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ArizonaDad

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  1. Hi everyone. First post. I am 44 years old and experienced severe MDD at 27, 37 and now 44. This most recent episode came about because I tried to come off Effexor after 7 years of no symptoms. I have been back on my therapeutic dose of 300 mg a day for about 4 weeks. I'm just trying to survive until that 6-8 week mark. The depression is so bad I cannot work. Luckily my boss is supportive and is allowing me to take sick leave. I was divorced two years ago and live alone with my cat. I have no close friends in the area. I feel very alone and isolated. I have reached out to my parents and friends on the phone which has helped a little. I had a lot of repressed emotions surrounding my marriage and divorce that surfaced during the last few weeks. It has been an extremely painful experience. I feel guilt, remorse, regret, and great loss. I have had thoughts of suicide but am able to dismiss them because of my children. I still see them quite a bit, and it is difficult to hide my illness from them. They have generally adjusted to the divorce and I don't want to burden them with my problems. Mornings are especially hard, but so is the afternoon. I am suffering right now. I feel miserable and there is no end in sight. I have very little hope but I keep telling myself to hold on. The Effexor worked for me before and so it should work again. It's just so hard not knowing how long it will take for this cloud to lift. I seem to get some relief when the sun goes down which is a new experience for me. In the past there was no relief for months and months and I did try to end my life when I was 27 (before I had kids). My poor ex-wife nursed me back to health during my previous two episodes. This is the first time I have had to tackle this by myself and it is terrifying. I hate my life now. I miss my ex-wife and my family. I made so many mistakes that I wish I could change. I want to get healthy and win her back but I don't know if it's possible. I am just really hurting right now. Thanks for reading my post.
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