. I'm 20 and going to a community college and my brother is 14 and severely disabled. This past fall my mom was going to a sort of AA class, and even brought me with a couple times. Well for some reason her therapist didn't want her to go to those meetings anymore because the therapist didn't like the way the head of the AA meetings was doing things. I thought she was suppose to start up again after Christmas with a different meeting group, but that never happened. After a sort of break down (not a nervous break down) at work sometime in February, her boss said she could have Fridays off to clean up the house, get bills paid, and get herself taken care of. I thought it was a good idea, and so did my mom, but thats not what shes using these Fridays off for. Usually now on Fridays she gets up and sits outside and reads the newspaper until about 10:30. Then she comes inside and basically is depressed and/or drunk the whole day. Just like today. When I got home from school around noon, I could tell she was drunk and acting depressed. She was on the phone with her brother and being short tempered, and irrational. On top of that my brother stayed home from school today because my mom forgot to get up to get him ready for school to catch the bus. So he was in his room until about 1pm until I finally got him up. I confronted my mom and said "Your drunk, aren't you?" she said no, but I knew she was lying since a cup with alcohol was sitting right there in front of her. Basically I told her to stop, and if she really cared about us she dump that cup in the sink. She didn't say anything, then I told her that obviously were the 2nd most important thing in her life next to her alcohol. She said that wasn't true, and I told her if that was the case then you would dump the alcohol out in the sink and stop all this. Then she told me to go away. So I went out to get some lunch for myself at around 12, and when I came home she was in her bed asleep and my brother was still in his room. I went in, woke her up and told her to get up, stop drinking and do something. She just told me to go away. A few minutes later she comes out of her room, and walks to the car. I asked where she was going, and she said no where. I told her your not driving in your condition, but she just started yelling at me and wouldn't stop until I gave her the keys. So now shes out somewhere, half drunk (I think) and I'm worried now. I told her shes going to get herself killed and she said she didn't care, she'd be better off dead anyways. How can I get my mother to stop being a depressed drunk. I've done everything I can, and nothing seems to be working. Half the time it doesn't even seem like my mom wants to be helped, and she just doing things so it looks like it to me that shes trying to help herself. No matter how many meetings with her therapists shes had, no matter how many times she went to those AA meetings, and no matter how many different anti-depressant meds she takes, nothing seems to work. I'm fed up with it, and I can't take it. I have finals in about a week and she is stressing me out way to much for me to concentrate. Plus I have to go through a whole application process still so I can get into a different college this Fall. She is just giving me way too much to deal with. She doesn't want me to tell anyone else about her being an alcoholic, and as far as I know me and her therapist are the only people that know about her problem. I'm ready to go and tell her brother, her boss at work, and other family members about her problem in hopes that someone will be able to do something. I'm becoming desperate and have no idea what to do. HELP!
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