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Everything posted by Leaflet

  1. You're both right. Well I spoke to my friend (via sharing), and it's not as black and white - not just a case of sexual anxiety, but life anxieties too. It's funny because I had very similar experiences. @ladysmurf, been there too with being unhappy with who I was - basically years of bullying at school did that to me. It's really only through therapy, experiences and friends that I got past it. My best bet is to try be a true friend. He's such a lovely guy, I wish there was more I could do to help, but I guess it's not my place to pressure. Self-doubt is a tricky beast (Ironic eh?). It discourages those who suffer from trying, and yet it is through trying that self-doubt can be overcome! And @lonelyforeigner, I really like the idea of finding other gay Christians. My ex here is involved in gay Christian groups, perhaps I could connect them. Thanks for the idea. I suspect that belief in the afterlife paralyses some people into inaction generally in their lives... I want to shake my friend and be like "Come on dude, you're not going to exist forever! What's there to lose?". For someone who does believe in the afterlife and a supreme entity who determines the quality of said, I guess they would think there is a lot to lose. To me, it all seems rather silly (no offence intended to anyone here of course, we all make our own choices in life).
  2. Hey all, So I have a friend who's a gay man, 30, a virgin and not happy about it. In fact, somewhat desperate. It seems he has a lot of anxiety about sex: * Fear of just being intimate with another guy. * Conflicted about being gay and Catholic (shame). * I suspected he feels left behind. 7 years ago I was in this mental place of despair too. It consumed me and made me depressed. I was able to get past it with the help of therapy, some key replies on this very forum and a helping hand from a friend. Well, it's just I understand what my friend might be going through now, the pain, isolation, etc. I feel bad not that he's a virgin, but that he himself doesn't want to be - and well my own opinion is that our sexual nature as humans is to be enjoyed, to the extent that each individual is comfortable. I just really want to help, but I don't know what to say or do to help him realise it's not a big deal. That most of us are sexual beings, it's not shameful, and that being a virgin doesn't matter. I don't even know how to broach this topic with him without sounding insulting. I gave up religion, which is how I resolved that conflict, but can't honestly suggest the same. Any tips on how to go about helping?
  3. So I've had really really good success with light therapy. I suffer Seasonal Affective Disorder, a condition where you become a lot more depressed in winter (or also less commonly, summer), and also have suffered depression/anxiety in the past (helped a lot by counselling). So I made my own "Dawn Simulator", noticed I started to feel much much better, and I want to share my results. Light Therapy basically works by supplementing the lack of light you get in winter. The most effective way is to sit in front of a specialised super-bright light for 30 minutes each day. The next best thing I saw was a "Dawn Simulator" - a light that simulates dawn 1 or 2 hours before you actually intend to wake up. The advantage of the Dawn Simulator is that the bulb only needs to be as bright as an office tube light, while the Light Therapy bulb is usually specialised making it expensive. Unfortunately buying either device doesn't come cheap anyway. Here is a well written summary about that Light Therapy is: http://psycheducation.org/treatment/bipolar-disorder-light-and-darkness/light-therapies-for-depression/ I rigged up a Dawn Simulator (much cheaper) by putting together: * A large 40 Watt (4100K day-light colour) energy saving CFL bulb (they're bigger a brighter than the usual 20 Watt ones). * A cheap translucent lamp shade that lets a lot of light escape (one of those paper Japanese ones that has enough room to take a big bulb). * A wall socket timer from the dollar store. Then set it up to come on at around 5 am, 1.5 hours before sun rise, a maximum of 3 feet away from my head. Granted it does not provide a smooth dim-to-bright experience that would simulate dawn, however despite that I feel it definitely does seem to have made a difference, and when I first set it up back in 2012, even my mother complimented me on how I seemed happier. There seems to be quite a few stories out there of it helping, I am surprised light therapy isn't discussed more on this forum: http://www.cbc.ca/news/sad-no-longer-brilliant-light-cure-for-seasonal-disorder-1.2962056 There's some evidence it may help people with bipolar disorder too: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/01/080103101121.htm I hope this might help someone.
  4. 1. Donated Matzo meal to the local synagogue for Passover (Jewish Christmas). The staff seemed suprised that a non-jew would and greatful. 2. Did two long walks to get some exercise 3. Ate my favourite lunch time meal
  5. - Layout on my bed alone with no one else in the room and letting my thoughts run their riot until they're gone - Baring in mind that the bad mood will pass - Walking
  6. It seems my speel chequer is not working, so I appologise in advance. One simple thing I've noticed about depression: Challanging a negative thought/feeling/belief seems to be the best way to help depression/anxiety, thinking too much doesn't seem to help. I never had much success with trying to think through things, and the most progress seemed to come when I eventually gave in and actually tried to do things in a planned way, even though they were the most emotionally draining options, despite not really feeling motivated. The success and even the failures, afterwards made me question the idea that I was hopeless at certain things and additionally I got a little boost from doing *anything* other than moping about. Probably what I am saying is obvious, but it's really hard to motivate oneself when feeling low and/or scared. Gonna sound stupid, but I found that when I want to do something nerve wracking, that faking motivation and confidence really does seem to work, because the success afterwards is like a small suprise that generates real confidence. Usually people are telling us the answers however our own emotions prevent us being able to accept them.
  7. I need to get time to read this, but basically yes, I understand 100%. I know I'm not bad looking, but compared to other guys I'm no thin muscular babe. I think it comes down to this, at 20-30, we're never going to look more sexy in our lives than now, and we're not ugly. I see all sorts of people in relationships, so even though it's hard for me to believe in my looks, I know logically that it's not about looks. I think it comes down a sense of rejection, and trying to work out why. Perhaps it's more to do with out confidence than to do with looks. In my case, it's about the fear of taking risks and trying to know how to appropriately hit on someone else without feeling the pain of being smacked down. I think the avoidance of me trying leads me to look for other reasons as to my lack of success, but really I think there's only one main source of the problem: Confidence. Some may disagree with me, but faking confidence actually does seem to work to some degree. I used to reveal a lot of myself when meeting guys, but I am much more cautious now. In some ways that is hindering me, but in other ways it's teaching me how to find the right balance. It's about exploring, testing, trying and failing and succeeding in constructive ways. Test yourself and be ready for a range of responses from others, some good and some bad. There will always be people who are attracted to you, but it's hard to know where to go to find them.
  8. It's been perhaps two years since I came here, and I managed to get through depression and out the other side with the help of this forum, friends, my doctor and especially counselling. I just want to say to all the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, confused, asexual, 2-spirited etc etc etc people out there: You is kind. You is smart. You is important. And I want you know, you are never alone. Maybe this sounds weird, or corny, or melodramatic. But I felt alone and spent a lot of time hating myself, did not know where to turn and know how hard it can be to reach out. There are people and organisations who understand and readily want to help, who are closer by than you realise. Stay strong and please do not feel afraid to reach out for their help :)
  9. Recently I've discovered light therapy, and it has really made a difference. I really couldn't afford a proper light box, so I read up about the science and bought a light with a specific brightness (using a bit of maths) for
  10. Both very true. We can't necessarily ever stop suffering, but we can stop our negative responses to it. I guess what I need to do is develop ways to respond, behaviourally, to the mind set of "me and them" by changing what I do when I feel like this. I believe that if I can succeed in escaping this mind set I won't feel hopeless about my ability to overcome the lows.
  11. Yes, I know, a silly question. But I can't help ask it, why do I suffer whilst most don't? Why do we suffer when others get off scot free? God it's so unfair, it chokes me up with jealousy.
  12. Just started a new job and met some very cool guys. I haven't come out at work as gay because I shouldn't wear a label for the sake of it. Past experience tells me people almost always guess from my campness. The guys have discussed girls, I've said nothing much. I've talked of my lesbian Turkish uni friend, and had mixed signals from two of the guys, saying things which could be flirty, but also things said which suggest otherwise. I sometimes wonder if they were just messing with me! There is a guy from Turkey, whilst he is married to his wife here in the UK, he is quite lonely as he is embedded in an islamic culture, which he finds a bit restrictive in a mostly white, chavy, predominately racist town. I'm lonely too as everyone I did know has moved on from here. The Turkish guy is iffy with the idea of gay people. He invited me to his home; I suggested we all meet up at the pub. Do I come out and cut the rotten apples loose, or say nothing much until someone asks, by which time they will have gotten to know me. Having had Muslim friends in the past, I've later come out and they've been forced to re-evaluate their stance. However I don't want to feel I am hiding, which I could be by avoiding my love life in convo's. What should I do?
  13. Hey people, As part of depression, I eat to feel better. But it only works with carbohydrates. If I try not to eat them the result is feeling depressed. Does anyone else have this problem? If so, what do you do to get your "rush"? Perhaps I could exercise instead and try to have healthy snacks at the ready in case hunger strikes. It's just that today, because I was hungry, I ate an entire big packet of crisps, a sandwich, 3 chocolates, an entire tube of fruit pastels, a can of rice pudding AND a tiramisu cake. What is the solution to getting rid of these severe hunger pangs? They're almost uncontrollable, and at uni I munched most of my money. Ideally I'd like to loose weight, but the more I try, the more my stupid brain tries to rebel.
  14. You could practice Lucid Dreaming. It's a technique that allows you to control your dreams, I've used it occasionally to wake myself from nightmares.
  15. Pro. It's the chicken and egg problem. Do chemical changes in the brain create depression, or does depression create chemical changes? The best bet is to tackle both depression and the chemical changes at the same time; by using therapy and meds.
  16. Let me just say, as a gay British man, men ain't no picnic either! I'm sure that Brits here may agree with me that really, despite our standard of life being pretty good and what not, our country has such a cold culture and that makes it suck. I understand where you're coming from. I feel frustrated to at our stuck up culture. But it's because British people are scared to receive compliments or to even talk to other people. You know in Turkey our culture has a reputation for saying one thing but doing another?! However over time I have discovered there are British people who hate Britain as much as I do which has made it better. I've also met many foreign people. Don't knock the Muslim population here, they are usually from cultures that are quite family orientated even with their friends, I quite like this inclusiveness. In February I am going to travel to Canada for a year, to be in another culture. I hear Canadian people are very kind and genuine. Of course every society has it's nasty people, but I'm hoping at least that people might say good morning as they pass me on the street.
  17. Poor sadtimes. I think your lawyer is negligent! Have you considered getting a new lawyer, it is not true that "nothing can be done". Hear-say from three non-independent witnesses is not usually permissible in a court that deals with serious allegations. You need to find a lawyer who has the confidence to support you. Judges, no matter what their gender, aren't stupid people. Just watch Judge Judy and you can see how ready is to vilify anyone who lies, whether it be a man, a woman or even a child. This is just the beginning. Remember lonely_1's experiences, it got all the way to a Magistrate's court before the stupidity of it got knocked down. Lonely_1, I guess the great thing about juries is that rationality is more likely to prevail when you have a mixed group who challenge each other's beliefs.
  18. Thank you, you're right better to word it so I can express the disappointment. I have gotten to know a very nice older gay couple, they seem very sympathetic. I think it's best not to let this past experience deter me from talking to older gay men who can actually give me positive advice.
  19. EDIT: I guess it could be disturbing to anyone who suffered abuse as a child/young adult. I need to say this, I've had an extremely unwelcome memory. When I was 14 I was embracing being gay. I used to frequent at a chat room (was only out on the web), and there was this other gay guy. I looked up to him because he was an adult. I couldn't have met a worse gay adult roll model. I feel embarrassed to say this, but we used to "text sex" He admitted that he downloads under-age stuff. He then started pressuring me to cam with him, luckily I had the sense not to. I disappeared from the chat room for a long while and came back at 20 to say a hello. Turned on my cam, he kept bothering me... but as it turned out he clearly wasn't interested. Chatting to him a few days later... and we got onto the subject of age of consent as a political issue. He made up many excuses to support lowering the age of consent considerably; and of course admitted his preference . I was rather surprised but of course told him that he was wrong and that he should consider the huge damage he'll do to a young person if he takes advantage of them. The convo seem to end there. I logged on the next day to find he had blocked my MSN and stopped responding on chat. It occurred to me that, as I was neither under-age any more nor agreeing with his stance, that he was no longer interested in me. I mean, what a creep! I wish I had told one of the moderators in that chat room then. I feel disappointed that I looked up to him and it made me complacent in not looking for an actually gay adult roll model in real life. Some how he made me feel isolated. This is the feeling I get when I remember my discussions with him. I went back a week ago to the chat room and reported it; but was hugely disappointed by the lack of sympathy I got. I was being treated as if I was a liar and as if I had come back to stir up the peace. I got the staff to look for his user name as I was considering to report him, but his accounted had expired. I'm disturbed by what he was trying to achieve and disappointed that he made me feel isolated at a time when I badly needed positive input. When I spoke to him at 20 I was very depressed; I was saddened further that my roll model turned out to be a paedophile and rejected me because I was 'too old' and didn't sympathise with his stance. I'm hesitating to post this, it seems like something I should just bury. I don't even know what to think! It's better that I can just say it, say good riddance and find a proper older gay roll model that can give me positive support. My God is all I can say.
  20. The study on it was a double blind trial consisted of just slightly more than 200 people. It of course consisted of control groups and placebo groups, and came up with a positive result. It's funny you should say it is goofy when St John's Wort is recommended to treat depression but has no more effect than placebo. Short answer: There was a never a time when I wasn't anxious. That's made me depressed. Long answer: I was a stressful child. I had an unusual development, academically ahead but socially behind. My interested included pylons and sinks. Lol! I had black and white morals, which got me bullied when I "dutifully" told the teacher of every discrepancy. I was pretty recluse until about 14, when I got fed up with being alone and even though I was mostly lost I forced myself to get to know people. Got better from there but also more stressful at the same time. I came out as gay but wasn't dating due to my severe anxieties. All of the sudden changes at 18 were too much and academia plummeted. Depression developed from the anxiety, CBT helped both. It's been anxiety since then and depression related to the frustration of dealing with it. Well I've noticed that when I don't eat I feel bad, so I eat to feel better. These tablets seem to let me eat less to feel better.
  21. Long story short, I believe Chromium Picolinate supplements might help in my depression, and potentially other people's. A few months ago I read on wikipedia that a small scale study in which participants with atypical type depression (the most common type of depression) took Chromium Picolinate for a period of time, and 70% showed improved results controlling their carb cravings. Originally the test was designed to assuage food cravings which are associated with atypical type depression, however in some of the participants they also showed an improvement in their depression. I did a bot of searching around on the internet and found the same study repeated for 200 people, with the same improvement rate of 70%. I was intrigued so I went to Holland & Barrett's natural health store and bought some Chromium Picolinate supplement tablets. A single dose is 200 micrograms per day. In the study they took 400, so I took one tablet every 12 hours. Perhaps it was placebo, but I noticed a great effect on both my cravings and my depression within three days. Because I was travelling I decided to stop taking the supplement in case an allergic reaction occurred; I didn't want this to happen on holiday. I resumed after taking just one does a day (200 micrograms) and still found that it assuaged my depression and carb cravings. I ceased taking them three days ago, depression has come back along with carb cravings. Note though that the long term safety of the supplement has not been determined, although it is thought that at low levels it is unlikely to cause harm. There is significant debate surrounding its safety, with articles ranging from "It's harmless in small doses" to "It's kills your organs and gives you cancer". I have to wonder what the biases are in these articles; especially given the supplement was used at double and triple doses in a larger scale clinical trial. After much much looking around at different articles, I decided it was worth a try. There are health considerations though, so anyone intrigued should find out as much about its safety before hand, including interactions with anti-depressants, effect on diabetics and its effects in bipolar disorder - although a lot of the knowledge is down to anecdotal reports. ANYWAY, let's take a look at atypical depression: What are people's thoughts on this?
  22. Atheist, although not against religion at all. In fact, I am thinking of experimenting with Buddhist meditation, although I don't think I believe in an afterlife. I think Atheists who actively dislike religion need to consider whether religion is the cause of problems in society, or bad people. After all, if a few students commit a crime, does that make studying a cause of problems in society? Agnostic means you are unsure, or that you doubt god exists or believe he exists but cannot 100% be sure or subscribe to a religion. Another aspect are those who believe it is impossible to ever know whether god exists or not. Atheism differs because Atheists claim the onus is on religious people to show that there is a god and not on unbelievers to show that there isn't.
  23. Right, I'm totally with your experience. Depression and self-esteem issues for about 5 years, I'm 22. Probably much longer but I was too young to seek help. Like you, I dislike displaying my weak side. I feel almost bitter just stating that! My mother is a controlling negative person, but this is because of the abuse she suffered as a child. It can get a bit heavy going when every positive thing you talk about it responded with a negative thing. Perhaps you can identify a possible reason as to why your father is negative? I find understanding the reasons helps me to question the negativity and work out ways to regain control. I feel I stalled out developmentally at around 19 too; a distinct feeling I cannot move on in maturity until I have catch up or the "problem" is resolved. It all started at school with my homosexual urges. Long story short, I spent most of my youth hating myself. My upbringing led me to believe gay people were paedophiles. I was terribly isolated and alone, and so paranoid that someone would find out I spent my entire youth pushing everyone away. When I tried to open up people bullied me because I'd had give myself such a nervous front. I could go on, but our lives pretty much match. Sure you're not my secret twin or something? Lol. You know, bed time is somewhat my favourite time too. For 8 hours I can escape the monotony of life. Sometimes my dreams can be a lot better than my life. I have no anxieties, no depression and no problems in my dreams. Depression forces you to look at the negatives and analyse situations in a slewed manner. It's part of the disorder. I found it helpful to treat it as a disorder and not just me being unhappy. 1.5 years of therapy (Luckily uni's in the UK provide free counselling) has really made a difference. If you live in the UK you can get 8 weeks of free Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Keep trying to tackle the depression. Things that work are kindly listed in articles all over this forum. To suggest a few: Keep busy, exercise (super important), regular sleep and waking hours, a healthy diet and a plan on what you want to try next (CBT, meds, light therapy, an exercise regime and etc). I might take up volunteering too. *adds to list* I like this, I'll be holding that thought when I feel down. I feel down now, so I guess I won't push myself too much I'll just let it pass. *watches a comedy show*
  24. Talk to your gay uncle, he'll suggest his experiences which might make you feel more settled. Of course he will believe you, he himself probably had similar experiences as a young lad. But well, we don't get a choice in life, it's not psychological and does not relate to a missing father figure. Scientific studies on sexual areas of the brain suggest these parts are hard-wired before birth and show a difference among gay men, which heavily suggests that sexual orientation is set before birth. Another study on brothers finds that younger brothers are more likely to be gay, which suggests a link to changes within the womb relating to hormones. No gay gene has been identified, but the above mentioned studies suggest that homosexuality is a thing of nature and nothing of nurture.
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