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kels

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About kels

  • Birthday 11/30/1977

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    England
  • Interests
    Reading, graphic design and editing.

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  1. kels

    02

    Hi Tymothi Thank you for responding. Just checking in to say...stay strong. Keep well
  2. kels

    02

    Hi Tymothi I'm so sorry that life has done the dirty to you. I could say all the customary words but then you already know them, so what I will say is that here half a world away in UK, I am thinking of you and share your pain. Take hold of that tenacity that has brought us through the past 40 years and keep fighting. Keep holding on. For what you might ask. Well, for what we always hold on for; the hope that happiness, normality and sanity are just around the corner. You have experienced some of it and even though it was ripped from your grasp, keep seeking. In the mean time seek the beauty in the things around you, let the wonder of nature caress your soul... but don't stop searching. The adventure is in the journey not the destination. You have journeyed far and are wary. Rest, rejuvenate, build strength to face the enemy that is depression. Be a warrior, do not succum to the seductive darkness. Shalom
  3. Wow...another year gone by and still the chaos resounds. I am beginning to think that I am crazier than I thought. Functional crazy? Is that a thing? Oh I could list the things that ail me but to what purpose? Physical, mental, emotional.... it doesn't really matter does it. How does a fighting spirit stop fighting? Reacting, responding, trying to explain... it all just makes it worse. I am so angry and sad and feel so belittled and persecuted. Apparently. Damnit. Just wish for peace.
  4. And here I am nearly a year later. I'm not very good at this blog/journalling thing am I? Time passes so quickly and so much happens yet much is still the same. My life? Well there is much to be thankful for...on the surface. A new home, larger, in pretty surroundings. Three beautiful children. But it seems no matter what is done to repair the cracks once shattered life doesn't seem to meld quite as it used to. Do you ever feel alone, even though surrounded by many? I'm not lonely, in fact I relish being alone. But disconnected I do feel, a lot of the time. But it's something I really only feel when people feel the need to point out that I should be out, walking in the spring sun, doing things, why? Why should I? Because you say so? Society says so? What is happiness to me? Does it matter? Because I can assure you it won't fit in with the majority rule. Happiness to me: I feel complete if my home is in order, my children are safe. Doing the daily chores then settling down between school runs to a book or movie or catch up on my series for those few hours, then feeding and settling everyone. Quiet weekends just pottering around and chilling. Why is this so hard for people to understand? I don't care for the drama of daily life... of society... what with the resources of google and wikipedia and everything else I can fill my mind with the wonder of everything... I research and explore and so much more. Oh but that's not healthy, you need human interaction... you have let life experiences distort your view... oh just SHUT UP...please. Since my first memory I have prefered my own company --- that's not true, you are so confident with people, the life of the party. You fit in well in all situations --- um... no sherlock, it doesn't take much intelligence to say and do what people expect, but with time it becomes wary, and dull and more effort than it's worth. Yes I do care but people are fickle and entwined in their own daily dramas, and now I am tired and worn and yes life's lessons have cut deep and really I just want a peaceful life --- well as peaceful as can be reasonably expected with two teenagers and a toddler. My life line to sanity was severed brutally two years ago... so please cut me some slack and just leave me be. I harm no one. I ensure the needs of my family are met. Our bills are paid. My house is lived in but clean albeit dusty at times! My family has clean clothes and are fed daily... we have more than most and less than the filthy rich but still I'm judged. Why? Am I too competent? Too efficient? After what life has throw and dragged me through this past decade to you want me to be a blubbering mess? To need help? To be drowning in a pool of self pity? Guess what NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. Coz the bunch of f*ckers in my life wouldn't cope if I gave up! And yes... I have proven it as not even two years ago I was gone three months to another country to tend to my dying mother and here I am still cleaning up the mess that exploded in my absence... so forgive me when I say... I only rely on myself to handle my life. Mom...mom...ma... there is the call of my life best I go and do what I do best...love my children Till I find a moment again.....
  5. We are but insignificant in the grand scheme of things. No matter what catastrophic event occurs the sun still rises and shines at its alloted time. Why is it that some people in my life feel the need to subtly (or so they think) push their views and opinions on me. It's not like I don't mind hearing opinions it's that they continuously think that they need to express what they think, their interpretation of my life and what I must do over and over. Are they so stupid that they do not realise that its my life and trying to make my life like their's is not going to work. It's presented as if it's out of concern but really it's dictating and controlling and surely by now they should realise I am my own person and that my life is mine to lead. Then roping in other key players with their interpretation and influence is certainly not going to help. I can not fathom what is wrong with repairing a family unit? Why are so many opposed to it? Just because it didn't work for them why oppose it? Each situation is different, why force your decisions and life choices onto someone who is not you? Oh but I'm distressed and can not make decisions for myself. What I feel and need or want is irrelevant because second chances don't exist. Forgiveness is for the weak. Wanting a complete and happy family is an unreasonable expectation. Individually each key player in this drama is a decent person. Admittedly with past mistakes. But to move on forgiveness is key. Have I failed so miserably that happiness is no longer an option? Oh happiness is what you make of it. Only you can make your own happiness. Don't place your happiness on someone else's shoulders. Really? REALLY??? What BS!!! When you have to choose between two (or more) people because of immaturity, unforgiveness, selfishness and past hurt happiness is not going to be an option. Whatever choice is made is going bring pain, alot of it. To be forced into choosing between people whom you wholeheartedly love is not something that anyone should be forced to do... but here we are and it's happening. What is even more heartbreaking is that it actually doesn't have to be that way. The situation has been fuel by people who wittingly or not have there own agendas. In the form of advice and support and concern. Three scenarios --- two of which will cause numerous people pain and one which could bring happiness and peace albeit with hard work and dedication from all parties. Maybe I am a fool to want happiness and a complete family unit.
  6. Well have my children back home where they belong. The injustice of it all still stings. Now it's just the final battle to be won then true restoration can begin. I'm finding it physically and mentally draining being this person everyone tells me to be... they all think they know best... I've discovered that there are very few people who know the inner me... less than I thought... it's amusing to find out the assumptions that have been made. Disappointingly I also realise that they don't understand the silent pain of an autoimmune diseases. I have Hashimotos... I have provided the resources etc but still I hear: "You need to do more...you'll feel better" "You need to eat less and exercise more and you'll lose weight" "Get off your fat arse and do something with your life" "It's a frame of mind thing... change your attitude and you'll feel better" "You need to (fill in the blank), do it for your children. "Stop using it as an excuse" Its hurtful and cruel and very dismissive. Thank God for my online support groups and STTM... It helps to interact with people who have the disease and face the same daily challenges as myself. Add anxiety and depression to the mix and... well yeah... A skill I've learnt is just to nod and say mmmm and then just do what I planned to anyway. Here's to a drama free week.
  7. Ok. All clear given at the breast clinic. Scan in a month to make sure all infection has cleared. Still doesn't make 5 day in a hospital bed seem any better. Flashbacks and anxiety of sitting with Mum were terrible. Not yet ready to face that trauma. Have had a reasonable day today. Got to see my children for several hours. My heart is shattered and in pieces and I can only pray this week will bring resolution. It's difficult to be positive and I'm really struggling with the feeling of hopeless therefor I'm grateful for my brother-and sister-in-law for all there unjudgemental support. Skoonie's strength and durability are amazing and my respect and admiration for her are beyond measure. During this darkness I have discovered that not everyone who supports you actually supports you selflessly. Some like to twist the knife, some to fulfill their own sense of importance and even others just to have control. I believe some don't even recognise their own motivations... and that is sad. Why do some people smile to your face but actually get pleasure from your misfortunes? I wish those more and those less fortunate than myself goodwill and success. Deserved or not. So a little bitsy bit better today... I don't grasp it too tightly and experience has taught me it can be wretched from your grasp with out notice. So no I won't rejoice I will simply be. Good night x
  8. I'm really not so good at this blog thing am I? Almost 2 years since the last and my world is in chaos. Right now I'm sitting in the hospital breast clinic waiting for my appointment. Anxiety is sky high. Suddenly while sitting here thought of this site... Somewhere to speak without reserve even if no one reads it, somewhere no judgements are made, why do I stay away for so long? My world is shattered and I need a place to organise my scattered mind and so here I am...again. Does a timeliness matter? Or just getting out what currently occupies my mind? Right now, right here is what counts I guess so that's where this chapter will start. I have lumps and bumps as a result of a severe case of cellulitis on the left side of my chest. Antibiotics and lancing have cleared a lot now scans etc. will determine the next step. Hospitals signify death to me. Both my parents died in my arms in hospital. My dad at age 48 in 2004 and my mom at age 58 in 2016. So the aversion to hospitals is explained but that does nothing to stop the pounding in my heart and head as I wait for this appointment. My husband sits next to me on his phone and I am grateful he took the time off to bring me. I need to focus on the positive. Yes he is enept at comforting or emotions but he cares and that's what counts. 9 minutes past my appointment time and I am getting twitchy... antsy...just wanting to leave. Thoughts go randomly... I could just go to reception and say I have to leave I can't wait any longer... but no... I will wait... this is important. It is, right? My health is important... isn't it? Yes, yes it is. Well... I will be back... I need this. This is good a place to sort it all out.
  9. Holy ****aroni.... has it really been that long... lets see... I have gotten married in 2013 and had a baby in 2014. Alienated several people along the way and made amends with others. And yep my brain is still pretty screwed. Meds are at 20mg Citalopram since I fell pregnant, baby nearly 18mths and still breastfeeding strong. Had a dreadful pregnancy with Pelvic Girdle Pain and a footling breech baby that had to be delivered via c-section. Still over weight and battling to lose anything....and am at stage in my marriage where its make or break due to the selfish, stupid actions of a man whom no matter how hard I try I can't not love. Depression and its darkness are always only a heartbeat away but I have not succumbed to the dark yet and will continue to struggle against it. I guess life just has a way of happening... the sun will rise and the world will turn no matter the personal crisis! I seem to have resigned myself to inevitability of this, I am no longer so volatile and find it easier to walk away than to stay and fight...I have found a measure of peace amongst the turmoil but still my mind is my main enemy and it seems at times resistance is futile. I do what has to be done... there are a ton of books to be read and a vast amount of movies to watch... so solitude is my respite... which makes it easier to participate in this thing called society... as a social creature I am not, although age and experience have made me able to participate with some sort of ease.. its not entirely unpleasant although I do find relief in the retreat of my home after a particularly long journey in the realms of real life! Sleep has also been my ally in times of duress... so now seems to be a time of wakefulness for me... to save a relationship with a man I've known for 17 years and been with for 7 and married to for nearly 3.... to mend broken fences and to walk away from destructive people... this year has been particularly wrought with stress, disappointments and betrayals and yet here I am sill surviving...yay me. Keep Smiling kels
  10. I love all of them. The last one is brilliant too. :) I just finished reading it. I just finished last night and have started the last one! Awesome trilogy!
  11. Oh wow... already two months into 2012...how time flies...

  12. The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larsson ('m reading the Millennium Trilogy - this is the 2nd book...absolutely brilliant!
  13. kels

    Sneaux. Boo! :/

    Hey there! Your blogs make me smile! Glad that you have moved so far forward! (((HUGS)))
  14. Oh my word...how time has flown. Yeah, I'm still here, back on meds...Citalopram 20mg. Its been a nightmare two months. I fell dreadfully ill on boxing day and have struggled to get better. Was suffering from migraines...fevers...chest infection! Then my one cousin had a breakdown and landed up in a mental health care facility a few days after Christmas... he's a very clingy, attention seeking depressive... he just can't focus on taking steps to cope and support himself... he wants/needs others to take care of him and he tends to expect others to make him feel better... now I'm the complete opposite, I know depression is not just a case of 'pull yourself towards yourself' but it does take some effort of 'helping yourself' and learning what your triggers are and how to cope... this is a concept that seems to be beyond him and he is(was) brilliant at making me feel guilty which then in turn peeved me off... so I have had to take a step back and let him find the help he needs from others because I am unable to give him the help/support he demands with out endangering my own delicate balance.... Then my other cousin landed in the surgical ward a few days into the new year, after a terrible infection set in and he is still in hospital and will be need plastic surgery and skin grafts... And my kids have been driving me up the wall! Mainly just smart mouths and them pushing their luck, but I really don't need this right now. I have been tempted to get my meds upped, but am coping on 20mg and have also decided to stop work and be a full time mom. We can afford it at the moment so I'm hoping to find a little more balance in my life. I have kind of with drawn into myself, but have a few VERY TRUE friends who have not deserted me, they visit me regularly, even if I seldom venture out socially. And I've been doing a lot of reading and watching movies etc. I am hoping that by finishing work at the end of March and getting to grips on some sort of routine around the house, and by having some ME time daily I will (fingers crossed) be feeling more likely to 'rejoin' the world as the weather warms up! Its just so easy to just snuggle up with a blanket and a book in this cold weather and shut the world out. Actually, now that I think of it I have been getting some of my energy/focus back, I'm cooking 'proper' meals for the family instead of tossing together 'ready' meals and quick fix meals, I've been keeping the place in a much more orderly condition, I've been going out to do groceries weekly instead of ordering online.. so yeah I guess I'm a little more ahead than I give myself credit for! I am finding that my tolerance level for 'stupidity' has dropped considerably and I do need to stop being so sarcastic (well, I do bite my tongue a lot, just need to bite it even more) That's all fro now! Keep Smiling! kels
  15. Hanging in there? Thanks for the comment! Looking forward to a blog from you - make it a way to set the tone for a new year. Stay warm! (Does it snow a lot over there? :)

    1. kels

      kels

      Oops...sorry so long to reply! Yeah..its snows here! xoxox

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