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KalahariDessert

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  1. I've never really looked into attention deficit disorder and dem tings but a friend of mine got diagnosed with it and when I was googling the symptoms it felt like a holy shit moment. I don't have like uncontrolled talking and foot tapping and stuff (apologies if this sounds offensive). It's more like listening to music while I browse the internet the whole day kinda thing. I do this even when my depression is at its lowest. I also kinda do increasingly hedonistic shit out of boredom. Like for example I used to have a ton of gay sex on grindr even though I have no attraction to men and did not find the sex enjoyable. I think I was just bored and found it fresh? It also hit me that I have never once properly studied for anything. I coasted through secondary getting straight A's while literally studying the morning before exams. So yeah I flunked out of two uni degrees. I have also had a car accident that was so dumb I literally couldn't even explain it to the police even though I was completely sober and not using myy phone or anyting. I just saw a light flash green somewhere else and my brain was like cool go. I drove into the wrong side of the road and hit another car (no one injured thankfully). I gave up driving since then because I just couldn't understand what went wrong and I'd been taking my antidepressants for a long time then. No matter how much I'm medicated or what different meds I try the concentration shit stuff never goes away. But yeah I'm not really sure how to bring it up with my doctor. I have a history of alcohol abuse and weed addiction so I doubt mans is gonna hand out amphetamines willy nilly. I might also be wrong and it really is just chronic depression that makes me leave keys in the fridge and shit.
  2. I would just make a tinder account and put myself out there. It kinda sucks to hear but the best way I've found to stop obsessing over someone it didn't work out with is to put yourself out there until you uhhh find someone new to obsess over. It's draining af going on multiple dates till you find someone you gel with but it's so much better than having someone else living in your head rent-free.
  3. I kinda get what you mean. I'm not a confident person at all. In fact at one point in my life my anxiety was so bad I couldn't leave home without feeling like I'm in Fallujah or something. I now (sometimes) DJ in front of people and I'd still say I'm not confident. I kinda just stopped caring if I was confident or not and decided to just be. I try to portray myself as having a good time (I usually am like half the time) because that tends to translate over to the audience but as soon as I'm off the decks I'm pretty quiet and keep my cards close to my chest and no longer do the performative thing. If people think I'm weird or not like a typical DJ it's really fine with me. What I do doesn't reflect who I am. I used to feel the pressure to portray a "hype man" (which is how I describe a good chunk of the DJs I've played with) lifestyle image because that's what every other DJ was doing. And it makes sense: no one wants to hire you if you don't seem like the life of the party. I really love music and thought DJing was just about letting the music talk but unfortunately discovered that's just a small part of it. The dissonance however started to become too much because there's something really ****ed up about trying to appear like a badman when you haven't showered or left the house for days that week... then forcing yourself to be a party animal over the weekend. After a while that dissonance semi-disappeared when I stopped bothering going the extra mile with my image. I do the bare minimum with my insta (because you kinda do need one as a DJ) like recording clips of good gigs or advertising when my radio show is gonna be on that day but outside of that I never really post insta stories or posts. I don't need to be some aspirational lifestyle feed for someone because it would be a total lie. So I just don't. And when it comes to how I nowadays interact with promoters, bar owners, other DJs etc I just treat it like work and clock out. I just couldn't take the fake overnetworking and feeling like you have to attend numerous parties and afterparties just so people can keep you in mind when deciding lineups for future gigs. I don't get a lot of gigs nowadays (so this may be bad advice) but I also don't feel that much conflict over who you are vs how you're perceived. On some level you need to own your truth. That doesn't mean sharing the truth but it it also doesn't mean fabricating one. Once you start to get rid of the noise, I think that affords you a chance to start working on building an actual personal life (something I truthfully haven't done). One of my favourite DJs is a German techno DJ/producer called Helena Hauff. She doesn't have a social media page and only talks about her work and how she relates to it on the occasional interview. Another (oddly) German producer I love is called Traumprinz. Other than the people on the label he was on, nobody knows what he looks like. He's never even performed a gig. His labelmates described him as painfully shy. Both of these people have massive followings in the electronic music world so on some level, there are a lot of people who find privacy alluring. I think it affords them the opportunity to build whatever image they want of you in their head. I don't know if Helena Hauff is actually confident or not because she doesn't share anything so my brain assumes she is because she's a world-touring DJ. She doesn't give me an opportunity to deconstruct the image I have of her. Traumprinz's shyness (which people only knew because his labelmate mentioned it) is viewed positively and makes people think he's even more of a true artist only sharing his soul via music. So I guess just not giving a shit about playing the game can be an asset. Hasn't worked for me but it might work for you. If you find yourself still being forced to keep up a persona it may be better to find another aspect of the fashion industry to work in for your sanity.
  4. Hi, I'm KalahariDessert. I'm Kenyan but live in Uganda. I've had depression and anxiety since I was 18 for a decade now. Another psychiatrist told me I had an undiagnosed personality disorder. I used to study engineering overseas then dropped out because I was failing too much. Switched to nursing but ended up failing too much in it as well and decided to stop wasting my parents money. I somehow managed to pick up djing which I think is the only useful skill I've learnt the past decade. It was actually a really great distraction for a while but now I'm in my third year of djing and it's not fun anymore. Mostly because I just don't get gigs. I have a radio show on some obscure internet station but after doing it for a year I decided last week to stop bothering with it since it feels like I'm churning out content into the void that no one is listening to and I don't get paid anyway. I live with my mum. She's controlling and abusive and I feel like I have no agency over my life or much to look forward to. My dad back in Kenya is pretty much the same but worse. I kinda feel they're directly responsible for how I ended up and perpetuate the same things that led me here. I kinda just watch TV/listen to music all day to cope with things. Sorry for just dumping. I made an account here after being a lurker. I'm hoping to soak up enough things to hopefully start trying to claw some sort of future for myself. The way I live sucks.
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