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LonelyCrow

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  1. I decided to join this platform in hopes of exchanging with like-minded or understanding people, because I can't cope anymore by myself. My partner doesn't want to hear any of this and I don't want to bother my friends, because I know it can push people away and nobody wants a whining friend constantly complaining about everything. I've been going through ups, but mostly downs my whole life, maybe not realizing it when I was a child. I remember people (including strangers) telling me as an (pre-)elementary school kid, that I always had such a serious look on my face and that I should smile more (why do people feel the need to tell others how to look or how to feel?) Maybe that was already a sign. I grew up in a good middle-class family, no neglect, violence or abuse. Both parents were working good jobs, my sibling and I had everything we needed, parents are still married. No reason why I should have been sad. I'm 40 now and when I look back to when I was 13-32, I realize how much alcohol I consumed during that time. I'm embarrassed to say, but I now believe, that it was the only way I was able to cope with depression, anxiety and life in general. In the last 5-10 years I've reflected on my life and noticed behavioral patterns. I always end up diagnosing myself with depression, anxiety, bipolar and/or borderline, possibly some compulsive disorder as well. I've tried to see therapists before, hoping to find a reason for why I feel the way I feel, why I'm constantly sad, hopeless, demotivated, joyless, disinterested, feeling empty, tired, angry, annoyed, but didn't feel anyone could help. Often I think, if you look at the amount of people, who struggle with depression, anxiety, addiction, mental disorders or suicidal thoughts, it seems (most) humans are not made for this world and therapy wouldn't change anything... And I feel the best thing to do is to end life, so the pain and suffering would finally end. I could never do that to my parents though. I cry myself to sleep every night, I barely sleep and then I wake up tired, I have to suffer through the day, doing a job I hate, which drains all my energy, just to be exhausted after work and wait until it's time to sleep again. Then the same unnecessary routine starts over again. What for? What's the point? I don't get it. Is there any hope left for me? I still have 40-50 years to live, if I'm unlucky, and if I keep ending up feeling like this, why bother?
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