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Hazara

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  1. (First of all, I don't know if this is the right forum to start this thread, if Im wrong, I offer my apologies and adms. please move this thread where it belongs. Also, English is not my mother tongue, so please forgive any grammar mistake I could make. Thanks in advance for your understanding). Ok, please let me put this in context first... I'm 40 years old man, with just a few important relationships in my background. I consider myself as a serious man, I mean, I'm not one of those man who looks to get laid with a different woman every night, on the contrary, I think I'm very picky to select a person to spend my time with. Nowadays Im single since my last breakup which took place like 10 years ago. I screwed my relationship with the most perfect woman in the world, we were about to get married when everything got ruined. We built a home (even when were not married) for 4 of 6 years we were in the relation and had 2 meaningless short breakup during that time. Ok, so the story goes like this. We both were kinda bussy those days (2011-2012), I was finishing a second career and she had no much time for me because of her work in a different city (we see each other every other week), we use to argue a lot because of that, however we knew we deeply love each other (now I think I had invested more feelings than her) and we had settled a date to get married but we broke up like four months before reaching that date. To make the story shorter, she grew distant every time, the last days we barely speak when we were together and the phone calls (when we were away) to say hi and know about how our day was, stopped for a whole month so when we finally see each other again, I confronted her and asked her to split up, just as a childish way to caught her attetion. Surprinsingly she accepted so quick, she didnt fight for our love and put no effort to save a 6 years relationship, that got me with my guard down. I even thought she might have meet someone else in the other city where she worked, I directly asked her but she denied it, I believed her since her eyes looked honest and her voice sounded sincere, we never kept secrets and Im pretty sure if that could've been the reason, she would've told me. After that day, my whole life crumbled. I got fired, I suffer panic attacks at night, I feel down most of the times, Im losing my hair very quickly, I cry for no reason, I feel pain in my chest like a kind of pressure, I have even thought to **** myself to stop the pain. Then I have this survival instinct once in a while, so I look for help and techniques to avoid depression. I started to practice sports but my will lasts just for a few days and I fall into my own digged hole and everytime is getting harder to get out of it, I suffer alone in silence and repeat the cycle again and again. I lack of perseverance. Im getting tired of this situation, about feeling useless, I cant move on, I can't get on my two feet again, I have no money and sadly, no goals in mind neither, I can't sleep at all during the nights. I don't think beyond one day at a time and I dont see a clear future. I swear I've tried so hard to forget about her, I burnt all of our pictures, every piece of souvenir of our travels, but there will always be what I call "time bombs", a song in the radio, a movie on TV, phrases that we used to give another very different meaning, friends in common, etc. In fact, a couple of weeks ago I came across with a common friend, we talked for almost an hour about everything, about this and that, and he told me (with no bad intention) he saw a picture of her holding a baby in Facebook. I thought it could be an old photo of her niece since her sister had a daughter years ago, but that idea started to bother me in my head and I did what I shouldn't have done ever... I checked her profile from a new created account,vjust to spy her. And there she was, she is a beatiful mother with her beautiful baby. It was the prove I never wanted to accept, she get me over as soon as we break up (tbh, I don't know whether it was inmediately, after all it was around 10 years I didn't know anything about her endeavours). Anyway, these days Im less than a ghost, the only reason I haven't killed myself so far (and to make things worse) is because my old man got cancer and I'm the only son among my siblings who stands by his side to help him; somehow taking care of him is the excuse I use to keep focused and dont lose my mind. I keep telling myself I have to live so he can live, but my strenght is almost empty. I really need to stop thinking about my ex, this relationship stopped a decade ago but still feels like it was yesterday. It hurts so bad. Im a mess these days, Im getting more and more desperate with every passing day, so any piece of advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading my case. Hazara
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