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Darlene Dunkley

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About Darlene Dunkley

  • Birthday June 28

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    Reading, movies, bingo, camping, karaoke

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  1. Right now I feel exhausted like I'm moving so slow I'm almost going backwards. I can barely keep my eyes open but when I close my eyes they flutter because my mind will not turn off. I have never been in this state of exhausting before. I've been feeling like this for the last two weeks and my medication is not helping at all. I do seem to get the basics done like dishes and a little bit of laundry but that's it. I've canceled doctor's appointments cuz I just don't feel like going. I haven't visited family not even my grandchildren who I love more than anything in the world and I know that if I went to see them I would feel better. This is a new state of depression for me and it's worse than my normal depression if that makes any sense. Hoping I can break this cycle soon feeling more hopeless than normal.
  2. Darlene Dunkley

    Getting there

    Thank you for the encouraging words and I am going to try to stay in the positive even though events don't end in a positive way. And lately I'm exhausted just thinking of doing even the most minimal things that involve daily living from getting up and getting dressed to getting out of bed the thought is exhausting and then I get mad at myself because I can't accomplish what most people do daily without any thought at all. Even my medication doesn't seem to help at all. It does help to know that I'm not alone but it also makes me sad that so many others suffer the same daily struggles. But again I do thank you for your encouraging words to not give up they do mean a lot and even though they don't get me up and going like I wish they would they do help me from going over the edge in a negative way.
  3. They may Envy me being on disability but I envy them because working probably gives them Financial Freedom that I don't have now that I'm on a set disability amount. The financial stress is way worse than any stress I had while working even when I was working two jobs.
  4. As a person who has been living in circles for many more years I feel your pain. But I am also trying to be more positive and not giving up and suggestions that will end this madness. Like exercise. You mentioned you tried to go for a walk but it didn't change the circumstances behind the door that you walked back through. I don't believe that can change that circumstance. I believe they just suggest exercise because it releases hormones related to pleasure. And I myself have no idea if this actually works because I have failed to be consistent in my efforts to exercise for any length of time. You also mentioned diet and eating healthy. Like you I have some very bad eating habits that I get pleasure out of and don't want to give up. So I'm ashamed to say I live on ice cream with topping, chips and dip and hamburgers. And 90% of my liquid intake is Pepsi. It's no wonder that I feel like crap. I'm also probably going to get or develop type 2 diabetes if I don't change. So here's another suggestion that might actually work but I can't stick to the program. Socializing. You say because of your condition socializing is extremely difficult even with your family and that it is exhausting. I myself don't socialize because I have some major Dental issues I'm embarrassed about, all of my clothes are outdated and I'm not financially able to participate in Social functions that involve going out to eat or to a bar or Festival situation. But I have to admit that when I'm forced to socialize because a relative drops in uninvited I do end up feeling better. Now my son although I'm diagnosed professionally is the same as you are in social situations. He easily becomes exhausted and nine out of 10 times if I do go to a family function I end up leaving early because he wants to go home. So I found for him that when we go out in public it has to be for a limited amount of time and he does just fine. Maybe you can try gradually being more social in short time situations. We can't base our social interactions success on how we do with our family because a lot of people don't belong with their family it doesn't necessarily mean we cannot make another connection somewhere. I agree that all of the suggestions do seem to suggest that we have normal get up and go and we don't have mental issues that keep us from doing those activities without question. But I also believe they are suggested to bring us back to a state of normalcy and stop feeling so isolated. I don't believe there ever will be a medicine that deals with depression head on. It seems the only medications available deal with issues closely linked to depression. So we have to keep trying to follow some of the other suggestions consistently and maybe will surprise ourselves and end up feeling better. I wish I had an answer for you because then I would have an answer to change my own situation. Just know that you're not alone and that we have to have hope that tomorrow might be a better day.
  5. All I can say is welcome because I'm not familiar with Prozac. But I'm sure someone will log in and be able to relate to your situation. Until then feel better.
  6. Well I'm glad that you signed on. And hopefully you don't have the guts because you're just not ready to leave yet. Your kids need you and you're giving them the most valuable kind of security by being there in their lives. That's the kind of security that money can't buy. I'm not going to compare my money problems to yours but in today's economy with prices going up and wages stay in the same a lot of people are having hard times. And trying to stretch that dollar farther than it will go also leads to stressful times and some days it is overwhelming. I hope tomorrow is better for you and if it's not make sure you come back to this forum and share.
  7. Darlene Dunkley

    Getting there

    I tried just the other day to be positive about a step I took to help one of the things I'm going through but it ended up with a negative result anyway. I also feel like a hypocrite because I tell my boy's that nothing positive will happen for us because there is so much negative energy surrounding us and then not changing my attitudes. I also wish I could get away from the, why me thinking that may be holding me back. Whether my negative feelings are justified or not they still block my chances of having some hope for my future having better days and I wish I could end the cycle of dwelling on the negatives. They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same things and expecting different results. Based on this logic I should be the poster person for insanity because I have been doing the same things for over 30 years with the same negative results and have yet to change. When I make a conscious decision to change a bad habit I end up doing the opposite. An example: I decided I spend to much time on social media in hopes of making a connection and when I don't it saddens me. And instead of following through with the change I spent over 6 hours on the internet. This is the same for everything. I say I am going to quit smoking, I smoke more. Eat healthier and head right to the junk food. Be more active and just stay in bed. I would give anything to change or break this cycle. I worry that it is not with in me to do so yet I also can't accept not changing and dealing with it.
  8. No I'm not sure if I'm ready to go back to work but I do know it's my only solution to getting back on my feet financially and moving forward. I struggle with this decision every day. Or I should say every day that I'm awake and sleeping for the last 24 hours. Another aspect of my condition taken two steps forward and four steps back.
  9. The information that they mail to you offers a program to help you get back to working with out stopping disability payments. But it doesn't say how much or how long you can work before they will stop benefits. I guess I could look into it a little deeper. I know it would make me feel better but I'm really worried about going back to work and not being able to keep the job. Getting disability took me almost a year and I wouldn't want to start that process over again. I was hoping to find something that pay cash so I wouldn't have to worry but those kinds of jobs are far and few between. I did post the ad mature adult available to work cashier's secretary for cash. But the only responses I got were of a perverted nature.
  10. I already posted about this and I am on disability because of a heart condition and my mental health issues. And now I need to think about my son signing up for disability too. I have 20 year old twin boy's and their personalities are like night and day. Then my one twin started giving me trouble around 8. He couldn't take constructive criticism. He even walked off the basket ball court in the middle of a game after his coach gave him so pointers. Well fast forward to10th grade and he started really slacking. He barely did any homework and his grades dropped fast forward again and he ended up at what they call a virtual academy. Part online work at home with a couple of days in school. It did not go well and he didn't graduate. He also showed no interest in learning how to drive when I started teaching his brother so he also has no license. Followed by a toxic relationship were he ended up hitting his girlfriend and he served 90 days in jail and now has domestic violence on his record. Through all this I thought he eas depressed because his brother graduated got his license a job and a car and although he claimed he didn't care about those things I figured it had to hurt some. I did take him to a therapist who put him on zoloft and it seemed to help. When he took them. I believe he is bipolar and a narcissist. He blames others for everything and he does no wrong. He is mean for no reason at all and has broke cupboard doors, kicked in bedroom doors, thrown things and is quick to grab a knife in a argument. It is so bad that he has me hostage. Any attempt I make to lay down the law and make him help around the house results in him breaking something of mine or threats to destroy things. And I know those thrats are real. And his fights with his brother scare the hell out of me because I'm afraid he will do something stupid. One day he will be positive and talk about finishing school and getting a GED and the next day he will be talking about going back to jail because he eas comfortable in there. He spends all of his waking hours on the computer playing games and barely leaves his room. Talking to him is exhausting. He truly has a warped sense of reality. So he finally got a job at McDonalds and he didn't even make it a week before he got into a verbal altercation with a coworkers that was escalating to turn physical. He was fired but they took him back and I just found myself waiting for a call but he started calling his brother to come up there because now he was being threatened with a gun. So both my son's are in danger over his not being able to deal with people. And no matter what the problem is he can't let go he will beat it like a dead horse. Even when he broke up with that girl I could hear him every noght questioning what went wrong over and over again. Now he claims he doesn't care if he dies over the stupid arguments at work and I wait for a call saying he is dead or in jail. He can't work because he can't get along with people. I can't support him so I really think he should start a claim for disability. Its bad cause he is so young but I can't picture a job he could handle. And I don't want him to feel I given up on him or for him to give up on himself. So I don't know what to do. i only know that financially we are sinking fast and mentally he is not getting better at all.
  11. I don't have the answer to that one. I am on disability though. Between my Narcolepsy and depression I was just not able to get to work on time if at all. And I also had 2 heart attacks and open heart surgery. Adderall helped me for years but when my tolerance built up it just isn't helping the same. And I miss working. I got my first job at 16 and worked until I turned 54. And not working just adds to me feeling worthless and isolated.
  12. I actually have had to stop learning. At least not learning about political issues and scandals. For the last month or so I have only watched documentaries on every thing from true crime to the history of curse words. The more I learn about climate change and how much of nature and wild life will be gone and animals extinct my heart aches. And the ones about our government just angers me and saddens me that the country accepts these politicians with no moral compass or strength of character. They govern to increase their own wealth and will sell us out to the corporation that makes the biggest campaign donations. Knowing these things and knowing I am only one person and can not change the world doesn't change my outrage. I have wept about the way our country is headed. So I read a lot but I read books by Patterson, Grishim, Koontz and Spielberg and I guess that does not count as learning because the story's are not real. I have also given up on most tv shows and the movie industry. !!!!!! and sex seem to be written into every story. Call me a prude but it's like watching soft porn. I understand why they say ignorance is bliss.
  13. I hear you on spending and ungodly amount of time on social media because I do it to. Even though as I mentioned in an earlier post that I realized posting and then frequent check ins to see if anyone replied showed my desperation so I quit for maybe 3 hours and was back making comments. I convinced myself that it was fine for me to do it if I enjoyed it and stopped worrying about replies. I also am not working at this time. I am on disability because of heart problems and narcolepsy type 1. I do really miss working I met and worked with a lot of great people. I am not in a relationship and haven't been in one for over 10 years. I am divorced but I spent 20 years in a on again off again relationship with my ex. Short version. He quit his job 2 weeks before the wedding and rarely held a job after that. His money was his money and my money was his money. Six months in I got my first black eye and filed for divorce before a year was up. Found out I was pregnant the day after I filed. And when my son was born I had to call his girl friends house to tell him. The same girl he was cheating on me with. Things got much worse and more abusive but still I kept letting him back into my life. I am in no hurry to meet someone new. With a little luck maybe both of us can slow are posting addiction down a bit and find a hobby that requires human interaction. Like someone suggested I could go to the library and use their computers or sit and read. I do read a lot but I am always sitting on my bed. Or I could go to a coffee shop with my laptop, never know you could make a friend that way and if nothing else just someone to have a friendly chat with. But hang in their you are not alone and your situation is not unique in this day and age. And you never know maybe one of our comments will start a conversation that grows. I for the first time had a person on line invite me and my son's over to go swimming. It made me feel good and showed me that connections on social media can cross over into the real world.
  14. I certainly can relate with one exception. I live with my 20 year old twin boys but that has actually made my feelings of loneliness worse. So here I am on this site because of loneliness. My best friend passed away years ago and my former coworkers although we were close at work I just don't feel I can reach out to them. I used to post a lot on facebook and that just intensified my feelings of desperation. I was constantly checking to see if anyone responded so I could at least feel connected. But I was disappointed more often than not by no replies. I was glad I finally stumbled on this site because all of the other site haven't had new postings in years. And I too really miss having someone to talk to and my chances of finding a new best friend at my age are not very good especially since I don't leave the house. This site does help. I can post about my loneliness issues and sadness in a setting that someone may relate to what I am going through and reply. But they say the connections you have off line are what makes life bearable so I keep running things through my mind about where to go to meet people. I am not a bar person and I used to go to church but these days most church's care more about filling the collection plate than their congregation. So for now this site helps and sooner or later I will find a way to connect again socially.
  15. I am much older than you and I have almost given up shouting now I just cry uncontrollably. I too want my feelings back. There was a time when I could make people laugh and they would be happy to see me come in the room. And now I barely leave the house. But I am stuck with years of thoughts in my head that play continuously like a bad movie. It is so bad I feel sure that my head will explode if It doesn't stop. Well it hasn't stopped and I still have my head so yes life goes on. Now all I need to do is start participating in it again. I know when my emotions went off track and what started it all. Maybe you could look back and see what was going on in your life when the emotional numbness started and it may help you figure out how to get back to your normal feelings. You are so young and I wish you the best.
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