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wanderer82 last won the day on March 3 2012

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About wanderer82

  • Birthday 03/12/1982

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  1. The symptoms of depression are same regardless of a person's level of functioning. Sadness/depressed mood, loss of interest in activities, fatigue, change in sleep, appetite changes, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, reduced concentration, & thoughts of suicide are all symptoms of depression. Severity depends on the level of impairment the symptoms cause. If you are experiencing at least 5 of these symptoms most days you may be experiencing a depressive episode and should seek professional help.
  2. I guess this is just a vent session. So here I go... Because I've suffered so long with various degrees of depression, anxiety, and OCD, I just don't understand how people walk around without all of these things. How they effortlessly get through everyday with energy and motivation and without crippling self doubt and worry. I try to focus on the positives in my life, but life just hurts. I don't know how else to say it; everyday is hard. Every. Single. Day. I try so hard to stay connected to the world while in this condition, but I feel like a spectator. It's like I'm one big raw nerve - every move I make, every thought I have; I feel the intensity of it all. I'm so uncomfortable in my own body and mind. I know perfection isn't a requirement for happiness. Millions of imperfect people accept themselves and live their lives without the weight of depression and anxiety. Yet I can't seem to do the same thing. I am constantly self-conscious, anxious, obsessive, and sad. There is no off switch. How do other people do it? I don't even recognize myself as human when I look in the mirror. I'm so lost and tired. Why is simply existing so hard?
  3. I'm feeling tired and little numb, but better than most of the day. Depression rears its ugly head in so many different ways. Today I was suffocated by an overwhelming sadness and broke down crying twice - once while making a sandwich on my lunch break and again immediately when I got home from work. I forced myself to do something productive after waking up from a nap, the crying spells left me extra exhausted. I planted some cacti and succulents that had been sitting on my front porch. It was a nice distraction. Now the night winding down and I feel a little overwhelmed by the few small routine things I have to do before bed. God, even shaving and brushing my teeth feels like a monumental task.
  4. Hey Drastunir, You just summed up my experience with depression to a T; the dysthymia with major depressive episodes, suicidal ideation, just the overall struggle of daily life. I wish I had advice for you but since I'm in the same place I feel just as lost. I can offer a nonjudgmental ear if that's what you need. I know that's all I want sometimes.
  5. This is great. I've read some of the studies using Ketamine as a fast and effective treatment for major depression and it looks very promising. If wish there were some clinical trials in my area but I'm just glad it's being researched further. Good luck, hope you're feeling good soon!
  6. Sorry to hear that bubba, I have OCD on top of major depression so I understand the obsessiveness. I find CBT helpful only when I'm in a semi-good place; when I'm depressed as I am now it's like trying to tell myself that the sky is green. I called the outpatient facility that was recommended by my previous psychologist and they don't accept my insurance. It's $1500 the first week and $1600 there after, so that's out. Thanks, darkdexter. I hope you can too. Beth, that's good advice, thank you. The only problem is I feel like I would need guidance and the support of a professional during that time off. I'm so low on motivation that I can barely get anything done on my own. Maybe I can convince my therapist to see me more often; but then my new, crappy insurance only covers 15 visits.
  7. Northernstar, thank you so much for your kindness and input. I'm seeing a couselor once a week and still trying medications. I'm so afraid to make this decision. I'm the biggest advocate of mental health awareness for others but when it comes to myself I'm worried of what people will think. "I can honestly say that I am no better now than I was four months ago (I am no better now that I was 15 months ago when this D*** depression started - think you can call it treatment resistant depression at this stage)" Bubba, this is exactly what I'm afraid of, that I'll take time off and won't get any better. Work at least gives me a little motivation. I'm thinking the only way it could be beneficial is to attend intensive outpatient therapy while I'm away, if my insurance covers it that is. Have you considered that? Best to you.
  8. I slipped into a major depressive episode this weekend and called in sick today in an effort to take time to myself and try to recover a little. I called in with the notorious stomach virus that's apparently sweeping the world; I figured it was a good excuse and would give me an extra day or two if I needed them. I don't feel any better; I can't focus and my mind is comsumed with suicidal thoughts. I even "abused" Xanax this morning. I use quotes because I took the prescribed dosage but knew it was too much for me, I just wanted to sleep. I'm in grad school and I'm also really behind on my school work. I now feel like I need another day to try and relax and catch up on homework. I know being home alone with nothing but my depression to keep me company is a bad idea but at the same time I feel like I need to be under as little stress as possible. This is a constant problem for me, I can't handle all my responsibilities but can't quit working and dropping out of school is also not an option. What else is there?
  9. At my last appointment with my pdoc he asked me if I've ever better than just "okay". I responded that "no, not that I could remember", at which point he described me as having dysthymia with overlapping episodes of major depression. I recounted the session to my therapist who agreed and said that's how she's always seen me too. The truth is I have felt better than okay, I've felt good, maybe even great by my standards a handful of times in my life, but they are far from the norm. These days, or sometimes just a span of a few hours, are so few and far between and are such a stark contrast to the constant depression I usually feel that I can remember them vividly. I remember them the way normal people remember horrible events; I can remember what I was wearing, were I went, and what I ate. I described these days to my therapist expecting her to tell me that I can't expect to feel that way but instead she told me that's how nondepressed generally feel. I had always assumed these days were too good to be true, people don't feel that good normally, right? It is shocking to me that other people mostly have enough energy to get through the day, are happy and resilient, and don't have minds trapped in endless ruminations. I can't get my head around why this sudden but obvious realization has affected me so much. Of course I have dysthymia! But now I'm more depressed knowing what I'm missing out on. What I've been missing out on for most of my life. That I have only gotten a taste of what other people feel most of the time. I feel more hopeless than ever. After all the therapy and medication I'm still depressed, I feel like this is my lot in life, like I've been cursed. I've been in major depressive episode for months and would do anything for just mild depression. I can't get relief and feel like I've tried all possible options.
  10. Good for you, I think this is a great idea. Just be sure it's doable, don't set your self up for failure. If you need to start small and work your way up to longer periods of time it's okay. The last therapist I had was really into worksheets to help monitor progress and having something to fill out can keep you motivated to succeed. One of the most helpful worksheet I would do was a daily activity log; it would track my activities hourly through out the day and rate my mood and feeling of achievement for each activity. It essentially created a chart of what was keeping me stuck in ruts and what was beneficial. It showed how much time I spent doing things that weren't helping my mood. You're definitely on the right track.
  11. "If I can do it then anyone can." Few statements can make me more defensive and sometimes angry. I find it far from motivational and downright ignorant and insensitive. I don't mean to sound harsh to anyone who may use this statement (I think many of us here have more right to it than others). I think it disregards the different genetic and environmental factors that have shaped who we are as individuals. Even people who succeeded through overwhelming odds can't expect other people to do the same. They may have an innate resiliency, a higher IQ, a support system, or simply caught a lucky break that helped them succeed. I never want to diminsh other peoples' accomplishments, but I also hate when people diminish other peoples' struggles because of what they personally overcame. My anger mainly comes from hearing people who had few obstacles make the statement. My friend recently gave me the, "If I can do it then anyone can" when I was discussing my difficulties with grad school. His reason for finding grad school difficult?? He was partying too much and having too much fun. That's a far cry from having major depression. I'm tired of people being so clueless about something that affects me so deeply.
  12. First of all I wanted to acknowledge that I sometimes begin topics and never reply back. I do come back to read the responses but somewhere along the way I get too apathetic or avoidant to reply. So I would like to say thank you to anyone who has replied to the last threads that I may have ignored, I really do appreciate the time you take to give feedback. I decided in 2012 I would work hard on the depression, anxiety, and OCD that have been crippling me for years by sticking with therapy and medication. I accepted the reality that I need these things to be well and could not continue on the same deadend path of sheer will-power. I have been faithfully going to therapy since the beginning of year and trying to stay as engaged as possible in my depressed state. I am currently on my 4th AD since November of last year. I have been on Viibryd for about 7-8 weeks, I experienced a brief lift in mood a week and a half in before it slowly went down again. I increased my dosage in small increments two times until I reached the recommended dosage by my pdoc. I started on 20 mgs this past Sunday but dropped down back to 15 mgs today b/c of extreme jaw pain. I know I should stay on 20 mgs longer but I'm trying to assess whether the jaw pain is from stress or the medication. I have become increasingly suicidal, worse than I have ever been which I didn't know was possible. The feelings are impulsive which I haven't exprienced before. My OCD is out of control, I spent an hour and a half this morning in a ritual. I'm eating less. I don't want to see anyone or do anything. I cry when the sun comes up because I don't want to start another day. I told my therapist this and her reaction scared me. If she thinks it's bad, it must be bad. She wants me in intensive outpatient therapy 9-12 hours a week. I would consider it but the fall semester is starting and I work full time, I don't have time. Her suggestion of outpatient therapy hit me really hard, I can't believe this is where I'm at. I'm considering cutting my hours back at work to help relieve some stress but I really need the money. For some reason I'm ashamed of the idea. I should be able to handle this. I think the reality of my condition is hitting me and I'm really shaken up. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff. I see my pdoc next week. Is it time to switch meds? Should I give this one more time? I don't know where to go from here.
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