mimsy

@Joe Fubar, glad you have stuck around. And @Asta , @velvetpuddles, and @StillStandinTall have all said really good things here. Everyone is different as far as how they use this site. I mostly read and when I'm able or really relate to someone, I try to let them know I relate and just validate that they are not alone in feeling a certain way or thinking of things in a certain way. I don't think I've ever made a topic post of my own, so my interaction is just responding within other people's threads. But like I said, I usually just read. The nice thing about "chatting" with people on here, vs. other sites, is that I think we all kind of understand that the other person may not respond, or may take a while to respond, because we "get it," since socializing/conversing/interacting is difficult for most depressed people to be consistent about. (For myself, I know that is part of the reason why I have such a hard time building/maintaining friendships in real life; I am too scared to make social commitments because I don't know how my anxiety/depression will be on the day of the plans.... so obviously, people get tired of that and quit inviting the wishy-washy girl because it's a pain in the a** for them to deal with.) So while it's always nice when people do come back to check-in here after posting, I don't think people here judge anyone if they don't come back or aren't consistent in responding. (At least that is my impression.) So it's like a lower pressure situation to have conversations. There have been a few times where I really was worried about people I was talking to, and it did kind of suck when they didn't come back or let folks here know they were ok.... because then you wonder, well, maybe they aren't ok. But it's not like I think poorly of them for not coming back; I get it. Maybe they are feeling better and coming back would be triggering. It's not my place to judge. And as far as DF "friends," I've had a few people who I messaged with over the years, usually for a limited period of time, and then like 2 people who I ended up continuing conversations with via email and even text/phone for years. And sometimes it was just sending a check-in note like once a year at holidays like hey, you still hanging in there? Unfortunately I just recently lost touch with the person I texted with, as she hasn't responded to my last couple of texts within the last few months and she hasn't logged in here for quite some time. So I hope she is ok. The other person, the "email buddy" from here, I just recently responded back to him after putting it off for a year or something, so I hope to hear back from him soon. So bottom line, it's totally up to you how you use this site and whether you stay in touch with anyone from here. There's no "wrong" way to do it. But I do think it's ultimately good that you are continuing to check-in, because it sounds like you are just really in the depths and feeling like you can't vent to people in your life right now. We've all been there, and we're all happy to help someone else working through it. You're doing it day by day, and that is no easy feat. Also totally up to you how much you share. I'm wondering what your bad day was about, but I don't want to push if you don't want to talk about it. P.S. Good job making it through another day.

1. It seems to me that getting out of bed and going to work when you haven't slept IS an accomplishment. I know I don't do that. 2. You help people at your job, so they would feel differently about whether you accomplished something or not. And it seems that the fact that you continue to go to work DOES support your family. Maybe it's not as much money as you would like to contribute, but you're doing your best. I'm really curious whether you've shared your feelings with your family members and asked them how they feel about it/you and whether or not it makes a difference to them that you go to work to support them. 3. Many people's jobs rely on people getting hurt or having a myriad of other problems, whether trivial or not (if you think about it, pretty much all jobs rely on solving other people's problems, whether it's a product or service). It sounds like you work in health care or something. Those are widely considered some of the most taxing and heroic jobs, fyi. If you can, try to think of what your work would look like to someone else; someone you have helped. 4. It's good that you don't blame other people for your illness. It sounds like you're in a lot of pain, and it would be easy for you to lash out and take it out on others, but you are not doing that. That is a good thing and speaks to your character. 5. On your last sentence I think you misunderstood the mental exercise that a therapist taught me. It is not an actual person coming to you with a problem, but a hypothetical. If another person hypothetically came to you and said what you have said here, I highly doubt you would react to them the same way your depressed brain is reacting to you and your feelings. Sorry you aren't feeling any better. I can relate with that feeling. I typically mostly read vs post when I'm ruminating while in depressed-brain. Sometimes I even get irritated at some well-intentioned people's words of "encouragement." (And I apologize if I have inadvertently offended or annoyed you with anything I've said.) So sometimes I just would rather not share and instead just process thoughts by myself. But I do think continuing to read other people's stories, and other things, is useful, if only just to see that there are other people going through similar things and the possibility of finding one little gem that helps me get through one more day. If you're obsessing on negative thoughts anyway, might as well introduce a slight possibility of finding something a little helpful. However, I do think you need to keep some sort of connection with people, however minimal. My point is that if you are at a point where you can not share your real feelings with other people, then you can try to do mental exercises to force your brain to consider other people and how they might think. Online forums like this are sometimes helpful for people in isolation with their depressed thoughts. Maybe a phone support line would be more up your alley if you don't have family/friends to talk to and don't want to go to a therapist/doctor? It would be more "real time" and that might help get you through some of the worst moments. Everyone is different. I do hope you stick around, whether lurking or posting. The fact that you're still surviving is an accomplishment, and you've mentioned many others. Just giving you a random person's point of view. Penpal friend offer still stands.

Hi Joe ~ I'm on here after not logging in for quite some time, but you said a couple of things I wanted to comment on and maybe it helps to hear some outsider's different perspective: I'm middle aged now. I struggle with depression and anxiety, which affect my sleep and make it so that I very often do not make it to work on time, or at all, so for me, getting to work on time would be a HUGE accomplishment! So know that your "trash" accomplishment would be my "treasure" accomplishment! In fact, I'm stuck in my current job with no way out since I have a fantastic boss/employer in that they have accommodated my unreliable attendance and haven't canned me yet, though I have exhausted my FMLA leave entitlement. And I am not confident I could hold down a job anywhere else, but this job bores and depresses me. So just know that for some people, your "small accomplishment" of getting to work on time (AND helping people in your job!) seems quite huge. I do understand the frustration with yourself since it sounds like you feel like you used to be more productive or successful (however you define that for yourself). I totally get that. I used to be a very high functioning person, so I flog myself all the time and feel pathetic for currently not even being able to manage daily life tasks (such as getting up and getting to work on time or at all, or showering, or eating, or....) I look back at my younger self like that was another person; and that does make me feel depressed. I used to accomplish so much more. So I can really relate with that feeling. Also relate with the frustration with the mental health care system and medications. Been there, done that. I do still go to therapy, but really it's because I have to do that as a condition of receiving FMLA leave (have to be in continuous/on-going care). Though my therapist right now is decent. And the feeling like you help people/strangers at work more than you help the people most important to you, your family, is also a normal emotion, and I truly don't think that is limited to depressed people, either. If you think about it, most people do treat strangers/acquaintances more humanely/kindly day to day. Unfortunately, the people closest to us are the ones who see us at our worst/meanest/weakest/ugliest. We drop appearances that we hold up in public/at work, and often end up hurting those we love the most or treating them with less politeness, or having them witness us in bad states like depression; we might be able to hide our symptoms at work, but they come out in view at home, usually. (Not saying that you ARE hurting or disappointing your family, by the way, but you said you are feeling like you are failing at supporting them .... and I think everyone feels that way if they really think about it...... people with depression also seem to be cursed with being more introspective than non-depressed people, imo.) I did learn one useful thing from a past therapist and maybe it helps you, too. I realize it is easier said/thought than done. But if you can think of how you would react if a friend of yours (or family/kid/whatever) said to you what you are saying about yourself and how you are feeling, what would you tell them? Would you tell them they are garbage and no good and that they are failing to support their family even though they are trying hard to do that? I doubt you would. We always judge ourselves so much more harshly than we judge other people. Depression does make us feel kind of sub-human, or defective..... but we actually ARE people. I do realize that is hard to really remember and practice when you're feeling depressed, but you have to admit, it makes logical sense. You would never say the things you are saying about yourself to someone else who came to you and said what you have said. You ARE a person, and therefore you deserve as much acceptance and compassion as you would give to someone else in your spot and struggling. Hope any bit of that helps if only it gives a different perspective and/or makes you feel slightly less alone. Feel free to message me if you still need a friend. I haven't been on here in quite some time, but I have notifications on so I get emails if someone messages. Good on you for reaching out, too. I know that's not easy for me; probably isn't for you either. There are a lot of really nice and insightful people on here, so I hope you stick around.

Kdhurd11, Thank you for sharing your initial post that so many of us can relate to AND for your update that you got a better job. WAY TO HANG IN THERE DESPITE HOW HARD IT IS. It matters. You matter. Best to you.

sounds like you will really have to try to keep her hydrated.... i am not a dog person so i don't know what kind of watery foods they would eat?? (rabbits and rats like watermelon and cucumbers, but i don't think doggies like those things.) best of luck and i hope it's not something serious.

So unfair when our innocent animal friends suffer. I am hoping the best for you and your friend.

You are not alone. So many people are suffering and it's perfectly legit if the ONLY way you can survive is to every day tell yourself "Wait; not today. You can do it tomorrow." Sometimes that's all you can do. But I guarantee you that there are people who are so grateful that you stuck around for another day; your other suicidal friends, for example. They don't want to be alone either. And probably other strangers that you have no idea you impacted during daily, seemingly insignificant interactions. I will not tell you that things get better, and I will not tell you that it does not suck every day. But the lives of suffering people matter; you are a warrior with a burden (that you did not choose) and you matter and make a difference to other people. It sucks to feel that burden, but it is what it is.

Sorry to be off topic, but ^ Milky Marvin's "Draft me to your Fantasy Mental illness Team today!" signature just cracked me upppppp! :D

I only experience this sensation, which I always called dissociation, under a lot of stress or in crisis. I feel like it is a coping mechanism the brain does; when it is not possible to actually escape the unbearable, the brain is doing what it can to make it SEEM like you have escaped a situation in some way. The floating above the body looking down on oneself as a different being experience is apparently a common phenomenon during trauma; many women describe this experience during rape, for example. I did that during forced sex with an abusive partner back in the day. The last time I had that sensation was during a disciplinary meeting at my last job, when the HR person casually informed me that they had had me under surveillance with someone actually parking outside my home office and watching to see when I left each morning. I had had a stalker before (same abusive guy as above) who used to sneak around spying on me and I cannot stand that feeling of paranoia every moment, so I just had a full on panic attack when I heard those words from the HR person. I think I must have instantly turned white as the blood drained out of me at that moment; the meeting was halted so that they could call a union person in for the rest. I went out into the hallway and hovered above my body watching "her" vainly texting my friend who had driven down there with me for support but who was denied access to the meeting and had left the building. I watched myself shaking and struggling to breathe and feared my body would collapse right there in that public space... while I watched. ..... Interesting, I only just now by describing that moment realized that while I tend to be self loathing, in that moment of dissociation, I think I looked upon myself with sympathy for "her." .... However, while I wanted to help, to prevent the fainting or get her out of there, I could not control any of it; I could only watch.

The hood fan above my stove, because it is too fricking cold outside for my chain smoking habit and I keep cheating and smoking inside sitting here in front of my stove, not that it really gets rid of the stink, it just sucks it up, cools it down, and blows the smell out the front. :( I am probably going to get in trouble for this when I move out of the apartment. It has been an uncharacteristically bitterly cold winter here. :/ But I can only sit outside for so long before my feet and hands are so numb they feel like they are gonna fall off, so here I am smoking in front of my stove again. :/

Thank you for sharing and by the way, this is beautifully written. We need more like you to have the strength and courage to stick around and share these things that so many might be feeling but unable to express, so thanks.

this is one of those posts where you wish the OP would come back to give an update. ;) hope whatever decision was made, that it has worked out.

Well, from reading your brief synopsis and the thoughts going through your head, it SOUNDS like on a GUT level you feel like taking the part time job would be the most viable and realistic option for you right now. I know it's hard to turn down $ of full time job..... but like you said, if you find out you ARE able to do more, then you could always pick up more hours or even get another part time job. But it sounds like you're not comfortable/confident enough right NOW to commit to working 40+ hours per week as you are to committing to the part time. Just my take on how your summary reads to me.

But yes, I agree it is important for you to have this conversation with the therapist and hear her side of it before writing her off without explanation. You might need a bit of cool down time before you can have this conversation w/ her, and that's ok. It's good you can talk to your boyfriend about it. When you do talk to the therapist, be sure to have your list of points you want to make so that you can make sure she gets your side of it too; she may learn something. And you may learn something. Also agree w/ others that you probably should be exploring your options as far as getting some support now that you have lost eligibility from your student status. If your old therapist is worth anything, she should at least offer to help you w/ that, even if you choose to reject her (and for whatever reason, whether it's b/c you can't pay or whether you feel you can't trust her anymore after this (regardless of who is right or wrong in the cops situation) even if she gave you free sessions, etc). If she instead acts defensive, or like you are stupid or unjustified in sharing your FEELINGS with her (again, regardless of whether she agrees with you or feels you are judging her unfairly) or even questioning what she did, and refuses to even give you a handout w/ phone numbers to try, then sorry, she's a crappy therapist. There are plenty of them, unfortunately.

Well, see, that's the thing; it's hard to know whether it was a reasonable/required thing for this therapist to do without knowing the details of what all this therapist knew. (But regardless of whether the therapist was justified in that decision or whether a different/more humane approach was viable, the experience remains traumatic either way.) It really depends on the history of the therapist's conversations and screenings with JupiterDolphin to know whether the statement of a possible way of committing suicide was truly an immediate concern warranting this particular intervention or whether another, less traumatic/demeaning, intervention would have been more appropriate. Roseyssassafras touches on the types of details I'm talking about. Was this a new/different statement for JupiterDolphin, or have those types of statements been made before during suicidal ideation? What is the pattern, what does this therapist know about this person? Has this person ever actually DONE self harm before, or do they just fantasize/talk about it? Were standard screening tools used periodically to detect changes in symptoms that may not be verbalized during sessions? Was calling the cops REALLY the only/best option here?? Or could he same thing been accomplished (in a more humane way) by calling Jupiter's emergency contact(s) and asking them to go check on her and let her know the outcome?? Did the therapist REALLY consider what would be the best way to handle this, or just want to "get it done" quickly and cover her ass? ....... I would LIKE to give the therapist the benefit of the doubt in using her professional judgment appropriately, but unfortunately, not all therapists are sensitive and thoughtful about this type of thing, so without all the details I can't say either way. It should seem obvious that using the cops to handle a delicate situation like this with a person in mental health crisis (that they are not trained to do) is a LAST RESORT, but not all therapists are that sensitive to consider other options, like exploring other possibilities that INVOLVE THE PATIENT IN THE DECISION. Did the therapist say "I'm worried about you, and fyi, I am obligated to report to the police if I feel that you might hurt yourself, so can we work out a plan here? Can you sign a release for me to talk to your mom and we can arrange for you not to be alone right now? Or is there someone else you would be more comfortable doing that with? Or are you interested in checking yourself in to an inpatient facility for a few days? etc etc......" And so while I understand the predicament of the therapist, without details it is not clear whether they legitimately betrayed Jupiter's trust or not (and again, the experience is traumatic whether or not there was a legitimate betrayal by the therapist or not). Part of the expectation of patients to be able to vent in a safe place is that the therapist takes their job seriously enough to show respect to the patient and take the upper hand as far as ensuring that "safe place." And if they do not take the time to set up safety plans, or make proper assessments, or even bother INFORMING the patient what might happen if they DO vent about suicidal thoughts, then that is disrespectful to the patient, and it is extremely damaging because they are setting the patient up to THINK that they are able to vent about these thoughts that they can't talk to anyone else about because they EXPECT this safe place.... I mean that is part of what a therapist is FOR, to be able to say these types of things that you may not say to anyone else. If they expect patients to be honest with them, they ALSO have to be honest and inform patients what their obligations are and to give the common courtesy to allow the patient to participate in developing their own safety plan. That is their JOB.